How to make it work?

LegacyUser

Basically myself and my OH are together about 6 months, we live in different counties, about a 2 and a half hour drive. Its always been this way from the start and we knew it would be. The first few months were great we looked forward to seeing each other, and every weekend was special. Recently though I feel like things have changed between us, most likely because of me. I have insecurity issues and suffered from depression before, which has reared its head again, and I took it out on him, not bad but mood swings etc. He became complacent and made less of an effort and I always felt like I missed him more than he missed me etc. When we are together, things are perfect and I hate leaving him, he feels the same, but the distance and trying to communicate without seeing each other during the week is hard for me, he deals with it better. We had a big blowout a while back where everything came out about my issues and we basically decided to start fresh and we talked through it and I agreed I would start back at counselling. I feel that the fact that we dont see each other during the week has caused us to distance from each other, that we are not sharing each other's lives and that if we continue this way we may not last. I love him with all my heart and he loves me, and am willing to do whatever I can to make it work, but I don't want to make a fool of myself either. I have a good job here and am financially stable, as is he in his location.

I considered moving to his county as I would eventually have to move there for my PhD, and if I could get a good job there I know things would be better. But what I'm afraid of is that he will think it is too much too soon for me to move down there for the relationship and then if it does not work out I may regret it. I know I have to move eventually for postgrad but I probably would have put it off for another year if it wasnt for this relationship. I wouldnt move unless I had a good job to go to though. There is no option for him to move with the job he has, we talked about it.

I know people will tell me talk to him, but with all we have been through, I'd like some third party perspective before I jump the gun and have that talk with him, am I a fool to do this? Is it too soon to make that leap? We wouldnt live together, but the proximity would definitely help, we both said it would be great, and he knows id eventually be moving but I never said when.

I want the honest truth, no matter how harsh. I appreciate that more than being soft!

Curry Addict

worried_and_confused wrote: »

I considered moving to his county as I would eventually have to move there for my PhD, and if I could get a good job there I know things would be better. But what I'm afraid of is that he will think it is too much too soon for me to move down there for the relationship and then if it does not work out I may regret it. I know I have to move eventually for postgrad but I probably would have put it off for another year if it wasnt for this relationship. I wouldnt move unless I had a good job to go to though. There is no option for him to move with the job he has, we talked about it.

i dont think either of you are in love. if you were in love, your personal situations would be irrelevent compared to your desire to share your lives.

I have been in this situation and the sacrifices involved to live together were bigger than you say above. we were both willing to make the move and then it just came down to what made more practical sense overall in living the life we wanted.

Ickle Magoo

Tbh, if your relationship is struggling after a mere six months then I'm inclined to think it wouldn't last the distance anyway. Having issues after years together is one thing but loosing motivation and feeling the relationship is one-sided after a few months together should be raising some enormous red flags and I don't think upping yourself from a decent job, your home and friends is going to help the situation.

Sorry OP, prob not what you wanted to hear.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm in a very similar situation to you. LDR, the distance is also about the same as you, but we are together 2 years now.

Neither of us can move either, due to work and family commitments, and we just see each other at the weekend and whenever we have time off work.

Where I differ from you is that, even though my oh and I are 2 years in that situation, and the distance between us is hard, we are both willing to stick this out, because we feel it's worth it.

We have no plans to move closer to each other. It simply isn't feasible for either of us, it would end up costing one of us more than we can afford at present.

The thing is, I'm very happy to wait it out, and so is my oh. Yes, the distance sucks, and I feel very frustrated, especially after a hard day at work, when all you want is a shoulder to moan on, or a crappy day when I'd love a kiss goodnight.

Thing is, we're happy with the time that we do have together. We try to spend it well, and when the time comes that we can move closer together I'll be over the moon. I actually get all excited and jumpy when I think about it. I know when it happens it will be great.

It sounds to me like the doubts that you are having are perfectly normal. I have them all the time, but what it always comes back to for me is that I'm happier with my oh than I ever was with anyone and the desire to be with him forever just cancels out all my doubts and insecurities about it.

If you're both willing to make the effort, and stick it out until the right time to move, I think you will make it. I learned how to drive this year, and my oh is starting too, to try and minimise the distance between us. We plan our weekends and time off, and do things together that keep things fresh and exciting between us.

I know someday we'll be able to be in the same city and be together, but for now I'm happy to keep working away in my home town and gain the experience in my job so I have the option to move closer to him. It will probably be another year or too, but it will be worth it.

You just have to ask yourself, is all this worth it to you? Is he worth it to you? It's a tough sacrifice to make.... I wouldn't be making it if I didn't see a future with my oh.

Hope this helps you... Sorry it's so long

LegacyUser

hi all, OP here.

Thanks for the advice, Id appreciate as much as possible. I'm totally willing to make it work and I make a lot of effort, but he is very laid back in that department and doesn't feel the need to make the effort to make a lot of contact or plan in advance when we will see each other. Now saying that he tells me how much he adores me and loves me, and how he is in this long term and isn't going anywhere, despite how many times I have expressed my doubts to him. But I just feel like it isn't enough for me, I need more from him, and maybe I am being too demanding, but I feel like I'd like him to tell me he missed me or loves me more, which he will tell me intermittently, and his reasoning is he distances himself because it is easier than missing me. I can understand that because I know how hard it is for me when I miss him. My head is in bits I just don't know am I fooling myself by thinking it will work when he is so laid back and I am not, he is happy as things are but I feel like I need more.

LegacyUser

It's hard to keep up the enthusiasm sometimes, the distance wears thin after a while.

I try and speak to my oh every day on the phone, sometimes just for 5 minutes, just to say goodnight. Apart from that, we don't really put pressure on each other to be available to each other all the time.

It's a lot of effort to keep a text conversation going, or keep talking all night on the phone.

Some people don't like to say 'I love you' all the time, and aren't comfortable doing that. I'm not one of those people, I say it a lot, but my oh is. That's just him, I don't feel the need to hear him say it every day. He says it when he really has thought about it and means it.

6 months isn't a very long time. LDRs shouldn't move as fast as regular relationships. Maybe resolve to go with the flow for a while and try not to think about needing more for the moment. (don't know how long, that would be up to you.)

See if you can enjoy the relationship for what it should be. Your in fun, flirty, getting to know you stage still at 6 months in.
If you still feel like it's not enough for you, and he can't provide the commitment you need, maybe an LDR isn't the best option for you and your oh.

LegacyUser

thanks, I agree totally that I need to learn to go with the flow. I suppose what happened is because we don't see each other much and don't share each other's lives it feels like we have distanced a bit, that there is no excitement anymore. He seems to have become complacent, like if there is a weekend that one or both of us has a lot to do and we wont be seeing each other for a period of 2/3 weeks, I would do everything I could think of to try and organise a way for us to see each other, whereas he would just not bother planning anything, say "we'll see" and be completely fine not seeing me for that length of time. I usually never find out what the actual plan is til a few days before, if I'm lucky.

LegacyUser

Ok, well from reading your last post, I might have to concede that he does seem a bit complacent...

Having said that, if we're doing anything special or out of the ordinary, I do most of the planning and organising, as he is useless with dates and times.

However, if you're doing all the running to wherever he lives, I'd be worried that he is too laid back and complacent about things to be in an LDR. I couldn't do all the travelling, there has to be compromise there. Like if you have a lot to do, he comes to your that weekend and same goes for you.

It sometimes does take a bit of discussion before the weekend, and you do both need to be willing for it to work. Do you mind if I ask how old you both are?

LegacyUser

Oh he does make the effort in terms of travelling, I have to give him credit, for the first 4 or 5 months of our relationship he did all the commuting as with work commitments I couldnt travel down to him, now that I can, I do a bit more travelling, but it is still pretty much 50/50, say every second weekend or so. He just wouldnt be big on planning in terms of making advance plans, like if i ask what day I would see him, he would say he wasnt sure and then discuss it maybe the Thursday or Friday, or sometimes he would cancel last minute and then rearrange plans. We are both in our mid 20s.

LegacyUser

Yep, I'm in my twenties too.

I guess it comes down to what you both are looking to get from each other, maybe he has other priorities at the moment, (you mentioned you both have good jobs in your respective locations).

It's only 6 months in, as I said before. I think you need to try to talk to him about it again. Maybe discuss where you both see yourselves this time next year. I did this with my oh, and we both knew that whatever happened with work or family, we wanted to keep it going. The good times were just worth the hassle.

Yes, I think you have to take that leap and talk to him about it. Definitely.

LegacyUser

I know I need to talk to him, but I'm reluctant to due to the fact that the past month or so has not been great with us, partly because of him needing to cop on a bit (all men go through that phase!) and mainly because of my insecurity issues and the depression (i trust him totally with regard to cheating and all that, its just an insecurity about how he feels about me constantly) and I feel like if I have the talk he will feel Im constantly looking for reassurance. He is the type of guy that if I bring up a topic he will hug and hold me and tell me how he feels about me, but he isn't the type to offer a solution, and the more we delve into it the more stressed out he gets and needs to walk away from it. I guess I'd like a light hearted, non threatening way to bring it up where he feels safe to open up to me and discuss it without him feeling like I'm pressuring or nagging him.