Jealousy

FayeRayRay

Hi all. So Me and my OH share a lot of the same friends so we always go on nights out together with all our friends. I know I shouldn't but I get mad when he says hes going out without me because I invite him to everything.

Am I alone on this one ?

Any advice ?

It's important for you both to have your own time out with friends, so it's good he goes out without you and you should do the same

listermint

bluewolf wrote: »

It's important for you both to have your own time out with friends, so it's good he goes out without you and you should do the same

Take this as gospel, I used to get hastle of my ex for going out with friends for my own time alone. Needless to say it was one of the reasons she is now my ex. Everyone needs to have some time of their own.

I would never have given out to her for going out to enjoy herself, but to be honest she came across as quite selfish as I was not allowed to go anywhere and when she went somewhere I had to come.

krudler

Time apart is just as important as time together imo, if it was a constant thing where you both never did anything together on nights out it'd be an issue, but he's entitled to nights out with friends, and so are you. Maybe dont invite him to everytihng from now on? he can hardly get mad if he does the same. you're both entitled to your own space as well.

metrovelvet

He is going to resent you if you make a big stink about this.

You can accept this or learn the hard way that it is disrespectful to the person to try to control them. It does you no harm for him to have time with his friends away from the relationship.

Let there be space in your togetherness.

FayeRayRay

I never hassle him about it, i just say enjoy yourself. I know I am being silly I dunno why i feel like this.

Count Duckula

I had an ex-girlfriend who insisted I come on all her nights out, and would get very upset if I didn't. I think she liked to show me off to her friends. I don't mean that in the sense I'm stunningly attractive, but that she wanted everyone to see she had a boyfriend ("look how NORMAL I am. I have a boyfriend! I'm taken everyone, look! Look at my boyfriend! LOOK AT ME AND MY BOYFRIEND."). In reverse, she expected me to take her out with me whenever I went out with friends. I think there was a little bit of jealousy that I wanted to do something without her, but mainly I think she felt I should feel the same way about "showing her off" as she did me.

Needless to say, it drove me bonkers. You both need your own space with your own friends. That's not to say your friends can't be mutual, at least to a certain extent, but both people in the relationship will, sometimes, just want to go out with their friends and not their partner. Time apart just makes the time together all the more valuable!

pollypocket10

I think I can kind of see where you are coming from and your situation isn't as black & white because you share the same group of friends.

It's not that he is going out for some time with HIS friends because it's a shared group of friends. I think anyone would feel a bit upset if they were excluded from a night out with their friends, probably even more so if you feel your OH as the one who is excluding you.

It's always going to be a bit more difficult for you to get that time apart when you are part of the same group but when you find yourself feeling upset just remember it's not an attempt to exclude you, just your BF getting some "me" time. Be sure you get some me time for yourself too!

Count Duckula

I think it's also an important point - though hard to put in practice sometimes - that your friends shouldn't all be mutual, to prevent exactly this happening. By all means get along well with his, and have him get along well with yours, but there should be friends there that are specifically yours, or specifically his. That way, if he's out with "his" friends, you won't feel jealous. You're not being excluded as they're not really your friends - just people you'll get on with perfectly well when you do go.

On the same token, you should be able to spend nights out with your friends that he doesn't come on. You get your "me" time, and no one ends up feeling excluded.

krudler

Count Duckula wrote: »

I had an ex-girlfriend who insisted I come on all her nights out, and would get very upset if I didn't. I think she liked to show me off to her friends. I don't mean that in the sense I'm stunningly attractive, but that she wanted everyone to see she had a boyfriend ("look how NORMAL I am. I have a boyfriend! I'm taken everyone, look! Look at my boyfriend! LOOK AT ME AND MY BOYFRIEND."). In reverse, she expected me to take her out with me whenever I went out with friends. I think there was a little bit of jealousy that I wanted to do something without her, but mainly I think she felt I should feel the same way about "showing her off" as she did me.

Needless to say, it drove me bonkers. You both need your own space with your own friends. That's not to say your friends can't be mutual, at least to a certain extent, but both people in the relationship will, sometimes, just want to go out with their friends and not their partner. Time apart just makes the time together all the more valuable!

I could have written that word for word based on one of my exes, she was the "meet my friends,you better get on with all of them, and you're coming for dinner every weekend my parents expect it" type. now theres nothing wrong with being included in someones life in that way, but if its a constant "but you HAVE to come!" thing, nope, massive, WW2 air raid warning sirens going off there.

Have also been on the opposite side where I was never invited on any nights out and didnt even meet the other persons family after being together for months, so neither situation is ideal, but a compromise is definitely needed, its nice to spend nights out as a couple with friends but you need you lads/girlie nights out as well.they're different experiences and you act differently with your friends than you do with your other half)

Wibbs

Better here methinks

G86

krudler wrote: »

.

Have also been on the opposite side where I was never invited on any nights out and didnt even meet the other persons family after being together for months, so neither situation is ideal, but a compromise is definitely needed, its nice to spend nights out as a couple with friends but you need you lads/girlie nights out as well.they're different experiences and you act differently with your friends than you do with your other half)

+1, you really need to have a balance. OP, maybe you're one of those people who love being part of a couple 24/7, and that's fine - but you have to realise too that not everyone is like that. Some people place more value on having their own space in a relationship, and having a separate life to their partner as opposed to sharing everything. I definitely don't think you should say anything to him; if you want to invite him on your nights out that's grand, but he shouldn't feel pressurised into doing the same.

Obviously, you don't want to be completely alienated from his personal life, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all - you've said that you often have nights out together. I really don't think you have anything to be getting annoyed about here.

Maple

Moved to RI, apologies OP for bouncing your thread around again.

Maple

IrishEyes19

OP, stop bringing him everywhere. I'd say he's overwhelmed and thats why he doesnt bring you out when he goes out alone, for the simple reason he wants some "guy time" too.

The only thing you're coming across as by getting upset about this is needy and not being able to have a life seperate from your OH sometimes. Things might change drastically if you give him space and perhaps you can both find a balance on when you go out with your friends and together.