Too young for 'the one'?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Been having a lot of grief over this recently so any replies would be really appreciated!

I'm 21 been with my girlfriend for over a yeah and a half and I don't think I've ever been happier. We get along great, never fight and spend loads of time together. We are each other's first relationship. I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with her and we've talked about marriage, kids, the house and everything.

However recently, I'm beginning to feel trapped, though I'm not sure if this is the right word, I enjoy every moment of my time with her but I feel like maybe I'm for want of a better expression 'tying myself down' for the rest of my life. Also I feel like I have less time to myself, we rarely spend nights apart and when we do we are constantly texting, sometimes I feel like I just want to be alone and watch a DVD or something without having to reply to texts every 2 mins. And whenever I do mention that maybe I wouldn't like to spend the night at her's, she gets very upset and I end up feeling awful and usually I go to hers to make her happy.

Believe me I feel awful about this. I never thought I'd be a committment-phobe and the thought that I may be feeling unhappy because I want to be with other girls really sickens me. I feel disgusted with myself because when I think about it, I think my main issue is that I'm not ready to be with one girl for the rest of my life. I'm only 21 and I don't think I want to be with just this one girl, perfect though she may be.

What am I supposed to do? The cliché 'it's not you it's me' springs to mind, because really I love this girl and our personalities are perfectly compatable. Will these feelings of 'missing out' fade over time? Or should I bite the bullet now and end things with her?

I think it may be the case that I've met the move of my life 10 years too early.

Jenneke87

I don't think you're a commitment phobe, I actually think she's kinda smothering you. It's perfectly normal to want your own time and space every now and then and it doesn't sound like she's willing to give you that. IMO she getting very upset about it is rather immature and not a very healthy reaction.

You need to discuss this with her. Tell her you enjoy her company a lot but that you appreciate and need your own space as well every now and then. If she can't or won't understand this, you might want to have a long hard thinking about your compatibility.

Dougal O

"The One"?

How many people are on the planet? What are the chances any of us will really ever find "the one"?

There isn't a "one".

But there are plenty of "good enough".

Two very important aspects of a relationship are tolerance and consideration - find anyone who posesses those two traits and so long as you posess them too, you should do ok.

21? Leave it another 10 years, minimum. And remember, you may love cheese burgers, but if you don't try chicken nuggets or pizza, or steak, or pasta, how will you ever know what you really love the most? After tasting all you can, it may still be cheese burgers you love most, but at least you'll know that for sure.

Sorry if this post seems glib. I mean no disrespect.

cafecolour

As said above, she unhealthily co-dependent. It's normal to spend a lot of time together especially when the relationship is new, but it's generally not sustainable.

Do you actually want to date other girls, or do you just want more time to yourself? If it's the former, break-up. If it's the later, talk to her, say that you like her and don't want to see any other girls, but are feeling smothered and need more guy time/self time.

If she's unreasonable about this, then you may have to break-up with her as well, because then she's clearly not 'The One'. And be careful, she already sounds emotionally manipulative (getting upset when you don't spend the night), don't let her manipulate you into feeling guilty so she always gets her way.

prinz

There are two issues going on here intertwined in the OP. Firstly the OTT nature of the relationship and secondly fear of commitment/grass is greener type of thing.

On the first issue, you need space. She needs space. The relationship needs space to beathe. You are both going to smother the life out of it. You need time apart, nights apart to do your own things, you need to be able to put the phone away and think about something else for a while. You need to make it clear to her, and she needs to be grown up about it and stop the immaturity of guilting you to get her way. IMO you both need to take a step back, get some outside interests and spend some time doing your own things.

The second issue. I met "the one" when I was 21. Knew within a couple of weeks I wanted the relationship to last for a good while, and within a couple of months that I didn't want it to finish. I was more experienced before that than you or your gf though, but I am not sure how much that impacted on things. Of course there were times when I had doubts, and thought about all the things I was missing out on. Then I thought about all the things I gained from the relationship that I'd be missing out on if I wasn't with her. Usually the pros outweighed the cons. I don't think there will ever be a time in your life when you don't sometimes wonder..what if? What it would be like to be with/in a relationship with someone else? It's human nature to wonder, imagine and ask why? what if? etc. Especially common at your stage in the relationship, some time has passed and you're looking toward the future.

There is no set time or age when it's right. There is only maturity, personalities, outlook etc. Could be 21, could be 31.

Count Duckula

There's no such thing as "The One", without meaning to sound rude. There are literally thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of people out there that any person would spend their lives with.

Love grows from shared experience and a length of time together; the reason you don't fall in love immediately is because it has to grow. There are lots of people a person will share a connection with.

Given the odds that you'll bump into your "one" in a planet of six billion, if we were all pre-destined to be with one particular person there'd be far more single people. It'd also be statistically unlikely if that one person could be anywhere in the world that most Irish people would marry another Irish person, that most Pakistanis would marry another Pakistani, that most Argentines would marry other Argentines.