driving fears

Liveen

I have been ordered to learn how to drive for "my own good". I started just under 2 years ago and spent money on over 20 lessons. I know the rules of the road, I know where to be and what to do. But to no avail. I am terrified of getting behind the wheel. I was taken out on a dual carraigeway on my very first lesson, which was horrifying, and got beeped out of it at a roundabout when I stalled (first lesson), and I think this awareness of the impatience and nastiness of other drivers has stayed with me since. I live in a city so it's not like I can get away from other drivers and the endless traffic. I cannot get it across to the people forcing me to do this how awful the experience of being behind the wheel is for me. Why do I need to drive at all? What's wrong with using public transport?! Or cycling? But no, I must do this. So, is there a cure for my fear?

Ickle Magoo

Hi there, given you a thread of your own. If you have an issue please post it on your own thread rather than dragging up someone else's thread from 2006!

Cheers!

John Mason

the only people who can order you to do anything is a Judge and Court.

if you dont want to learn to drive then just ignore everyone else - its none of their business.

as long as you dont want to drive, you wont be able to.

When YOU decide it is time to learn, you will learn and it you will be fine

Tell everyone to bugger off and concentrate on their own lives

dearg lady

I agree with Irishbird that you shouldn't feel pressured into doin something you don't want to,
BUT!!!!
You have invested a lot of time and money in it already, and unfortunately the fear is unlikely to go away without facing it.
I can empathise completely, I cried in the car more than once when I first started learning to drive!! I found it particularly nerve wrecking, more than what would be considered 'normal'
Have you got someone calm as an accompanying driver? I'm not sure I could have got this far without him! Basically you just need to relax and keep practicing. Try to ignore people getting aggravated and beeping around you. Concentrate on what you're doing, on following the procedures outlined by your instructor.

I was so close to giving up, honestly I think the only thing that kept me goin was that I'd already invested so much money in it!! I haven't yet passed my test, but I'm so much more confident and comfortable driving now, even through the city centre.

Oh another thing that helped me was to take a little break, I was away for about 6 weeks, and when I came back I had to remember all the basics again, but I found my driving was much better after about ten mins. If you decide to do this, make sure you don't put it on the long finger forever!

The people around you, while being overly pushy, genuinely do have your best interests at heart.

Best of luck, whatever you decide!!

Ps, nothin wrong with public transport and cycling, I still use both regularly, but it is nice to have the driving option the odd time!

cantdecide

Some people, particularly family, put a lot of pressure sometimes to do such things at particular times. I was the opposite. I have petrol in my veins I was mad to learn ASAP

If you have to or want to learn, I can assure you, it's only a process but you will find it difficult to learn on lessons alone. You have to be commited to the process and put in hours. You either have to get a car of your own or get insured in the car of your OH, friend, parent etc. and get more experience. If you're not commited to the process, put it to one side and stop developing a mental block over it.

Relax, btw. It is stressful for everyone. There is a great 'learning to drive' forum here too.

LegacyUser

I really feel for you op, I'm in a similar situation. last year (after plenty of forceful suggestions from family members) I decided to learn how to drive although I was terrified by the thought of it but I have a lung problem and walking/getting public transport is becoming a difficulty so I really need to drive. However, I had four lessons and although my driving was actually fine, I found myself completely petrified the entire time. Yes, yes I know what people are going to say ''I felt like that too but then I was fine'' but this was far beyond the norm and I really found myself dreading it, also I found that the driving instructor was moving very rapidly, although not as fast as your driving instructor!! Why on earth would you bring someone onto a dual carriageway on their first lesson?? Have you tried another driving instructor? I know that it can completely put you off, as it has done with me, I haven't gone back since he tried to make me drive down the main street in Cork. Also, I think that you should ignore the pressure from other people because you seem perfectly comfortable with getting public transport and/or walking so I don't see why you must learn how to drive. I'm in a different situation because when I'm ill then I really rely on lifts from people and it leads to resentment which I understand.

Liveen

So there are other people out there who understand that sickening sinking feeling I get when I take those car keys in my hand, the shaking legs, the racing heartbeat, the 'flee or flee' thoughts! Dearg Lady: your idea of a break is well used here. I must've been the only adult delighted with the snow and ice over winter as it meant I didn't have to do any driving at all. It was bliss. As it stands, my practice, which I force myself to do, is very erratic due to work schedules and my fear. The person forcing me to drive is my co-driver, now that I can no longer afford lessons. I drive around a quiet housing estate in the city about one evening a week, and then early on Sunday mornings I drive from my apt out into the blissfully empty countryside and most of the way back in again. I did change driving instructors after 4 lessons with that idiot and found a very nice one, but the damage had already been done and now I panic whenever I see another car in my rearview mirror. If I'm stopped at lights or at a stop line and another car comes up behind me, I either screech out of there or stall. After 2 years!!! People keep telling me to just forget about everyone else but it's impossible to do. I can't and it's depressing the life out of me. I have never hated anything so much Give me snakes and spiders anyday!

OP I used to be scared of it too and the instructors I had did not help at all.

I failed my first test- deservedly - and didn't go back to it for a few years.
After that, I got the number of an amazing instructor. She was very, very calming, did not push me too hard, and I never felt better.
I can PM you her number if you want, I think the instructor you get makes all the difference.
For your first lesson you should have been taken to some quiet back roads or industrial estate and kept there!! No wonder you've been traumatised!

cantdecide

You definitely need to change co-driver and you definitely need to practise more regularly. If you do locate more money for lessons, you should also make a rule of doing a certain amount of lessons with a teacher and then move on. It's not about finding someone nice or acceptable- you'll know when the teacher is talking the same language as you and help you with more remedial issues.

I'm not being patronising- I know that everyone learns at different rates. My mother learned to drive quite late in life and she never got the hang of it. She spent 10 years on a provisional and failed the test numerous times until I took her out, explained how the car actually works and taught her how to actually drive the car, rather than worrying about the rules of the road. She then passed the test.

Try to get out every evening for 15 minutes before the soaps come on rather than confining it all to occasional longer spins. You need to get things really engrained by not allowing yourself to go 'cold' between sessions.

I learned to drive motorbikes just a couple of years ago and I can assure you, as a big petrol head, I spent most of the time out of my mind with fear in the beginning!! I did shake and ask myself 'what the bloody hell am I doing on this thing'. It passed but I made myself get on it every evening and go for some kind of spin.

The process of driving isn't going to change to suit you. You have to change your attitude to it if you wish to conquer it. Then you can forget it and move on with your life.

ongarboy

OP, you don't "have" to drive if you don't want to. When you say you are being forced to by your co-driver, is this someone you carpool to work with and they are fed up with doing all the driving? If so, it sounds like the car pooling is not a satisfactory arrangement then. If as you said in your OP that you would prefer to use public transport, if the option is there then why not go ahead and do that. The Greens would love you for it! Your instructor on your first lesson should never have brought you out on a DC - they sounds like a cowboy instructor that has now instilled this phobia into you. However, if you believe that in reality you will need to drive (phobias can make you justify spending 3 hours on a bus vs 1 hour in a car commuting), then I recommend you contact a regulated and highly regarded driving school (google them to see if any of them are award winning) and emphasize that you have an intense fear of driving which you would like to overcome. It's part of their business to deal with type of learner/driver and they will completely empathise with you and assign a suitable instructor who will help you. You already know that most phobias are irrational and can be overcome so it's up to you to take the next step but only if "YOU" want to, not because someone else is nagging you to do so! Good luck!

moco

I got my driving test in June and I still get a sickness in my stomach when I have to drive.

I would say stick at it though, as I'm 31 now and it took 5 months of lessons every week to get my test. I did lessons twice before that, at 18 and at 21. Each time, I got to about the same stage of competence, let the fear overtake me, and gave up. I wasted hundreds at least on lessons, because when I took up lessons again at 30, I was back to square one.

The instructor is really important. The guy I got last year was brilliant. So calm and easy going and he had more confidence in me than I had in myself. Try and get as much practise as possible. My instructor told me to ignore cars behind you, don't feel pressure from other drivers on the road. Do things at your own pace, as long as you're not being dangerous. It never matters if you conk out. It'll all eventually click in your head some day. It just happens after a certain amount of practise.

It's definitely true that the older you are, the harder it gets to pass. Younger drivers have a certain amount of fearlessness that helps.

I still only drive once a week and it's one route that I know. If I have to go somewhere that I don't know which lane I'm supposed to be in I panic. Getting a Sat Nav helped me though.

Das Kitty

OP both my husband and I were late to the driving game. I was the same as you a couple of bad experiences early on in learning made me very scared of driving and not inclined to learn at all.

My husband was petrified, the only thing that convinced him to learn was me having a baby and him having to drive me to the hospital and around for a few months afterwards as I had a c-section.

I got a recommendation of a driving instructor from a friend who was similarly scared. It took me a long time to call the number, it took the work bus not turning up for the umpteenth time for it to happen. My first lesson with the new instructor changed my mind completely. He was able to empower me to be confident in my driving. 3 lessons later I had bought a car and booked the test and I passed first time.

My husband had the same experience with another instructor, his first one made him feel like he was doing everything wrong and the second one made him feel confident, he also passed a few months later.

I think that if you found an instructor that could bolster your confidence you would feel better about it. It does take a long long time to feel totally at ease driving though, so don't beat yourself up.

Persiancowboy

Hi op.....a lot of very helpful and positive messages here. I would just add that I find it astonishing that you were brought out onto a dual carriageway on your first lesson and that you also had to negotiate a roundabout. Most experienced drivers don't know how to drive on roundabouts not to mind bringing a learner on their first lesson. I had never sat behind the wheel of a car before my first lesson. I explained that to my instructor and, having met me in Dublin's Parnell St at lunchtime, he drove me to the Phoenix Park where there are plenty of less busy roads where i was able to get used to handling a car and driving it (very slowly!!!).

Like a lot of things in life, becoming a good driver is really mostly about confidence. Clearly you are from from that at present. Unless you go driving at the dead of night you are going to have to encounter traffic while learning. If you decide to go ahead and learn (and I think you should) finding a good and sympathetic instructor is imperative. Don't know where you are living but if you are on Dublin's southside I can recommend a female instructor (personal friend of mine) who is absolutely fantastic at allaying a lot of natural fears that learner drivers have. Feel free to pm me if you want further details.

Best of luck.

Liveen

You have all been so kind and constructive - thank you. To answer the big question: I am not being forced to drive for work or anything like that. I work close by and live in the city so can walk everywhere. This is being forced upon me as I am now in my 30s so time's a-galloping on, and I also have a long-term dream of living in the countryside. So I will eventually have no public transport to rely on ... Alas, I did find that understanding instructor, but even those lessons were dreaded. Money down a drain? Cantdecide, I love your idea of going out for 15 mins every evening, even though it will mean driving in rush hour traffic. It will be HELL on wheels! I am just going to have to go for it I guess.

Ickle Magoo

Keep in mind that the more you do it, the easier it gets...have you ever tried mastering juggling? Or ski-ing? Or skate-boarding? It's terrifying (okay, maybe not the juggling!) and every movement is so deliberate and has to be thought about and is so clumsy - and then as time goes on you get more and more fluid and have to think about what you are doing less until it becomes second nature and you wonder how you ever found it impossible. Driving is exactly the same, you start out watching gear-sticks and every car moving towards you jump-starts your heart until eventually you calm down, you drive without thinking and control the car instinctively while knowing where to look ahead and expect issues.

Perhaps approach the issue in two stages? First get to grips with the mechanics of driving in a nice quiet roads or industrial estate and once you are comfortable with the actual driving aspect, tackle the fear of traffic and slowly build up to faster and more congested roads.

All the best! :cool:

LollieB

Hey- it took me about three rounds of driving lessons (each of them i gave up after lesson 3) before I felt ready to drive. I felt pressured into it by my mum and dad and there were many tears spilled and screaming matches with my dad in the cars while I was out practicing.

I passed my test first time last June after driving around on my own for a few years (I used to get up at 6am at the weekends and drive the journey to college and work when there was no one around), after the lessons I got from a great instructor. I had snotty comments from people about how long it took me to actually get on the roads, but funnily enough those people have yet to pass their test.

You will do it when you are good and ready and when you decide that you want to learn for your own reasons, the confidence you will get from making that decision will filter down into your driving.

Good luck!

R.D. aka MR.D

I passed my driving test in October. I had been only learning for 2 months. IMO driving is 80% confidence 20% technique.

So if you don't have the confidence you won't go very far!

I used to be worried about the people behind me but what I always kept in mind is that those people learned too, at some stage in their life. You have an L plate up. And if they beep then thats their problem. If they crash into you from behind then it's their fault!!

When you die out then just calmly switch it back on and away you go. Even try to laugh at the situation. As i said we all learned at some time! people who have been driving years still die out!

Another tip is to rev away! when your taking off then rev away, it'll make a loud noise and all that but again we've all learned!!!!

I passed my test the first time and I put it down to just telling myself it doesn't matter whether i pass or fail. The only thing that motivated me was the fact that i hated getting lessons and driving around the same route all the time. So just tell yourself before you get into the car that you are going to do your best and to hell with anyone else.

every day is a new day and a day that you can conquer your fear.

best of luck!

starlit

Hey OP,

I'm in the same position as yourself. Don't worry about it, everyone who has learnt how to drive has been there at some point in their driving career while learning to drive.

I had a load of confidence when I started learning to drive two years ago but now that confidence is gone. I have to build that up again to get back driving as well as getting over the nerves of driving as well. I have a fear every time I go out on the road now. Like you get the same feeling in the pit of my stomach/nervous etc the same as you before heading out for a drive. I am always anxious and heart beating fast, while driving these days even ton the roads I know so well and have driven thousands of times to this day I'm afraid. Its imperative to chose a patient and nice driving instructor. It might be an idea to change your co-driver, if they are putting you under too much pressure on you and making you nervous then you aren't going to learn from them. I have had 10 lessons with two driving instructors between them and I haven't made much progress since with my accompany driver whom I've had well over 20 lessons with. I know now I have to go back out and start again and find a new driving instructor who will not only help me pass my test but teach me how to drive for 'life'.

I had the same feeling as you with the bad whether, was glad not having to drive in the ice and snow. I wouldn't be good a driver and not competent enough to tackle that. My biggest fears are trucks, pulling out on a hill, conking out at junctions/in traffic and roundabouts sometimes the left and rights turns can frighten me if not stopping/yeilding at the right position. I live out in the country so driving is a little bit easier than city driving.

To be honest, your driving instructor should just have started with the basics and eased you in, starting you on a dual carraigeway was a bit much for a first lesson ok for a second one maybe. It's important to tell your next driving instructor where you are in your driving, how you are doing with it and what you want to do and what you need to improve on etc. They be able to assess you where you are at, at your driving and take it from there. You may need only a couple of lessons or a number of them depending how quick you learn. It takes time. Safety is the key aswell. Its not something you can rushing learning some people get the hang of it quicker than others, just learn at your own pace you be fine.

Try not to let other people force you and put pressure on you to drive. You call the shots and do it in your own time. You don't have to drive if you don't want too. I often taken breaks in between my driving sessions if they get too much and I get frustrated, often cry over it and feel like giving up, but I'm determined and not willing to give up. Everyone is different and learn at their own pace. Please let those who are pressuring you know how you feel otherwise they cannot understand and help you when it comes to driving. Even if it means making them listen if they don't well its your own business and you make the decision when you want to drive. Its not a big deal to cycle and use public transport, living in a city isn't too bad, and you can walk on foot like I have done most of the time any time I have lived in a city. Its handy out but persevere with the driving you will get there.

It might be worth if you could get discounts/offers with your driving lessons. It probably work out cheaper to pay for lessons in blocks instead of one by one even though you might think it might not be an efficient way for you.

Your not alone in this, I'm in the same boat as you as well as many others in this country are too! So just a matter of getting back on track and practice and get good intruction. The more experience and practice you get the more confident you will become.

Best of luck OP

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Wompa1

If I was you I'd try to conquer my fears. I think everybody is a bit scared at first and you are right about the nastiness of other drivers. I always felt like because I had the L plate on my car people intentionally tailgated me. Stick in there buddy!

ebbsy

I was in the same boat as the OP - did a few lessons and then stopped.

In the end was forced to learn as I had to bring the son to football - I was always hitching lifts but once the matches started it was not possible.

Now I look back on it I laugh at myself. I got a very patient neighbour to take me to an industrial estate, then some quiet county roads.

Practice,Practice,Practice.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
I was the same really petrified and i used to cry as well. I would think i was making great progress and then something would happen and i would be right back to feeling like crap about it! My advice is to get a good instructor, there are plenty of bad ones out there happy to take your money and waste that and your time so you need to find a good one. Also go out on really quiet roads until you really get the feel of using gears and checking mirrors and just practising hill starts(they were a nightmare for me, as in i would break out in a cold sweat if there were a set of lights on a hill!
People will beep at you big deal, it happens to everyone, some drivers are just ridiculously impatient. In time you won't give a dam and realise for the most part its them!
I wouldn't give up OP, it definitely is confidence though and you need to find a way to build it up!

LegacyUser

debated whether to reply to this or not, as i am the OPs co-driver.
this is not my usual name, more for a privacy reason for both of us.
had not though i had put her under too much pressure, but reading this i can see i have.
the reality is both of us are over thirty. neither of us bothered with driving until recently. I started driving just over two years ago (i could drive from when i was younger, but always rural, and had never even been in a town dont mind city) i passed my text almost 2 years ago. and as one previous poster said what helped me pass the test is i didnt care whether i passed or not. as i had planned on postponing it, as my instructor at the time advised me to do, he was away for the 2 weeks prior to my test. i decided to give it a go for the experience, and passed.
when we lived in Dublin we did not need to drive, and so didnt, we moved west, and while i do now need a car to get to work, we again live in a coty, and a car would not have been a necessity.
but the plans are to get back rural again. and this is where the pressure came from. public transport would not be an option, my work prevents me from working local, i will always need to travel to it i think. and so leaving my "co-driver" in the country for the day. i did not think this was a workable solution for her. hence the pressure to start learning now.
she is a very inteligent capeable woman, i know she can do this, once she sets her mind to it. and in fairness she is trying, and getting on quite well i think. currently i am working quite a bit of overtime, and by the evening and knackered, and so have been letting the lessons slip if she did not mention it. that will change, next week, we will do plenty of lessons, maybe taking an idea of another poster and doing shorter lessons? dont know will discuss it with the OP.

thanks to everyone that replyed, you all gave good advice and i will try take it on boards as will the OP, i know.

dearg lady

another thing that helped me, instead of goin for a drive 'to learn' drive soemwhere ya actually need or want to go, call over to a friend, do the shopping, etc. It becomes less of a chore that way

theneurotic

OP, I had the same issues with driving as you, if not worse, so can totally empathise. I felt completely pressured into driving by family and friends, and literally couldn't so much as sit behind the wheel without shaking, sweaty palms, and breaking down in tears when made turn on the ignition - I even had nightmares. That pressure's been on since I was 16 - I'm 24 now, and still only have my provisional. I live way out in the countryside, so can see the need, but it was only when I'd left the country and completely removed myself from the issue that I wanted to drive, and now that I'm back, I'm taking it slow, taking my time, and have talked through how I was being made feel - completely useless amongst other things - with those that were pushing me. Since then my dad's been taking me out, just around carparks, for maybe twenty minutes at a time, and I love it! The main thing is to decide when you're ready to do it, and then throw yourself into it, 'cause you'll find yourself enjoying learning a new skill and the freedom that it gives you. Dedicated public transport user for 4+ years, but I can't wait now to get out on the road when I want without relying on others!
Good luck Op, just take your time and you'll get there, and don't let the fear overcome all the benefits!