Nephew being "confirmed"...don't agree nor want to go

LegacyUser

Hey folks.

I was raised catholic, but gave up believing in that business a long long time ago (and never really believed in it tbh), and the revelations of sexual abuse and all the covering up was the final nail...

Soon, my nephew will have his "confirmation", which I'm dead against. But I am expected by the family to turn up, endure the ceremony, afters etc and give him a load of money for no reason but to say he pledges to be a follower of the Roman Catholic religion.

I really disagree with what this symbolizes....and I'd like some advice on what to do.

Do I just go with the flow? Stand my ground and just tell them how i feel? or a compromise of some sort?

Thanks in advance.

(I don't mean to offend anyone who is a believer...)

dudara

I don't believe in Catholicism - but that doesn't stop me from attending family events based around religion.

Why - because my opinions are my own and it is not my right to ram them down the throats of others. In addition, days like Confirmation days are more than religious events - they are family days.

BTW - a warning to all posters. Please do not start the anti-Church debate. It will result in immediate bans.

allym

Go.
He's your nephew and it's a family event regardless of what your views of it are.
For most kids making their confirmation/ communion these days they don't even think about the religious aspect. For them it's a day where they get a new outfit, probably go out to dinner, get to see their families and get some money. It's become just another milestone for most kids like big birthdays like your 18th or whatever.

That's not to say that your nephew doesn't appreciate the religious element and perhaps that it is important to him, I don't know. But either way I think you should just view it as another family event and go.

Ickle Magoo

What is more important to you? Boycotting a ceremony you don't agree with or attending a family function for someone else which is based around something you personally don't want in YOUR life?

TBH, I don't understand boycotting religious ceremonies - would you boycott a wedding? Perhaps a funeral? You weren't invited for your approval, you were invited because someone in your family wants you to be a part of something THEY view as important. If your principles mean more then by all means don't go but unless you are being asked to be an integral part of religious proceedings then I think that's a bit drastic....not that it should matter but I say that as someone who has never had any religion/religious ties.

All the best. :cool:

Firetrap

You should go. I'm not religious either but do go along to weddings/christenings/funerals etc. if I'm invited or out of respect for the family of the person who has died. It's the turning up that counts really.

The thing here is that it's a family occasion and your nephew will have been preparing for this for ages in school. By not going, it could be perceived as being a snub and you might hurt your nephew's feelings. I'm sure your family are well aware of your feelings about the church but this is your nephew's day and it's not your place to spoil the celebrations.

sam34

this day isnt about you and i think it would be incredibly selfish to make a song and dance about why you're not going.

if it bothers you that much, dont go, but dont make a big issue about your beliefs, just say you cant make it.

if i were you, i'd put up and shut up for the sake of a few hours and a family member appreciating your support.

If it bothers you that much you could just go to the afters. If I were you I'd go to the ceremony though, it's not like you have to do anything. Just show up, give him 20 quid or so, stand when people stand, sit when people sit, you don't have to join in any prayer or take communion or anything.

Although, if you're going to be making jokes about the mass/church or acting like believers are stupid, don't go. (I'm sure you probably wouldn't do anything like that, but I know a few people who would).

ztoical

I wouldn't go to the church part. I haven't attended any church related functions for years and it's never caused any issue - I've never made any comments about my dislike for religion and no one has ever asked, honestly most just assume you've got work or something else on, we're not back in the dark ages were everyones whole lives revolves around the whims of the church. Show up the house/meal/function/whatever is happening after. Frankly unless your really involved in your nephews life I wouldn't expect you to be at the church part anyway even if you didn't have any issues with religion. Any relations that had confirmations in my family only direct family [mum and dad and maybe siblings - most recent cousin only had her mum and older sister there and everyone else went to their house] went to the church and the rest of the family just turned up in the pub later in the evening.

taram

Maybe tell the nephew's parents that you don't agree with it, but want to support your nephew, and still give him a present, make a fuss of him and be at the afters, just skip the church part. If you think they would be against that, maybe say the church is too hot for you, and you feel ill or something, but do be visibly there for your nephew, he may not want to be there as much as you, and if he does, you should respect his choice.

I personally didn't want to be confirmed, but had a good day once the religious stuff was over, enjoyed being around all my family just chilling out and having tiny sandwiches and lots of tea

IrishEyes19

the day of my confirmation and many years later, I remember literarly being excited to wear my new outfit, be with all my friends and celebrate with my family afterwards. To be honest I dont remember the prayers or much of the cermonial stuff. I think if I was your niece or nephew Id be bitterly disappointed that you didnt turn up because you dont agree with the church. Going to it, isnt stating you believe in the church, its making your nephew's day special.

poozers

confirmations and communions arent becoming less and less about religion anyway! Just go! its your nephews day, let it be all about him and not you! so you dont believe in it, so what??!! dont ruin his day!! its my godsons communion this year, and im not much of a believer, but im excited about making a fuss of him, and letting him enjoy his day!

Skip the church and go to the afters? i think thats a solid compromise.

tenchi-fan

fortez wrote: »

Soon, my nephew will have his "confirmation", which I'm dead against. But I am expected by the family to turn up, endure the ceremony, afters etc and give him a load of money for no reason but to say he pledges to be a follower of the Roman Catholic religion.

I really disagree with what this symbolizes....and I'd like some advice on what to do.

Well aren't you dramatic?

I think you should stop trying to make the day about yourself and and have some respect for other people's cultures/religions/traditions.

Once again, your nephew's day is NOT about you, so don't go around moaning to other people that you don't really want to be there, don't bitch and moan about "having" to go, and don't start any anti-church bashing on the day.

If you can't agree to these little rules and behave like decent person, then yes, you should turn down the invitation - not out of principle, but out of respect for your nephew and his family.

Joey the lips

i dont believe in the Jewish faith, nor muslim hindu or church of ireland. But i have been to services for them all. Not because i believe but because it was my friends.

I honeslty believe you come under the banner of those who use faith as a rod.

Its your nephew. He is being confirmed. Its his day. His special day. Dont try make it your day of protest.

Go because you care for your nephew or dont go because you simply dont want to.

AnonoBoy

As everyone above has said - it's a family event. If you don't go people won't say 'Ah yes, obviously they don't agree with the Catholic faith', they'll say, 'How selfish of him/her not to come to their nephew's confirmation.'

You don't have to go up and receive communion or swear an allegiance to God or anything like that. Just go along and sit there, sing fecking showtunes in your head to pass the time if you need to.

Family is more important sometimes.

Neyite

I would have the same feelings about Catholicism as you, but I really dont understand why you are dead against Confirmation. I take it then that you are against all the other Catholic ceremonies like christenings, weddings, funerals, communions etc. and dont attend these either?

I last attended mass a few weeks ago. I would have preferred not to but it was for a mass being said for deceased family members that was important to my father in law. So I went, I did not go up for communion, but my attendance there was to show support for a man I respect and admire commerating his family in his own way, nothing to do with the church.

You are not going to be asked to partake in the Confirmation Ritual -you are just an observer at a day out for a kid.

thefeatheredcat

fortez wrote: »

Soon, my nephew will have his "confirmation", which I'm dead against. But I am expected by the family to turn up, endure the ceremony, afters etc and give him a load of money for no reason but to say he pledges to be a follower of the Roman Catholic religion.

I really disagree with what this symbolizes....and I'd like some advice on what to do.

Do I just go with the flow? Stand my ground and just tell them how i feel? or a compromise of some sort?

Thanks in advance.

(I don't mean to offend anyone who is a believer...)

I'm not Catholic and do not identify with a religion, but if I was asked to attend something for the sake of one of my nephews I would swallow my pride and principles to be there for them, even if it goes against my own beliefs.

While you can happily disagree with the principles and concept for your own reasons with respect, consider if your nephew would be disappointed that you're not there?

If you're not involved in any of the process directly, fair enough, but when your nephew asks why you're not there on a day that may mean something to him (or may not) and not in the photos, he could be a bit hurt.

tbh put your nephew's feelings ahead of your own principles, it will be more generous for you to be there than a child noticing your absence.

however, if you really, really feel that you could not endure the ceremony, but prepared to go to the afters, please be the one to explain it to your nephew directly why you weren't there and that it is not a reflection upon him, rather than leaving someone else to have to make up an excuse that might not be convincing.

rainbowtrout

fortez wrote: »

Hey folks.

I was raised catholic, but gave up believing in that business a long long time ago (and never really believed in it tbh), and the revelations of sexual abuse and all the covering up was the final nail...

Soon, my nephew will have his "confirmation", which I'm dead against. But I am expected by the family to turn up, endure the ceremony, afters etc and give him a load of money for no reason but to say he pledges to be a follower of the Roman Catholic religion.

I really disagree with what this symbolizes....and I'd like some advice on what to do.

Do I just go with the flow? Stand my ground and just tell them how i feel? or a compromise of some sort?

Thanks in advance.

(I don't mean to offend anyone who is a believer...)

Go to the confirmation and stop whinging. It's not about you and your beliefs. You don't get a say in how your nephew is raised either. I'm not a Catholic and several of my friends have got married/had children christened in the last few years. It hasn't stopped me going to any of those ceremonies. Reason?? That's the way they chose to celebrate the occasion of getting married/bringing a child into the world. It isn't for me to dictate how they go about it. I've attended plenty of funerals over the years. All of them have been Cathlolic ceremonies as that is what the person (and their family) chose. I attended because I knew/was related to the person and wanted to pay my respects. It had nothing to do with religion. And if the time comes that I get married (in a civil ceremony) or have children (and have some sort of party to welcome the baby without any religious references) I would hope that they would come along and celebrate with me and not throw a strop about how they don't believe in my heathen ways and that they couldn't attend a ceremony which isn't Catholic. Actually I'm pretty sure most of them would come along and be glad not to have to endure the mass part of it!

tinkerbell

OP, I don't understand why you have to go to the ceremony if you don't want to go. I mean, your nephew is not going to notice if you're not there - he'll be too busy getting confirmed and all that to even see you in the church. Skip the ceremony and go to the afters. And if his parents have a problem with it, tell them you are not comfortable going to the ceremony for your own reasons, and it's not up for discussion.

And regarding the money bit, you don't have to give your nephew a rake of cash. If you want to, give him something but it doesn't have to be a load of money. You don't have to give him anything though.

Reesy

Hi OP,

I'm not a christian either, but like lots of other posters, I attend various christian events when appropriate because other people want me to. Heck, I even celebrate Christmas, with all the cards & presents & stuff Yes, it kinda makes me a hypocrite, but for me, life's about community. If you embraced Hinduism, how would you want your non-Hindu friends to behave at your religious events?

So my response to your personal issue is to suggest that you go along but don't take part in the ritual (i.e. communion or prayer) but don't draw attention to yourself.

Good luck

magneticimpulse

Yes I do think you should go if you have been invited. This is your nephews day and not your day. Your nephew will have his time to form his own beliefs when he is older. If he wants to stay Catholic or not,it is for him and only him to decide.

By you attending does not mean you agree with the Church etc, but it means you support your nephew. You respect that he is going through with the confirmation.

I for example have gone to Hindu weddings. I did not turn them down because i am a non practising catholic and not of the Hindu religion. Of course I went along to my friends Hindu Weddings. I sat there in the cermony. I didnt know what was happening and it was a whole new experience for me. Nobody enforced their beliefs on me, nor did i enforce my beliefs on them. It was a wonderful gathering of people, with everybody respecting each other.

Im also a vegetarian, and i do not believe in eating animals, however I dont boycott all meat eaters or impose my beliefs upon them. If they ask why i dont eat meat, i will tell them. But thats usually as far as it goes.

I think people should be open to each other regardless of beliefs. Thats the most important thing in life. Its just a day at the end of the day and thats not going to hurt you. Neither is it going to impose or change your own beliefs. I think you should go to show you support and respect your nephew...it is a humble way to be. No matter what religion I think the one of humanity and respecting each other is the most important to act upon.

Esel

Unless you're really a tight git, go with the flow.

wylo

If you're truly an atheist then you'll know that the meaning of the occasion is all nonsense. But you'll also know that happiness is the most important thing in life, not believing in God, for the sake of your nephew and his parents stop being awkward. Let them have a good time without stressing about that kind of nonsense.
Im an atheist , but im going to still have my kids baptised.Why? Because all it is just some old fella pouring a bit of water over a kids head when hes a few months old, because thats all I believe it is. But if thats all it takes so that my kids can fit in with their friends, go to communion/confirmation/get loads of money , have loads of fun with a party, wear cool clothes, then im too happy to sign them up. My parents got me baptised and im glad they did cause i got to do all that stuff, they dont care that I dont believe, i dont think they even believe themselves to be honest.
Do you see my point though? Forget about religion, the church is dying away in Ireland anyway so I wouldnt worry about feeling like your supporting it.
Your problem is that you are respecting the roman catholic following too much, if you really truly honestly believed that it was a load of bollox then you wouldnt have a problem attending because the only thing you'd care about is your nephews happiness.

If someone invited me to a free party with free drink ,free food, loads of beautiful women, great famous bands playing there, im talking the perfect party, but all id to do with sign some statement on the way in saying that i believed in a flying spaghetti monster , would I sign it? Hell yea!!!

Edgedinblue

I'd say dont go to the church bit if youre not into it. everyone should realise that its a bloody long thing to sit through anyway, tell your family youll meet them at the house or wherever the party is.

youre an adult,you dont need to give an excuse because you wont be there. throw €20/€30 in an envelope and thats it. nothing will be mentioned about the church after the first half hour of the party anyway. so you can just sit back have a few cans and a bit of food and go home early.

txt_mess

I have no interest in the Catholic church ( or any other ) but I have always gone along to events like this weddings , funerals , christenings etc out of respect for the person who has invited me they haven't asked me to believe in anything or sign up just share in something that is/was special to them

You don't have to believe in something to respect anothers person's view and it's an important event for them which is what they are looking to share not to convert you.

I'd go.

Storminateacup

He is not your child - it doesnt matter whether you agree or don't want him to be confirmed.
Its gonna be his day out. You either want to be part of that or you dont. Thats the decision thats up to you, and youre the only person who can answer it.

LegacyUser

Your nephew is 12 I'm guessing - talk to him about it.

Seriously. Just tell him that you don't agree with it and take him out for a day a couple of weeks after.

He'll be happy with a day out - sure at twelve he'll neither understand what he's signing up to nor what you'll be on about .

I admire anyone who stands up for their principles even if it means missing a family gathering / putting other people out - I could have gone to mass again this year but decided that my principles were important to me - I couldn't support the organisation. No one batted an eyelid.

Maybe if more people stood up for their principles and raised kids to be independent thinkers and not mind being a bit different, the country might be a bit more grown up about things.

tenchi-fan

ozzoozzoozow wrote: »

Your nephew is 12 I'm guessing - talk to him about it.

???

Freddie59

AnonoBoy wrote: »

As everyone above has said - it's a family event. If you don't go people won't say 'Ah yes, obviously they don't agree with the Catholic faith', they'll say, 'How selfish of him/her not to come to their nephew's confirmation.'

You don't have to go up and receive communion or swear an allegiance to God or anything like that. Just go along and sit there, sing fecking showtunes in your head to pass the time if you need to.

Family is more important sometimes.

True. I'm a Catholic and if a friend or family member had a genuine problem with it I would honour their wishes. I'd probably blow off a bit of steam TBH, but it wouldn't last long:D. Do whatever you feel comfortable with - but be cognisant of the child also.