Violent porn addiction!

LegacyUser

I am a 25 year old gay male and I am happy with my sexuality. I have an addiction to violent porn all legal ages just so you know. I just imagine myself being the guy giving the beating and I love it because it makes me feel powerful and that I can control someone. I was sexual and phycialy abused as a child by an older man and this is how I find I am dealing with this. I would like to ad that I would never ever do anything to a child!
Advice?

Morag

So you think you maybe a sadist. It's a well known kink and there is nothing wrong with it as long as if you act on it that it is in a Safe, Sane and Consentual manner. What you have discribed turns many people on and it's up to you if you want to explore this more.

You can talk to a professional to work through the issues from your childhood but I woud also suggest getting invovled with the bdsmkink community and reading and learning as much as you can about this kink.

There is http://www.bdsmireland.org/ which has an email list and there is fetlife.com
which is an international site, with a lot of discussions around tis topic and people who have been where you are and how they dealt with it.

eddison

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about your past, but one thing I noticed about your post is no self pity! this is a tremendous achievement considering what you have been through.
The poster Sharrow is very wise. I am sure deep down, you do not really wish to hurt someone- not truly? I mean if you were to see them suffer after affects years later, you would not want this.
What you have done is shone light on the situation. You are understanding where this is coming from [your past] and that is very important.
Hurt ones who do not face the past in this way, but suffer something similar tend to result in the abuse coming out in a highly negative way. You are releasing it, in a positive way, if you take Sharrow's advice.
To come here and ask for help is real strength, and courage, considering the subject. I would be delighted if you could you explain more about how you feel?

LegacyUser

Hi! Thanks guys for the advice.
I would never hurt anyone I only seem to be hurting myself if I am spending hours every day looking up porn and it really eating up time. I find that I am watching this porn and pretending that I am doing this to my abuser in my head because I am just so angry with him. In the last few weeks I have barely eaten or slept. I was abused for over a years of my life sexual and physical.

eddison

Hi OP,


You know a funny thing about life is that we tend to become what or who we have strong emotions for. For instance children who love their parents, emulate them. The same tends to go for hate or anger too. People who hate a person tend to become the person whom they hate. This is what you seem to recognise- that you ''are doing this to my abuser''.
But what is the use of this knowledge? Well if you hate, then be careful you don't end up being the person you hate !
This is how an abuser gains some type of control. Try to loose the anger- thats is easy for me to say, but is it good to keep it? What is it doing to you? Wean yourself away from the images you are looking at slowly. Set a time limit on the amount of images you look at. Try to get into meditation. But I highly recommend talking to the sacred heart. That is if you believe. Ask him to help you, but look for the answer! this is most important. You will be shocked to your very foundations if you do this, let me warn you!! He WILL help. But one must ask.
Your abuser was probably abused himself?? You can stop being angry now, or next year, or 5 years, or 10 years, or 40 years. The choice is yours... But if you do not decide to loose the anger, and hurt, then it will NEVER go away by itself. You must choose to let it go, or keep it. If you are going to keep it, then say - yes, I am not done with being angry- I am going to remain angry. This is good, as you are actually making a decision, rather than being ruled by your emotions, and have no choice. Choosing to keep the hate/anger means that it is you who are in control, and not your abuser.

Morag

cranberry2000 wrote: »

Hi! Thanks guys for the advice.
I would never hurt anyone I only seem to be hurting myself if I am spending hours every day looking up porn and it really eating up time. I find that I am watching this porn and pretending that I am doing this to my abuser in my head because I am just so angry with him. In the last few weeks I have barely eaten or slept. I was abused for over a years of my life sexual and physical.

Then I suggest you get professional help asap.
http://www.rcni.ie/male-survivors.aspx
http://www.oneinfour.ie/support/

Bottle_of_Smoke

Isn't abuse porn illegal now? possibly just toward women but best be careful

LegacyUser

I am going to try and give up porn. I have major problems in my head and it is like my head is in a spin. I might come across as angry hear but ever one who know's me wouldn't say that they see me a nice quite guy who wouldn't kill a fly. All this anger is in my head and I just don't know how to express it.

Maple

I don't think porn is the issue OP, the issue is the abuse and the residual feelings an experience like that would leave you with. Watching this porn is the outlet you currently need to process this experience but it's not working as something "healthy" for you and is instead impacting negatively on your life. It's keeping you in the experience instead of helping you heal and move on.

I would really urge you to seek counselling, you deserve to be happy.

eddison

Hi OP,

I am sure you are aware of counselling services and so on. Counselling is difficult as it is easy to think the counsellor will judge, or just simply not understand. But there are people that have suffered abuse, and it does nto affect them now, who also do counselling. would a person such as this help? If so, then seek out such a person with similar experience as yourself, who can help and advise you. Maybe a guy who suffered like you but has learned to be happy. There are people like this out there.
You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be angry with the person who hurt you. But is this hurting you too? Maybe you should focus on you, and only you, as the special person you are. But minute by minute, day after day. I am sure you can think of lots of thing and areas to direct your anger if you want to. Maybe you could choose something less destructive?