Afraid for my mothers safety

LegacyUser

Hi, my Mother wants to kick my Father out of the home as he is having an open affair. The thing is my Father is also not mentally well and while he has not been diagnosed as being, this is only because he is oblivious to his mental state. He doesn't think that there is anything wrong with him just openly having an affair and he disappears for days on end and then comes back home like nothing is wrong and doesn't even explain where he has been. When we challenge him about his actions he gets violent and we have to back down as we are afraid of what he will do. I don't think he has much control over his temper and confronting him about his affair immediately makes him lash out. I am 24 and could handle him myself if he went for me, but I worry desperately about my mother and I do not live at home so I am not there to stop him if he does lash out.

He has never beat my Mother but I have seen him go for her before and if I had not been there to stop him, things could have gotten bad. He is not normally a violent man at all but the topic of his affair sets him off and he becomes another person. He believes that we are trying to stop him for being happy and that we should just stand by and let him have his affair and come and go when he pleases. I actually feel very sorry for him because I know he is not totally well. He looks after my mother with money and takes care of her well and he believes that he should be allowed have this relationship with another women without our interference. He believes it is none of out business and when I have confronted him in the past he has says things like 'I've helped you out all through college with money so mind your ****ing business' etc. I always back down coz I know if I keep persisting he will go for me and I'll end up in a fist fight with my own Dad.

Anyway to make a long story short he disappeared a few nites ago and came back just yesterday as usual saying nothing to nobody and not answering his phone for days. My Mother has been to a solicitor over the past months but hasn't proceeded with a separation, he just rips up the solicitors letter when he gets them. She now wants to proceed and get him out of the house. I am not home until the weekend so I have told her not to confront him with any letters or treats until I am home. But even then its gonna be the same story with him lashing out. My Mothers solicitor has recommended a barring order from the Police which means he cannot come near the house. Even so I am desperately worried what he may be capable of doing. He isn't in full control mentally and while he can function and act completely normal, he has a dark side where he is capable of snapping.

I really don't know what to do.

Azureus

what2do? wrote: »

Anyway to make a long story short he disappeared a few nites ago and came back just yesterday as usual saying nothing to nobody and not answering his phone for days. My Mother has been to a solicitor over the past months but hasn't proceeded with a separation, he just rips up the solicitors letter when he gets them. She now wants to proceed and get him out of the house. I am not home until the weekend so I have told her not to confront him with any letters or treats until I am home. But even then its gonna be the same story with him lashing out. My Mothers solicitor has recommended a barring order from the Police which means he cannot come near the house. Even so I am desperately worried what he may be capable of doing. He isn't in full control mentally and while he can function and act completely normal, he has a dark side where he is capable of snapping.

I really don't know what to do.

^ This.

They are definately seperating, it's not like your mother has anything to lose by doing this. Take the solicitors advise, sooner rather than later. Get your mother to talk to the police and explain the situation (not leaving anything out!) and they will advise the best course of action for her. Unfortunately this will not be the first time they have come across a situation like this.

Good luck .

RedXIV

I'd also recommend if you're not going to be there during the week, is there someone that could? even just for a little while, a brother, uncle cousin or similar? Or could she go somewhere for a small break away from all this?

While the police are definitely the way forward with this, they won't be able to keep a 24 hour vigil on your mother.

To be honest, behavior that involves ripping up letters and ignoring confrontation screams denial which I'd guess that will lead to an explosive confrontation at some stage so it is something you should be aware of. He needs a wake up call. If he ever gets violent, report it, press charges. Nothing is quite as sobering as having to explain to a judge why you attacked someone regardless whether or not they are family

Wish I had a better answer for you OP but all I can really offer is be as prepared as you can. You know you're dad better than anyone here, go through each possible scenario you think he might take and come up with a plan for each. Plans are underrated. If you have a plan, you can be more assertive and dealing with his outbursts will be easier

LegacyUser

Thanks! Yes I agree he needs a wake up call and as much as we don't want to get the Police involved on a family member it is the only option since he will not cooperate otherwise. He has gotten away with it for so long now because he knows that we are afraid to threaten him and that he can use intimidation to make us back down. It's out of our hands now and I think this is the only option. He'll hate me for it and maybe never forgive me but I'm doing it out of love for my Mother so I'll just have to live with that.

jimmycrackcorm

Op your post is bizarre because if I read it as it is you are claiming that your father is mentally unwell because he is having an affair. You think that he has violent tendencies yet he hasn't done anything only displayed these when being provoked. This sounds nothing more than a domestic separation situation and a plan to remove him from the house.

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Op your post is bizarre because if I read it as it is you are claiming that your father is mentally unwell because he is having an affair. You think that he has violent tendencies yet he hasn't done anything only displayed these when being provoked. This sounds nothing more than a domestic separation situation and a plan to remove him from the house.

Its a very difficult situation and extremely hard to explain in writing as there is years of history. The women he is having the affair with is certified mentally unwell and has been in and out if mental hospital. I think 'mentally unwell' is not the correct way to describe my father but more delusional than anything. He thinks it is perfectly fine for him to see this woman and go away with her for days on end before returning and pretending like nothing is wrong. And yes I am afraid he has gotten violent many times in the past. He has hit my mother several times through out the years and thrown objects like cups at her. He also once threw a chair through the front window of our house after a domestic dispute and the guards were called by a neighbor.

He is a good man and not normally violent but unfortunately he has a temper which he can not control and certain things set this off without fail. The problem is that my Mother wants him out of the house but she cannot do so as she is afraid that he will beat her up.