Big mistake? Is no contact the only way?

jayo76

Have posted here before about breakup I went through last August after 6 years. My ex fiance ended it in the end, I was upset because even though I knew there were major issues around her failure to compromise with me on major issues I did feel I loved her. She for her part felt her failure to compromise signified she didnt love me as much as I loved her and she was very upset.

I very quickly afterwards felt unsure as to whether I had loved her and came to the conclusion more that I had convinced myself I did and was desperate to make it work. Had thought about ending things a few times as she failed to make any efforts with my family, friends etc but I had always carried on even with niggling doubts.

Anyway over the last few months have been doing really well, no contact at all since September except for a birthday card she sent me in october which I acknowledged. I have been very positive,got on with life joined clubs even gone on a few dates bt nothing too heavy.However yesterday Feb 15th was her birthday, I sent her a card and she txt to acknowledge and say it was a lovely gesture. We then spent the whole of yesterday txting on and off catching up on each others lives.

We made clear that while we dont see ourselves meeting up regularly or anything we do care about each other and would like to stay in toch ir-regularly and maybe enquire of each other now and again. Things yesterday were very friendly. However I know 100% i do not want to get back into the relationship and certain she feels the same. Problem is I suppose today I have spent the whole day thinking about things with her again when last few months while I did think of her occasionally it was becoming much less frequent.

Dunno Im glad I sent her a card and we could exchange friendly msgs, but long term is this harmful to me moving on fully?? Is the best thing to cut all contact? How many people here remain in contact with ex's?

Virgil°

The biggest test for me when getting back in touch with my exes can be boiled down to one question.
If she told me during our contact that she had met a new guy how would i react?

Try to put yourself into that imaginary situation. She tells you she's got a new man. If that stirs any negative emotion in you jealousy, anger, upset etc.....
Then you probably aren't ready to be in contact with her.
If you genuinely(i stress genuine here, dont lie to yourself!) feel nothing over something like that or even pleased for her then by all means continue contact but tread carefully.

BraziliaNZ

You dont send cards to exes. No contact means no contact. STOP!

jayo76

Yeah can see both viewpoints. I honestly hand on heart can say that if she had said me to today she had met someone new I would be happy for her. I hope she can find someone she loves fully enough to give herself completely to. for my part I am now so much more certain about the characteristics I would like in a life partner and equally hope i find someone new who loves me as i love them.

But equally while not agreeing that you should never send a card to an ex, I am today now fully aware of how the reopening of contact initiated by my sending of the card can stir up all sorts of emotions.

I think over time the reasons for us to have any contact will lessen anyway, especially when we both hopefully find new relationships. At the moment I am content to discover myself again and enjoy some of the things I sacrificed during the relationship

IrishEyes19

It's the only way if you still love that person but theres no possibility of getting back together. Otherwise keeping contact is just unnecessary pain and it'll hurt ten times worse when they meet someone else or you find yourself single and they have moved on. No contact is just a good way to recover, its not a means to get someone back, thats just manipulation and usually the same issues arise again, but as you've said here, its to heal yourself that you want this. So go for it, if you feel you can maintain it.

Peanut2011

OP, IMO ex is ex and that is it. Once the relationship is over, as long as there are no children involved, I cut all contact and move on, otherwise you always keep the part of the past around.