Introverted, Socially uncomfortable, unlikeable

LegacyUser

The title basically says it all. I don't want to play myself off as a victim, blame the world and earn the ire of everybody on here, I just want some help.
I'm extremely introverted, I'm very shy and I'm uncomfortable in almost all social situations. I find it hard to connect with people, and as a result the number of real friends I have has dwindled over the years. I'm not blaming them, because to be frank, I offer nothing. I wouldn't be friends with me. I'm just not a very likeable person - conversations are forced, I don't sound natural and to be honest I simply never know what to say to people. The few people I am close with, I get along very well with, although I wouldn't talk to them on a daily basis by any means. It just seems more natural with them, I know what to say, I'm more in my comfort zone. That said, my obsessive personality has seen me drive a number of said friends away.

How can I change things? I'm seeing my life spiral out of control, but I just don't know how to fix it. I want to fix it though, I really do. Any advice at all?

Thanks for your time

LegacyUser

Introvert wrote: »

The title basically says it all. I don't want to play myself off as a victim, blame the world and earn the ire of everybody on here, I just want some help.
I'm extremely introverted, I'm very shy and I'm uncomfortable in almost all social situations. I find it hard to connect with people, and as a result the number of real friends I have has dwindled over the years. I'm not blaming them, because to be frank, I offer nothing. I wouldn't be friends with me. I'm just not a very likeable person - conversations are forced, I don't sound natural and to be honest I simply never know what to say to people. The few people I am close with, I get along very well with, although I wouldn't talk to them on a daily basis by any means. It just seems more natural with them, I know what to say, I'm more in my comfort zone. That said, my obsessive personality has seen me drive a number of said friends away.

How can I change things? I'm seeing my life spiral out of control, but I just don't know how to fix it. I want to fix it though, I really do. Any advice at all?

Thanks for your time

I assume your still of a pretty young age?

Obsessive personality and intrinsic, you sound like you could be me

It doesn't really matter if you don't take the same route as everyone else.

Your uncomfortable in certain situations; then find situations that lend themselves better to your character.

Maybe it sounds chiche, but instead of fighting what you feel your becoming, embrace it more. Just go with the flow.

If it's uncomfortable as regards your being unhappy with your lifestyle, as a result, then that's what you should focus on.
Taking up NEW things or exposing yourself to NEW and DIFFERENT situations - as oppose to trying to piece together what you had previously.

Obviously, this may be quite a turnaround in lifestyle, and it may take time and effort to find what it is your going to pursue, while your watch your former friends go off on a different path.

Having said all that, I have inferred some things and made certain assumptions as regards your situation, so maybe all that does not apply to you, but I hope it's of some help.

RedXIV

Hi OP

I've known alot of people like you And generally what I've found is that you are an "untapped resource". Let me explain a bit more. I'm sure there is some topic in your life that you could talk about for hours with someone. I've a few; video games, steven segal movies and the reason Android is better than iPhone. My dad is quite similar to you, as far as most people are concerned, he's quiet, he doesn't see the point of straining through a conversation when he could just be quiet and he rarely makes an effort to talk about subjects he has no interest in. But talk to him about computer hardware or servers and he'll talk away happily for hours.

The point here OP is that you need to find your niche. And thats fantastically easy when you have a resource like boards.ie. Like Cars? head to motors. Like Badminton? we have a forum for that too. Hell if your poison is the delicate art that is mustard consumption, we have that too

You probably already know what you like to talk about so find the community here and make friends. go to their meet ups. People who are passionate about something are always willing to talk about it and two people passionate about the same thing are either going to have a fantastic conversation or a fantastic argument (which doesn't mean you can't be friends!).

Thats my first tip. Second tip is for more general situations. If you want to come across well in a conversation, the secret is flattery. Not the kind where you bombard someone with compliments but the kind where you take an interest. I was talking to a guy in work today about the wonders of UNIX scripting. I know nothing about UNIX scripting and told him this but was also open to learn about it. Find what people are interested in and talk to them about it. Thats the secret to a good conversation. It really is that simple, just keep it in mind.

As regard to changing your life, I STRONGLY suggest you take an evening or weekend day that you have empty and put something there regularly. Join a team game, start a class, Set aside a night with friends, doesn't matter what it is, but make it social and make it regular. Social interaction is like any other skill, practice makes perfect. But like any other skill the first time is the hardest and it gets easier every time.

Best of luck OP

wylo

sounds like an extreme case of low confidence and self esteem, and maybe even slight depression (even if it just manifests itself as a bad unsocial mood)
Do you feel nervous or anxious in social situations or is it just non-nervous but nothing to say ,if its the first one then consider books by Claire Weekes, absolute genius stuff.

If not, and its just a case that you find yourself too quiet or boring, then as others said , its time to take a massive leap out of your comfort zone, the first step is the hardest ,but each successful step gives you more desire to take the next one. What I mean by out of your comfort zone is, start attending things you never thought you'd attend, if someone chats to you, dont just give them one word answers back, ask more questions, try and express your own view. It can often be frustrating talking to someone that has nothing to offer back. It feels like they are not listening or not interested.

Also, if you dont already, start taking up running/exercise. That does wonders for your mood, and its generally your mood that controls your personality (have you ever been in a really really good mood yet still not want to talk to somebody? I honestly doubt you have). Being in a great mood frees your mind. Good eating does the same btw. So if you dont have a great diet start now!!! Cut the sugars, cut down on red meat, and start eating lots and lots of fruit and veg.
All this might sound off-topic but believe it all goes back to mental health/mood and thus the want/ability to converse.

cantdecide

Some great advice there, OP.

Where the low self esteem comes into play is by perpetuating the negative traits you've mentioned when you know they're bad for you.

One specific thing I'll tell you is to be charming. You're wondering how to be charming now! Make someone feel that they are interesting. You must give yourself to people when you are talking to them. You may not believe this but your opinion does matter to other people. Let them take the lead in conversation. Be open. Ask questions about their subject. Look them in the eye and smile and allow them to be enthusiastic about their subject. They will love you for it.

I know I'm not the life and soul of the party and I know that I can't please everyone. Some will chose to dislike you sometimes but all you can do is control the things you can. Be proactive. It will make a difference.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys, really appreciate it