Issue with old friends

Hey everybody

A while ago now I cut 2 of my oldest friends in the world out of my life by simply not making an effort with them. I have known the 2 of them for as far back as I can remember. We used to be good friends and were always close but the reason I decided to cut them out was because:

a. They seem to be going nowhere in life and are happy sitting at home doing nothing and I fear that if I continue to have them in my life there mindset will hold me back

b. Since I have been away to uni I feel like as a person I'm different to what they knew me as. We come from a muslim upbringing I'm not religious and they aren't either but they still cling to the ideologies behind it for example I drink and they look down on people who do.

c. When I was at university I always felt like the one who made the effort. i.e. when I visited home it would always be me who made contact and made plans, if I didnt then nothing would happen.

d. Now that I am back in our hometown they still dont seem to make an effort with me unless they have to for example we used to play football once a week but they had been playing for about 5 weeks before they even asked me to join them even though they asked my little brother to play.

Recently I have began to re-evaluate my approach and second guessing whether I have made the correct decision. Based on the information above do you think I have made a good decision or bad decision.

Thanks in advance

Khuz

karaokeman

I am very sorry to say this but based on the lines you have given me, I think you haven't been fair on your friends.

I've known people who cut me out of their lives and that's not really a good attitude to have. If you feel the person is not making the suitable effort to sustain a friendship, try to talk with them about it.

Friendship is not something you should give up on. Friends are people that can support you during the most difficult of times and will always listen to you when something's gone wrong in your life.

In my experience people like this only cut you out if they look down on you. Maybe your friends are going through a rough patch and need some space, you didn't give much detail as to what was happening in their own lives so I cannot make a complete judgement on that.

Having said all that, you may still have a chance to patch things up with your friends. How long have they been out of your life for? Maybe you could contact them now and see what was really going on from their point of view and then together you's can work out a solution.

Hope I've helped.

Thanks for the advice.. In terms what is going in their lives there is nothing at all and I am 100% certain of this. I cut them out a few months ago. Surely as part of being friends with someone the effort made should be equal by both parties to the friendship. Looking back through it has always been myself who has made the effort with the two of them. Especially when I was at university which was particularly difficult because I had other things going on and they had nothing going on.

I dont look down on them at all because they are both very intelligent guys however they lack motivation and have a very negative attitude towards life.

Since I have cut them out I have not actually noticed it.

BroomBurner

I don't really understand your question. You cut them out of your life (which you were entitled to do) and are now complaining that they don't include you in stuff? What did you expect?

James400

Hi OP, i've done the same thing as you have with a friend of mine, i haven't been talking to him for about a year. I've cut him out of my life.

There were a few reasons why-

*I went on holiday with him with other friends, we both shared an apartment and he walked out to do his own thing during the day for a week- he was gone for hours and didn't invite me with him. Which i found incredibly odd as we always did stuff together.

*I bought tickets for a band that we both liked...queued up for five hours, i rang him at his workplace to tell him and he told me to get my cousin to go instead.

*When out socially with him he would rubbish my opinion and embarass me in front of other new people.

*He started to go to gigs during the week and wouldn't invite me along.

It all came to a head when i texted him to ask him out for a drink one weekend, he was already out in the local pub with another friend of mine earlier in the day. He point blank refused to respond to my text, so i only knew where he was because my other friend had the good manners to text me back to tell me where they where.

I am now a happier person socially and at work because i am now doing my own things and things that i like as an individual. I now answer to nobody/ chase nobody.

If you feel you have to cut people out of your life then you are justified to do what you see fit. You will become a better independent person.

Thanks for the insight into your personal experience James, it makes me feel better about my decision knowing that another person has taken a similar rational approach.

Broom my question was have I made the correct decision in cutting them out of my life based on the reason I highlighted because of the length of time Iv known them I decided to re-evaluate my reasoning. I'm not complaining that they dont include me in stuff. I simply mentioned it to illustrate that they dont actually make an effort with me despite the fact that im back in our hometown. Which simply strengthens my decision to cut them out. Also If they are deliberately excluding me from stuff because I have not made an effort with them, surely if they were true friends they would call or text and say 'whats up, how come we havent seen you in a while'.

Just to clarify I'm not ignoring them, they have not text or called me at all, so why should I make the effort when I'm always the one doing it anyway.

Chuchoter

I don't think you should worry about it. If they make an effort, so be it, if they don't they don't. Get other friends.

At the beginning of this year I decided to kind of drop 2 friends by just not putting in the vast amount of effort into the relationship I was. I was always the one planning things, always going out of my way to go places near them and they were constantly late, never invited me to their things and just in general weren't all that bothered with me.

A lot of the time, I do wish I was still friends with them purely because they were entertaining and we had a lot in common, but then I remember how bad they made me feel. You should only be friends with people who care about you and are prepared to put in the effort

WhatWillBee

Deleted User wrote: »

Also If they are deliberately excluding me from stuff because I have not made an effort with them, surely if they were true friends they would call or text and say 'whats up, how come we havent seen you in a while'.

Wait a second....let me get this right first....

You admit your purposively stopped making an effort with them and now you are upset because they don't include you in their lives after you moved back and/or dont chase you wondering why you ditched them? Are you kidding me?

You have no right to be upset that they dont care about a friend who cut them out of his life. Do you really think you'd move back home and you all would be pals again?

And you are actually accusing THEM of not being true friends?

Leave this people to their lives and in future, think more carefully before you cut someone out of your life.

John400

WhatWillBee wrote: »

Wait a second....let me get this right first....

You admit your purposively stopped making an effort with them and now you are upset because they don't include you in their lives after you moved back and/or dont chase you wondering why you ditched them? Are you kidding me?

You have no right to be upset that they dont care about a friend who cut them out of his life. Do you really think you'd move back home and you all would be pals again?

And you are actually accusing THEM of not being true friends?

Leave this people to their lives and in future, think more carefully before you cut someone out of your life.

Did you actually read the Op's post?

His friends are not putting the effort in with him, he's doing the chasing/organising...James has already had this happen to him so he's justifiably cut this person out of his life.

OP and James are both right as far as i'm concerned, it's not hard to fathom.

Thanks for the supporting opinions from Crayolstereo and John400.

Based on the posts it does not seem that anyone has formed a cogent argument as to my decision being incorrect. Karaokeman you did provide a well reasoned argument regarding my decision which did provide me with some food for thought. BroomBurner simply asked for clarification. WhatWillBee for whatever reason simply commented on one of my posts and did not actually read my other posts.

I believe that I have made the correct decision. Thank you all for your opinions and posts. I think this thread can be closed by the moderators because this issue has been resolved.

Thank you

Khuz