One day at a time

no one special

I found out Im pregant , after taking the morning after pill.Its baby no 4.Im 5 weeks .
My husband is STRANGE about it.He just said, one day at a time, I dont even want to think about it.I feel like a gob si*t , we where finished, now we are starting again.Im 38, he is 40.

He says he will be here for me and will support me, but I cant expect him to be happy.I dont really know what I was expecting.To be honest we normally use condoms mid month , I got my dates wrong , we didnt use them , so its sort of my fault.He said, no, he should have been more careful.We are both blaming ourselves, not each other , which is good.

I know he doesnt want any more kids. I am sort of glad to be having one , but terrified at the same time.His eyes where watering up last night when we spoke.I love him, and I know he will be there , but I think its putting a wedge between us, like if he thinks about it , he will explode.We are financially ok, he hates his job but is there 20 years.
Can some one tell me, is what we are feeling normal.Is he..well the calm before the storm. I know he will love the child, as to be honest he wasnt over the moon the last time I had a baby but loves her to bits now.

Thaks, its just great to be able to talk about it.We cant really talk about it to anyone as it makes it REAL.

LegacyUser

no one special wrote: »

He says he will be here for me and will support me, but I cant expect him to be happy.I dont really know what I was expecting.To be honest we normally use condoms mid month , I got my dates wrong , we didnt use them , so its sort of my fault.He said, no, he should have been more careful.We are both blaming ourselves, not each other , which is good.

I think you're reading into things that aren't there. Your husband has said that he will support you, and if I were you, I'd take him at face value.

It is good that you're not blaming each other, as you've pointed out. I'm guessing you're together maybe ten years (or longer)? You already have three children too. So I'm sure the two of you have met ups and downs before and overcame them. The same is going to happen now.

Your husband is giving you fantastic support at this time, and he's obviously a man who took his marriage vows seriously. Believe him when he says he'll be there for you.

All the best

LegacyUser

first of all, congrats! and look, full disclosure up front here, i don't have kids. but i am human, and i kind of sense from your post that he's probably just a bit panicked, that's all. he's probably just in shock. we all like to plan things out in our head, to make us feel more secure abut where we are in the present. and if more kids wasn't in ye're plan then it's natural for him to be feeling a bit off kilter for a while. he'll come round.

and please don't think of yourself as a gobs*ite, or blame yourselves. accidents happen, and there's no point in beating yerselves up over who thinks they did what. blame, no matter who's doing it, is not an emotion or feeling that you need hanging round the house once the baby arrives. there's a ten year gap between myself and my next sibling, I was that accident. But becuase my parents didn't really come to terms with my 'timing' so to speak, i think they put their own mixed up feelings before me, don't be those people. you both need to focus on preparing for the new arrival, and keeping the lines of communication open between ye.

talk talk talk talk talk. and really, it's not as if ye're not that old, my dad was nearly 40 before he even got married, and my mate didn't start having kids till she was 42. ye'll be fine. best of luck op. xx

Neyite

You both need to talk. He obviously loves his kids, but I wonder if he is worried about the finances of another pregnancy - Last months paycheck for everybody in this country was horrible, and some are seriously worried about making ends meet. And it also means that he is further trapped in the job he hates. You feel you cant risk your income when you have another mouth to feed. Maybe he was hoping once the kids were a bit older he could move on to a job that gives him less stress and that he could be happy in, and now you are back at square one. Again.

Your contraceptive methods were nowhere near foolproof, in fact using condoms only partially seems haphazard.

When I was getting broody, I unintentionally got seriously forgetful with my pill. Then, I would have to remind him to use a condom. As he was broody too, he didnt always get to put one on as he got 'carried away' . we both realised that we were fooling no-one and we both agreed to start trying for a baby. The key was that both of us were involved in our decision to be irresponsible.

A couple who absolutely do not want to add to their family will do more than use condoms part time. They will use a good method, or a couple of different ones combined, especially since your last baby seems to have been concieved without him on board with it, like this one.

It makes me wonder if you secretly wanted another baby, and if you subconciosly got your dates wrong knowing that he would be grand once the baby is born. After all, as you say, the last time this happened he was fine once the baby was born. But it does take two to tango, and if he really didnt want another child he should have insisted on better contraception in the last few years.

Maybe he is thinking that one surprise baby can be chalked down to a genuine miscalculation by you of your dates, but for it to happen a second time - he might be disbelieving of your explanation, and feels that he was wrong to trust you with the contraception. Maybe this is what you need to repair - the trust in your relationship.

I do wish you all the best in your relationship and in the decisions both of you make with regard to this pregnancy.

no one special

Thanks for the replies.I think deepppp down , maybe I would love another baby, but never to the point that I risk upsetting my husband.As soon as I realised the dates I got the morning after pill, I took it before the 24 hours.But I think I knew it didnt work.
He is a great husband, but I find him , sitting quietly looking into space.
It will take a while to get used to.We are together about 18 years.

So what now, I dont know ,if I dont mention it, hes fine.That said, I asked him if he wanted to go out..no was the answer, get a DVD, again, no.So hes being a bit moody with me, I suppose I understand, it took me about 3 days before I even told him, as I didnt want our friendship to end,I knew our relationship would survive but , hes my friend.I know hes hurting, there is nothing I can do for him. I did have a MisCarrige about 16 months ago, and that really did nearly distroy us, more because of the way he behaves. He was so delighted and over the moon when I lost the baby.I was only 5 weeks, I think thats why I am half afraid to be happy. When I first told him ,He was holding his breath , hoping it would happen again.I got the all clear from the GP and thats when his face dropped and he realised it was happening.

My plan, is to tell no one, the longer its kept quiet the less real it is and noone will talk to him or I about it. I was REALLY sick on the first two.I nearly died ,Im sure thats on his mind. I am 5 weeks and have been to the doctors already, tests in hospital and am back to the GP next wednesday.I feel like screaming, I am struggling to make sure he is happy/ok/chilled and to be honest.Im scared,sad, afraid.Its like that add for depression, on the TV, where he removed his face.thats me.I cant talk to anyone about it, just here. Thanks so much for being here and allowing me to BREATH.

Neyite

Poor you. Its horrible to suffer a miscarriage, and even worse when his delight over the previous pregnancy ending in one is apparent - how insensitive - and compounded is the fact that he was hoping you suffer another??? WTF?

Like I said earlier, it takes two to tango, and you both chose a contraceptive method that was a bit unreliable, I think for him to be ok with taking chances when having sex, yet then when it backfires hoping for you to go through the trauma of a misscarraige and lose the pregnancy is disgusting behaviour from him. If he really didnt want more kids there was nothing to stop him getting a vasectomy, was there?

You need to stop worrying about him now. Stop struggling for him. He is a big boy now and can deal with it himself. You are only stressing and thats not good for you. What is done is done, and it sounds like he is putting a big guilt trip on you by moping around the house instead of talking to you. If I were you, the next time he declines to go out with you, call a friend instead and leave him minding the kids. If he does not want to get a DVD, you get what you want. Ignore the sulking - if he wants to be an adult and talk to you he can. Sulking is for children.

You should not be tip-toeing around pretending its not real just because of his reaction. Do the usual wait until 10 weeks and then tell your family and friends. You are making the best of the situation, so its ok for you to be happy, to want your baby to be healthy, and wish for a happy and safe pregnancy.

no one special

well, we went out last night, we had time to talk a little about t.He seems tohave calmed down a bit.I think, it is scary for him ,and for me ,but like neyite said.Im going to make the best of this situation.thanks so much for the advice and encouragement.
Im due Oct 22, but will be having a section so it will be before that.Ill keep yous posted of how things go.Thanks, if I could give each of you a hug ,I would.