Friend has cut himself off

LegacyUser

I have a mate who I have been friends with for years since we were in 1st year in secondary school (now in college), we are like best mates but this guy for the past 2 years are so has started to remove himself from nights out and other activities the rest of us would do. In the first year of college he didn't really make an effort to get friends and just hung around with my group and they started to dislike him, but I couldn't understand why at the time guess it was just down to the fact that we were friends for so long. Then during this summer I got him and another friend summer work through a contact, we all signed up with good intentions, he then cut himself off from everyone in work and started a fight with my other mate over something stupid which made things real awkward as we all lived together, then he gets in trouble at work for not acting like a team player and having a bad attitude so he quits, which made me look like a right idiot especially to the management there as I know them well and what really annoys me about that is the fact that we only had three weeks left on the job at this stage.

I then invite him to nights out and what not and he does not even txt back which I find really annoying. I confronted him there last night and he tells me that he dosent think anything is wrong so I tell him if he does not want to be my friend then a Im cool with that, but he swears he wants to be my mate. I asked him if he is depressed or needed to talk but he says everything is fine, I dont know anymore all my other mates are not sure why I bother being his friend but truth being told he has been like a brother to me over the years.

It felt good to get that off my chest I dont know what Im looking from here so sorry about the rant and I understand there are people on here with way worse problems but Im open to here from others.

LegacyUser

Well, it seems like your mate - for whatever reason - doesn't seem to get on with most people well. Maybe he knows this, and is now avoiding nights out and such for this reason. Or maybe he doesn't like going out much anymore.

Instead of inviting him to nights out and the like, maybe just restrict your time with him to times when it's just the two of you.

LegacyUser

maybe it's a case of your mate being depressed or having something personal going on.

But it may also be a case of him simply going his own way in life, especially around that age (I assume 22/23, being in college).

Your setting yourself up for what and who your gonna be for the rest of your life, and maybe his path is just taking him a different direction.


I had a pretty good friend in college, basically did the same thing.

He was sort of drifting for a while, then, in final year, he basically cut himself off altogether.
Hardly saw him.

Didn't show up for the graduation even.

I e-mailed him, and got a reply back saying he had moved to another country working - and he didn't so much as mention a word to anyone.

We still keep in touch from time to time, just to see what each other is at really.

He seems real happy with what he's doing, even if it is pretty far removed, but that's how it goes.

Sometimes folk just go their way, and it's cool you want to be there for your mate, and I guess, sucks for you a little that your loosing a friend, but really the only thing you can do is go with the flow in a situation like that.

LegacyUser

Sonny L wrote: »

maybe it's a case of your mate being depressed or having something personal going on.

But it may also be a case of him simply going his own way in life, especially around that age (I assume 22/23, being in college).

Your setting yourself up for what and who your gonna be for the rest of your life, and maybe his path is just taking him a different direction.


I had a pretty good friend in college, basically did the same thing.

He was sort of drifting for a while, then, in final year, he basically cut himself off altogether.
Hardly saw him.

Didn't show up for the graduation even.

I e-mailed him, and got a reply back saying he had moved to another country working - and he didn't so much as mention a word to anyone.

We still keep in touch from time to time, just to see what each other is at really.

He seems real happy with what he's doing, even if it is pretty far removed, but that's how it goes.

Sometimes folk just go their way, and it's cool you want to be there for your mate, and I guess, sucks for you a little that your loosing a friend, but really the only thing you can do is go with the flow in a situation like that.

ya Im pretty mad about the situation, but he swears to me he wants to stay friends and hang out, I always knew he was a bit more shy than most, but a few years back he made an effort to be friends with people, I think something must have happened to him but he wont say, I was talking to his brother and he said he sits in doors all day doing nothing and hanging around with no-one which does not seem right.

LegacyUser

do4567q wrote: »

ya Im pretty mad about the situation, but he swears to me he wants to stay friends and hang out, I always knew he was a bit more shy than most, but a few years back he made an effort to be friends with people, I think something must have happened to him but he wont say, I was talking to his brother and he said he sits in doors all day doing nothing and hanging around with no-one which does not seem right.

you really need to get him to talk man, cinema anything just make an effort(I know you are) but seriously I would be forever greatful for someone to have pulled me out of my rut

LegacyUser

do4567q wrote: »

.... he said he sits in doors all day doing nothing and hanging around with no-one which does not seem right.

Well, that's a bit different then I guess.

The bloke I was talking about was still very outgoing, but just not with our group, the guys he used to hang out with.
He just went off on a different path.

I'd have no idea, but the above, of course, doesn't sound too healthy.

LegacyUser

zasssi wrote: »

you really need to get him to talk man, cinema anything just make an effort(I know you are) but seriously I would be forever greatful for someone to have pulled me out of my rut

See I have tried really hard for the last year are so but I dont seem to be helping, and while I would love to pull him out of his rut he probably needs to do that himself, I cant watch his back everyday. After I mentioned it to him a few nights ago he started coming out and hanging around again, but he generally does that every few months are so, Im not sure if it was a wake up call for him or if he will just fall into the same routine I think time will only tell but I hate to say it looks very predictable.

Overheal

do4567q wrote: »

ya Im pretty mad about the situation, but he swears to me he wants to stay friends and hang out, I always knew he was a bit more shy than most, but a few years back he made an effort to be friends with people, I think something must have happened to him but he wont say, I was talking to his brother and he said he sits in doors all day doing nothing and hanging around with no-one which does not seem right.

For all you and his brother know he could just be that guy. Hell im that guy. I dont like blowing money at the pub or going out every weekend its just not me.

Not much to do there. If anything I'd just pose your invites in an indirect way. At least that way if he doesnt reply to you its not going to piss you off. "A bunch of us are going to X and Y'oclock if you want to come down."

Not everyone is a social butterfly or likes to spend their free time crowded among other people. Thems just the facts. It's not a new phenomenon, they're called Hermits. Loners. Recluse. Take your pick. Nothing is necessarily wrong with your friend at all. I assume he goes out occasionally and is far from agoraphobic.