My 'wonderful' mother

LegacyUser

I think my nerves have had just enough of her.

She criticizes me in front of my friends and partner, in fact anyone, she has no shame whatsoever.
If I do anything nice or if anything appears that i'm making myself look good in her presence she will destroy it. She brings me down all the time in the very most snide and underhand way, like in a joke way but it's actually not that funny...mother.
For instance I offered to make a nice meal for everyone last night and everyone in the house said yeah that'd be lovely and her reply would be 'what,at 10 o'clock'.. she actually entered the house calling me tubby because i'm 8mths pregnant! calls me teletubby most of the time.

One time over xmas, everyone was merry and had a few beers (bar me) and I was saying how my work clothes were getting too tight on me my mum looked at my growing bump most serious disproving and said 'gosh that poor baby'.

My family have bared the brunt of her treatment and still do and i'm the only one who sticks up for myself. My poor father has been abused by her for years, kicked, verbally abused, brought down, treated worse than a dog.. well actually she kicks her own dogs in the face if they jump up at you so I suppose it's equal there.
They came to my house over the weekend and she gave him a tiny bit of the sofa which she had strewn across, I nearly lost the plot but just politely said 'can you let him sit down properly, he is literally falling off the couch'. I really feel for him.


She still doesn't even forgive me for being a teenager at all, I was rebellious to escape what was going on at home and school. Wasn't allowed any privacy growing up, didn't grow up with much not even a toilet or a shower/bath, she loves telling everyone that even though I find it so embarrassing. I remember me and my sister once when 7-8yrs old going down to the skip behind a shop to find bread to eat as there used be nothing in the house for a few days.
I moved out at 16 and fell into a world of drugs and booze for a while.

And yet everyone forgives her for being the way she is and accepts it.
Lets forget those few years that she had a drink problem and we all tiptoed around her fearing confrontation, we didn't have money for most things but we always had money for her alcohol.
I remember being pregnant and her being drunk and kicking my bed cos she had to take out what was going on in her head out on someone because my father wasn't there to bare the brunt of it.

She was abused as a child by her father and has so many issues going on that she never faced. When me and my sister were very young 5 or 6 onwards she would constantly say 'ill tell you when your older,your too young to know now' but we always knew what happened from that age and it almost felt like me and my sister were in this box, living over someone else's past and emotions, if that makes sense?

Then there's my sister, the golden girl. My mum would do anything for her. and I mean everything. She paid her extra rent whilst she had to go to college, paid registration fees for college, paid for her new car and needn't had paid any of it back.
One time I actually needed her to help me out financially and it was registration for college and she gave it to me!!! then a few months down the line she wanted it back to go to my dad's mothers funeral and I didn't have it. That was the end to our relationship and still doesn't forgive me for it.

My younger brother still lives with her and is now developing some sort of shame of her, he wanted to play football when he was younger with the school but my mother told us and him that he wouldn't be no good at it so no point in even starting.

These are just some of the memories and snippets and understanding I have!

Me and my sister have struggled to grow up into successful normal happy humans but we are nearly there. We both left school early and both became single parents in our teens.
We both went and got our leaving cert and went onto college whilst bringing up our lovely kids.
My sister has issues with self esteem,confidence,communication and has bouts of depression. We have always had problems building relationships with men and she hasn't had a boyfriend for years.

As for myself, I get depressed at times, have self esteem issues, very insecure, find it very very hard to build relationships with women and have to live a chaotic life as it's what I see as normal and can't forgive my mother.

I feel like kicking her half way across the earth at times and wonder why I wasn't one of the lucky ones to have a mother that was an inspiration or was a good role model. I suppose she has helped me see what kind of person I'd hate to be.

What the heck am I going to do with this? she's the only mother I've got.

Morag

Cut contact with her as much as possible and get couselling for yourself.
You can not change her or what she does but you can change how you feel and react and how much you are around such a toxic person.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, please buy and read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

It will help you a lot.

You can't 'fix' your Mother or make her right.

Beruthiel

OP
Why would you spend any amount of time with such an unpleasant woman?
If I were in your shoes, I'd cut my contact with her dramatically. She would be lucky to seem me more than once or twice a year.

LegacyUser

I have cut her off before for 9mths a few years back. One of my past boyfriends and me had had an argument and my mother made me choose between me or her, my boyfriend snapped at her and told her to get out the house.
And that was all my fault and that was that. I was ultimately being punished for sticking up for myself.

She's not ALL bad though,she is sometimes normal, helped me out in the house a few times and we can have conversations etc. and I think that's confusing me as to what goes on in her head. I dare not question her though, nobody does but I would love to see what her reasoning is . I do love her but it's not the loving mother daughter relationship I want.

If I did cut her off again, i'd never see my dad. my mum banned him from having a mobile phone so I wouldn't be able to contact him. I did say i'd buy him a mobile phone for xmas but my mum said no, that he'd only use it to text drug dealers and other women.
My dad and brother and sister all cling to her even though they know what she's like.

And your right, everyone does rally around her. Last night she dropped icecream and I said 'I hope you didn't get that on my new couch' she said it wouldn't matter if it did. Then my brother comes in and cleans up the mess. between my dad and my brother they are literally her servants!

I know it's easier to put up with her bs than accepting there is a problem and going through the process of cutting her off. Is it normal to feel guilty and wish things were different when you cut them off? especially mum.
or were you glad to be rid of that person and never look back?

Maple

OP, I've grown up with huge issues regarding my relationship with my mother. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her or so I felt, she wasn't the loving, supportive woman I wanted her to be, she was cold and selfish and self involved. It was a horrible way to grow up, even now she still has the ability to turn me inside out with rage and upset.

What I have done is to just try and take a step back from her, and to just accept her the way she is. She's not all bad, she's just an unhappy woman but I just try not to allow that impinge on my life anymore. I have tried to accept the fact that I will never have the relationship with my mother that I have longed for, and that is sad, but what's sadder is my getting wound up and hurt by it.

You will never change her, the only person that can change her is her, it's sad but the sooner you let go of your expectations for your mother then the more free you will feel.