Not feeling guilt

LegacyUser

I've been in a relationship for over four years now. I love my partner more than anything, but I've recently cheated.

Long story short - I met the guy I ended up cheating with for the first time a while ago, and we straight away got into a vibe. We were finishing each other's sentences, interrupting each other with the same stories, making each other laugh, etc.

I left that night, because I knew it wasn't a good idea to hang around this guy. Then, about two weeks ago, we met again.

I was so strong from the start. As soon as he walked it, I steeled myself, and I even interrupted conversations that I was having with him so as to involve other people so that we didn't keep getting into deep chats.

End story is end - we hooked up. T'was great (of course). We hung around later that day and chatted loads, hugged loads (although no more sexual contact after that one night).

Now. I know exactly how I enjoyed that night. I feel awful, in that, if my boyfriend ever finds out what I did, it will hurt him so much and we will probably end. And I want to be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life.

So why don't I feel guilt?

(P.S. - my dad cheated on my mum a lot. I have had chats with both of them (not about this, but generally), and I know my dad treated hook ups as a little thing, but it is a big betrayal of trust. Is it is a mindset thing?)

I'm not looking for excuses for doing what I did. It was a horrible, horrible, wrong thing to do. I just seem to be treating this as something that I can get away with and not accepting the potential consequences. I don't understand my own feelings.

metrovelvet

Because you know its wrong but it didn't feel wrong that's why. In a way its good you don't feel guilt because sometimes the guilt can do more damage than the deed itself.

At the same time you know you did something that your boyfriend wouldnt like and you are hiding it, lying essentially, so that is crime number two, and you might end up feeling guilty about that and the guilt might creep in.

Or you may not feel any guilt whatsover for either of those things. You might just be one of those people who dont feel guilt.

You are not telling your boyfriend because you dont want to deal with his pain. You are also not fully telling him who you are, a girl who cheats and doesnt feel guilt about it, which someone negates his consent in being with you because he doesnt really know the person he is with or what he is opting for. In other words, he thought he bought a banana, but it turns out its an eggplant pretending to be a banana. [Bad analogy but I hope you get what I mean.] And you are also cheating yourself since you have to hide part of who you are from him which means he is loving a fiction of you and not the real you. Some people are happy enough with this kind of set up. Some people arent.

Personally I would not be. OTherwise the world would hold no more value for me than the Dublin Bus Time table.

LegacyUser

Probably because you haven't been caught.
And possibly also because your parents attitude may (subconsciously) make you view things like this as "ok".It's the accepted norm in your Dad's life, and you've never known any other parents, let's face it.Society has told you it's wrong, but you know one of your parents does it, and they've given you all the other tools you need to get through life.
There have been endless threads here from people who are feeling incredible guilt because they cheated, and while they don't want to lose their current OH, are dying inside from hiding something they know is wrong from them.
Personally, I have wobbly moments about my own very long term relationship - in the sense of "am I with the right man, will we be happy for ever" etc (these thoughts worry me sometimes) - and I suffer from incredible guilt on top of the anxiety, simply from even thinking thoughts like this.It's because I love him so much, and I can't help but think that it would hurt him deeply to think that thoughts like that cross my mind (I'm an extreme and slightly odd case!!!)
Anyway, I suspect you're not feeling guilt because you enjoyed it at the time, because you haven't been caught and possibly because your mind, in some part, perceives it as normal and acceptable behaviour (which it's not, by the way, for most people).
That's the best I can come up with.

whatsamsn

NoGuilt wrote: »

.... I just seem to be treating this as something that I can get away with and not accepting the potential consequences. I don't understand my own feelings....

Its pretty simple.
You wanted to sleep with another man >> people dont regret or feel guilty when they do the things they want.
And, as of right now, you have gotten away with it. However, if your partner knew you would have guilt then. Because only then your actions would make you feel bad as you would have destroyed something you like (being with him)

its basic human psychology op.
To be blunt you have a 'flexible conscience' - a nice term to say you do what you want. But only would feel bad if it bit you in the ass. Alot of people have this. But op, its a selfish and foolish thing to do.

LegacyUser

Your parents have failed you and allowed you to think this is 'ok' and 'the norm'.

You are messed up by your parents actions and fail to respond to your badness like a normal person would.

Perhaps your mother didn't react much to your father's cheating?

Whatever the case, you don't love or deserve to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend. There is no way you would do this to him if you loved him or wanted to spend your life with him, you seem to have a lot of issues in your mind and need to work through those and start being realistic with yourself.

I love my boyfriend. I want to spend my life with him. Never in a million years would I do ANYTHING to risk messing that up. I couldn't live with the guilt. I couldn't handle deceiving him.

Beruthiel

NoGuilt wrote: »

And I want to be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life.

Why do you want to be with him for the rest of your life? You don't respect him, or care enough about him to be faithful.
You should let him go so he has the chance to find someone who can give him all that he needs.

Wagon

You don't feel guilt because you don't love your boyfriend. You only like having someone there who cares about you, but you don't love him for the person he is. You might not even like him anymore if you are just cheating on him happily.

So break up with him and let him find someone else. To make the getting over you process faster, tell him you cheated on him. You'll be the bad guy (which you are) but at least you'll have come away with enough dignity to say that you gave him all the information and leave him with no reason to hang on to any hope.

If you don't do that then you're a really crappy person. Simple.

Darlughda

Hi OP,

If you want to be told you are a horrible, horrible crappy person who doesn't deserve your boyfriend, in order to induce feelings of guilt, you have come to the right place.

This Relationship Issues forum of Boards should be retitled Crucify Cheaters. ie.

Anyway, your question is why don't you feel guilty?
Do you normally feel guilty about things?

Maybe the cheating crucifiers are right and you are a crappy person who has an inability to feel remorse? Somehow, I don't think you would put your head in the guillotine by posting here to ask your question if this was the case. Are people really so black and white anyway?

Are you really sure your boyfriend is the one for you?
What struck me about your post was the connection you seemed to have with this other guy. He wasn't just some randomer who had a nice ass or whatever. Finishing each other's sentences suggests more than just a physical spark.

Also, maybe it is possible that you somebody who is not suited to traditional, conventional monogamy. There are couples who have open relationships, obviously both parties in the original couple have to be up for this. It might be worth googling Dan Savage, he's an American sex/relationship columnist who talks about this subject in depth. You might get more insight into your situation than you get here.

Don't forget, guilt is also a destructive emotion. People often make more selfish and bad choices when they are consumed by guilt. So, if you are not feeling guilty,at least you can explore this without being clouded by such an emotion.

fungun

OP dont listen to the 'you cheated so you dont love your bf'.

Many people do this and dont know why. Everyone is different and has different expectations and does things for different reasons. Googling will get you lots of it...maybe read up a bit and see if you find something that resonates for you as what it might be for you. Understanding youself is always a good thing.

At the end of the day there are people out there (and more than you might think, esp as you get older) who do not insist on monogamy. I have been in such a reln. Maybe sth like that would suit you. But thats always with clear communication. However if your bf expects monogamy, you cannot go on like this, so either tell him, hide it or really understand what you did and why and then decide what to do....

IrishEyes19

Darlughda wrote: »

Hi OP,

If you want to be told you are a horrible, horrible crappy person who doesn't deserve your boyfriend, in order to induce feelings of guilt, you have come to the right place.

This Relationship Issues forum of Boards should be retitled Crucify Cheaters. ie.

Anyway, your question is why don't you feel guilty?
Do you normally feel guilty about things?

Maybe the cheating crucifiers are right and you are a crappy person who has an inability to feel remorse? Somehow, I don't think you would put your head in the guillotine by posting here to ask your question if this was the case. Are people really so black and white anyway?

Are you really sure your boyfriend is the one for you?
What struck me about your post was the connection you seemed to have with this other guy. He wasn't just some randomer who had a nice ass or whatever. Finishing each other's sentences suggests more than just a physical spark.

Also, maybe it is possible that you somebody who is not suited to traditional, conventional monogamy. There are couples who have open relationships, obviously both parties in the original couple have to be up for this. It might be worth googling Dan Savage, he's an American sex/relationship columnist who talks about this subject in depth. You might get more insight into your situation than you get here.

Don't forget, guilt is also a destructive emotion. People often make more selfish and bad choices when they are consumed by guilt. So, if you are not feeling guilty,at least you can explore this without being clouded by such an emotion.

Totally agree with this!! You're looking for advice, OP, not a public hanging though with some answers one would think different. I think you do feel some form of guilt, if you've come on here. Who can tell if you love your boyfriend or not, we're analysing the whole situation on what you have written! So I wouldnt take anyone's comment that you are selfish, and dont love your bf to heed. As another poster said, life isnt black and white. But maybe the relationship has run its course for you perhaps, its an unfortunate situation, but it happens. Are you happy right now in your relationship, or even more so, were you happy before you cheated?

Peanut2011

Sorry OP, but cheating is never ok. I will always stand by the comment "once a cheater , always a cheater"!

You say you want to spend rest of your life with your OH, but obviously you don't. You are only saying that cos you think that is the right thing to say. How would you feel if your OH done that to you?

IMO you were being very, very selfish and your OH deserves to know what happened. Yes, this might end things and all, but imagine if he found out from someone else or years down the line. It would not make it any better or easier.

Come clean and if your OH is ok to work on your relationship than fine if not accept it and move on. Simple fact that you have no remorse about doing it tells me that you would do it again.

Maybe this time was the click you two had, next time might be just as simple as "he is a bit of a good thing", time after that will be something else.... I'm sure you will have a way to justify it for yourself.

The notion of:

What struck me about your post was the connection you seemed to have with this other guy. He wasn't just some randomer who had a nice ass or whatever. Finishing each other's sentences suggests more than just a physical spark.

What has this got to do with anything?? What is the difference?? Cheating is cheating full stop.

greenprincess

I wouldnt tell your boyfriend but I would end things, I know some ppl will say he needs to know the truth but honestly I dont think he needs the pain. It seems like you have a huge connection to this other guy