Girl in love with best friend but confused!

Heroes or ghosts

Hi Guys!!

This is my first post so be kind, i'm a big fan of boards and the banter that comes with advice that in my case is badly needed.

I'm a female, 28 with enough common sense to know better but it seems i've fallen in love with my best friend. He's the closest person to me although I have hard time explaining that to him due to my stubbornness with letting people know i need them. He's the best man i've ever met, always known this but in the last year my feelings for him have gone out of control despite me fighting them. I don't want to fancy him so much because if i lost him i'd be devastated. He means the world to me.

Anyways, we're friends for eight years, BUT i went out with a mutual friend of ours for 6 months bout 7 years ago and then got back with him bout four years ago for a summer fling. It sounds shallow but that's why i can admit it on an internet forum- I didn't think much of myself and it just happened even though it really wasn't what i wanted just all i thought i deserved. My Ex wasn't very nice- not mean or anything just made me feel used and cheap i guess.

The ex, to me isn't the point- i know i didn't have feelings for him and the fact that i knew i'd never fall in love with him was part of the draw- i didn't want the commitment issues. To be honest i never think of him even though it was he who ended it (a day before i was going to...grr) but i think my friend thinks it was more than it was- he's a romantic!

What i want to know is whether any of you gentlemen have ever woken up one day and realised that you really care about a girl who you've been close to for ages and whether the fact that she'd gone out with a friend of yours years ago would matter?

PandyAndy

Heroes or ghosts wrote: »

Hi Guys!!

This is my first post so be kind, i'm a big fan of boards and the banter that comes with advice that in my case is badly needed.

I'm a female, 28 with enough common sense to know better but it seems i've fallen in love with my best friend. He's the closest person to me although I have hard time explaining that to him due to my stubbornness with letting people know i need them. He's the best man i've ever met, always known this but in the last year my feelings for him have gone out of control despite me fighting them. I don't want to fancy him so much because if i lost him i'd be devastated. He means the world to me.

Anyways, we're friends for eight years, BUT i went out with a mutual friend of ours for 6 months bout 7 years ago and then got back with him bout four years ago for a summer fling. It sounds shallow but that's why i can admit it on an internet forum- I didn't think much of myself and it just happened even though it really wasn't what i wanted just all i thought i deserved. My Ex wasn't very nice- not mean or anything just made me feel used and cheap i guess.

The ex, to me isn't the point- i know i didn't have feelings for him and the fact that i knew i'd never fall in love with him was part of the draw- i didn't want the commitment issues. To be honest i never think of him even though it was he who ended it (a day before i was going to...grr) but i think my friend thinks it was more than it was- he's a romantic!

What i want to know is whether any of you gentlemen have ever woken up one day and realised that you really care about a girl who you've been close to for ages and whether the fact that she'd gone out with a friend of yours years ago would matter?

No, unfortunately, and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if she went out with a friend of mine years ago. You should ask your friend out.

magneticimpulse

I think the mods will bring this up as an RI as oppose to tGC.

Anyway I dont think a guy would go that long without saying something. Maybe im still naive but i think guys and girls can just be friends and if your friend has not indicated to you he fancies the pants off you, i wouldnt do anything about it. Its difficult. I think if its your friend, it wont matter if you did happen to mention that you fancy him. If he didnt feel the same it could be awkward afterwards. Since you are friends, you are likely to remain friends....

Its very borderline...i have lots of guys friends and people always comment that the guy fancies me. So I think even if your friend has never made a move, other people can prob see its obvious he likes you. It's all about timing too. I know in my case, friends have made a move, but at that stage we had moved away from each other, so there was no point in going ahead with responding to the move. I think people do consider it. But in general i think its awkward if it doest work out.

Even if you make a move and dont get together, and do stay friends, theres always the time when one of you gets a new partner...if you have the new partner you hope it doesnt upset them. If they have the new partner, your thinking, god why are they acting strange, its not even a big deal and im happy they are happy...

Definitely staying friends route would be my personal preference. But as they say, better to have love and lost then to have never loved at all.

(BTW your ex doesnt even come into the equation)

Heroes or ghosts

Thanks PandyAndy and magneticimpulse! I think i agree with magneticimpulse though, if it was going to happen it probably would have, no hollywood script here:o

I think a lot of my unsureness ( not a proper word but hey!) has to do with the fact that over the last year we have gotten a lot closer, my best girl friend thought we were secretly going out for a bit just because we are so close. We have slept in the same bed a few times(i live in town and he doesn't so he crashes with me but we stay in the same bed even when there's another available) and he seriously cuddles me which i obviously love but being realistic i assume he's just sleepily responding to the fact that i'm a girl.

I've grown up a good deal in the past few years due to bereavement and a good personal shake down and have realised too late that all i want is not so much in front of me but beside me. Bittersweet doesn't come close.

needbeer

Eh, if he's sharing a bed with you and being all cuddly, I doubt he thinks of you as just a friend.

I wouldn't have a problem going out with a girl who was with my mate 7 years ago.

Just let him know how you feel, then take it from there.

Heroes or ghosts

Thanks needbear but is it a situation you've ever been in? And there's no tone in that question, just curiosity? It seems so easy to say just tell him and take it from there but i guess i don't have a clue how to put myself out there and possibly more importantly how to take the high road if he doesn't respond well?

I guess i've come to the conclusion that while he might fancy me a bit- hence the cuddling and flirting, it's not enough of an attraction to bit the bullet and take it further. At the moment it's not enough for me to risk our friendship so maybe it's the same for him. I think. :rolleyes:

CDfm

Did something happen to bring this on.

What are your respective recent relationship statuses.

I mean is this a rebound issue ?

An issue of dating "friends" is that you may know too much about each other.

magneticimpulse

If he's cuddling you...he is totally into you.

You asked if its a situation someone has ever been in?

Yep ive shared a bed with 5 guys friends without having sex:

1. turned out to be gay
2. cuddled all night, he lived in another country and wanted me to move there, buy a house and marry him (after a night of cuddling)
3. was a guy friend visiting and maybe something could have happened, but it was nice doing friend stuff
4. long term friend, shared bed numerous occassions on various holidays together...nothing has happened prob on my part
5. shared bed about 3 times. the 2nd time, i didnt sleep all night, i dont think he slept either (both sleeping either edge of bed)...2 weeks later he said he should have made move but i had just found a boyfriend.
Last time we were very drunk, and he was wanting to cuddle, but I had just broken up with ex and was last thing on my mind.
6. (never shared bed, but went on close holiday) Really really nice guy friend, he had told me he fancied me in past...then we had holiday together...some friends said i should have made a move since he invited just me alone on holiday. So i said well since we get on together maybe we should go out....i didnt really find a physical attraction to him, but i thought maybe thats just because i normally have gone out with the wrong guys in the past and should consider going out with a friend instead. He must have met someone at that stage as he went all funny (later i found out he had met someone at that time). Now he very happy with a girlfriend and im happy he met her as he is a super guy.

All in all i think from guy2...yep he wanted to get married after and guy 5...with the cuddling, yeah that was a friend who i think did want to be more then friends. Well yeah he did want more...a few late night drunken IM conversations on the internet after had him discussing lots of things which friends dont do.

So yes your friend seems to like you too(in a round about womans answers). Go for it

needbeer

Yes, I've been in your friend's situation, it didn't end well, but don't let that stop you.

Chances are he feels the same you know, not doing anything about it because he doesn't want to risk the friendship. Invite him over to the house for a glass of wine, put on the fire and tell him you like him a bit more than as just a friend.

You've got to take some chances in life.

Heroes or ghosts

CDfm this has been building over the past year i suppose- friends with a flirty underlying layer for the past 8 years but definitely closer over the past year. We have both been single for quite a while i assume- he stopped talking bout girls a while ago and he never really wanted to hear about guys i was with- always been protective that way.

I probably should grow a pair and just put it out there. We've a pretty strong friendship- i could tell him anything so after an initial awkardness i would hope we'd get over any unrequited feelings...unless he does feel somewhat the same in which case i'll be over the moon. Always thought you should be best friends with your partner. Such a shiny-eyed girl

Heroes or ghosts

needbeer wrote: »

Yes, I've been in your friend's situation, it didn't end well, but don't let that stop you.

Chances are he feels the same you know, not doing anything about it because he doesn't want to risk the friendship. Invite him over to the house for a glass of wine, put on the fire and tell him you like him a bit more than as just a friend.

You've got to take some chances in life.

Sounds like a plan!! A quiet life is a life not quite lived i reckon!;)

lab man

I couldnt agree more with needbeer. ask him over see how it goes, i didnt, was half afraid if things didnt work out and am regretting it now. best of luck it'll be fine i'd say,

magneticimpulse

It's all a matter of timing. Your evening with wine sounds great. Will there be any events coming up like weddings or weekends away? I know with my friend we were away at a wedding and drinking alot that night. Funny as we hadnt really spoken to each other that night. Then he made sure I found my hotel room. I went to the bathroom and when i came out he was already in my bed....if i was going to "plan" something like that...my friend did it perfectly.

He must have been gutted when i didnt respond and passed out on the bed...but we hung out the next day, went for breakfast and dinner and watched princess mononoke cuddled up on the sofa. We still flirt now and again on the internet.

So even if it doesnt go exactly to plan in your case...it can always still turn out fine.

Definitely go for it, you'll never know if you dont try.

muireann50

Kinda was in the same situation about 5/6 years ago, moved into a house and became best friends with a guy who was living there. We just clicked straight away. After about a year I realised that as well as being my best friend i also fancied the pants off him. We had a really flirty thing going and everyone thought it was meant to be, all the other girls in the house kept telling me to go for it because it seemed obvious that he was into me too. So i plucked up the courage to tell him how i felt about him and i could tell from his face straight away that he didnt feel the same way. It was awkward for me for a few days (and i still cringe about it sometimes lol) and i didnt really get over him for about 6 months after. But we are still best friends and nothing got ruined. I'd say go for it, if you've been friends for that long something like this shouldnt ruin anything and you'll always wonder what could have happened if you don't at least find out how he feels.
Best of luck!

CDfm

Heroes or ghosts wrote: »

CDfm this has been building over the past year i suppose- friends with a flirty underlying layer for the past 8 years but definitely closer over the past year. We have both been single for quite a while i assume- he stopped talking bout girls a while ago and he never really wanted to hear about guys i was with- always been protective that way.

If I was into someone hearing about their relationships was a turn off.

So thats a good omen.

I probably should grow a pair and just put it out there. We've a pretty strong friendship- i could tell him anything so after an initial awkardness i would hope we'd get over any unrequited feelings...unless he does feel somewhat the same in which case i'll be over the moon.

Less of the growing a pair.:)

Why don't you try something like either cook something simple like spaghetti or order in a chinese but put some candles on the table. And have a cake.

Dress up a little datey like and see.

The problem with bareing your soul is fear of rejection and feeling stupid afterwards.

So if he does flirt ask him something simple like is it turning into a date.

Take into account that people cant read your mind and what is obvious to you is not obvious to him.

I actually was not the most tactful myself and absolutely terrible at reading signals. You would have needed neon flashing lights for me to take a hint.

You need to allow yourself to take a bit of a risk but on your terms.

sam34

moved from tgc

Taltos

CDfm wrote: »

Why don't you try something like either cook something simple like spaghetti or order in a chinese but put some candles on the table. And have a cake.
.....
So if he does flirt ask him something simple like is it turning into a date.
....
I actually was not the most tactful myself and absolutely terrible at reading signals. You would have needed neon flashing lights for me to take a hint.

Agreed with all the above - especially these 3 points.
OP - nothing ventured nothing gained. Yes it might effect your friendship if he doesn't feel the same but I would rather know.

In terms of similar - yes - I was great friends with a girl a few yrs ago - friendship was around 4 yrs - both had seen the other go out with other people. Like you we gravitated close together - you know the usual - slagging, best mates kind of thing. One night at a party I realized I was really attracted to her and we both flirted a bit but held back, like you all our mates were sure there was something going on there...
Rang her a week later and asked her out - she told me after that I had almost waited too long and that like me she was afraid of losing our friendship. Been together a looonnnnggggg time now Never regretted it.

I know it does not always work out - but sometimes it does. Try the jokey comment and see how he reacts - badly just laugh and pass it off as a joke - but hopefully....

kerryman12

Heroes or ghosts wrote: »

What i want to know is whether any of you gentlemen have ever woken up one day and realised that you really care about a girl who you've been close to for ages and whether the fact that she'd gone out with a friend of yours years ago would matter?

Hi OP

Yes is the short answer, I wont bore you with the details.

Based on your posts I would be willing to bet he probably feels the same as you. I think you should do something, sooner rather than later - next thing you know he will be telling you about someone he met and then all of the what if's will start. Me being me I would sit him down tell him how you have feel and promply ask him out, then give him some time to think about it.

I hope it works out for you, best of luck

cantdecide

The 'don't tell me about your love interests' actually sounds like a hint to me. I think you might be pushing an open door, OP. Go get him.

Just don't go out on the piss and try it on. Don't get down on your knees and declare your undying affections to him.

As suggested, go around on a false pretence (I'm a big fan of false pretences!), sit him down and tell him you think that you've developed feelings for him and you think that you two could be really great together. You need some sort of escape plan, too.

Good luck.

blue5000

Hi OP,

if you don't take a chance you'll always be kicking yourself. Go for it, try the bottle of wine or cooking together and see how it goes. Good luck and hope it works out well for you both.;)