How could a mother be jealous of her child?

LegacyUser

My father beat my mother and cheated on her for years. She reared us on her own, never got a penny off him, she would bend over backwards for her kids. she always put us before herself, always made sure we were well dressed, fed etc never spent money on herself, she struggled but got there and people always praised her on what a great job she done, even years later my father told her he was sorry for everything and she should be very proud of the great adults we turned into.

when i was a teenager she’d tell me she wants the best for me and that she hoped i'd never end up marrying someone like my father, i always promised her i wouldnt.

now im in my mid-twenties, after getting married to a wonderful guy, bought a house and have a comfortable life and i'm very happy. im good to my mother, i buy her flowers now and again and chocolates, and always phone her and visit her.

what annoys me though is she seems to be jealous of me since i got married and bought my house. she is always putting me down, and criticizing me. if i call over to her house she tells me my hair is out of place, or my clothes are awful , or i look tired. So as a result, i start getting dressed up and wearing makeup and doing my hair , just so she has nothing to say. I’d never dream of passing remarks on hers on anyones appearance.

when she calls over to my house it's straight into the kitchen and stays there till she's leaving, if i say 'oh come upstairs and ill show you the new curtains i bought, new bed or whatever' she'd show no interest and say 'ah ill see it again' like its no big deal.
she gave me money for my birthday and i bought a beautiful picture for my living room, when she came over, i said oh did you see the lovely picture in the sitting room i bought out of the money you gave me. she went in, only, after me mentioning it 3 times, and she came back into the kitchen with no expression on her face. i said 'well , isnt the picture gorgeous' she said 'what picture', and then said 'oh yeah'. When I know she's calling over, i do a spring-clean....out with the hoover, put things away, make the place spotless, so she wont have anything to remark on. My husband does say to me, why do you always go mad cleaning when your mam is calling over, but you don’t when friends or my parents are calling over, and I do say ‘ah you know what my mam is like’.

If I say anything to her like, just say ‘Im buying a new car, got promotion in my job, got a modeling contract’ (anything good), she wouldn’t say ‘oh that’s great news’. She’d kinda be like ‘Hum really, so emm any news’. It actually upsets me, you’d imagine she would be really happy for me as she did say years ago, she wants whats best for me etc even a week before xmas I told her my hubby was after booking me in to go on a hot air balloon, and all she said was ‘that’s silly isn’t it, could he not wait till xmas to tell you’ and then she changed the subject.
for valentines she asked what OH got me, i said a bouquet of roses, a necklace and he brought me out for dinner, and her reply was 'ah right, hum ,so are you in work tomorrow.

why is she being like this with me?

Milky Moo

You are right she is jealous, but in all fairness give the lady a break.

You just pointed out how dreadful life was for her and from what you wrote it seems your life is pretty spectacular, maybe if you sit her down and say
'mom when you criticise me it hurts I would like you to stop'
I am sure she would reassess how she reacts with you.

I am sure with her past hearing about how you get hot air ballon rides and expensive necklaces makes her feel bad because she never had that. She may be your mother but she is human, and I am sure this is hard for her!

LegacyUser

It's pretty obvious that it has now hit home to her how good life can be and what she has missed out on for the last 20-30 years and will never have.

Maybe you could try not always going on about how great everything is for you, 'got a new car', 'got a promotion', 'come look at this stuff i bought', 'husband bought me a hot air balloon trip'. What exactly do you want her to say when you keep going on about how brilliant your life is while hers is crap? Have some tact in future, you don't have to constantly rub it in the face of someone who is much less fortunate than you and who sacrificed alot to give you the best life she could.

LegacyUser

thanks milkymoo for your reply,

we're not exactly raking in the money. we're just normal people with average paid jobs, like most other families. the hot air balloon is just a one off xmas treat and the necklace for Valeltines day was a newbridge silver...nothing expensive.

I cant talk to her about the way she is coming across because she would snap my head off and deny she is like that, and tell me i'm been stupid. She doesn't like criticism. she can be very snappy.

her father was like that. if you got the house done up, he would walk into your house and never pass a remark, even though its so noticable that all the walls are painted a different colour etc my mother used to say that about him 'you could paint your walls illuminouse pink and he wouldnt notice'. Yet she does it with me.

astra2000

Just wondering if she may be concerned that you are a bit obsessed with getting new things all the time, I am not saying this is the case but the examples you have given are all about what you have bought or been given, you may be coming across to her as materialistic.

MissFlitworth

suziebrown wrote: »

My father beat my mother and cheated on her for years. She reared us on her own, never got a penny off him, she would bend over backwards for her kids. she always put us before herself, always made sure we were well dressed, fed etc never spent money on herself, she struggled but got there and people always praised her on what a great job she done

God OP, it sounds like your Mam had a really, really hard time of it when she was bringing you guys up. How are things for her now? Is she financially ok and able to buy things for herself? Is she in a happy relationship? If your mam is struggling for money then she might find it really hard to be brought on a tour of the new things you bought yourself. I know it's nice to have you mam's approval for things but maybe just stop doing that for the moment, stop drawing her attention to all the nice things you have that she didn't. She's only human, it has to be a bit rough for her.

As for making remarks on you looking tired/scruffy etc. I'd be going down the route of saying something, gently, to her every time she does it, some people just fall into the habit of being super negative and it can be hard to snap out of. She might be your Mam but you aren't a child that she has to pretend that everythings ok and she's perfectly happy around. Maybe she does feel totally crap seeing the things you have that she could never have had herself. If it was my Mam I'd be working on making sure she had a few luxuries herself

Milky Moo

I can understand that you see yourselves as just a normal happy couple, but as you know your parents weren't, I doubt that there was much tenderness in that relationship.

You however seem to have a relationship that is healthy and happy you do things for each other because you two love each other and want to make each other happy. Your mother never had that, she is looking in on your relationship seeing the things she probably wanted for herself!

I know she is your mom and you want so desperately for her to share your happiness in these experiences, but as I said before she is human. She didn't have a life with a loving partner. I think she feels resentful, not because she doesn't want you to have these things, but she wishes that she could have had them herself!

boarddotie

You say you are good to your mother: 'i buy her flowers now and again and chocolates, and always phone her and visit her'. No offence OP, but thats not really being good to her considering how much she did for you and the siblings...

Being good to your mother after she sacraficed so much is buying her health insuance, making sure she is always stocked with oil/heating, helping with some bills without her knowing it. Just making sure that she lives a comfortable rest of life.

I dont want to sound like you have to spend thousands on her on fancy gifts, just more the practical side of things.

I wonder might it not be jealousy but more resentful of all you have and how little (I am just assuming here, please correct me if I am wrong) you are helping her with?

Walls

There is a possibility that she's just sad, just feeling low. You are all okay and you don't need her. That leaves her feeling sad.

What does your mother do to fill her time? Does she work?

Edit: have you thought about asking her about it? Not with any air of confrontation, but merely remark that she doesn't seem very pleased about 'X', is everything alright?

Distorted

Do you spend much time with your mother doing stuff? Like days out, not expensive or anything but just maybe going somewhere to do or see something? She sounds a bit down, as if she's missed out and sacrificed her life for others. She is probably very happy for you, I wouldn't pay too much attention to the negative side of her comments. She is also perhaps worried that it may all come crashing down for you, due to her own experiences, e.g. it makes her feel insecure and she's now feeling insecure on your behalf.

metrovelvet

It's chiaroscuro. Your bright sun casts her dark shadow.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiaroscuro

Sibylla

I do think she should be happy you've got a good lifestyle. I'm sure she would hate for you to go through what she did, I suppose naturally she is a little bitter and resentful that she never had any of those things in life. My advice would be try not to sound like your bragging maybe best not to bring it up if it's causing friction.

Taltos

OP - for a moment put yourself in your mothers shoes.
She has really had a rotten life.
She has sacrificed so much for her children.
Now - when she visits you - she is not just coming to you as the proud mother (and trust me she really is) - she is coming to you as the scarred and crippled human that her past has made her. All the items and THINGS you keep showing her - they just reinforce to her over and over how much she missed out on.

She is not jealous, not at all. She really is proud of you - but because of the sh1tty life she has had she really has no way of knowing how to show you that.

Can I suggest that you lay off the things for a while - save that for your OH or your friends. Instead sit with your mum at the table and talk to her - let her talk rubbish - if she bitches about other folk - let her. Just be there and let her know that you enjoy spending time talking and listening to her. If or when she criticises you - don't be too offended - understand where it is coming from - whether you like it or not - that might be the only way she has of letting you know she cares. Who knows maybe in time your relationship will change again - but for me - your mother is screaming out for just some human companionship - a friend who is there for her and who will not judge her on her past...

For what it's worth - your mum sounds like a trooper - I hope you tell her every day that you love her and give her hugs when she least expects them.

Fittle

Your mother, God bless her, spoiled you rotten.

Rather than believe that she's jealous of you, perhaps you could at least try to appreciate how difficult her life was raising you.

I've seldom seen a more selfish post on boards.

StillWaters

suziebrown wrote: »

...if i say 'oh come upstairs and ill show you the new curtains i bought, new bed or whatever' she'd show no interest and say 'ah ill see it again' like its no big deal.

Em, new curtains are no big deal...

jos28

I think I would take the line that Taltos suggests. Spend time with your Mam, sit at the table and talk to her, go for a walk and get her to talk about her wishes/regrets/hopes for the future. I would imagine that she is scared, frightened about what the future holds for her. I had similar issues with my Mam for a period in my life. Everytime I walked into the house she passed a negative comment about my hair or clothes or whatever. I would however get comments back from neighbours and relatives saying that Mam had been singing my praises. It took me a while to accept that she found it difficult to praise me directly. I made the decision to try and get to know her as a woman, not just my Mam. Ask her the questions you might ask a friend, get to know her on a different level and it will reap rewards for you both. I put a lot of effort into really getting to know my Mam and I am so glad that I did. She died last August and prior to that we had 5 or 6 years of great fun. Bring your Mam out for a night, show her some of the fun that she missed. Learn to enjoy her company

Seraphina

You realise, considering her situation, she probably doesn't know how to react to all your boasting of new things? She's had a hard life, she never had any of these things, and what's more, she probably never had anyone praise her. Maybe she is having difficulty establishing an emotionally normal adult relationship with you because she has not had any emotionally normal adult relationships?

Father and husband, both particularly important and influential figures in a woman of her generations life, both treated her like ****. It's not unusual for people to have difficulty communicating with people in positive ways when most of their experiences relate to negativity.

Also, lay off the rubbing her nose in the 'oh my life is so rosey and lovely, come check out my new curtains' lark.

anniehoo

Fittle wrote: »

I've seldom seen a more selfish post on boards.

That is a RIDICULOUS reply and highly offensive to the OP.Add to the guilt why dont ya. :mad:

The OP comes across as a genuine caring person who is just trying to figure out where they're going wrong in trying to communicate with their mother.

Yes, the mother had by the sounds of it an awful life bringing up her children and should be commended. But the OP should NOT be made feel guilty for the rest of her life because of it. Practically every single post prior to mine as been on the side of the parent.Why?

The OP is not showing off or rubbing it in her mothers face, more "hey mam, im doin good, look how ok im doing".Its not in a condescending manner but more in a reassuring way, as in "its ok, you can stop worrying about me now, im alright,you did a good job- i can take care of myself and ill take care of you now!"

She calls,visits, buys little treats for her....seriously, thats pretty fantastic.Theres a lot of kids out there who barely would acknowledge their parents from one end of the year to the next.

No child should be made feel guilty for the sacrifices their parents make or obliged to forever sustain them in "health insurance" ( i cant even afford my own) or the likes.

Her mother did what she had to do and clearly raised a caring child who grew up to be an adult who is concerned about them and wants them involved in their life. A parent who feels that all of that should be paid back to them and uses emotional blackmail needs to be talked to-bigtime.

OP, your mother had a tough life. It does not mean the rest of yours has to be if shes going to make you feel bad like its "payback". Thats not healthy and not fair. I think you're doing great tbh.;)

Taltos

jos28 wrote: »

I think I would take the line that Taltos suggests. Spend time with your Mam, sit at the table and talk to her, go for a walk and get her to talk about her wishes/regrets/hopes for the future. I would imagine that she is scared, frightened about what the future holds for her. I had similar issues with my Mam for a period in my life. Everytime I walked into the house she passed a negative comment about my hair or clothes or whatever. I would however get comments back from neighbours and relatives saying that Mam had been singing my praises. It took me a while to accept that she found it difficult to praise me directly. I made the decision to try and get to know her as a woman, not just my Mam. Ask her the questions you might ask a friend, get to know her on a different level and it will reap rewards for you both. I put a lot of effort into really getting to know my Mam and I am so glad that I did. She died last August and prior to that we had 5 or 6 years of great fun. Bring your Mam out for a night, show her some of the fun that she missed. Learn to enjoy her company

Jos28 - sorry to hear about your loss.
Hopefully your experience will help the OP approach her own situation differently. I think you nailed it with your adjectives of scared and frightened.

Fittle

anniehoo wrote: »

That is a RIDICULOUS reply and highly offensive to the OP.Add to the guilt why dont ya. :mad:

You think?

Only the OP can reveal if she was offended by my post. I wasn't trying to add to the guilt - the OP didn't say she felt any guilt.

She should be trying to get to know her mother as a person, not taking offence from the poor woman when she doesn't want to go upstairs and look at her new curtains:rolleyes:

Beruthiel

Suziebrown wrote: »

her father was like that. if you got the house done up, he would walk into your house and never pass a remark, even though its so noticable that all the walls are painted a different colour etc my mother used to say that about him 'you could paint your walls illuminouse pink and he wouldnt notice'. Yet she does it with me.

Whither we like it or not, we pick up learned behaviour from our parents. A lot of the them we have to make a concerted effort to unlearn it.

Putting myself in your mothers shoes:
One wrong decision and life turned into hell for her. She did not have the strength to change it. Was trapped. Threw herself into her children because she could at least do that.
Now, here she is, older, a lot of her life a miserable waste and looking at you. Suddenly seeing what she could have had if only things had been different.

Don't for one second doubt that she's utterly proud of you and thrilled that your life has turned out exactly as she would have wished for you. It validates all the effort she put into you as a child.

Go with jos28 suggestion. I bet it will make all the difference.

Danniboo

OP, no you are not just an "average" family. The "average" family these days, let alone a young couple in their twenties can't afford new cars, hot air balloons, expensive gifts at Valentines, buying a house and the ones that do have houses are struggling. OP, maybe don't mention all the new stuff you've bought, I painted this, hubbys doing this every time she calls over. Rather than "buying" things for her would you ever go out for a nice meal with her, watch a dvd, do you ever tell her how grateful you are or thank her for all the things she's done for you. In fact stop mentioning all your luxuries to her altogether would be my best advice. You are very lucky with your life OP not "average". You need to stop taking things for granted and be a bit more considerate of your mams feelings, you really have no idea how lucky you are.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, your Mam is just not interested in material things, wheras they seem very important to you.

New pictures and curtains are boring and if I'd have to pretend to be interested in such things if someone showed me those in their house.

I don't think she is jealous but just maybe not impressed by how materialistic you turned out to be. Life is not all about 'stuff'. To a lot of people 'stuff' is just irrelevant.

Try to be a bit more tactful. You might be coming accross as boastful to your Mother.

LegacyUser

well guys, im glad now that i did post this thread cos it opened my eyes to the way some people read things and pick up things differently.....some of you are making bull**** comments, you's are seeing things in black and white. Some of you are understanding and others are insulting.

first off....my mother is 45 yrs young, is in a relationship 15yrs (they dont live together), she is in full-time employment, has a great circle of friends, is the kindest , funniest woman and she knows how much we all love her. she is great craic, always the one up to dance first in a pub, im really proud of my mother and all my friends and everyone really think she is sound.

i dont rub anything in her face. come on guys get real ...Im sure all your mothers would ask you , 'so what you get for xmas?', 'what you get for your birthday', 'what you get for valentines'. OF course they would. Im hardly gonna say to her 'i didnt get anything'..

if i get a new car, im hardly not gonna tell her...LOL, i mentioned the picture in the sittingroom to her because i bought it out of the money SHE gave me for my birthday, and regarding the curtains.......i was telling her when i moved into the house first that i must get curtains for the bedroom as im a light sleeper and the sun is shining in, in the mornings, she was with me a year later when i was buying the curtains, so i was just saying to her to go up and have a look at them -the hubby had put them up the night before.
i just put in a few examples of things, but didnt go into detail about the story behind each one, but had to in this post now cos you's are attacking what i'm saying

and the ppl who call me materialistic....please do not use these words, when you don't know me as a person. I actually wish i was materialistic...lol i certainly am not, i do not have the money to be keeping up with jones'.

after reading all these posts all i can come up with , which another poster said is that maybe my mother may just be worried that because things are going so well for me, she is afraid in case it all comes crashing down, and she doesnt realise the way it's coming across.

thanks for all your nice and not nice replies...xxxx Thread finished. Please Close Thread.

Maple

OP, you asked for opinions, people responded to the facts as you presented them, they cannot be blamed for perceived harshness if you omit details.

However, thread locked as per your request.

Maple.