Are "nice guys" a turn off to women?

LegacyUser

Hey guys, going unreg for this. Basically i need some opinions (female's especially). I was dumped a few weeks ago and told by the girl in question that i was too nice for her! WTF? Does she want a guy to treat her like sh*t or something? Yeah people say i'm a nice guy but i'm not a walk-over like or anything like that and we got on well together.

Is this an unattractive feature for a guy to have? Sorry if is a bit trivial but i'm just confused about her reason for the break-up.

Beruthiel

TooNice wrote: »

I was dumped a few weeks ago and told by the girl in question that i was too nice for her!

You do know that's just a line to let you down gently?
Nobody really get's dumped because they're 'too nice'. She didn't want to hurt your feelings and give you the real answer.

Is this an unattractive feature for a guy to have?

Not if the woman has half a brain in her head.

ilovefridays

TooNice wrote: »

Hey guys, going unreg for this. Basically i need some opinions (female's especially). I was dumped a few weeks ago and told by the girl in question that i was too nice for her! WTF? Does she want a guy to treat her like sh*t or something? Yeah people say i'm a nice guy but i'm not a walk-over like or anything like that and we got on well together.

Is this an unattractive feature for a guy to have? Sorry if is a bit trivial but i'm just confused about her reason for the break-up.

YES, because like men too most girls like a challenge. i know it sounds ridiculous.
ive seen it many times before. you hear girls saying that they want a decent bloke, and as soon as they get one they want something different.

ive seen girls treat fellas like dirt and walk all over them cos 'they're too nice'. the guy will do anything for the girl , open doors, buy flowers, teddys, always be at their beck and call. The girl takes advantage

IMO, your too good for her. You will meet a nice girl.

Hazys

I think the term should be "girls dont like needy guys" rather than "girls dont like nice guys".

Not saying this applies to your situation or that you're needy but i think its a major misconception that girls dont like nice guys. A guy who chases after a girl, drops everything for her all the time, tells her everything she wants to hear gets tiresome and overbearing for a girl (for a boy for that matter also). Thats the type of "nice guy" a girl doesnt like. You can be nice but not needy.

Beruthiel

ilovefridays wrote: »

YES, because like men too most girls like a challenge. i know it sounds ridiculous.

Yes, it is ridiculous.

ive seen girls treat fellas like dirt and walk all over them cos 'they're too nice'. the guy will do anything for the girl , open doors, buy flowers, teddys, always be at their beck and call. The girl takes advantage

That has nothing to do with the lad being nice and everything to do with the girl in question being a thundering bitch.

ilovefridays

Beruthiel wrote: »

Yes, it is ridiculous.



That has nothing to do with the lad being nice and everything to do with the girl in question being a thundering bitch.

I was just giving 1 type of example;)

liah

Most emotionally healthy women want a man who is nice, but they don't want a mewling servant who does whatever she wants whenever she wants it or gets treated like a doormat by her or others. He has to have a sense of self and a backbone of his own. He has to be someone they can respect.

There's a huge difference there, and an awful lot of guys fall into the second (mewling servant) category completely unawares, and continuously get more and more bitter as time goes on because they don't understand, they think they're nice and lovely but fail to see their faults and think women just want assholes, when that's not really the case at all.

Distorted

Hazys wrote: »

I think the term should be "girls dont like needy guys" rather than "girls dont like nice guys".

Not saying this applies to your situation or that you're needy but i think its a major misconception that girls dont like nice guys. A guy who chases after a girl, drops everything for her all the time, tells her everything she wants to hear gets tiresome and overbearing for a girl (for a boy for that matter also). Thats the type of "nice guy" a girl doesnt like. You can be nice but not needy.

I agree with this. Some guys drop their own lives when they meet a girl, constantly text and phone cutesy little messages and continually ask how you're doing (err, just the same as an hour ago...), agrees with everything you say and becomes very bland and too "nicey nicey".

Decent guys on the other hand, yes, they are fine. But too nice just isn't right.

JimmyCrackCorn

TooNice wrote: »

Hey guys, going unreg for this. Basically i need some opinions (female's especially). I was dumped a few weeks ago and told by the girl in question that i was too nice for her! WTF? Does she want a guy to treat her like sh*t or something? Yeah people say i'm a nice guy but i'm not a walk-over like or anything like that and we got on well together.

Is this an unattractive feature for a guy to have? Sorry if is a bit trivial but i'm just confused about her reason for the break-up.

Took me years to figure out what "nice" in nice guy actually meant. I used to be guilty as hell of the nice guy bit.
Let me give you the short-cut and save you some time. I wish someone did this for me.

• A nice guy in this context is someone who is constantly trying to not offend a woman and bending over backwards to keep everybody happy.
• A nice guy is a guy who avoids confrontation rather than say what they actually think in case it offends someone.
• A nice guy often backs off rather than stand up for something (see 1st point)
• A nice guy often doesn't take risks

While a "bad" guy is not necessarily someone who goes out and burns an orphanage.

• A bad guy takes risks not being afraid to have fun with a situation
• They are a little cockier (windups ect)
• They disagree and stand up for beliefs and are not afraid to say something that may cause a bit of a debate
• They are generally more of an alpha male (there's your search keyword)
• Nice guys invite a woman into there life not put it on hold to be part theirs. (that doesn't mean make no effort)

Bear in mind this is all moderated to the situation rather than being an epic ass or an epic woosie.


NOTE:
Thats my personal opinion but i used to fall into woosie category and now i just don't. Im sure the women of PI will shoot this down if im wrong but i doubt it.

Beetlebum

liah wrote: »

Most emotionally healthy women want a man who is nice, but they don't want a mewling servant who does whatever she wants whenever she wants it or gets treated like a doormat by her or others. He has to have a sense of self and a backbone of his own. He has to be someone they can respect.

There's a huge difference there, and an awful lot of guys fall into the second (mewling servant) category completely unawares, and continuously get more and more bitter as time goes on because they don't understand, they think they're nice and lovely but fail to see their faults and think women just want assholes, when that's not really the case at all.

Couldn't agree more!

I went out with a guy a while ago who was ridiculously nice. He held open doors for me, surprised me with weekends away, complimented me all the time, he even treated my sister to a weekend away. He was also rich, handsome and very funny. I still broke up with him.

Why?

Because he was way too nice. I had no respect for him. That's the bottom line. Respect.

He had no real opinions of his own or even if he did he'd come round to my way off thinking in a heartbeat. I could do no wrong and all my opinions were right and all my stories and jokes were HILARIOUS! He even started lsitening to Radiohead all the time cause I'm a big fan even though he was really into dance music and hated indie.

I couldn't hack it.

PhysiologyRocks

Different women like different things.

Personally, I appreciate decency.

LegacyUser

TooNice wrote: »

Hey guys, going unreg for this. Basically i need some opinions (female's especially). I was dumped a few weeks ago and told by the girl in question that i was too nice for her! WTF? Does she want a guy to treat her like sh*t or something? Yeah people say i'm a nice guy but i'm not a walk-over like or anything like that and we got on well together.

Is this an unattractive feature for a guy to have? Sorry if is a bit trivial but i'm just confused about her reason for the break-up.

The fact of the matter is, that it all comes down the sexual chemistry.

When a girl really finds a guy sexually stimulating, she gets a little irate, a little bitchy etc etc in his presence.

The reason for this is the ego.

Women like to feel like they are in control.
If this sounds chauvinistic, my apologies.
But it's a fact.

This is where charm comes into play.
Charm basically translates as tact.
Manoeuvrings this irate, stand offish attitude.

When she finds him sexually attractive - really - then she is not entirely in control, and therefore this irate, slightly wicked, type of attitude, comes into play, in a (futile) attempt to regain that control - but it's just a natural reaction.


The "nice guy", is the guy who doesn't inspire this sexual friction, and therefore, if you were to be anything other than polite and nice - it would simply be interpreted as this - being impolite and uncivil, and she would tell you to get lost.

As oppose to the guy she finds sexually stimulating, who sort of has to be a little disingenuous/coy/charming - to effectively counter or deal with the aforementioned effrontery - all of which can result in the perception of said male, to be a "not nice" type of guy; a bastard.

This is the guy that gets the girls, but not because he's a bastard - that's just the perception.
It's cause for reasons such as confidence, knowledge as regards approach etc - they find him attractive/sexually stimulating.

So, in actual fact, being a "nice guy", or overly "nice guy", has nothing to do with it.

It's just, seemingly, there's not a high enough level of sexual stimulation for her to naturally maintain an interest.

mood

TooNice wrote: »

Hey guys, going unreg for this. Basically i need some opinions (female's especially). I was dumped a few weeks ago and told by the girl in question that i was too nice for her! WTF? Does she want a guy to treat her like sh*t or something? Yeah people say i'm a nice guy but i'm not a walk-over like or anything like that and we got on well together.

Is this an unattractive feature for a guy to have? Sorry if is a bit trivial but i'm just confused about her reason for the break-up.

It's definitely not a turn off. In fact it would be the opposite for me.

Ickle Magoo

Krazy Bee, can you make sure it's obvious you are merely giving your opinion rather than making crass generalisations and sweeping statements about others.

Thanks. :cool:

LegacyUser

Hey guys, OP here again. Thanks for the replies. Just to point out that i wasn't needy in the relationship, in fact she was more in to me at the start of it (then backed off a bit). We had good sexual chemistry and gave each other space. That is why the whole thing is so confusing to me because everything was going great. I like to think that nice is a good thing and i am generally regarded as "sound" by most people but i'm definitely not needy. I already know what that feels like from a crazy clingy ex!

Ickle Magoo

In that case, OP, I think it's safe to assume something else was the matter and the "too nice" line was just a clichéd cushioning for ending the relationship.

Sorry.

christina_x

To answer your question: Nope, nice guys are definitely not a turn off, well, not to me anyways! I can't help on why she broke up with you... maybe she just wasn't happy in the relationship but didn't know why... and this was the only reason she could give?

James400

You see it all the time...girls who are supposedly looking for a 'challenge' or a 'bad boy' are eventually left in tears after he's buggered off after getting what he wants after a period of time.

It never ceases to amaze me when you hear these girls saying 'i can't understand it.' It's simple play with fire and you're going to get burned.

Have a look at the dating notices in the media. 'Genuine guy wanted, decent guy etc'.

I think that girls are looking for a genuinely decent fella, an all-round nice bloke.

I agree that a well-meaning guy who majorly over does it would be a bit too much alright. Nothing wrong with that and most guys wouldn't do that to a girl anyway.

John400

Personally i'd say that generally most girls are looking for a genuinely decent, nice bloke who isn't over the top about things and probably vice-versa, guys are generally looking for a genuinely nice girl who isn't over the top about things.

sporina

a guy is not "too nice" if you fancy the pants of him..

so perhaps she did not fancy you?

or a guy is not "too nice" if they have an admirable personality - ie a personality of their own - and one that is attractive.

i think the term "too nice" means they cannot fault the guy but there is not enough of an attraction either physically or intellectually to keep her attention

MsHolloway

No, girls are not turned off by nice guys!

Are there some girls out there that like the "bad guys", of course! My friend is one of them, she seems to be more interested if the guy treats her like ****e. I really don't understand it myself.

I like nice guys, my bf is a nice guy. Hes sweet, kind, treats me very well, treats his family, friends very well. And I absolutely love him for it.


Basically don't go changing yourself.

LegacyUser

I'm going to admit I haven't actually read the thread and I am just chiming in with my simple advice after seeing the title.

There is a huge difference between a nice guy and a guy who is spineless, unassertive and lets himself be walked all over. The latter is very unappealing. Too many times I see self proclaimed nice guys who can't fanthom why girls aren't interested in them and who completely ignore the fact that the main biological reason for female attraction to males is because males ACT like male. That doesn't mean you should be a womanizing, overpowering douche bag like the male stereotype stigamatizes but that does mean that you should be assertive, confident and able to make decisions. Being nice is a huge bonus to those qualities. Too many men think woman are attracted to so called bad boys because they're bad but thats not the reason, usually its because bad boys don't let others boss them around and make their own decisions and thats attractive to women. On the flip said you can have nice guys who also don't let people boss them around and they are far more appealing. Beautiful girls going out with bad boys draws more attention but personally I know a lot more beautiful girls who go out with nice guys than the much publicized bad boys. I'm going out with an Assets Model and I'm a very nice person and I have a few friends who are similarly going out with beautiful women and are the nicest people you'll meet.

Exclamation Marc

I've always thought from looking at my female friends that "bad guys" are only really ever good for a quick fling or short-lived thing. They're intruiging and mysterious on the outside, but go any deeper and there is nothing attractive about a guy who will treat a girl like dirt or act like he's an alpha male, but some girls are gluttons for punishment. The girls you'll end up with by being a "bad guy" are really not worth it.

"Nice guys" are the type of guys that girls stick around with, and the kind of guys that people enjoy spending a prolonged amount of time with.

There are a couple of "bad guys" that I know and whilst one of them gets away with it, every single one of the others like that are generally seen as ássholes by most people.

So continue being a "nice guy". Once you're not a pushover you'll get much further in life especially with women being "nice".

James400

FireballPitcher wrote: »

I've always thought from looking at my female friends that "bad guys" are only really ever good for a quick fling or short-lived thing. They're intruiging and mysterious on the outside, but go any deeper and there is nothing attractive about a guy who will treat a girl like dirt or act like he's an alpha male, but some girls are gluttons for punishment. The girls you'll end up with by being a "bad guy" are really not worth it.

"Nice guys" are the type of guys that girls stick around with, and the kind of guys that people enjoy spending a prolonged amount of time with.

There are a couple of "bad guys" that I know and whilst one of them gets away with it, every single one of the others like that are generally seen as ássholes by most people.

So continue being a "nice guy". Once you're not a pushover you'll get much further in life especially with women being "nice".

^Excellent post. OP stay as you are.

At the end of the day 'bad guys' don't have genuine love for the girl in my opinion when you go deeper into their pschye. Girls most certainly are playing with fire and are going to get burned/stung by him eventually, whichever way you want to put it.

Beruthiel

TooNice wrote: »

Hey guys, OP here again. Thanks for the replies. Just to point out that i wasn't needy in the relationship, in fact she was more in to me at the start of it (then backed off a bit). We had good sexual chemistry and gave each other space. That is why the whole thing is so confusing to me because everything was going great. I like to think that nice is a good thing and i am generally regarded as "sound" by most people but i'm definitely not needy. I already know what that feels like from a crazy clingy ex!

Then I'm going to guess that she has unrealistic expectations and is waiting for Mr. Darcy to ride in on his white horse.
She'll be a long time waiting...

Peanut2011

OP, i've heard it said once that girls want bad boys who will treat them right but provide all the excitement that comes with the image, however women want a nice decent bloke.

There is a huge difference between a girl and a woman.

I have not seen what category you fall in to but this might hopefully give you some explanation.

ShagNastii

I think I know exactly what OP getting at. I often asked the same question.

I don't think it is to do women wantibg a "bad boy" or a nice guy. I think they just want a decent bloke that isn't a <snip> (for absolute lack of a better word)

I'm guessing you can see it in guys yourself. From the outside looking in you surely know a "bad boy" who is generally a bit of a messer but is respectful in his courtship of da ladies. Then you have the bad boy who although successful with wonen he is a prick to 99% of them. A total tosser.

You know that friend who is "whipped". This is the puppy dog people are saying is so unattractive. Even as a guy it's a bit sad when you see a guy being tooo nice and underthumb.

Balance my friend. It is excellent to respect the girl and treat her like a queen. But you can't forget yourself. A lesson I've learned is it isn't a travesty to be selfish at times in a relationship and put yourself and what you want first.

ongarboy

JimmyCrackCorn wrote: »

Took me years to figure out what "nice" in nice guy actually meant. I used to be guilty as hell of the nice guy bit.
Let me give you the short-cut and save you some time. I wish someone did this for me.

• A nice guy in this context is someone who is constantly trying to not offend a woman and bending over backwards to keep everybody happy.
• A nice guy is a guy who avoids confrontation rather than say what they actually think in case it offends someone.
• A nice guy often backs off rather than stand up for something (see 1st point)
• A nice guy often doesn't take risks

While a "bad" guy is not necessarily someone who goes out and burns an orphanage.

• A bad guy takes risks not being afraid to have fun with a situation
• They are a little cockier (windups ect)
• They disagree and stand up for beliefs and are not afraid to say something that may cause a bit of a debate
• They are generally more of an alpha male (there's your search keyword)
• Nice guys invite a woman into there life not put it on hold to be part theirs. (that doesn't mean make no effort)

Bear in mind this is all moderated to the situation rather than being an epic ass or an epic woosie.


NOTE:
Thats my personal opinion but i used to fall into woosie category and now i just don't. Im sure the women of PI will shoot this down if im wrong but i doubt it.

that's an excellent description of the differences in general terms!! I know my relationship with my OH thrives on the amount of things we disagree on and the colourful debates/arguments we have- while it is frustrating to sometimes not have your OH see your point of view, it would be far more disatisfying to have your OH agree with absolutely everything you say, never challenge you on anything just to avoid confrontation. That type of "niceness" is not attractive.

onlyrocknroll

Hey OP.
Can I ask, is being rejected or criticised for being "too nice" an on-going trend or pattern in your life, or was it just this girl who has done this?

I ask because I think that soul searching on the basis of one comment isn't really a good idea. Everybody's different, as you can plainly see from the posts above, and what some women find an attraction in a man others find a turn off.

Maybe she finds being nice a bad quality (I disagree with the posters above who said that she must be just letting you down gently, how could anyone judge that from just reading this thread?), but most women don't. It would be a shame to change something positive about yourself because of one person's taste.

Having said that, if this seems to be a regular occurrence , than maybe you should consider whether your too self effacing or unassertive. If that's a problem for you, you should work on it. Not just for the sake of keeping girlfriends, but also for the sake of your own happiness.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think girls particularly don't like guys who pretend to be nice to cover up for other flaws

Ickle Magoo

As advice is low on the ground and that is the purpose of this forum, rather than a general discussion forum, I'm locking this thread.

OP, feel free to PM me if you have an issue that requires advice and wish the thread re-opened for that purpose. :cool: