Need to be stronger

LC2010HIS

Hey
Well last time anyone on boards heard from me was this break up: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056133930

Spoiler alert, we had a messy break up. Turns out I was right. He was with that girl who lived and worked near me the whole time. Now, theyre together, a month after we broke up. Long story short, He turned out to be a nasty piece of work ,puttin up vulgar statuses of his sexual relations with girls a week after me. And i found out that he was seeing that girl through a random status. The silly girl put up how they meet etc all over a thread. So maybe theyr very well suited. Anyway, Im out of it a month, and trying to get back to my old happy self.

Then I lost my bestfriend. She was always toxic and I always tried with her. But nothing was ever good enough. I got drunk after my break up and she used it as an excuse to ditch me. The details are so petty im not even gonna get into it. But went to a party the other night, she spent the entire night shít stirring about me to willing listeners.
A geniune friend told me at the party that when we were at secondary school, the reason barely anyone came near me was cause i hung around with her. So spent years on a friendship that was complete BS.

And my grades are worse then last year.

All this has stressed me for about a month.

Thing is, Id be lying if i said my confidence didnt take a knock.
Still kinda feeling like a fool, for some reason? Feel on the boyfriend front, no matter how my friends say it to me (he was an asshole blah blah) I still blame myself? And i dont actually pin point why i blame myself but I just do. Mam tells me that theres better and nicer guys out there, but why dont i believe in myself? I know deep down im better off but right now i still am hurt but still, cant pinpoint why?!
Friends wise, i dont care too much about her anymore. I have lots of college friends now and theyre ten times what she was!
And regarding grades..im actually intelligent. Not brainy but college good like. But i cant apply myself? AT ALL!!!! And i dont know why....just "ill do it tomorrow" atitude as usual.

How can i gain confidence? How can i just stop deep thinking and just do what i gotta? Fear im gonna waste my life if this keeps up.
How can i empower and love myself and believe in myself???:( Ive tried and i always find something...

And no, I wont see a councillor... :P

Advice ? Thanks in advance:)

Ickle Magoo

Aww, look, it's only been a few weeks - give yourself a bit of time.

A cheating boyfriend and toxic friend within such a short time frame would shake the confidence of some of the most self-assured people, I think you're being tough on yourself.

Just surround yourself with people who care and be kind to yourself, give yourself a bit of time to bounce back. Arrange some nights out or fun evenings with your friends and remind yourself that being you and being single is a good thing.

If you are struggling with college, it might be worth having a word with your tutor and letting them know - other than that, it's just down to self-discipline, write out a study table and stick to it. Don't allow yourself to get side-tracked.

Sometimes joining a club doing something you always wanted to do or that you enjoy is good way to boost your confidence and has the added bonus of helping you meet new people and have a bit of a change in life, which is always fun.

All the best. :cool:

LC2010HIS

Hey

I was out the other night and scored someone .Was delighted and in high spirits with my friends. And loved how i could walk away without caring. Im too caring you see.
But then i saw that awful girls thread and got very angry at the blatant arrogance of her and him. Just not fair .

Sick of caring and thinking though. Just wanna be my cool self again.

Just have been feeling a little lost in myself and trying to find my footing again if that makes sense?

i-digress

You will find yourself again. It'll just take time. And it's good that you weeded out the dishonest boyfriend and the toxic friend. It probably doesn't feel like that now though. But, if you hadn't gotten rid you would have had many months more pain than you will have this way.

I think if one area of your life is going badly, you can cope. If more than one area is going wrong life feels like a complete struggle. In your case three areas are going badly, friends, love-life, study.

As far as study goes, acknowledge that it's harder to study when you're going through an emotional upheaval, That's normal, and ok. Am I right that you're repeating the LC? That's bound to be stressful.

I think giving yourself small, achievable goals is the way to go. Set yourself a chapter to revise a day, something that can be done quickly so you won't put it off. You'll start to feel like you're achieving something, and will find it easier to slowly build up the amount of work you're doing that way.

The emotional stuff will only take time, but you'll get there. I cut myself off from a toxic friend, and it was the best thing I ever did. Believe me, you will get your confidence back.

Overheal

You've gotten rid of 2 bad cancers from the sound of it. Trying to find a new boyfriend, or even thinking about it, might be a waste of time. That sort of thing has a habit of coming around and theres no point stressing out about it. Being single will free up a good chunk of time to re-center yourself. As for the friend: forget about her. It sounds like some people are happy that you two are no longer speaking and that any void left un-filled by her presence will soon be filled by people who might be worth the effort.

The good news for you is after things like this happen you always, inherently, become a stonger character at the end of the experience. So don't worry about that either.

These things just take time. And thats it. Not much effort, just time.

spinandscribble

I think you need to focus on your leaving cert for the next few months and not worry about meeting a new guy in the meantime. Focusing your attention on something in your control would be better for you and give you some perspective.

LC2010HIS

I know I have study to focus on right now. Its just, this is really hurting.
I dunno what I did for people to make a fool outta me.
Ive done nothing but be the great reliable friend. Her only true friend, which has backfired on me. She treats acquaintances better than me.
And with the guy, I thought we were getting along really well. And he even said time and time again how great i was etc then, outta nowhere, he turned into a scumbag overnight?

And no matter how many times i point this out to myself or my mom or friends do, I always blame myself cause im this or that or didnt do this or that.
Why cant i just look out for myself and be assured like these people were??:(
Ever since i was a kid, Ive always believed "oh its me" etc

And another thing im so afraid of. Is, infact relationships with guys. He was the first guy i accepted on a date in about a year. Cause of trust issues. And low and behold i pick the Hugh Grant of Bridget Jones!
These type of people..is it a pattern?

Blah sorry. Blabbing on. Just dunno how to turn my very limited experienced life around before i screw myself over.

i-digress

LC2010HIS wrote: »

Why cant i just look out for myself and be assured like these people were??:(
Ever since i was a kid, Ive always believed "oh its me" etc

It could be me writing this. I'm 24, and when I was nineteen I had to get rid of toxic friends, like you did. It's so hard.

I always blame myself, for everything. Always have, and still do. I often think that I was born with weak emotions, just like other people have bad ankles, asthma etc. I'm over-sensitive, but knowing that isn't enough to turn it round.

I know this isn't much help. I just wanted to say that you're not alone, and I have improved in the past few years. It's tough though.

LC2010HIS

First of all : I need people to leave my ex outta this and his other woman. That was an issue bou 3days ago but what ive seen just now, has reinforced a different issue so please help me.

Ok i need help with the best friend i mentioned above!

Shes taken to facebook with her hate.

Im bawling right now cause everything that is been said about me is outta my control and i feel like im gonna snap!

I am damaged over this girl ok? This girl has plenty of mental issues and am pretty sure she has genetically inherited schisophrenia (she told me its in her family) she has done very destructive stuff over the years and ive been the shoulder.... She had all the symptoms of it . I tried to get her to go to her GP but she wouldnt n her mam often came to me askin me whats going on with her. I took her crap for so long and tried to get away several occassions, and was afraid cause of her backstabbing compulsive lying nature.
But when i finally needed her support ,as i mentioned above, she disgarded me, lyed about what id done when i was drunk and turned this all on me....

She texted me last week saying there was a lot of sh1t said and sorry bou that.. all i could think was ,i said nothing ever about us. i didnt reply out of hurt and honestly, didnt care n ive moved on.

Now i feel like the "pyscho". Cause thats my facebook cover name.
I just read a bitchy status about myself and how im a pyscho. One other lad who i only had one convo with (and is my ex's best friend) has joined in on all of it, calling me their enemy etc.
Ive already confronted her on this ages ago when they did something similar on my status. She denied it all sayin it was about their other friend. which is impossible cause it was stuff about me that only my close friends would know and she deleted it after.
Plus, she has now started working in my work place and they made bitchy comments about that. Shes been there 3days and already shes playing games?

Now, I know people on here think i am emotionally wrecked, i know that. But i am here at 3am scared, not because this is in my head, but because this girl has damaged people. Ive grown up with her and couldnt get away from her because i was afraid of what she would do.
I have been the good friend . I kept my mouth shut for years and took her problems on board. So maybe thats why im on here panicking every second cause all that was built up is coming out.

I really need help on this. Im scared and its all been turned on me. Even my panics here are been seen as crazy.....
I need help, what can i do about this girl? No use in confronting her, shes a coward on her own and agrees with everything on confrontation. But she has backstabbed the hell outta me. I cant take it anymore tbh.

Please, dont say im an emo wreck n bring up my silly behaviour about my ex on here. Im really afraid of the mind games that'll be played on me in work.

Everytime i fought with this girl when we were young, she muscled her way in on my interests or new friends. Got control, and i crumbled outta fear.

Seriously shes dangerous. And im not a drama queen. I wish i had a normal bestfriend but i wasnt that lucky. Heck, wish i had a normal ex boyf too but look, i didnt have that luck. I reckon it is my good nature that has attracted such awful people......And im sick of it. I refuse to take a battering anymore. I feel ive taken so many punches that i am gonna snap one of these days! And thats not fair? Sure its not? Why am i the one who will possibly end up damaged cause these people are slowly headwrecking me? Im cagey about going to councilling yes, because ive had life draining people always in my life. And its them that need it, NOT ME! I need a strategy to get this bitch off my back. I have moved on, grown and learned alot. Have a good new life but when i go home to my hometown every evening, its this gloom that awaits and thats not right....i hate coming home sometimes.

Help me please......:( I already thought of going to her parents but they have no control over her anymore cause after the LC she went absolutely wild....

Ive thought of moving to a different county even.

Thats how much of my life is affected cause no matter what i do, she follows and destroys it.....
Please help me.

Taltos

+1 to all of SF's advice.
Also - keep a safe secure never to be shared record of all the incidents - why? Well just in case she is as mental as you say you will need supporting evidence to go to the Gardai with.
Include date; time; location; witnesses; description of event. (Remember don't leave it ANYWHERE it can be found...Otherwise it could make your life hell and keep it secret....)

Remember bullying/harrasment in the workplace is not permitted and it is your employer's responsibility to deal with it appropriately.
So - do NOT react - your reaction no matter how justified could be used against you.

Also - as per SF - DELETE your facebook (f*ckedup) account - seriously - do you know how many issues are made worse because of it. And not only delete yours but stop and I mean never look at anyones page again. If necessary go so far as to create even new email addresses for yourself and use safe lists to control who can contact you.

Unfortunately people like your "friend" are not that uncommon - however - they ONLY have power so long as caring people like you allow them. Eventually others will tire of their venom and before she knows it she will be latching onto a new circle of friends still complaining about the losers from her childhood. This cycle will likely keep repeating until she learns from it or until she ends up as someone's "princess" - normally either someone totally under the thumb or someone who does the dirt on her as easily as breathing.

So put her out of your head. Don't mix or talk beyond the amount necessary in work - and ask your boss for separate shifts if possible. Explain you both had a falling out and while it is uncomfortable working together, you really want to do the best job possible without any childish distractions (yes use that word...).

Stay strong - and keep focussed on living a happy life - in a few years this will all seem like a bad dream. Been there - got the t-shirt

Vicxas

All ill say is confidence takes time to rebuild after a knock, but dont worry itll come back hang in there!

LC2010HIS

Its just hard.. Ive done so much for her. I even saved her life recently before this fall out. I mean, im a bitch arent i?:rolleyes:


From what I read from that status, it was that guy who started it....:eek: I had 1 conversation. Ever. with him. Im like "who are you". Dunno what to make of him since i barely know him. But thats what scares me. What has been said about me. It does bother me, obviously since i care about my reputation.

She mentioned "the pyscho isnt working" and im like ,your watching my hours? Now that makes me very sketchy. I dont feel comfortable knowing shes looking at my hours. Childish to say i know. But seriously, you have no idea what shes like.

Not like i can hide my hours. And if she started her mind games in the workplace, i couldnt prove it

Had a new bestfriend last yr, she muscled in and now, shes her bestfriend.

Got a new boyf where i didnt want her involved and told her nothing about him..(everytime other girls in the group got a boyf, she'd create fights and be the shoulder for the boyf aka sleep with um. And somehow, people are still around her .Im not joking)
Me keeping my love life to myself only got her more "upset" and she accessed him on facebk. Et voila, i got angry over it!

Got a job, gained confidence. She convinently gets in there and is already bitching about me.

So sick of the lot of it. Really am.

She has done some nasty things in the past. Pretty messed up things. People know this and still are around her?

LegacyUser

OP.

Firstly, stop taking on her problems. Just stop.Let her away. Now I know you're going to say that you can't that she keeps coming into your life. STOP listening to her, talking to her, engaging with her in any way whatsoever.

Secondly stop beating yourself up and obsessing over these things. I've seen a good few of your posts, and to be quite honest, you're not a psycho.You sound to me like a girl (17-19ish??) who completely overthinks stuff and takes other people's problems on aswell, to agonise over.

The reason I see this is because I've been that girl too.

Get rid of Facebook.The world revolves without it.Life goes on (quite successfully) without Facebook.You've been floating around Boards long enough now to see all the threads that start about rows/break ups/fights caused over and by Facebook and text messages. They are the common denominator.Just stop using the bloody thing.The last 4 posters have told you to get rid of it. Please listen to what we are saying .I am NOT trying to be patronising, I'm really not, but I'm telling you - when you have seen a bit more of the world and life, you will realise that Facebook is trouble with a capital T - and is not necessary to your life. Most real people, that are really worth knowing, are out living and enjoying their lives, and not posting about it on Facebook - because they haven't got the time.

Right, that's the end of my patronising bit. Secondly, if this girl is such a psycho, record her actions. I have to wonder though - seriously - does she have that little to do with her time that she checks your hours, and then posts about it on Facebook?? I'm sorry, but that's just pathetic and sad behaviour on her part. Stop giving her the time of day. Stop letting her get involved. Most of all, stop reacting to her. I know it's probably been said time and again to you - she's going to keep poking at you because she knows she'll get a reaction from you. Stop giving her that reaction, and DO NOT give her any opportunity to get into your life in any manner.

Also, this "best friend" thing....why do you have to have one, single best friend? Why can't you have several very close friends?

Who cares what you've done for her? Why do you make yourself responsible for her? You're not responsible for her, and nor are you some kind of martyr to your own cause. Look after yourself for a change, and let her look after herself. Literally. Leave her at whatever she's doing, and DO NOT get involved. It's her life, it's her problem - you're all adults by now, and that's something you have got to learn, or you will make your own life a misery. If people genuinely need help, well and good, but learn when to step back and recognise that some things are just not your problem.

So, my advice in a nutshell? Don't do anything. Literally. Stop using Facebook.Delete your account (and I'm not sure you can do that, so ask someone you know to block it on your computer/phone, using a password they won't tell you). Stop answering the texts, stop listening, stop trying to "help" her. If her parents want to know what she's at, tell them you don't really know, your exams are coming up, you've been very busy and haven't seen her. Put your head down,work, study and get your exams. The only person here that's going to lose out is you otherwise. No matter how bad the texts get, ignore.Delete before reading. Don't interact with her in work any more than you have to - politely.

I'm aware I may sound a bit harsh, but I can't come up with any other answers to be honest, because I don't think there are any others.