I do not love my wife

LegacyUser

My wife tells me that she does not ask me for anything, yet I pay all the bills - mortgage, phone, utilities. She and I are not very suited and I can barely stand to be in the same room as her. I would move out but I have no money. She does not have a real job - she works maybe two days a week - and does not, in my estimation seem willing or able to get a job. We have no children and I do not want to have children with this woman because she is clueless and I do not think that putting children in her care would be good for the human race. Sorry, that sounds awful but it's the truth. We are both in our thirties (33, 38). This situation has been going on for well over a year now. I tried to tell her to stay home when she visited her own country (she's not Irish) in the summer but she came back - as far as I can see she did this because 'we' have a house.
We have been married for 5 years. I see all of this clearly and yet I cannot change it. Can someone give me some words of advice or something, anything.
I feel so trapped.

chicken fingers

Just divorce her and be done with it.

Ickle Magoo

You have two choices...as you are basing your feelings on estimations you can ask her to attend marriage counselling with you and try to work through your issues, or you can file for divorce.

There is little point in hating her for living a situation you have allowed to develop and drag on for over a year - you both have responsibilities to ensure your personal and relationship expectations and boundaries are adhered to and getting eaten up with bitterness is unhealthy for you - accept you've played your part in how things sit currently and then get pro-active in getting out of it again.

All the best.

sbsquarepants

To be honest i don't understand what you're asking.
You quite clearly hate this woman, why are you confused about what to do?
If you're concerned about having to split your assets, ie the house, well basically just suck it up and get on with it, no one or nothing is worth being that miserable for, and money certainly isn't. You're gonna have to split your assets at the end of the day so just accept it and move on, it's not going to change.
It sounds to me like it will be money well spent.

metrovelvet

Do both of you a favor and petition for divorce. There are no kids involved and just a house to be divided, and then maybe not if she hasnt been paying the mortgage. Even if she gets half of it, it will be worth it rather than wasting your life with someone you clearly cant stand and have no respect for.

kerryman12

+1 to the last two posts.

Life is short, dont waste it being unhappy. You can move on a enjoy your life.

IrishEyes19

dfsdfsd wrote: »

My wife tells me that she does not ask me for anything, yet I pay all the bills - mortgage, phone, utilities. She and I are not very suited and I can barely stand to be in the same room as her. I would move out but I have no money. She does not have a real job - she works maybe two days a week - and does not, in my estimation seem willing or able to get a job. We have no children and I do not want to have children with this woman because she is clueless and I do not think that putting children in her care would be good for the human race. Sorry, that sounds awful but it's the truth. We are both in our thirties (33, 38). This situation has been going on for well over a year now. I tried to tell her to stay home when she visited her own country (she's not Irish) in the summer but she came back - as far as I can see she did this because 'we' have a house.
We have been married for 5 years. I see all of this clearly and yet I cannot change it. Can someone give me some words of advice or something, anything.
I feel so trapped.

You tried to tell her to stay home??? This isnt a girlfriend or lover, this is your wife, you need to be upfront and honest with her and tell her the truth

Distorted

Unfortunately I think the only way forward is to face up to your responsibilties and see where you went wrong in your choice of wife. You will have to pay her money in any divorce settlement. Surely though there must be more wrong than her failure to work full time? If thats the only thing, then why didn't you pick a wife with an established career and ambition?

Sibylla

You need to both sit down and discuss your feelings, If it's worth trying or if you're better off apart, It can't be healthy living with someone you intensely dislike.

Zen65

dfsdfsd wrote: »

We have no children and I do not want to have children with this woman because she is clueless and I do not think that putting children in her care would be good for the human race.

That's a fairly harsh comment to make about somebody you once loved enough to marry. I'm confused about your thoughts on this woman, because you say this has been going on for a year now, but you've been married for 5 years. So there were 4 years of good marriage?

There's enough people offering the advice to file for divorce, so allow me to offer an alternative view. I don't offer the alternative view because I believe it is any better than the divorce option, but I think you need to consider more than one option. In any event, as I understand it (and I'm not a solicitor) the laws on divorce in Ireland require that you must be living separately for 5 years before a divorce can be granted. The expression "living separately" does not require separate addresses, but it does effectively require that there can be no conjugal relations in that time.

So, if 4 of the 5 years were good or OK, then why not seek marriage counselling first, before you plunge for the divorce option? The feelings you express (like that quoted) are so extreme it really does suggest that there are feelings there on your side. Right now those feelings are negative, but it's often said that where feelings are intense it is easier to reach reconciliation than when feelings have simply been replaced with apathy.

Be at peace,

Z