Porn in a relationship

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my gf for a number of years. I have admitted to her in the past that I watch porn and while has not been completely over the moon about it, has generally accepted it. I openly admit if she asks me do I watch and we have even watched it together before.
I went to work this morning and she stayed in bed (had stayed the night). She was on my laptop and went into a file on my computer and saw that I had saved pictures of naked women. She was really upset and it made her feel sick and see's it as cheating. She wants to go on a break over it and can't understand why she won't just look at me and be happy.
I understand she is upset but I have admitted beforehand I look at this stuff and I think porn in a realtionship shouldn't be a voodoo thing (I wouldn't care if she looked at it). I think it's a complete over-reaction about cheating and I see it as purely fantasy. I have never cheated on her and we plan to marry in the future.
Is it such a bad thing that I have done and what should I do to fix it?

OhMeOhMy

I think from her perspective the issue here is that you saved pictures of particular women which as far as she knows, you consult regularly to get yourself off and so in some way. I think it is different to just going online and searching for random porn, as when you make the effort to actually save a particular image, it conveys that that image does something for you that no other random one would and while this is natural and normal for everybody, you continue to exploit that by referring to it regularly. Just as in 'real' life, people in relationships are going to be attracted to others but the problem arises when one or other partner decides to use that to their advantage

I'm not saying that either of you are right or wrong, but I can understand how she is thinking

I know it may seem that she gave you the impression that she was ok with porn in general when she watched it with you, but only she knows her motives for doing so - it may have been that she genuinely did want to, that she did not want to seem like a prude or that she wanted to involve herself in what she knew you to engage in. From her reaction to these pictures it seems to me that she may not be as ok with it as she made out

Neyite

Sounds to me like she went looking for it - asking you if you use it, going into your computer to find it. She knows you have porn. FFS, she watched it with you, and had no problem with it. But now she has a problem with it :rolleyes:. She already knew what your answer would be. My take on it (and I could be wildly off the mark) is that she was looking for an excuse to go on a break, and found a handy, if flimsy one. She is moving the goalposts to suit herself here.

By the way, if porn is cheating, and you watched it together, does'nt that mean you both cheated?:p

Porn (in my opinion)is not cheating. Its not even close. I dont see what you have to make up or apologise for.

cafecolour

Yeah, this sounds a bit off - she went looking for trouble. Maybe she's just using it as an excuse to break-up - she's too weak to come out with it, so she's pretending you've been 'cheating' to justify it.

If she's not, claiming it's cheating and threatening to break-up is a massive over-reaction and also emotionally manipulative.

IITYWYBMAD

Complete over reaction, and definite trust issues here. Why did she go snooping around your laptop? Sounds like she has other issues is this is the way she reacts to a few naked pics. If it where me, I'd run a mile tbh.

Permabear

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ElleEm

Permabear wrote: »

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+ 1.

It really surprises me how women in relationships are shocked when they discover that their partner watches/ uses porn.
Your girlfriend is obviously very insecure, or, like another poster said, maybe she was looking for a reason to go on a break.
Have you asked her what she hopes to achieve by this break?

I wish women would be more open, and realise men, for the most part, are lazy creatures, and like to use porn as opposed to using stored fantasies in their heads for masturbation.

pollypocket10

OP this issue isn't about who is right and who is wrong.

Everyone has different feelings on porn and it's not as black and white as saying she is overreacting and you are right.

Your GF obviously isn't entirely comfortable with it but has obviously gone along with it to an extent so as not to impose her opinions on the matter on you.

Finding the saved files on your computer must be seen as a step to far in her eyes.

You guys need to talk about this and come to an agreement on what you believe to be acceptable boundaries in your relationship when it comes to porn.

prinz

She's mixed up herself and is clearly sending mixed signals. You both need to take time apart (figuratively speaking) to decide how both of you view porn as individuals and how both of you view porn in the relationship. Then sit down, talk about and go from there. She seems to be a bit all over the place about it and that doesn't make your position any easier.

However as has been said above, there is no right and wrong that everyone must tag along with.

Count Duckula

In my experience there are a lot of women who don't like the thought of their partner getting off over images or videos of other women. My own girlfriend says that whilst rationally she knows it's just me getting myself off, on an emotional level it upsets her a little bit even though she knows it shouldn't. The argument applies both ways, of course, but in 99% of cases it's the man watching porn to the woman's disappointment.

Essentially, this comes down to a matter of tact; if the OP wants to continue watching porn despite his girlfriend's wishes that he stop, then he needs to be more discreet about it. But at the end of it all, she's well within her rights to dislike his habits just as much as he is to keep doing them.

Permabear

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neuro-praxis

The most important thing in any successful relationship is shared values. That's what this comes down to.