Does how much you are attracted to OH diminish with time?

monty1978

OK, at Xmas my OH came home (he works abroad) and one day I was saying that I was so full from the Xmas eating that the next day I might try and eat normal again ore eat less.
He said 'yeah, well you need to'.
I was astonished at this and asked what did he mean, and he said that I had put on weight.
Now, this may have been true but it was only 1/2 stone, which IMO is hardly anything, and told him so.
He went on to say 'so what, you're over 100kgs now' with a really disgusted look on his face (I am a big girl already and was the same weight when we married).
So, I went on to say to him 'But, I'm still curvy!' (he has always told me that he doesn't like 'skinny' women but likes big curvy women).
His reply was that no I am not curvy anymore, I am just straight down (not true BTW).
So all in all, I took this as he isn't attracted to me anymore.
I left it at that at Xmas as I didn't want to cause any arguments as my family were there.
This really affected my confidence and self esteem. It caused me to be really upset, so much so, that I was crying and couldn't sleep most nights for a month.
I finally contronted him about it a month later over Skype (I just couldn't take the tiredness anymore) as he's back at work now.
His reaction to me was one of shouting and telling me its not his fault i put on weight. We had it out on the phone anyway and I had to ask him pointedly, many times, if he was attracted to me or not. His answer after being asked at least 3 times was that he was.
Later after he had calmed down he went on to say that attractivness diminishes with time anyway and is replaced by a more deeper love.
My question is: How can you have a relationship with someone and not feel attracted to them? How can you sleep with someone while you are not attracted to them? Any opinions?

Oryx

When youre with someone and love them, you can see that they arent perfect but it doesnt matter. Noone except Angelina Jolie has a partner who actually looks like Brad Pitt, but we love our other halves, anyway. Love and affection makes you see past any imperfection as if it isnt there.

But we are attracted to someone physically too. We all have physical characteristics which we find appealing in another person. Its what gets you hooked up with someone else intially. Over time these physical things can change, but the relationship you have built means you see the whole person, not just the things that attracted you in the first place. You should have solid feelings to take the place of crazy lust, so that you can still have a solid, loving, relationship when the fizz dies down.

Problems occur in a relationship when either your feelings change, or the other person changes so significantly their partner cant see past it. Yours doesnt sound like a significant change, so you really need to figure out whats on your husbands mind at the moment. Maybe the long distance relationship is hard on him, for instance. He sounds like a guy who can be honest, so allow him to tell you honestly whats up. If its just what he says, that he feels the attraction has waned, then you deal with that between the two of you.

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP,

If you ask someone are they still attracted to you they will ALWAYS say yes. But it doesn't mean anything. It's a very rare person who has the heart to say 'no'. If he looked disgusted then that is not a good sign either.

So, I went on to say to him 'But, I'm still curvy!' (he has always told me that he doesn't like 'skinny' women but likes big curvy women).

Oh OP, I really think this is something men say to bigger women. I've been big and small. When I'm a size 8-10 I get the best reaction from partners or men in general, yet when I'm a 12 I get told they 'love a bit of meat' -I think men will often say what they think women want to hear.

So don't put any store in that 'curvy' crap OP. Because it's a little white lie.

As you havbe sussed yourself, he is struggling with feeling attracted. He loves you but is losing attraction.

Now loads of people will say 'if he loves you he won't care what you look like' -but again OP, this is not true. People are attracted to what they like, they can't help what they are attracted to.

It's very difficult to tell someone you are going off them. I think in his own way he is trying to. The anger and aggression he is showing is the wrong way to go about it though. But it's very difficult to know the right way.

People will always say too, but appearance changes over time. What about when a partner gets older/wrinkly etc. Wrinkles and ageing are not something we can control but weight is.

If you can why not try to lose a bit of weight. 100 kg is 15 stone 10 pounds. That is quite big. Even a stone or two would make a lot of difference. To you as well.

monty1978

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Just want to point out that I am not 100kgs!:eek:
I am closer to 82kgs, which is still heavy, I know.
I am trying to lose weight but find it incredibly difficult, thats not an excuse though. I did it before so i am sure i can do it again

IrishEyes19

I'd forget the whole weight issue for a moment and just be annoyed at why he was so rude to you. If he has issues with your weight, fair enough but I don't see why he had to be so blunt and nasty about it. Sounds like he has other things going on other than this

MsHolloway

absolutely agree with irisheyes.

The issue for me would be how he went about it, there are many ways to get a point across without being so critical and insensitive. The fact that you were astonished leads me to believe hes not normally like that. Does he critize you like that about other things?

Sounds like maybe something was on his mind. Personally I would be telling my OH that that wasn't on. If something else is going on with him, not to take it out on me, and/or if its a case that he thought I had put on weight, and wanted to let me know he thought I should lose some, then to go about it in a more respectful way.

LegacyUser

I just want to share my experiences here. I started going out with my current girlfriend just over a year ago. She looks drastically different than she did at the start of our relationship. Once we said we were boyfriend and girlfriend her healthy eating regime went completely out the window. She's gained a lot of weight in the last few months. She was curvy to begin with but now she's just plain fat. Also, she cut her hair very short recently to try and look like one of her favourite celebs. All her female friends keep telling her how gorgeous she looks but nothing could be further from the truth.

Problem is I'm just not attracted to her anymore. We're very close and I care about her a lot but the change in her appearance has just killed the spark for me. I just don't have the heart to tell her this. Shes been hinting about moving in together recently (which is a nice idea coz I hate living with my folks) but there's now way I can give this any serious consideration till I resolve this - Either by me sorting it out in my own head or by her making a bit more effort taking care of herself.

What worries me a lot is that I dont know if we can have a future together if I cant see her for who she is so to speak - if her change in appearance is having such an effect on me when we're reasonably young what are things going to be like when time takes its toll on our looks?

As this relates to your position OP, Id say make an effort. Like it or not he does have a stake in your appearance and that works both ways. If your relationship is to be salvaged, hes going to have to fix this problem in his own head and that will take a lot of mental effort and work on his part so at least try make it a bit easier on him.

Stella2010

That's not a nice way to treat anybody really. It should have been an adult discussion not a barb.
I assume as he has been away working the weight gain is more noticeable to him than it is to you. You know how it is when you do not see someone for a while.

I think it's only human nature that if people change appearance quite a bit then yes the attraction diminishes. You are not the person they were attracted to in the 1st place - and that is hard to get round - I've been there a few times with previous partners who let themselves go .

May sound harsh but instead of crying at night etc why don't you do something to change it ? Join the gym , get a personal trainer or even a home DVD and let him see you are trying to do something about it.
You will also feel better for it yourself too.

Azureus

I dont mean to sound harsh OP and depending on your height 82kg isnt massive by any means, but at least your partner was honest with you! He didnt say he wasnt attracted to you, he says he definately is, but that you have put on weight and youre heavier than before. This is fact. Now, he could have gone about it a nicer way, but now that you know the truth you cna do something about it. Im not saying you should lose weight to keep him happy but I do think that a level of maintenance in our looks is essential for both guys and girls in a relationship.

A few years ago I got up to 11stone and Im a shortass so that was quite big for me! Now im down to 8.5 and the reason? Cuz my mam turned around and said to me ' youd wanna get your ass down the gym, youve put on loads of weight!' Did it hurt? Yes. Did it work? Yes!

Now my boyfriend put on a good bit of weight last year and I told him. I was still atrracted to him but its a slippery slope. Because of me saying it to him, he got back in shape. Honesty id the best policy, even if it is a lil hard to swallow.

Good Luck

Shivers26

Your weight aside, I think your husband was quite mean and rude to you. I don't think that is any way to talk to someone you love.

There is more than just weight/size that makes you attracted to someone. I understand that working abroad can add stress to a relationship so maybe there is a deeper issue going on here?

How do you feel about your body type in general? If you are happy with your figure then get that confidence back! If you are unhappy with your weight then you can address that in your own way.

I am with my OH 6 years and I am more attracted to him now than I ever was. He has seen me at my best and worst, weight fluctuating, pregnant, crazy morning hair etc and he always tells me how attracted he is to me.