Seven years wasted?

LegacyUser

I am with my partner for 7 years and while we have talked about babies and marriage it has always been talked about in the future. Lately I have found myself listening to my biological clock and so I spoke to my boyfriend about the possibility of starting a family. I was really shocked when he said he wasn't ready. Now financially it would be tough, he lost his job and I am in full-time education. I know myself that it is not realistic but when I asked him if he had a job and if money wasn't a problem would he be ready - he still didn't think he was ready. I guess I am starting to think maybe he will never be ready for babies or marriage and I am wasting my years with him.

I am also concerned about the lack of stability he brings to the relationship. It seems whenever there is extra money he wants to spend it on drink. The problem is when he starts drinking it turns in to a 3 day event. Not all day but the evenings/nights. In other ways he is great, don't get me wrong. He looks after me, cooks for me, kind, generous, adores me, we share housework etc Its just this drinking issue has been there from the start but we have never solved it.

I don't feel happy with him and sometimes I think the only reason I am still with him is because I am too afraid to start over and be alone. I have no confidence whatsoever and fear I would never find anyone that loves me like my partner does.

I am 27 and just feel like maybe I am never going to move forward in this relationship.I know this may seem like a stupid problem in the current climate bit I am close to the edge with this and am open to any helpful advice.

Wagon

7yearitch wrote: »

I am with my partner for 7 years and while we have talked about babies and marriage it has always been talked about in the future. Lately I have found myself listening to my biological clock and so I spoke to my boyfriend about the possibility of starting a family. I was really shocked when he said he wasn't ready.

Well, you're not much older than me. I can see where he is coming from in a way.

Now financially it would be tough, he lost his job and I am in full-time education.

Not ideal for bringing a child into. I'll be totally honest here, you can give a child all the love in the world but you still need to feed, cloth, keep a roof over it's head and yours, educate, buy toys, buy whatever other million things a baby needs.

I know myself that it is not realistic but when I asked him if he had a job and if money wasn't a problem would he be ready - he still didn't think he was ready.

You're asking him to look into the future. Nobody can do that.

I guess I am starting to think maybe he will never be ready for babies or marriage and I am wasting my years with him.

It's your perogative.

I am also concerned about the lack of stability he brings to the relationship. It seems whenever there is extra money he wants to spend it on drink. The problem is when he starts drinking it turns in to a 3 day event. Not all day but the evenings/nights.

This is the most immediate issue. Forget having babies for now because I think that if he gets this sorted and he can curb the boozing for the sake of the relationship, things will improve for the two of you. He might be depressed about being unemployed even, not a nice situation. But I do think that by him moderating his drinking, it will help him.

In other ways he is great, don't get me wrong. He looks after me, cooks for me, kind, generous, adores me, we share housework etc Its just this drinking issue has been there from the start but we have never solved it.

He sounds grand to be fair, but just lost. I think then the two of you are in a secure position to have a family, he'll feel more comfortable with the idea.

I don't feel happy with him and sometimes I think the only reason I am still with him is because I am too afraid to start over and be alone. I have no confidence whatsoever and fear I would never find anyone that loves me like my partner does.

Do you imagine yourself with other blokes or want other men?

I am 27 and just feel like maybe I am never going to move forward in this relationship.I know this may seem like a stupid problem in the current climate bit I am close to the edge with this and am open to any helpful advice.

Two things you can do.

1) Be completely honest with yourself and ask that even if he does want a family in future, do you want it with him? Essentially, are you in love with him. Take away the fear of being alone and ask yourself that question. If it's a no, then break up because it's dead on it's feet.

2) If you do love him, tell him all this and that you don't like his drinking and want to get your lives sorted out. DONT MENTION BABIES. Sort it out for the two of you first. And then when that's done, see where you stand.

LegacyUser

7yearitch wrote: »

I am also concerned about the lack of stability he brings to the relationship. It seems whenever there is extra money he wants to spend it on drink. The problem is when he starts drinking it turns in to a 3 day event. Not all day but the evenings/nights.

For this alone, I wouldn't stay with him. My sister is married to an alcoholic and his top priority is, and always will be, drink. His wife and children are a distant second.

Spending your life with someone and having children is wonderful, but at the same time rearing children is the toughest job there is. If you're married to and have children with a man whose top priority is drink, you might as well be a single mother.

You deserve more than shackling yourself to someone you can't rely on.

zxcvbnm1

To be honest I think 27 is definitely on the young side for having kids. (I am male by the way).
Saying that obviously i am not saying it is too young. If people are happy to have kids at that age then by all means go for it.

But i think a lot of people would not be enthusiastic about kids at that age. I know i certainly wasn't when i was that age.

In all likelihood he will want kids at some point over the next number of years.

I'm not sure why you are concerned about your biological clock ticking at that age by the way. When I first read your post I genuinely expected you to say you were around 10 years older given your concerns.

Personally i think you are getting ahead of yourself on the kids front. A lot of people would be quite happy to party on for another 5 years or more before thinking of kids. Obviously everyone is different with different priorities in life, but as far as i can see you might be panicking a lttle too early on the kids.

lazygal

Do you know where this is all going? Do you have plans for a future together? When I met my now fiance, we had a talk very soon into the relationship about what we wanted. I'm now 29 and want to have a family. Women have that clock and they also have a window of time for children-I'll be 30 if and when I first get pregnant and as fertility rapidly declines after 35 we need to be realistic about plannning a family.

Some people think 27 is young, fair enough. But you're together seven years already! What are you waiting for? I didn't want to have children unless I was married (my choice, no judgment!) and I didn't meet my fiance until I was 27, but I knew what I wanted and that there was no point being with someone who didn't want the same things I did, marriage and a family.

You know what you want OP. If your boyfriend doesn't want the same things, unfortunately you have some big decisions to make.