How can I believe in myself more/be more confident?

LegacyUser

As the title suggests, I have very little self-confidence or self-belief. I don't know why I do, or what happened to make me think this way but I seem to just not-value myself basically. I think the fact that I can see this and I have acknowledged it is a good step and I'm trying to be more confident and have some more belief in my own abilities but I'm not sure how to go about doing that.

To start with, my problems - as with the majority of problems in this forum - are with the opposite sex. I'm 22 (male) and I've had little experience with girls. I've been told I'm a good looking guy by a good few people and while I used to always find a reason to not believe them, lately I am starting to believe it.

I can never seem to get with the girls I like or find attractive - except in maybe one or two situations over the years. I have a serious problem when it comes to this. I don't know what I do but I can never seem to chat up a girl I like successfully, I never even try most of the time. I generally just see her at the other side of the room and I say nothing - I automatically assume she's out of my league and let her go without even trying to introduce myself or what not. Girls I don't find particularly attractive however, I have no problem in attracting them to me. I am going to come across as an ass here no matter what way I put it so I'll try to be short.

Basically - girls I like generally don't like me or I don't know what to say to them at all. I mean at all. My brain just goes dead. I'm sitting here writing this and I feel it should be so easy to have a conversation with them yet when it comes around to it I get cold feet. I just don't know what to say. Girls I have no interest in however, seem to like me. I've had Valentine's cards, my ass pinched, one girl even took my phone and put her number into it, I've been grabbed and gobsmacked by some girl once. There's more too but I can't think of specific situations right now. Not that it matters, I think I get my point across.

I seem to have this inferiority complex where I feel the girls I find attractive don't even know that I exist. The only girl with whom I've had any sort of relationship with, I spent most of our time together wondering "Why is she with me? She could have literally any guy she wanted - why me?". I just could not accept that she liked me for who I am (or was, rather since it's long over).

I can never seem to hold eye contact with anyone. There was one girl I saw in town today who I thought was very good looking and when I looked at her eyes I was shocked to find that she was staring right at me. I held eye contact with her for a split second before I had to look away because I couldn't keep it up anymore. There's something about eye contact that "frightens" me for want of a better word. My heart literally skipped a beat when I met her gaze.

I basically get fidgety, lose eye contact, cross my arms and/or say little when I'm talking to a girl who I'm attracted to whereas if I don't have much interest in another girl I'm probably really flirty or I'm always cracking jokes, talking loads, etc...

I don't know how to start "fixing" this. I'm not an asshole or anything. In fact I'm probably too kind to a fault. I am too considerate of others some times. I always see the good in people, even utter assholes - I think "they're having a bad day" or "they're just taking it out on someone else" or whatever when others would just have no time for them at all.


tl;dr = Can't get with girls I like yet girls I don't like always seem to like me. How do I turn it around?



Anyway, sorry for the long post. Hope everyone read so far. Any advice is much appreciated.

LegacyUser

Take up a sport.

You need physical activity and something you can be passionate about.

Everything else will fall into place

Zen65

Eli Filho wrote: »

Take up a sport.

You need physical activity and something you can be passionate about.

Everything else will fall into place

This advice may not be what you expected, Op, but it's excellent advice. You don't need to be competitive, but you should try to find a physical activity (a sport, a martial art, dance, yoga, etc) where you can explore a different side to yourself. It is best if you take up an activity that involves direct interaction with other people (in the same room as you..... X-Box does not qualify as an activity!!).

If sport isn't your thing, then take up an activity like chess, debating, drama or such like. Something that gets you interacting with other people. Your problems sound like you spend too much time "in your own head".

With more interaction comes greater self-confidence in all aspects of your life.

Be at peace,

Z

eddison

Hi OP,

Are you a little obsessed with the opposite sex? Firstly, when you care about what others think of you, then they control you, they own you. Think of a confident person you know, now would they care what other think of them?

Do women want a guy who is worried about what they think? Do women want a guy who can stand on his own two feet? I would not enter a relationship right now if I was you because you want a woman to fix you, and help you. This is completely wrong reason to be in a relationship. You are too needy. Stop expecting someone to be your mother. Few women want this.
How do you start believing in yourself? by starting to believe in yourself of course !!
Use Auto-suggestion, at night before sleep is the most unusual time. The conscious, and subconscious are very close together- when you are sleepy, and also in the morning. Half awake, and half asleep. This is when you are most susceptible to suggestion.
Now repeat positive phrases, but only ones that are true. Are you good at anything? are you a kind person? are you loving? then start with these.
BUT YOU MUST MEAN THEM. Saying phrases like a robot is worse than useless, as you also loose faith. Concentrate, KEEP YOUR MIND SILENT, and say the phrases 40 times in the morning, and 40 at night. don't think about them during the day. Don't look for results. Loose expectations. Watch your thoughts during the day also, as it is stupid to practice auto-suggestion and for the rest of the day-think you are an idiot. this may take several months, but taken day by day, you will get there. Then you will be filled with joy you have never experienced before.

LegacyUser

+1 on it not necessarily having to be a sport.

Whatever suits your character.

But something which you can become involved in and effectively lends itself to self-improvement, enhancing confidence etc.

I did a little be of drama/acting when I was in college.
It was actually real good fun and great for confidence - gave me something to spend my time thinking about (improving upon/self improving) and it was something I enjoyed.

Lot's of cute girls also.

But I can honestly say, there's few better feelings than doing a session of some kind of physical activity, working up a real good sweat.
Just feel like a new man after.

Keep doing that, and feel your confidence grow.

Sounds like girls think your good looking, but unfortunately, when you don't have confidence and a good sense of yourself, that sort of decreases the over actual attraction.

But by the sounds of things, when you get that sorted, you'll prob be a fully fledged playboy!

LegacyUser

You have gotten excellent advice so far.

From reading your post it seems to me, that you are putting the pu55y on a pedistool ( to coin a phrase from an excellent movie!)

Its not as easy as it sounds but you need to get on with enjoying life, and the girl thing will just happen.

Start by taking up a sport/ hobby. Personally I enjoy the gym, and playing guitar. I find running really helps me clear my head and relax. Plus i now look better.

Next is go out with your mates for drinks on a friday and just enjoy being out for drinks socialising. If no girls are there, so what, if some are, so what.

If some girls chat to you, great, but dont expect any more than a chat and dont build it un in your head. basically dont overanalyze the situation.

I feel that you just overthink everything surrounding girls a little too much.

Relax, get some interests you are passionate about, chill a bit and everything will be cool!

kevin99

You need more company. You need to get out more and mix.
Have a laugh. You're still very young. Plenty of time to meet a lady.
Ignore how you look and feel. Don't be analysing your reactions to women.
Talking about eye contact and all that stuff is just putting more pressure on you.
Don't look for the answers.
Just get out more with your mates and enjoy life.