despairing about ever having a relationship

LegacyUser

I know there are lots of threads about this and I have read the advice but I'd love to know I'm not alone in this. I'm in my mid/late thirties and haven't been in a relationship since my late twenties. That was my longest relationship and lasted about 6 months or so, and ended because he was from a different country and wanted to go home.

Since then I've done my best to live a fulfilled life - I've seen a bit of the world and have a good number of interests but I've been longing to meet someone and it just hasn't happened. I'm not very confident about my appearance and I know I'm not beautiful but I didn't think I was too bad at the same time. But somehow, no one I like ever seems to like me and I don't meet that many unattached men anyway. I've tried online dating and gone on a few dates but just met men who weren't interested or who were interested in a one night stand.

A few of my friends have lightheartedly told me I was always too choosy but it never seemed like that to me. I just wanted to meet someone I was attracted to and had something in common with. I think there must be something fundamentally wrong with me and I don't know what it is or how to change it. I see my chances of having children slipping away and I don't know what to do. I feel such despair as the days pass and nothing changes.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I feel the so very much the same. I can't give you any advice - as I'd be looking for the same advice as you! - but I just want to say that you are not the only one in your situation.

I would say that I don't believe in settling though; I'd rather be on my own than in a relationship where I just wasn't happy/didn't believe in it. I am quite happy in my single life at the moment, but I have to say that I would love to meet someone who I could share it with.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Dont give up as you never know when you will meet somebody. I'm speaking as somebody who was in a similar situation to you until last year. Now I'm with a man who I'm very happy with. All I can say is dont rule anybody out and just be friendly and open with people, as you never know when a chance chat or meeting will lead to a romance.

Best of luck & it can happen for you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I was in a very similar situation until last November (Im 37). I had been madly in love with a guy in my early 20s, To make a long story short he proposed (on valentines day), I though we were too young, so I said no, I thought we would have plenty of time....he didnt want to wait (he was only 20). It took me years to get oer him and I always compared every guy I met to him and how I felt about him, so I didnt give them a chance and nver went out with anyone. I had given up on meeting someone and wasnt even looking anymore. I have a great life, I am alwas busy and was really happy, anyway while out with the girls last November a guy came up and chatted me up, I gave him my number (which I dont usually do). From the day we met he texted constantly, 10/20 texts each evening (making me wonder was he a crazy man), we didnt make any plans to meet up again and kept going out on different nights until Christmas when we finally me up again. Ever since we have been meeting constantly and are gettin along great. He has big plans for us and thinks he has met the woman of his dreams. I am being cautious but maybhe is right.
Advice: I dont really have any, just be yourself and when you least expect it someone will comalong....just dont give up !!!

RonFan

Tried to go unreg for this but did not work so anyway..

<snip>

That's because crass, unsupported generalisation that just serve to flame and annoy don't get approved.

Read the forum charter before posting in this forum again.

/mod

John400

lonelysinglegirl wrote: »

I know there are lots of threads about this and I have read the advice but I'd love to know I'm not alone in this. I'm in my mid/late thirties and haven't been in a relationship since my late twenties. That was my longest relationship and lasted about 6 months or so, and ended because he was from a different country and wanted to go home.

Since then I've done my best to live a fulfilled life - I've seen a bit of the world and have a good number of interests but I've been longing to meet someone and it just hasn't happened. I'm not very confident about my appearance and I know I'm not beautiful but I didn't think I was too bad at the same time. But somehow, no one I like ever seems to like me and I don't meet that many unattached men anyway. I've tried online dating and gone on a few dates but just met men who weren't interested or who were interested in a one night stand.

A few of my friends have lightheartedly told me I was always too choosy but it never seemed like that to me. I just wanted to meet someone I was attracted to and had something in common with. I think there must be something fundamentally wrong with me and I don't know what it is or how to change it. I see my chances of having children slipping away and I don't know what to do. I feel such despair as the days pass and nothing changes.

Hi OP, i don't want to be repeating myself here...as i have posted about this in other threads, here's my take on your situation...same advice..

1. Is there anybody at work or college who you would have some sort of interest in? A hell of a lot of people meet their other half at work.

2. Widening your net. I think you should consider guys who have a trait or aspect to them that you like but who you wouldn't normaly consider.

3. Attending social/work functions/partys. Always attend these because it increases your chances of meeting somebody new or someone you're already familar with at work etc.

James400

guest111 wrote: »

All I can say is dont rule anybody out and just be friendly and open with people

Great point.

Lyra Fangs

RonFan wrote: »

Tried to go unreg for this but did not work so anyway..

I know this won't please everyone, but it seems so obvious to me and has to be said. This is a big problem for both genders.

As a result of several different social changes, women are now brought up thinking they are special and feel superior to most men. Therefore, they feel that they only deserve someone at least equally as special as they regard themselves. So generally you have 99% of the females chasing what they perceive as the the top 20% of men. Which obviously results in that top 20% either being taken, or those that just see you as a game for them to have sex with as many women as possible and add to their already inflated egos (aka assholes).

To say that you can only blame yourself is wrong because you are only going with your natural instincts. The same way guys that are deemed unattractive are by not being dominant or confident enough.

I know you said this wouldn't please everyone but I just can't agree with this comment. Speaking for myself only, I have never been brought up to feel 'superior' or 'special' because I'm a woman instead I have found that being a woman becomes an automatic disadvantage in a number of situations and I find I have to prove myself more than a man in a similar circumstance.

I agree that some women can indulge in this fantasy man that is perfect in every way but most of those women, as they enter the dating scene, realize how impossible that dream is and instead seek a more realistic alternative.

To say we're all seeking the top 20% is completely unfounded. Most of my female friends who are single are looking for a guy who is honest, can make them laugh and can be a friend as well as an intimate partner and a lot of men fit that description.

@OP
I can fully understand how you feel. It can be very frustrating not being able to find someone even though you are so willing. I spent many a night on my own wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't find someone and I literally tried everything. For the men I did find there just wasn't any spark we'd get on great but that would be it.

All I can say is be positive and give every guy a chance, I had a tendency to say 'nope I don't like him' far too quickly and I realize now that it narrowed my chances. You'd never know by the third date you might find he's turned into Mr. right and even if he doesn't the experience is always useful.

Good Luck

John400

Lyra Fangs wrote: »

All I can say is be positive and give every guy a chance, I had a tendency to say 'nope I don't like him' far too quickly and I realize now that it narrowed my chances. You'd never know by the third date you might find he's turned into Mr. right and even if he doesn't the experience is always useful.

Absolutely 100% correct.

Some single women are narrowing their chances by not giving guys a chance. As i said in my opinion you have to give guys a chance who have something about them that you like but you wouldn't normally go for them.

James400

John400 wrote: »

3. Attending social/work functions/partys. Always attend these because it increases your chances of meeting somebody new or someone you're already familar with at work etc.

Just on this, if for instance there is a work party/ function or other coming up, you have to motivate yourself to attend.

The problem there is that you may be thinking 'there'll be nobody i like at it..that guy i don't like will be there'...you have to go to these things. In fact the guy that you think isn't particularly interesting/don't like could be quite the opposite of what you think.

Also you have to put yourself out there, be approachable/ friendly and courteous to people/ colleagues and make the effort with guys you wouldn't normally be interested in.

Also if there is guys from work there who you already know then the ice is already broken as regards conversing with them.

John400

Just in relation to this thread...i'm directing this to the OP and other single girls who might be reading this, what are the things that you would consider important in a guy (regardless of looks)?

eddison

Hi OP,

Being good looking is really only a bonus to a guy. Same with Women, i'm sure a woman would prefer a good looking guy, but its not the most important thing?
The most important thing to a guy is self respect. You are the most amazing magnet to men, if you believe in yourself. No single guy would be able to resist you, if you believed in your self. You are built to be magnetic! you are magnetic, you just do not believe it. please see my post How can I believe in myself more/be more confident?

It may help you to have confidence. If you think ''there must be something fundamentally wrong'' with you then guys pick up on this, and wonder if it is true. There is nothing wrong with you !! you just lack a little confidence !!

mood

John400 wrote: »

Just in relation to this thread...i'm directing this to the OP and other single girls who might be reading this, what are the things that you would consider important in a guy (regardless of looks)?

Good fun, easy to chat to, loyal, reliable, honest and affectionate.

ongarboy

Hi OP, I think there is some great advice been given here which I fully endorse. Definitely try and give some guys a chance with 2-3 dates even if the first date or meeting does not generate any spark or chemistry. Sometimes, people are nervous on first dates/encouters and their true personality doesn't come out. You may find things you like about them on subsequent encounters that were non existent on the first meet up. I know that I only really clicked with my other half after about the 4th or 5th meet up!Also as someone else posted, maybe change your social patterns by broadening the potential. Go for or suggest with your mates some nights out in the next town or suburb where there will be a different pool of guys rather than always going to the usual local haunts. Join clubs or outings that attract mixed genders (hill walking, salsa dancing, wine tasting, tag rugby etc). However, use these clubs/outings primarily to enjoy the purpose of what they are there for rather than focusing on trying to find Mr Right in them but it's the fact that you are being introduced to new and maybe likeminded people in these activities that increases potential of hitting it off with someone! Speed dating and singles nights seem to be in vogue a lot more these days. Keep up to date on Google as to when these might happen in your area. Good luck!

kevin99

Hi,

I can sympahtise with you you. I know exactly what you are going through. I am in the same situation. It seems when single you are very much alone to fend for yourself.

I've heard all the clichéd partronising responses to me from guys who have told me I don't know how lucky I am to be still single because they have so much hassle from their wives; to the retort that I am too choosy; to the so-called reassuring statement you will meet someone at some state or if it is to be it is to be.

I am older than you by 12 years. I work in an office in a senior management role. I own my house, have a car, a nice lifestyle. People always ask me how did I 'escape' a relationship or being married.
That really annoys me. Over the past few years I decided to confront people who make those silly comments. I explain to them, if they have the time and inclination to listen, how difficult it is for me to meet women. They tend to roll their eyes and get shifty. It's okay to slag me off or make a cheap jibe about my personal life, without having the good manners to listen while I explain my situation.

I have gone with women before, but it must be ten years or more since I had a relationship. I meet girls these days on my own. I go to the pub alone either locally or in town. I am not shy about chatting with women.
But they are either taken or not interested.

I would love to meet a girl. To share all those things that couples do. Believe you me it is not enjoyable sitting alone at home in the evening watching telly while married friends are out for meals with OTHER COUPLES.

I work hard like anybody. I cannot just ask out a colleague as it could be construed as 'sexual harrassment' because of my senior position. It would be a huge risk.

When I get home at 7.00 to 7.30pm I am whacked. And it would be nice to be able to switch off with a gf and have a laugh and some quality downtime.

Weekends are spent going for walks, watcing sports, Sunday lunch alone.
Reading the papers, following the General Election news.
Just yesterday, a friend phoned me at 1.30pm from a pub near Lansdowne Road. He and his wife always go to watch Ireland in rugby. His wife was ill with flu so he had a spare ticket. I haven't seen this guy since October!! And he expected me to drop everything I was doing and take up his offer.
I declined.

I find married people are extremely selfish, as a couples in long term relationships. They don't want to know single people, but if a single friend suddenly finds themselves in a reationship then they are ACCEPTABLE and can be included in the marrieds' list of friends.

I have tried internet dating - it was ok.
I have chatted to girls in coffee shops, bars, while walking in the local park.
Please don't advise me to join clubs etc. You may as well put up a big sign on my forhead stating: ' Seeking a female partner for love etc'.

I don't give off desperate signals, at least I don't think I do. BUt deep down, I would swop the pressures of work just to share my life with someone who respects me and wants to be with me.

Myself and a friend have been invited to a christening next month. When I say 'friend' she is just that. We've know each other and the couple of the new baby for 30 years.
We don't fancy each other and would never go with each other.
To be honest I just don't want to go. The questions, quizzical looks side of the mouth comments will drive me mad.

I've discussed my 'problem' with two male friends. Their response is married life is not what it is cracked up to be. And they proceed to outline the hassles they have with their wives and children. They don't have any real advice to offer me. It's like they are bereft of such counsel. They only meet me every six months or if their wives are away for a few days.

To sum up I believe single people are ignored and left to their own devices by society. Sad but in my opinion true.

Emme

OP, I'm in the same boat as you. Similar age, similar situation. Unlike you, I tried settling and found it quite damaging. Over the last year or so I've given up hope because I think that as long as I stay in Ireland the situation isn't going to change no matter how friendly or approachable I am or how many clubs I join or how many times I go out. I feel like the odds are stacked against people getting together in Ireland and if you're a certain age and aren't willing to settle for a series of one-night-stands or hook-ups you can wave goodbye to getting together with somebody. In my experience Irish men have lost respect for women.

I say this because I was on holidays abroad recently and met some lovely foreign guys, some locals, some on holidays like myself. I'm so used to the scene in Ireland that I was amazed that anybody would be interested in me, and for a change these guys weren't just into getting into my pants at the end of the night. It was such a confidence boost to be in demand for a change but when I got back to Ireland and went out with some friends here it was back to the same old routine. We really haven't progressed beyond the days of the ballrooms when men stood on one side of the room and women stood on the other.

I wouldn't hold out much hope for meeting anybody in this country, particularly if you're female and a certain age, but it's nice to go abroad sometimes and be treated like a lady even if you know it won't be like that when you get home. My advice to the OP - emigrate if you can.

LegacyUser

kevin99 wrote: »

Hi,

I can sympahtise with you you. I know exactly what you are going through. I am in the same situation. It seems when single you are very much alone to fend for yourself.

I've heard all the clichéd partronising responses to me from guys who have told me I don't know how lucky I am to be still single because they have so much hassle from their wives; to the retort that I am too choosy; to the so-called reassuring statement you will meet someone at some state or if it is to be it is to be.

I am older than you by 12 years. I work in an office in a senior management role. I own my house, have a car, a nice lifestyle. People always ask me how did I 'escape' a relationship or being married.
That really annoys me. Over the past few years I decided to confront people who make those silly comments. I explain to them, if they have the time and inclination to listen, how difficult it is for me to meet women. They tend to roll their eyes and get shifty. It's okay to slag me off or make a cheap jibe about my personal life, without having the good manners to listen while I explain my situation.

I have gone with women before, but it must be ten years or more since I had a relationship. I meet girls these days on my own. I go to the pub alone either locally or in town. I am not shy about chatting with women.
But they are either taken or not interested.

I would love to meet a girl. To share all those things that couples do. Believe you me it is not enjoyable sitting alone at home in the evening watching telly while married friends are out for meals with OTHER COUPLES.

I work hard like anybody. I cannot just ask out a colleague as it could be construed as 'sexual harrassment' because of my senior position. It would be a huge risk.

When I get home at 7.00 to 7.30pm I am whacked. And it would be nice to be able to switch off with a gf and have a laugh and some quality downtime.

Weekends are spent going for walks, watcing sports, Sunday lunch alone.
Reading the papers, following the General Election news.
Just yesterday, a friend phoned me at 1.30pm from a pub near Lansdowne Road. He and his wife always go to watch Ireland in rugby. His wife was ill with flu so he had a spare ticket. I haven't seen this guy since October!! And he expected me to drop everything I was doing and take up his offer.
I declined.

I find married people are extremely selfish, as a couples in long term relationships. They don't want to know single people, but if a single friend suddenly finds themselves in a reationship then they are ACCEPTABLE and can be included in the marrieds' list of friends.

I have tried internet dating - it was ok.
I have chatted to girls in coffee shops, bars, while walking in the local park.
Please don't advise me to join clubs etc. You may as well put up a big sign on my forhead stating: ' Seeking a female partner for love etc'.

I don't give off desperate signals, at least I don't think I do. BUt deep down, I would swop the pressures of work just to share my life with someone who respects me and wants to be with me.

Myself and a friend have been invited to a christening next month. When I say 'friend' she is just that. We've know each other and the couple of the new baby for 30 years.
We don't fancy each other and would never go with each other.
To be honest I just don't want to go. The questions, quizzical looks side of the mouth comments will drive me mad.

I've discussed my 'problem' with two male friends. Their response is married life is not what it is cracked up to be. And they proceed to outline the hassles they have with their wives and children. They don't have any real advice to offer me. It's like they are bereft of such counsel. They only meet me every six months or if their wives are away for a few days.

To sum up I believe single people are ignored and left to their own devices by society. Sad but in my opinion true.

Wow that's a powerful post! It's nice to know that there are guys out there that feel the same way also. I'm 25 and i have never been in a relationship ever. Days like today can be diffcult as they only serve to remind me what i don't have!

OP i understand where you are coming from but i would just say try to stay positive which i know is easier said than done! I'm quite shy when it comes to the opposite sex, quite simply because i haven't had any experience so it gets harder as the years go by and still nothing is happening. I just find the pub/club scene useless for meeting anyone. But then i guess i don't do anything else to meet somebody so i guess its my own fault as well

Oh well i'm rambling!

Anyway keep the faith OP! You're not the only one!

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

In my experience Irish men have lost respect for women.

I wouldn't hold out much hope for meeting anybody in this country, particularly if you're female and a certain age, but it's nice to go abroad sometimes and be treated like a lady even if you know it won't be like that when you get home. My advice to the OP - emigrate if you can.

I understand your frustration Emme but to say that Irish men have lost respect for women isn't true. In what way do you think Irish men have become disrespectful? Fair enough in a nightclub situation Ive seen a lot of disrespect, on both sides. In fact, in that scenario I would say that women would be fairly disrespectful to men who approach them. But having said that, I think nightclubs are where you would find the worst of the worst behaviour from both sexes, so maybe not a great way to judge things by.
I dont think the answer is to emigrate either. At least not just for the sake of finding a partner. I think emigrating just in the hopes of meeting somebody is a recipe for disaster.

OP, dont settle. So what if you're choosy. You're choosy for a reason. If you meet somebody and you light up like a pinball machine then you'll know and you'll go for it. Trust me, you wont be choosy when it comes to somebody who really does it for you. Everything else is settling. When I was single I went to a wedding one time and this girl was giving me the eye all night. The part of me that was worried about ending up alone(Id been single 4 years at this stage)wanted to go over and make a move, but then I thought things through and I realised I didnt fancy her. I was only going to make a move out of fear of not having a better offer. I know people who have settled, one guy in particular springs to mind, and he's not happy. No matter what, keep your dignity, your self respect, dont let anybody treat you poorly just for fear of ending up alone. Dont settle.

mood

Settling and having a more open mind are different things.

John400

Emme wrote: »

In my experience Irish men have lost respect for women.

I'm not having a go here but that's a wholly unfair statement to make.

I know some genuinely decent single Irish men who have respect for Irish women in bucket loads (single or otherwise).

There are good Irish guys out there believe it or not.

James400

mood wrote: »

Good fun, easy to chat to, loyal, reliable, honest and affectionate.

Okay. Here's my advice to the OP and other single Irish girls.

If you know a guy at work or otherwise who you wouldn't normally consider who would have one or more of the above traits be it...good fun, easy to chat to, loyal, reliable, honest and affectionate. It would be good to give the guy a chance.

anewme

Good to know there are some of us in the same position too.

I am now in my early 40's but look younger, female, quite attractive, own house, good job, nice car but have not been out on a date in 3 years.

I am not overly choosy, but want someone who I know I will have something in common with as there has to be some spark to build any kind of long lasting relationship.

I also have to go to functions as part of my job, but would rather go on my own than ask someone to go with me as a favour. I hate going, but it is part of my job so I try to make an effort.

Couple of people have said they don't understand how someone like me is single, but there you go. I was in two very long term relationships and have never played the field as such and might come across initially as a bit shy. I don't have a flirty personality and find it hard to make conversation with people I do not know.

There is no one at work that I could go out with, (they are mostly married or too young!) and I don't go out clubbing much, so unless I meet someone at the Supermarket or gym, that is it for me.

John400

anewme wrote: »

I am not overly choosy, but want someone who I know I will have something in common with as there has to be some spark to build any kind of long lasting relationship.

I also have to go to functions as part of my job, but would rather go on my own than ask someone to go with me as a favour. I hate going, but it is part of my job so I try to make an effort.

Here's the thing, you probably are thinking in the back of your mind 'i have to meet someone i have something in common with' and 'there has to be a spark'.

What may happen then is you are judging guys on this criteria. You may not encounter a spark or have the opportunity to explore something in common with a guy if you don't give guys whom you wouldn't initially consider a chance in the first place. You are not giving yourself or allowing yourself a chance to get to know the guy. What i'm saying is that if you happen to meet a guy who has something about him that you like then at least consider him, he may not fit your criteria in your own mind initially but at least you are willing to find out in time.

Also as i said previously i can understand single women 'hating' to go to functions but you have to motivate yourself to go out and be positive/proactive. As the saying goes if you don't buy a ticket you don't have a chance of winning.

IrishEyes19

James400 wrote: »

Okay. Here's my advice to the OP and other single Irish girls.

If you know a guy at work or otherwise who you wouldn't normally consider who would have one or more of the above traits be it...good fun, easy to chat to, loyal, reliable, honest and affectionate. It would be good to give the guy a chance.

I agree, though I think it comes down to human mentality too and Irish characteristics of the fear of getting rejected. I bet you get checked out loads of times, OP, by men, and you dont even notice it because they were either too shy to come over or perhaps even taken. Thing is, its really hard to make that first approach in day to day scenarios, even on nights out, I'd be shy talking to a guy I didnt know at first.

mood

John400 wrote: »

Here's the thing, you probably are thinking in the back of your mind 'i have to meet someone i have something in common with' and 'there has to be a spark'.

I agree. I meet guys I didn't have much in common with but got on great with despite that and I've meet guys were there was no initial spark with but that spark came and grew as I got to know them and like them. My point - try to get to know some, even only on friendly terms, and see what happens.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks to everyone who replied. It's nice to hear I'm not alone although the prognosis seems a little gloomy when I read posts from others in the same or similar boat. But you've given me some things to think about - in particular confidence and having a more open mind about guys (I do tend to expect there's either a spark there or not the first time I meet someone).

fghijkl

Here's the thing, you probably are thinking in the back of your mind 'i have to meet someone i have something in common with' and 'there has to be a spark'.

What may happen then is you are judging guys on this criteria. You may not encounter a spark or have the opportunity to explore something in common with a guy if you don't give guys whom you wouldn't initially consider a chance in the first place. You are not giving yourself or allowing yourself a chance to get to know the guy. What i'm saying is that if you happen to meet a guy who has something about him that you like then at least consider him, he may not fit your criteria in your own mind initially but at least you are willing to find out in time.

I'm not sure i agree with this, it depends on your definition of "spark" i guess, IMHO a spark is sexual attraction or even just finding someone physically attractive, i think its unwise to encourage anyone male or female to "give someone a chance" when you just plain don't find the other person attractive, you can explore this persons personality all you want but personally i don't buy this "the more you get to know a person the more attractive they become" stuff. The more i get to know a person i don't find attractive, the more i think wow this guy is lovely...but only as a friend. And i think to stay with this guy in the hope that one day you'll wake up beside him and he suddenly becomes attractive is in fact settling. You can have both, a man with a great personality who you also find attractive.

OP, I'm in the same boat as you. Similar age, similar situation. Unlike you, I tried settling and found it quite damaging. Over the last year or so I've given up hope because I think that as long as I stay in Ireland the situation isn't going to change no matter how friendly or approachable I am or how many clubs I join or how many times I go out. I feel like the odds are stacked against people getting together in Ireland and if you're a certain age and aren't willing to settle for a series of one-night-stands or hook-ups you can wave goodbye to getting together with somebody. In my experience Irish men have lost respect for women.

Unfortunately i have to agree with Emme to a certain extent, i don't think lowering your standards helps anyone, i also think the Irish attitude to dating by both men and women is soul destroying simple as. I wouldn't say irish men have lost respect for women but i think both sexes have become dissillussioned by each other, which is terrible sad but i really feel this is because most irish people just cannot seem to express emotion, that expressing feelings = weakness. I do think OP that you should give foreign men a chance again ( and i don't mean that as a dig at irish men because there are some lovely irish men out there) i'm not suggesting you emigrate, but there are loads of lovely non nationals living here who have a beautiful warmth and kindness and openess which is seriously lacking (by both men & women) on the irish dating scene, and you've said your longest relationship was with a guy from a different country so maybe the irish (not sure how to phrase this correctly) mentality or attitude to life/dating just isn't for you and you would be better suited to someone from a different culture if that makes sense? (personally i'd be very surprised if i ever ended up with an irish man) Maybe try online dating again but just focus on guys who aren't irish? I'm single myself Op so i wish i could give you more helpful advice but...*



* none of this is meant as a dig at irish men, just a personal opinion based on personal experience, i am aware that there are lovely single irish men and women.

John400

fghijkl wrote: »

I'm not sure i agree with this, it depends on your definition of "spark" i guess, IMHO a spark is sexual attraction or even just finding someone physically attractive, i think its unwise to encourage anyone male or female to "give someone a chance" when you just plain don't find the other person attractive, you can explore this persons personality all you want but personally i don't buy this "the more you get to know a person the more attractive they become" stuff. The more i get to know a person i don't find attractive, the more i think wow this guy is lovely...but only as a friend.

You're entitled to your opinion but how are single women widening the net or increasing their chances of meeting a potential partner by sticking ridgedly to their criteria?

What i'm saying is that if there's an aspect of a guy that they like, but they wouldn't normally date then they should at least consider the guy.

I know couples who initially couldn't stand each other but grew to gradually love each other.

I think there's more involved in having a 'spark' with someone other than physical attraction.

mood

OP I think the advice fghijkl gave shouldn't be taken. I assume you live in Ireland. If you do and take her advice and never consider going out with an Irish guy again you chances of meet anyone are extremely low. These chances would be even lower again if you don't live in Dublin. Ruling guys out based on the fact that they are Irish is just crazy. You need to be opening your mind and increasing your chances of meeting someone no doing the complete opposite.

mood

fghijkl wrote: »

I'm not sure i agree with this, it depends on your definition of "spark" i guess, IMHO a spark is sexual attraction or even just finding someone physically attractive, i think its unwise to encourage anyone male or female to "give someone a chance" when you just plain don't find the other person attractive, you can explore this persons personality all you want but personally i don't buy this "the more you get to know a person the more attractive they become" stuff. The more i get to know a person i don't find attractive, the more i think wow this guy is lovely...but only as a friend. And i think to stay with this guy in the hope that one day you'll wake up beside him and he suddenly becomes attractive is in fact settling. You can have both, a man with a great personality who you also find attractive.

Well, when I meet one ex through friends on a night out I wasn't attracted to him and didn't give him a second thought. It was only on the fourth night we all went out in a group that I realised I liked and really fancied him. Why? Because I got to know him. I was smitten. I think this is why John400 meant rather than entering a relationship with someone your not interested and waiting years for feelings to develop.

kevin99

There must be an initial attraction or 'spark' for a potential relationship to blossom.
I don't buy into the argument that you will get to really like the person when you know them better.
I believe many Irish men have the utmost respect for women and vice versa. It is unwise to judge men and women from their behaviour in pubs and nightclubs given the huge amounts of alcohol both consume.
Unfortunately, society has changed in the past decade and I believe expectations of both sexes have changed too. In otherwords, the guy wants to be perceived as being successful, wealthy, owns his home here and has another somewhere else in Ireland,or abroad.
Women are similar. If a guy doesn't wear designer clothes and drive a nice sporty car and own his own home, he doesn't get a look in.
I have a company car but I never tell prospective women the make or model. I don't drop the key ring on the bar counter either!
But I have been in female company where the lady remarks how much she really likes joe blogs car or his jacket is lovely and so on and so forth.
We need to get back to basic and mutual respect for each other and cut the bull****.

mood

kevin99 wrote: »

There must be an initial attraction or 'spark' for a potential relationship to blossom.
I don't buy into the argument that you will get to really like the person when you know them better.

I happened me on more than on occasion

kevin99 wrote: »

In otherwords, the guy wants to be perceived as being successful, wealthy, owns his home here and has another somewhere else in Ireland,or abroad.
Women are similar. If a guy doesn't wear designer clothes and drive a nice sporty car and own his own home, he doesn't get a look in.
I have a company car but I never tell prospective women the make or model. I don't drop the key ring on the bar counter either!
But I have been in female company where the lady remarks how much she really likes joe blogs car or his jacket is lovely and so on and so forth.
We need to get back to basic and mutual respect for each other and cut the bull****.

Just because that girl was like that doesn't mean we all are. I for one certainly am not.

LegacyUser

Hi Lonely girl, dont despair, your at an age now that is perfect for meeting someone to share the rest of your life with, you have travelled and you have experienced so maybe now you know what you want from life and whhat kind of person you want to share it with, this is a far better position to be in than being younger and choosing someone who in all probability is wrong for you, my suggestion would be just relax and keep in mind it may be the opening of a door or a coincidence that takes seconds and you could meet a person that matches all you want, it happens all the time, i work in a industry where i see people coming togeather just by complete chance and they become regular customers as a couple to my place, where there is life there is hope and you seem pretty cool so take a breath, relax and let it happen for you.

best of luck

fghijkl

What i'm saying is that if there's an aspect of a guy that they like, but they wouldn't normally date then they should at least consider the guy.

I know couples who initially couldn't stand each other but grew to gradually love each other.

I think there's more involved in having a 'spark' with someone other than physical attraction.

I wasn't attracted to him and didn't give him a second thought. It was only on the fourth night we all went out in a group that I realised I liked and really fancied him. Why? Because I got to know him. I was smitten.

I think i'm being misconstrued a tad here, that was why i said it depends on your definition of spark. i completely agree with you (if you mean spark in the personality sense), of course i've dated guys in the past who had some aspect of their personality (boasting, a tad on the arrogant side, seemed immature etc etc) that just didn't sit well with me, and i did give them a chance 2nd/3rd date and yes i did end up dating them happily for a good while after. All i meant was that if "spark" is being used as a synonym for "i don't find him good looking at all" well then giving a guy chance after chance is pointless, personally i think that yes a persons personality can and does grow on you but if you don't find him attractive in the physical sense then date after date is not going to change that.

Ruling guys out based on the fact that they are Irish is just crazy. You need to be opening your mind and increasing your chances of meeting someone no doing the complete opposite.

Sorry if you or the OP felt that was what i implied, its certainly not what i meant to imply. Of course she shouldn't rule out all irish men! i got the feeling that the OP had been hurt by her previous relationship with a non irish man that's what i meant when i said she should give foreign men a chance again of course i mean in addition to irish men! I though online dating might be an easy way in which she could find/get in contact with non nationals thats all (although the way i phrased it was a bit offensive i apologise)

Anyway my opinion is just that opinion, i'm single like i said so i'm not hypocritical enough to say its the right way to do things, just another perspective

James400

fghijkl wrote: »

personally i think that yes a persons personality can and does grow on you but if you don't find him attractive in the physical sense then date after date is not going to change that.

I'm assuming here that you're talking about a guy who's physically fit, tall etc.

I can't remember where i read it but a lot of women like a tall guy, feeling protected and all of that....

mood

fghijkl I find it strange that you assume the OP won't consider going out with a guy who isn't Irish!

fghijkl

fghijkl I find it strange that you assume the OP won't consider going out with a guy who isn't Irish!

you seem determined to interpret my posts as me either dissing irish guys or dissing non irish guys, i'm not dissing either.

Yes of course i'm assuming (the same way everyone else is, i don't know the OP so i can only go on what little she has written), i don't claim its fact as i've already stated, its just how i interpreted the OP's post. I just think its relevent that the OP felt the need to mention that her first proper relationship was with a guy from another country and it ended because he wanted to go home, and also because my own most influential relationship to date was also with a guy who wasn't irish and ended because he too had to return home so i can completely relate to that. Personally when my own relationship with that man ended i was crushed i swore off all non irish men for good, so yeah that's why i interpreted the post in the way i did, it didn't seem out of the realm of possibilty that the OP might have felt the same....i could be wrong of course, it has happened before! ...of course none of this is relevent but maybe you might find it less strange now.

I'm assuming here that you're talking about a guy who's physically fit, tall etc.

I can't remember where i read it but a lot of women like a tall guy, feeling protected and all of that....

no, i mean looks in general, facial features, hair colour, eye colour, whatever an overall apperance, a guy you think is "hot" plain and simple, a guy you want to have sex with, which obviously is different things to different people, personally i wouldn't touch Brad Pitt with a stick but a lot of women find him attractive (jim parsons however rawwr...lol), i just think dating a guy you don't find "hot" is pointless and 10 more dates isn't going to make him any hotter.

Anyway OP i'm sorry i won't post again i seem to be unwittingly dragging your post off topic.

I think there must be something fundamentally wrong with me and I don't know what it is or how to change it. I see my chances of having children slipping away and I don't know what to do. I feel such despair as the days pass and nothing changes.

Op there is nothing wrong with you, there are so many people out there in the same boat, and despite what your friends say "I just wanted to meet someone I was attracted to and had something in common with" is not an unreasonable request or picky at all. The only advice i can give you is to try and stay positive, giving into the despair and writing yourself off will not help the situation at all, you seem like a very down to earth person and i'm sure you'll find someone one day, who knows, by this time next year you could have met the man of your dreams Best of luck i hope you find a man who is everything you wish for! (and i hope i do too )

James400

fghijkl wrote: »

no, i mean looks in general, facial features, hair colour, eye colour, whatever an overall apperance, a guy you think is "hot" plain and simple, a guy you want to have sex with, which obviously is different things to different people, personally i wouldn't touch Brad Pitt with a stick but a lot of women find him attractive (jim parsons however rawwr...lol), i just think dating a guy you don't find "hot" is pointless and 10 more dates isn't going to make him any hotter.

Question, if you were dating a 'hot' guy who had zero personality, charm or sense of humour..wouldn't the female of the species be thinking this is pointless after 10 dates? He's as dull as dishwater.

fghijkl

Question, if you were dating a 'hot' guy who had zero personality, charm or sense of humour..wouldn't the female of the species be thinking this is pointless after 10 dates? He's as dull as dishwater.

???
Well i would hope most women would..yes i certainly would, when i say hot i don't mean it in a superficial, looks are everything way, i mean a person who is hot to you, one womans "hot" is another womans "shrek". You can have both, a man you find hot and a man who's personality you also find attractive, you shouldn't have to settle for one over the other. IMHO

sam34

kevin99 wrote: »

Women are similar. If a guy doesn't wear designer clothes and drive a nice sporty car and own his own home, he doesn't get a look in.

not always true

personally, I don't think very much of guys (or girls) who wear branded designer clothes. IMO, it looks flashy, an attempt to appear wealthy/classy, and I just smile to myself thinking that they are effectively giving Ralph Lauren or tommy hilfiger some free advertising. lots of those clothes are just plain and dull anyway, worn purely for the label rather than for any aesthetic appeal.

so for me, and many of my friends, the guy wearing the designer clothes is much less likely to get a look in than his friend who doesn't have the labels dropping off them

not all women are shallow and superficial.

John400

kevin99 wrote: »

There must be an initial attraction or 'spark' for a potential relationship to blossom.
I don't buy into the argument that you will get to really like the person when you know them better.

I'd disagree with that.

As was said, there have been many cases of people getting together after initially hating the sight of each other/not getting on and there has most certainly been cases of potential relationships blossoming after getting to know the other person better.

I don't buy into the argument that the spark MUST be there initially.

As has been said, the OP and other single girls really shouldn't rule out every guy based on inital impressions but for a better chance of meeting somebody they may have to consider different guys.

This is being repeated again, but for single girls to widen their net they should consider guys who have something they like but they wouldn't normally go for, be he at work or elsewhere.