Break up - was it all a ploy?

LegacyUser

Hi all

Dated my ex boyfriend for approx two years, everything going really well and thought I knew him fairly well when he started to become withdrawn, moody and not good company to be around. He opened up and laid a lot of heavy emotional baggage on me resulting from his past and I listened and supported in every way that I could because I cared. I encouraged him to go see a GP which he did and he also embarked on counselling, it was me who researched the options, got recommendations but left him to arrange and I respected his right to space and privacy. To anyone who has seen someone they love go through a bad time it was so difficult see him change in the way he did. I tried to be supportive but he seemed to withdraw more and more even with the counselling. He decided that he wanted to breakup and that he wasn’t sure he should be in a relationship at the time while dealing with his issues. He asked me for the time to let him get better and he promised that he would get better. All this was last summer. We decided to remain friends and over the following few months we exchanged an odd text/call and in one in November when I asked how the counselling was going he said it was going fine but he didn’t want to go into details.
Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago we arranged to meet up (the first time in person since last September) and when I ask any news, he tells me he has a new girlfriend. He told me that he actually had finished with counselling in August and that he met someone shortly afterwards and that he is grand, all issues dealt with. To say I am shocked is understatement, I feel like a fool for having invested so much emotionally with this person and while part of me feels he could be masking a lot of issues my overwhelming feeling is anger that someone I loved has effectively acted in a completely different manner from what he said last summer and more so I have spent the last 6 months giving him space while obviously still worrying and being concerned for him and I haven’t even contemplated moving on yet. Am I wrong to be angry??

LegacyUser

Hey,

I don't know if it was a ploy to get with the other girl or not but I wish my ex was like you. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years but my ex would never consider doing anything like that. In fact she never spoke to me about my problems, just pretend they don't exist. I've been to counseling and i can honestly say it takes more than a few weeks/months to "get better", for want of a better term..... I'm currently trying to see if there is anything to salvage with her as we're both single but it's not looking likely.

It just shows how sweet and loving a person you really are that you put such a considered effort in to help him. You deserve way better and if you continue to be yourself you will do better than most.

best of luck

Wompa1

Doubt it was a ploy because it's too elabarote but can relate to how crappy you feel when you invest so much in somebody and then they let you down and act selfishly like he did..he had to know he was kind of stringing you along

cafecolour

Yes, I think you are wrong to be angry. It doesn't seem like there was any deception on his part. He's moved on, you haven't - it's unfortunate, and not uncommon, but it's no ones 'fault'.

The first part, you were emotionally supportive, and helped prod him into getting help. That's very good of you, but it doesn't mean he 'owes' you continuing the relationship because of it.

Then, you broke up and barely kept in touch. You remained emotionally invested in him, but it doesn't sound like he was leading you on.

So 'let go' of your anger, and be happy that you helped someone you cared about get better. Then, so you can move on, cut all contact. Don't send any long, angry letters or anything - just simply say "I'm happy for you, but I'm still in love with you. In order to move on, I need to cut contact." and don't respond to anything else he says.

Wompa1

cafecolour wrote: »

Yes, I think you are wrong to be angry. It doesn't seem like there was any deception on his part. He's moved on, you haven't - it's unfortunate, and not uncommon, but it's no ones 'fault'.

The first part, you were emotionally supportive, and helped prod him into getting help. That's very good of you, but it doesn't mean he 'owes' you continuing the relationship because of it.

Then, you broke up and barely kept in touch. You remained emotionally invested in him, but it doesn't sound like he was leading you on.

So 'let go' of your anger, and be happy that you helped someone you cared about get better. Then, so you can move on, cut all contact. Don't send any long, angry letters or anything - just simply say "I'm happy for you, but I'm still in love with you. In order to move on, I need to cut contact." and don't respond to anything else he says.

I don't know, the fact that she was contacting him and asking about his counselling would show that she cared and was interested. He could have told her straight out that he wasn't.

G86

I really do feel for you too OP.

Yes, you're right to be angry; but at the situation, not with him. I really don't think it was a ploy, depression is a very unpredictable disease - sometimes it can last for months and sometimes only a short while at a time. It sounds like in order to move on from that period in his life he felt he had to move on from you also. And I know that's really hard to accept, but it was his decision to make, and it sounds like he was pretty honest with you. I think you invested so much of yourself in him that you're angry now that you know you'll never get any of it back. Your kindness towards him was commendable, but you have to realise that he didn't owe you anything back in return...so he isn't to blame for how you're feeling right now.

I understand how hard it is not to think about him, and not to worry. But you have to accept that it's not your problem anymore, harsh as it sounds, and to be honest it never really should have been. It was never your job to coax him into counselling or to make him better, that was something he needed to do on his own, and it looks like he's done that now - which is a really good thing. It's great that he's moved on, because it means he's getting better, and I know it's difficult for you but at least you know he's in a better place.

So this is the hard part, you need to accept it's over now, and you need to stop hanging on to that little bit of hope that's been keeping you going. I'm guessing you've dealt with the whole thing by thinking 'maybe he'll get better and we'll sort things out', 'maybe if I'm here for him he'll change his mind'. But, that's not going to happen, so you need to find a new way of dealing with things. You need to find a way to move on, and the first part of that is by thinking of yourself first and not him. He's doing what's right for him, and you need to do what's right for you.

LittleBook

He decided that he wanted to breakup and that he wasn’t sure he should be in a relationship at the time while dealing with his issues. He asked me for the time to let him get better and he promised that he would get better. All this was last summer
...
2 weeks ago ... he tells me he has a new girlfriend. He told me that he actually had finished with counselling in August and that he met someone shortly afterwards and that he is grand, all issues dealt with.

Do you mean he met someone shortly after August and is still seeing the same person?

If this is the case then yes, I think it's understandable that you would be angry with him.

I think the problem is you seem to have genuinely thought you were on a break and giving him the space he needed to deal with his issues, while as far as he was concerned you were broken up and he started his new life.

Frankly, I don't think he did you any favours by asking you for "time to get better", maintaining contact, lying to you about finishing his counselling and hiding the fact that he's been seeing someone for the past 5 or 6 months (if I've understood correctly).

Even as a common courtesy if I had someone who'd shown me the support you showed him, I'd have told them that I'd finished with counselling and "was grand, all issues dealt with".

But being angry won't do you any good, you need to let go of him and the anger and start re-building your own life as he started doing 6 months ago.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks to everyone who replied, has been very helpful. I know my anger is probably arising from the fact that he has appeared to move on quite easily while I am still emotionally involved with him and I really was hoping for a positive outcome from the counselling. The breakup is only happening for me now.

G86

Guest108 wrote: »

OP here, thanks to everyone who replied, has been very helpful. I know my anger is probably arising from the fact that he has appeared to move on quite easily while I am still emotionally involved with him and I really was hoping for a positive outcome from the counselling. The breakup is only happening for me now.

I think you just have to see that there WAS a positive outcome from the counselling, it's obviously really helped him, and that's the most important thing. You don't have to worry about him now, he's said he's ok, and you have to accept that so that you can move on. Maybe he is 'masking' his issues, but even if he is - it's no longer your responsiblity. You're not responsible for his health, or his feelings, or his life, and you can't change any of those things.

The only life you're truly responsible for is your own, and that's the only one you can change. You have the power to change it now - you can walk away from this and leave it all behind, you can take control of your life and be a happier person without him, without all of the worry and pain that you've been hanging on to whilst you hung on to him.

I know you can do it, because you've got this far, and that can't have been easy. It takes a strong person to give and give and give, but it takes an even stronger person to realise when to stop.

LegacyUser

I did pretty much exactly this to my ex. Truth was I'd fallen deeply in love with someone else and wanted out. I didn't want the ex to know so I ended things, then a while later figured she'd get the idea when she saw me with my new gf.

It was the coward's way out, for sure, but at the time I didn't know what else to do. I had a connection like none before with this new girl and I realised what I felt for my ex wasn't anything close.

I avoided the awkward breakup chats and the why why whys and moved on immediately.

Sorry, but sounds like same has happened to you.

Forget him. Cut him out of your life and move on. He was never as into you as you were into him.

whirlpool

fdgdfgdfsgsdfgsdf wrote: »

He was never as into you as you were into him.

I don't see any evidence of this being the case at all, myself.

OP, it's going to hurt like a motherf-er but you will be okay. Just power through and enjoy all the positive moments in your life to come. Eventually they will outweigh the negative feelings you experience. Take care.