Office b!tch has targeted me

LegacyUser

I got my almost ideal job last year and have been very happy up to about three weeks ago. All of a sudden one of the girls in the office (who I rarely talk to) turned on me and has been constantly on my back about my private life. Like she found out she knows my ex's sister and is always asking me if we're getting back together, or if he was good in bed etc. We broke up probably 10 or 11 years ago, I don't know if he's even dead or alive, nor care!

I can't go to my boss over this as she's been off work since before Christmas after having a miscarriage and her father died shortly after. We have no idea when she'll be back. To make it worse this girl is her niece there's only 10 of us there so no HR or anything. Other people at work haven't said anything when she's been horrible to me, but have told me in private that she's been horrible to nearly everyone else too.

What can I say to her? What can I do? I dread going to work in the mornings, and often am on the verge of tears at work.

mood

Is that the worst she has said to you? If it is isn't not that bad, inappropriate yes but I've heard a lot worse. Just tell her in front of others you would prefer not to be questioned about you personal life or roll your eyes etc.

James400

mood wrote: »

Is that the worst she has said to you? If it is isn't not that bad, inappropriate yes but I've heard a lot worse. Just tell her in front of others you would prefer not to be questioned about you personal life or roll your eyes etc.

Well this is obviously affecting the OP.

First off i'd approach somebody who would be considered to be the next in line in command at your workplace and have a quiet word with them in private and point out that this girl is making life difficult/ arkward/ uncomfortable for you.

In 2011 nobody should be putting up with this nonsense from anybody, also what right does this other girl have to even mention anything to you about your private life? In the majority of workplaces people have the right to keep information about their private lives to themselves.

OP, it does seem to me that this is a form of bullying to me. I can only think that this other girl has an issue with you for some reason/ or is jealous of you for some reason? Maybe you are better looking or have a better personality than she does!

Ever hear that saying 'empty vessels make most noise'?

Seriously, your job has to have a charter about this type of thing, surely there is somebody you can approach?

John400

James400 wrote: »

In 2011 nobody should be putting up with this nonsense from anybody, also what right does this other girl have to even mention anything to you about your private life? In the majority of workplaces people have the right to keep information about their private lives to themselves.

100% correct.

What right does anybody have at work have to question you about your private life?..and in front of other colleagues?? It's completely out of order in my view.

mood

John400 wrote: »

100% correct.

What right does anybody have at work have to question you about your private life?..and in front of other colleagues?? It's completely out of order in my view.

Therefore the OP should say something like 'God, that's a very private question. A guard wouldn't ask me that'. If she can't/won't get the hint then think about saying something to the boss.

LegacyUser

OP here:

I have rolled my eyes at her and either ignored her or said things like "I don't kiss and tell'' or just "drop it, it's not your business" but she will not stop! She's always made cruel comments to everyone in the office but generally left me alone as I never responded, but now she's completely focused on me for the last 3 weeks and she knows it's getting to me. I am dreading Monday morning

She's generally cruel to people about things like their hair, weight, clothes, even what they're eating for lunch, but this is getting really personal with me and she can see I am miserable over it She even asked me if my husband knew about my ex, was my husband as rich as him etc.

King of Kings

mood wrote: »

Is that the worst she has said to you? If it is isn't not that bad, inappropriate yes but I've heard a lot worse. Just tell her in front of others you would prefer not to be questioned about you personal life or roll your eyes etc.

i agree - if that's all she's said I don't think you can claim she is targeting you.

Fair enough her questions/comments are upsetting you but can you 100% say they're designed too. You don't elaborate if that's the extent of her comments?

She may be just nosey? Or a busybody.

It's prob best to tell her that her comments are inappropriate. Althoyugh my asking you about your private life she may be trying to be pally with you albeit in a hamfisted way.

Zen65

hategoingtowork wrote: »

Like she found out she knows my ex's sister and is always asking me if we're getting back together, or if he was good in bed etc.

Op,

I wonder if you have explained yourself properly here? In your post you only mention two questions that this girl has ever asked you (1) are you getting back together with this ex?, and (2) was he any good in bed?

But in your post you say that she's "constantly", "always" asking these questions. Surely she is not just repeating the questions over and over? Anybody who would do so is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

(Incidentally have you considered that she may have also dated or considered dating this guy and is just getting a second opinion about him?)

I'm inclined to think from your post that you are very sensitive to being asked any personal questions by this person (or maybe people in general?) - is it because she knows your ex's sister, and deep down what you really fear is that she knows something about you that you don't want her to discuss?

I believe the issue may be far larger in your head than it is in reality. In all probability this girl knows very little about you. You should be able to settle the matter by simply being polite to her, and if she asks about this ex and you again, simply reply (politely) that you consider that to have been a chapter in your life that's closed and that you prefer not to discuss it. There's no need to be nasty about it, nor upset about it. Many people prefer not to discuss old relationships, and most people understand that when they're told.


Be at peace,

Z

Firetrap

If there is nobody in work who can have a word with her, don't give her any informative answers or let her think she's getting to you. I wouldn't bother with the eye rolling but give her unsatisfactory answers each time she asks or better still, turn the questions back on her. So if she asks about the ex's prowess in bed, ask her is she thinking of taking him for a test drive herself. That sort of thing. Or if she asks about your husband's money again, ask her what she thinks? Hopefully she will soon tire of being put on the spot like that.

James400

King of Kings wrote: »

i agree - if that's all she's said I don't think you can claim she is targeting you.

The other girl has been commenting about the OP's private life while refering to the OP's previous sex life so the OP isn't being targeted??

There is something quite obviously wrong here, the OP has said it herself that she's dreading going into work on Monday, quite frankly that's wrong.

It's hard enough trying to hold down a job these days without verbal nonsense from colleagues about you as an individual during the day.

King of Kings

James400 wrote: »

The other girl has been commenting about the OP's private life while refering to the OP's previous sex life so the OP isn't being targeted??

It might be just banter - inapproprate if you see it that way, but at the same time the offender might not be aware she is upsetting the OP.
In my job we talk all sorts of smut - men and women.

James400 wrote: »

The
There is something quite obviously wrong here, the OP has said it herself that she's dreading going into work on Monday, quite frankly that's wrong.

I 100% agree but my point is that it may not be intentional

James400 wrote: »

It's hard enough trying to hold down a job these days

Do you know this as fact? How hard is it to hold down a job?

whatdoicare

Best thing to do is turn it back on her, when she asks something about him just say "Why? Do you like him or something?" Start laughing as you say this. Say that to any question she asks about the ex-start making fun of her every time she asks about him- make kissy faces and start saying "OooooOOOoooo someone has a cruuuuush!!" "I'll go call him now for you, tell him aaallll about you asking questions about him- he'll be delighted!"
Make sure you do this in front of lots of people. She'll get the idea after a while that you are making a fool of her.


Well, it worked for me anyways...it was a fella and he drove me mad, so I made fun of him everytime he came near me! Put an end to it all fair quick, believe me!

dellas1979

I would do exactly what whatdoicare said.

Its non confrontational, turns it back on her, and if she complains, she brought it up.

tinkerbell

Turn all her questions back on her. And if she keeps badgering you, tell her you'd appreciate it if she went back to her desk as you have work to be doing and don't have time to be talking about silly pointless gossip.

John400

King of Kings wrote: »

It might be just banter - inapproprate if you see it that way, but at the same time the offender might not be aware she is upsetting the OP.

Are you seriously suggesting that this girl being suggestive towards the OP by asking her how good her ex-boyfriend was in bed (in front of other colleagues) is what could be described as 'banter'?

It's offensive.

King of Kings

John400 wrote: »

Are you seriously suggesting that this girl being suggestive towards the OP by asking her how good her ex-boyfriend was in bed (in front of other colleagues) is what could be described as 'banter'?

It's offensive.

Yes that's exactly what I'm suggesting.
Personally I don't find such comments offensive to me.

But if you read my earlier posts - I have agreed the OP may be offended by it but that the "offender" mightnt realise it.
It's not that hard of a concept to grasp.

James400

King of Kings wrote: »

But if you read my earlier posts - I have agreed the OP may be offended by it but that the "offender" mightnt realise it.

This other girl/ 'offender' decides to make comments about the OP's previous sex life in front of other work colleagues and feels that she's quite entitled to do so and that she's not offending the OP?

How can anybody doing that in any workplace feel that it's fine to do that?

Do you think that any work colleague, male or female, would be chuffed to hear that from another work colleague in front of others when they return back to work tomorrow morning?

Firetrap

One person's idea of banter doesn't always agree with another person's but this woman's behaviour is unacceptable. Perhaps some people don't mind being asked personal questions about their sex lives on the office floor but I would think the majority of people wouldn't like it one bit.

Because this woman is the boss's niece, she probably feels she can go around behaving like this. It's an awkward situation. As has been suggested by a few of us, all the OP can do really is turn the questions back on her. It's a non-confrontational thing to do so she can't exactly go crying back to auntie. I have an acquaintance who is one of those people who can't stop asking questions but is less eager to answer them. The only way to handle her is to either turn the questions back on her or give a non-committal answer and ask her one instead. It's almost funny to see her squirm.

John400

Firetrap wrote: »

Because this woman is the boss's niece, she probably feels she can go around behaving like this.

Regardless of the supposed status of this woman, she just shouldn't be saying it/ going there as it's the OP's personal life. End of story.

Also i don't really buy the 'it's a bit of banter' argument. People are almost attempting to justify it.

James400

John400 wrote: »

Regardless of the supposed status of this woman, she just shouldn't be saying it/ going there as it's the OP's personal life. End of story.

Also i don't really buy the 'it's a bit of banter' argument. People are almost attempting to justify it.

100% correct.

GoldRush4821

Can't you make a comment back? Expose a weakness. This woman is clearly extremely insecure. I don't want to encourage anything that would exacerbate your situation, but **** it. She must have something that you can pick out, something which you might at first mention non threateningly as if only joking. Try to stand up for yourself. . Perhaps she herself is single? Why don't you flip it around on her, ask her how her personal life is going? See how she likes it. If she doesn't back off, I wouldn't push it because it can get ugly from there. Failing this, I really can't offer any constructive advice. Hope it works out tho, no one should be allowed make another person this upset in a working environment.

mood

If OP never answers her question she will finally stop asking questions.

Maybe all the staff should put in a complaint to the boss about her behaviour.