Abusive father died

LegacyUser

So, I found out my father died yesterday.
This is the man who beat me, my sister and my mother.
In fact me and my sister used to to try and protect my mother, i guess I was 6 or 7.
My mum killed herself when i was 8
My nan told him to stop beating us and he did, but then he would just scream in our faces, drive me to a childrens home and say thats where he could put me.
I was always terrified of him and left home the first chance i got

Years later, when I married I tried to have a relationship with him but he was still the same bad tempered liable to explode at any moment.

To say he has affected me is an understatement, i am depressive and been on tranqs, panic attacks etc. I also have an explosive bad temper which i am desperate to control so history doenst repeat itself

But now i wonder should i go to the funeral? We havent spoken in 15 years, and hes never bothered to even meet his grandchildren

Do i go or not?

LegacyUser

Well you certainly have no obligation to go if you don't wish to.
Only go if you feel it will help you feel a sense of acceptance that an end has come to the reign this man had in your life.
Consider carefully if you feel you could later regret it or if it could hinder your coping and recovering process.
If you feel it will be like finally closing the chapter on a horrible period of your life it could be beneficial.
If you have no wish to go, and feel it will only make you angrier or bring back too many painful memories then don't go and don't feel bad about it.

star-pants

As said above, only you know if it's something you want to do, and you do have to consider would you regret it in future?
I had a close friend in a scarily similar position, her & her sister were luckily taken away from their dad by their mother, but only after years of abuse to all of them.
She wanted nothing to do with him, got on with her life (hard as it was), had a baby and was living her life. One day he died, and she too had to make the decision whether to go or not. She decided to go, because (what she said to me) at the end of the day he was her father, perv/abusive/alcoholic/whatever, but still her father and she wanted whatever closure she could get (given she would never have the chance again to speak to him about what he'd done).

Not saying that's what you should do at all - just giving you someone elses' experience in a similar situation. She felt very odd indeed over it, I can only imagine the twisted feelings inside of what was right/wrong, what to feel.

If you think it would maybe benefit you one day, by going to his funeral then go, but if you really don't want to or think it would just set you back, then don't. And don't feel guilty for not going. You also don't have to go to the whole thing, you can always just go to where he's being buried (if he is being buried), even after people have left if you want your own space.

I've seen what my friend went through, what he put her through and I don't know that in her position I'd have gone to the funeral. But we're all different and can only do what we feel is right inside.

kerryman12

cccccccddddddd wrote: »

Well you certainly have no obligation to go if you don't wish to.
Only go if you feel it will help you feel a sense of acceptance that an end has come to the reign this man had in your life.
Consider carefully if you feel you could later regret it or if it could hinder your coping and recovering process.
If you feel it will be like finally closing the chapter on a horrible period of your life it could be beneficial.
If you have no wish to go, and feel it will only make you angrier or bring back too many painful memories then don't go and don't feel bad about it.

+1 covers all the bases I think

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you're gonna go think about taking a close friend/partner with ya for support. Might be harder alone

aidan24326

With all due respect OP, he sounds like the kind of man that deserves to have nobody at his funeral, and he certainly doesn't deserve to have you or your siblings there.

But only you can decide really if it's something you want to do or not. There are reasons for and against it but if I was in your shoes, fwiw I think I'd stay away.

eddison

Hi OP


Sorry to hear of such terrible difficulties. Cruelty towards children or anyone is disgraceful and shameful.
Should you go to the funeral?
IMHO, Yes you should go. BUT NOT FOR HIM! you should go as this funeral symbolic. With his burial is buried your anger, and fear. If you see him going into the ground maybe some of the hurt, fear, anger and so on will be gone and buried with him. You will never know unless you go. You may decide to start from the beginning, a new life, and walk away from the dead and buried past, who knows?

kevin99

It is a personal decision as others have said.

Only go if you think it brings closure to your relationship.

Are other relatives still alive?

No harm in letting them know, if the don't already know, what this guy was like as a father to his children and his wife.

I hate funerals. Especially when you hear people saying how nice and decent the deceased was. And when they were alive they were the greatest so and sos living.

gossipgal08

Go If only to make sure.

Skyuser

I wouldn't anyway and if I did it would only be to spit on the grave.

boobar

Confused Son wrote: »

So, I found out my father died yesterday.
This is the man who beat me, my sister and my mother.
In fact me and my sister used to to try and protect my mother, i guess I was 6 or 7.
My mum killed herself when i was 8
My nan told him to stop beating us and he did, but then he would just scream in our faces, drive me to a childrens home and say thats where he could put me.
I was always terrified of him and left home the first chance i got

Years later, when I married I tried to have a relationship with him but he was still the same bad tempered liable to explode at any moment.

To say he has affected me is an understatement, i am depressive and been on tranqs, panic attacks etc. I also have an explosive bad temper which i am desperate to control so history doenst repeat itself

But now i wonder should i go to the funeral? We havent spoken in 15 years, and hes never bothered to even meet his grandchildren

Do i go or not?

Confused Son,

Having read this, I feel nothing but respect and admiration for you. If there was a way of willing good luck into someone's life, I would do it for you right now and give you everything that you ever dreamt of.

I can not imagine how difficult things have been in your life with the passing of your mother and now your father. The torment you suffered was horrendous, yet you still tried to develop and strengthen the relationship with him when you married. I really think this shows how good a person you are.

In answer to your question, I think it is up to you. If it would upset you to go I think everyone here would agree that you've been through enough and you have to think of yourself.

I think you are very strong acknowledging that you wish to control your own temper so that history doesn't repeat itself. I'm not surprised that you have a temper considering your past, and I commend you for taking action to make sure that it doesn't affect your life.

Take care of yourself. Good luck to you.

poozers

eddison wrote: »

Hi OP


Sorry to hear of such terrible difficulties. Cruelty towards children or anyone is disgraceful and shameful.
Should you go to the funeral?
IMHO, Yes you should go. BUT NOT FOR HIM! you should go as this funeral symbolic. With his burial is buried your anger, and fear. If you see him going into the ground maybe some of the hurt, fear, anger and so on will be gone and buried with him. You will never know unless you go. You may decide to start from the beginning, a new life, and walk away from the dead and buried past, who knows?

I think this is absolutely wonderful advice!!! this could be even be life changing. But I would also advise you to see a councellor (if you have not done so already)...just to talk to someone about the difficulties you've faced over all these years, they dont judge and give all their concentration and attention to you. And you should also be extremely proud of yourself too for living your own life, getting married and having kids! and maybe even join a local sports team (rugby perhaps) to channel the anger you feel inside and to release some frustration... Good Luck OP and I know everything will work out for you in the end.

LegacyUser

OP,

I was in a somewhat similar situation and I don't envy you the decision because it's a tough one! In the end I decided I wasn't strong enough to deal with the other people I would meet at the funeral (my father's family, friends, etc) and didn't go. However, I have since been to visit his grave. I found this hugely helpful and it did help give me closure on the whole sorry mess and put it behind me.

Take care of yourself and don't underestimate the impact this might have on you - you need to look after yourself at this tough time...