Thinking negative thoughts

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just looking for advice/peoples opinions about this. Try not to be too hard on me as this is really getting me down. In recent years, say 2 or 3, i've found myself having negative thoughts about people, ie i'd be just talking to someone, a friend or whatever and a negative thought about them could just pop into my head, could be about their personality or physical appearance or something. These can be people I genuinely care about and respect, so whats wrong with me?

I have never considered myself one of those shallow bitchy girls but now i'm starting to think maybe that's the way I am. I am an open minded person and have a diverse range of friends from all walks of life so I don't know where this comes from. I really dislike this part of me, can someone advise how to stop this?

Reading this I must sound like a teenager but i'm actually in my twenties. Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

I think this issue boils down to how much you believe in these negative thoughts, what you do with them, and how they make you feel. Do you really believe the thoughts you have? Or are they just ridiculous things that pop into your head? Do you tell others about these negative thoughts and bitch? Do you feel guilty when thinking about these thoughts or do they make you feel anxious? Answer those first.. I don't think you're a horrible person.. but I'd need a bit of info first!

eddison

Hi OP,

Are you afraid of fear? This phrase is a little confusing, so let me explain. You have these thoughts that are negative, but when you are afraid of having the thoughts, then you give them power. The more you resist, the bigger they get? So one becomes afraid of the fear itself, the fear of having the thoughts.
But how do we stop this? You sound like a person with a strong conscience. Therefore a good person.
The above poster is spot on.
Question:
Can you stop having a thought? In my humble opinion, you cannot prevent a thought coming into your mind. But it is WHAT YOU DO WITH THE THOUGHT that counts.
Say a negative thought comes into your head about a person, now you have a choice- to accept this thought, or to reject it.
If you accept it, you accept the judgement of the negative though on the person. So next time a negative thought comes into your head, ask yourself 'do I accept that or reject this thought about this person' Look for the good also in people. Every time you have a negative thought about a person, think about their good points !
Then there is the words 'let it be'. What these mean is simply that 'allow the thought to be'. If a negative thought occurs, then just say- yeah, ok, fine, whatever, right, ok, yah. This does not mean accepting the judgement of the thought, but merely not fighting. You are letting the thought 'be' . And gently moving on. Practice keeping your mind 'silent'. This is very useful in other areas of your life too.
Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks guys for your responses. I'll try and give a bit more info, basically no I wouldn't voice these thoughts to anyone, sure i'd come across as a right bitch. I'm not sure where this stems from I used to suffer from anxiety/panic attacks so not sure if it's linked. Some times the thoughts are rubbish and other times I believe some of them on some level if i'm honest. Like one I had about a friend I know, thinking she can be a bit rough some times the way she carries on (from stories she's told me). I've always been a person who's bottled a lot of stuff up, due to family issues etc so maybe that's something to do with it. I also have to hold my hand up and say I have given out about people friends etc which is not something i'm proud of, but not about shallow stuff like above, like if they did something to hurt me. Or if I was in a nightclub and some girl was basically naked going around I might say something to my friend, maybe I am two faced or something, who knows.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Just been thinking about this post and i'm afraid I might be slightly narcissistic or something.

extra-ordinary_

Sounds to me like you're unhappy. Find out the source of your unhappiness.

LegacyUser

I have had a really tough few years but most of the stuff that have upset me have been resolved. It's like after all the crap i'm just left feeling empty or something, not feeling very nice about things and like i'm not able to love life or people as much, like I am lacking emotions or something. Sorry I know i'm probably rambling it's hard to put in to words though. Put it this way my life has been tough for a long time (i'm not looking for sympathy in case it comes accross this way) and i've always had the ability to be positive and strong and look to the future, I would be able to enjoy life on a daily basis, even though i'd have bad days here and there and still had issues to an extent. Now it's like i'm going through the motions still keeping tell myself the future will be brighter, but don't really feel like myself or happy that much along the journey, don't know if that makes any sense.

I also did somethings i'm not proud of and that are out of character for me and have a habit of being awful hard on myself. Some years back a relative of mine did a terrible thing and I got all caught up in it in my head and started to think I was like them, this resulted in self hatred calling myself terrible names, a suicide attempt, panic attacks, Xanax, anti-depressants.

How do I get back to being the warm, loving, bubbly person I am or used to be?

LegacyUser

I sometimes fall into that kind of thinking if I'm a bad mood or even just run down and tired. It's an easier mode to operate on than being open-hearted and sympathetic, and kind of a self indulgent guilty pleasure.

David Foster Wallace gave a good speech about negative/positive thinking that's worth a read http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2008/sep/20/fiction

eddison

Hi unknown friend,

Would it be fair to say self hatred was the cause of- feeling empty or something, not feeling very nice about things, not able to love life or people, lacking emotions ?

So when you had more self love, even as a child, then you didn't have the above problems?

I recommend listening to what posters say on this forum, and read all. The answers are there, if you really look, and read, and not simply skip through the kind advice provided by others. That to me would be the first step to go back to being warm, and happy, and bubbly- listen to others.

Listening is a very underrated quality, but it is said that listening, directly develops a higher intellect. Thats the hidden meaning behind the saying- empty vessels make more noise. Listening makes one clever.

Are you a little self obsessed? If you agree that self hatred is the cause of lifelessness, then its opposite should be the cause of happiness- true?
The opposite of self hatred is of course- Self love.

Now imagine if you had self love, what would it be like? can you imagine this? You may see a picture of warmth and love radiating from inside to out. People would see this, and instantly respond, with love back to you.

You see viscous circles also work the other way. Instead of destruction leading to more destruction, in a viscous circle, Love also has its viscous circle, except it wouldn't be called viscous. Love is a spiral more than a circle though.

What I am saying is self love leads to more self love, and others loving you too. People don't like being around a self hating person, because they align themselves to the hated one, and feel hateful towards themselves. They then don't feel good, and try to avoid the self hating person, as they make them feel bad.

The self loved one however is different in that people become in tune with that, and feel self love for themselves. They begin to love themselves when they are around you. this makes them feel good, and they then like to be around you all the time.
The Master Christ had this self love, and people begged to be in his presence. Can you do this also? Of course you can, and only you. Start with believing in yourself- I can love myself.. can you? Admitting this is the first step. You are full of love, thats they way we are made. Look at babies, none of them would be self hating. So you did this once, and you can do it again.

How you got this way was through constant chipping away at yourself with negative thoughts. How you fix this is the same process, except with positive thoughts. The process is the same.


Start also with the small things- Do you have any kindness? do you have any skills in business life? Have you any social skills? are you creative? Artistic? good at writing music, or stories? Are you good with money? do you have a good conscience? do you care about the world? are you caring IOW? Can you make anything? What other skills do you have? Are you good at organising things, like a good organiser? are you a good actor in life? Are you an environmentalist? Animal lover? Like children? Are you a good speaker? are you helpful? Respectful? Noble? Now few people have all qualities, and these are the ones which are most important.

The negative qualities are very important, as if you ignore them, they will never be fixed.

There are thousands of qualities, and you have ignored them AT THE MOMENT, and now find yourself at this juncture. We are responsible for ourselves. After we got to 18, we lost the right to blame parents, or other people, unless we like to act as victims. The power in is us, we are Gods/Godesses have you not been told this already?

Write the answer to these and dozens of other questions down- that is if you are serious about fixing this issue. List all the good points, and bad points down- a full appraisal of your whole personality. Take a week or two to do this, but no longer. This is called the black and white mirror of the soul. Now you can start to work on the bad points, and also develop the good points.

Concentrate all the time during the day, every day, without expectations on all your good points. Minute by minute, hour by hour. If you are kind, then say it- I am kind, or I am good at business, or art etc etc. But never say these truths in a stale way, merely repeating them. You must mean them truly, and sincerely.

Especially good is to repeat at night before sleep, when your subconscious is closest to your conscious, and the truths go deeper to your mind- try 40 times in the morning, and 40 times in the evening, for each particular truth. This requires work- it is not easy work, but it is not hard either. No self pity under any circumstance. You will be shocked in a few months of how you have grown.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

Eddison - I don't know if it's self hatred, like I wouldn't change who I am or anything. Think i've lost my mojo or something, if that makes sense. Your post was very helpful. I will read it and read it again when I get a quiet minute. You're right have to work on my thinking pattern, just so hard to change.

Start also with the small things- Do you have any kindness? do you have any skills in business life? Have you any social skills? are you creative? Artistic? good at writing music, or stories? Are you good with money? do you have a good conscience? do you care about the world? are you caring IOW? Can you make anything? What other skills do you have? Are you good at organising things, like a good organiser? are you a good actor in life? Are you an environmentalist? Animal lover? Like children? Are you a good speaker? are you helpful? Respectful? Noble? Now few people have all qualities, and these are the ones which are most important.

I do have kindness. I used to be quite arty and creative but don't need really do anything like that so much anymore, might get back into it. I'm terrible with money, lol. I know you don't necessarily want answers to these questions but it helps to get stuff out there. I think I have a good conscience, if not too much sometimes, that's a lot of whats led me to where I am now I think, I feel guilt over the smallest things and make them into things bigger than they are. I am always doing things for my family so I suppose I am helpful, though I haven't been doing it with a good heart lately as they totally take advantage and if I lend them money for example they are never in a rush to pay it back and I don't even get a thanks.

I've been going out with the most wonderful guy, he's caring, sweet, has a GSOH, he's cute. I've told him I love him but i'm not sure if I do, or if i've ever really loved a bf. Sometimes I think he's the most wonderful fella on the planet and I could spend forever with him and other times I do think I'm not really even attracted to him. And I question what other people might think of him? I just think that's really selfish of me to have told him I loved him etc and to be thinking these thoughts about do I fancy him, that' really shallow like. This does make sense to anyone? Sorry for all the self indulgent waffle but i'm trying to work on myself and need to get all this fuzziness out of my head.

sdfaesfwefadf - Thanks so much for that link, I will have a proper read of that, what i've read so far seems dead interesting.

eddison

OP, You asked whats wrong with you? and I don't think there is very much wrong at all.
Your just way too hard on yourself- Give yourself a break !!
Allot of what you said was good, but you don't seem to accept it, and if you do, you say 'I think' that i am helpful, and 'maybe' i am a good person, and 'I suppose' i'm ok.

OP, why do you want to keep knocking the crap out of yourself for? You ARE obviously helpful to your family, so there is no 'suppose' about it. Regarding your family, you have to be cruel to be kind. If they take advantage, then it is YOU who are to blame for letting them. But how do you stop them taking advantage? -easy STOP DOING THAT lol!! Be a bit more streewise. I think you have found out a big area, that you can work on, and that is guilt. This is great, as when you deal with this, you will feel allot better.

We are not responsible for other people. Now this is different if we have caused a person to depend on us, like a child. But regarding adults, we are not responsible for them.

Is your conscience slightly imbalanced? in that it is interfering with too much. A strong conscience is the sign of a highly spiritual person. But manifesting as excessive guilt is not good.

Are you afraid to admit you are a good person, as maybe you think that you will loose humility? Are you afraid of being self obsessed, and narcissistic ?
Would it be fair to say that in life there are two ways we can go, on one side we have excessive humility, leading to insecurity, and on the other side we have excessive vanity leading to arrogance. Not saying you have this OP, just discussing it.. But is the fear of being a vain person leading to excessive humility, and insecurity?
Only you know OP, but if this is true, then the middle path must be found. Can we be humble, AND have self esteem? of course we can, look at a little child, who is loving, are they vain? of course not, so how do they do it? We should always recognise that everyone around us is an expert at something. Maybe it is social skill, maybe art, or a good driver, or good at telling jokes, but everyone is better at something than we are.

However we love ourselves, but knowing that others are equally as good as we are. We are kind, but admit that some are kinder, we use our intellect but understand that some others have a higher intellect. We are humble, but we love ourselves. When we grow spiritually, are we better than those around us? NO we are not, just the same as an adult is not superior to a child, because the adult has more experience. The adult knows more, but is equal, just both are on different levels.

So far, you seem to be a humble person. You appear to have a strong conscience, and therefore highly spiritual. You are a helpful person. You are Artistic, and creative. You are crap with money (we'll get to that!). You are generous (lending money). You are compassionate, with a good heart (read all above). Own these things, take then home, and nurture them. Just like a flower, planted in the ground. Water these seeds every day, and they and you will be happy in this world. Remember a seed needs time to grow- four seasons. Thoughts are like seeds, and the more you nurture them, the more they grow. You can plant good seeds or bad ones, the choice is yours.

Ok, you don't love your BF, so what- you don't love him ha!. Thats ok. Bet if you admit this, you'll find he is more attractive !! But be honset- You don't love him, nothing to be guilty about, and ok so you lied about your feelings, but you see you don't really know if this is true right now. What if he got cancer (God forbid) I bet you would understand your real feelings for him then. So maybe it was true, that you do love him? but who cares? Was it a lie? I mean there HAS to be some love there, true? Maybe its not fatal attraction, but it is love, so you didn't lie anyway!! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.

LegacyUser

Eddison - Thanks again for taken the time to reply. Yeah I guess I would be spiritual I love anything holistic, crystals etc, my bf thinks i'm cracked, lol.

As for "Why I knock the **** out of myself ?" Well basically a relative of mine did some terrible things and I started to think I was like them and started to think i'd done something similar which i've been told by 3 counsellors I haven't and the confusion starts there, I started chipping away calling myself names etc, it was like on some level what he had done lost that shock value in my head which made me think even further that there was definitely something wrong, this was on my mind 24/7 almost like an OCD (sorry for using labels only way I can explain) type thing.

I'm not saying I had no issues before this, but the world was a happier place when I knew I was a good person and liked myself more. Does that make sense? I remember going through similiar processes if i'd did something wrong when I was a child and i'd be terrified of family members finding out to the point of feeling sick. I even made a pact with god when I was 11 that I wasn't going to swear again if they didn't find out. Don't know if the above is relevant but just came to mind.

I have done some things i'm not proud of in the last few years aswell which have made me doubt myself.

Again thanks so much for the replies, it's been really helpful, getting a fresh perspective as no one around me knows any of this is going on.

LegacyUser

It would seem to me that your negative thoughts about other people stem from a self-esteem issue. In other words, you are not fully happy with how you perceive yourself, so you need to feel superior to others in order to get a boost and feel better about yourself. I think this is the real reason why anyone insults or deliberately degrades anyone else. The fact that you do not say it to them and that you feel guilt for thinking it, shows that you are in fact not a bad person and perfectly normal.

chillywilly

Sounds like you are a little insecure about yourself and you are temporarily making yourself feel better by commenting negatively on others. You might need to work on building on your confidence.

wylo

Ill read the thread and reply properly later as I am in a rush but just have to say this...
This happens me when I am feeling very down or depressed, I wouldnt be consciously aware that im in that mood, but my feeling manifests itself in the form of bitterness/negativity(in my mind) towards others. Its only recently I have discovered that it is ALL to do with my own mood. When I am in a really good mood, things that would possibly annoy about someone dont annoy me at all. And vice versa. I have been quite content for the past few months/even years and I have noticed all my negative feelings towards friends/associates/work colleagues are gone.
Your not a horrible person, but you need to find something that will make you happier with yourself. It mightnt be necessarily self esteem, it might just be that you are down or slightly depressed in general. Dont worry if you do something about it, i.e. help yourself to be happier, those feelings will go away.

By the way, its normal to be annoyed with someone, but pointless resentment is a problem within your own self.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. Yeap my self esteem/confidence has taken a bashing, guess that's where I should start.