On a Break?

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to ask opinions here. My girlfriend wanted a break, she said she need time and space to think about things. After the first week I talked to her and she said her friends took it on themsevles to cook her dinner and hang out with every evening. To me that's not taking time to think about things. Anyway 2 more weeks have gone by and I needed to get something out of her house only to be find out she went to London for the weekend. If somebody gave you the excuse of needing time to think and then clearly was spending the time distracting themselves with friends, what would you guys think?

Lucyx

I really really hate to say this op but a break is often a cowards way of breaking up. I did it myself about 5 years ago. I didn't have the heart (or guts) to just tell the guy that I wanted out of the relationship for good so I suggested a break to kinda ease myself into it too. Its a very selfish act tbh.

Its been a few weeks and she'd know by now if she wanted to be with you. You need to talk to her properly and ask her once and for all whats going on and then IF it is over, you can start getting on with your life as opposed to this non-sense of her pissing around with her mates and off to London while you're in limbo land. You deserve better than that bull.

Don't drive yourself mad. Talk to her and get her to put you straight either way.
Good luck to you

Caliden

Have to agree with Lucyx, a break is just the cowardly way of breaking up as it gives you a small bit of hope without cutting contact completely.
If she can go that long without making up her mind then it's clear that she isn't worth any more of your time.

Chin up, move on and don't give it another second of thought because if she cared for you she would've been mature about the whole thing and told you the truth.

LegacyUser

Caliden wrote: »

Have to agree with Lucyx, a break is just the cowardly way of breaking up as it gives you a small bit of hope without cutting contact completely.
If she can go that long without making up her mind then it's clear that she isn't worth any more of your time.

Chin up, move on and don't give it another second of thought because if she cared for you she would've been mature about the whole thing and told you the truth.

I was trying to keep busy the last while and was doing ok but then she came over to bring some of my stuff over and stayed for 4 hours. saying it was too difficult to leave etc.

It wasn't until I found out she was in London rather than taking her time to herself to think about things. It feels like such a bad way to break up with somebody. After 2 years I thought I deserved better. I told her as much today, told her she treated me like sh!t and her reaction was how dare I, and how was she treating me like sh!t...I know I deserve better but the thought of starting over again after all I invested into our relationship has me in a bad way.

It seems like people are picking up that I'm in a bad way and are making things worse. My family haven't been supportive. One of my friends spent time with me today but then had to leave which made me feel even worse. A bird actually crapped on me when I left my house today...it's a bit funny but I've just had such a bad couple of days...I don't want to be alone again. I live alone, I pretty much work alone and all but 2 of my friends have moved away. I can't see any future for myself..I'm not suicidal or anything but I think I wouldn't mind not waking up..I've been going to sleep an hour after I get home from work...I slept until 10 this morning and went back to bed at 4 until 8...just so I could get away from things.

Lucyx

To be honest everything you're describing is typical break up behaviour.

On a Break? wrote: »

I was trying to keep busy the last while and was doing ok but then she came over to bring some of my stuff over and stayed for 4 hours. saying it was too difficult to leave etc.

She does still care about you and she does enjoy your company. Otherwise she wouldn't have hung out with you for that length of time. But its not enough. She doesn't have enough feelings to commit to you and BE with you. And yeah that feels so ****ty. My ex and I broke up and he maintained contact for so long afterwards and I wish I'd blanked him all that time. He still cared.....but not enough. And it took me a year and a half to see that. What a waste of time, and how selfish on his part.

On a Break? wrote: »

It seems like people are picking up that I'm in a bad way and are making things worse. My family haven't been supportive. One of my friends spent time with me today but then had to leave which made me feel even worse. A bird actually crapped on me when I left my house today...it's a bit funny but I've just had such a bad couple of days...I don't want to be alone again. I live alone, I pretty much work alone and all but 2 of my friends have moved away. I can't see any future for myself..I'm not suicidal or anything but I think I wouldn't mind not waking up..I've been going to sleep an hour after I get home from work...I slept until 10 this morning and went back to bed at 4 until 8...just so I could get away from things.

It can be tough to get support from people. they have limits and they'll only listen to you for so long and then its like 'aren't you over that yet' and you're still devastated. The way you're feeling is perfectly normal and you're gonna feel pretty low and when you wake up and it hits you immediately, jesus thats a killer. But it does pass and you will feel better than this.

Try to not see her if you can, and try to not contact her. One day at a time. And don't be worrying about starting again. Just focus on the here and now and if you feel bad don't beat yourself up about that. Come on here and you'll get some support that way xxoo

Corkblowin

Caliden wrote: »

Chin up, move on and don't give it another second of thought because if she cared for you she would've been mature about the whole thing and told you the truth.

If only it were that simple.

Yes she handled it badly but it's a difficult thing to tell someone you love them but aren't 'in love' with them.....and obviously she hoped to 'ease' you into the break-up thing. You would prefer the quick 'pull the band-aid' off but I can understand how she had no idea how to do it & so ran away from the problem to leave you figure it out - it's crappy - but to me shows she does care enough not to want to see you hurting. If she didn't care then she'd have no hassle telling you.

It will heal in time, and while you will always have some feelings for her, as she will for you, it will soon just be a
memory.

Try not to wallow & good luck.

LegacyUser

Corkblowin wrote: »

If only it were that simple.

Yes she handled it badly but it's a difficult thing to tell someone you love them but aren't 'in love' with them.....and obviously she hoped to 'ease' you into the break-up thing. You would prefer the quick 'pull the band-aid' off but I can understand how she had no idea how to do it & so ran away from the problem to leave you figure it out - it's crappy - but to me shows she does care enough not to want to see you hurting. If she didn't care then she'd have no hassle telling you.

It will heal in time, and while you will always have some feelings for her, as she will for you, it will soon just be a
memory.

Try not to wallow & good luck.

I'm sure she cares for me a little but if she went for this break to ease into a break up I don't think she did it for me, she did it for herself because she didn't have the decency to do the honourable thing and break up with me. I've told her I need to hate her to get over her but it's like she won't let that happen. She kind of has to have the last word.

Last week when she was here for 4 hours I was set in my ways and fine with things. Then she started to well up and asked to come in. Then when she was leaving I was back to feeling like crap. She wanted to come in for herself, it would have been better for me if she didn't. Now I want my closure and have been calling her but she won't answer. It feels really unfair. I should easily be able to hate her but I can't right now.

encore1

[QUOTE=I know I deserve better but the thought of starting over again after all I invested into our relationship has me in a bad way.

A bird actually crapped on me when I left my house today...it's a bit funny but I've just had such a bad couple of days...I don't want to be alone again. I live alone, I pretty much work alone and all but 2 of my friends have moved away. I can't see any future for myself..I'm not suicidal or anything but I think I wouldn't mind not waking up..I've been going to sleep an hour after I get home from work...I slept until 10 this morning and went back to bed at 4 until 8...just so I could get away from things.[/QUOTE]


ah, you poor thing... break ups are always sooooooooo hard but you're right - you do deserve better - you invested 2 years of your life in this woman and this is how she breaks up with you?!! this is the kind of thing you do when you're 17 and been "seeing" someone for 2 weeks - 2 months at a push, but after 2 years...?!!

no way OP! i know its always easy looking in, but seriously, she is a selfish, selfish coward...let her off, she'll be the miserable and lonely one in the end if she continues to treat people like this...

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advise guys. That's kind of what I figured when she asked for a break. Nice to know it's not just me

She has her phone off now said she'd talk to me when she gets back but hasn't told me when that is. I assume it's tonight. I don't care what time she's back, I'm going to get my closure

LegacyUser

Finally got through, she brushed me off pretty quick. When I said I want to talk to her she said she'll be back tonight around 11 but sounded a bit put off when I sad that's fine I'll meet you at yours. She's very upset that I sent her so many message throughout the weekend...

Sephiroth_dude

I really hope you get closure,breaks suck ass.

whatsamsn

• "on a break" is a cowardly way of breaking up.
• you're right that it doesnt sound like she is "thinking things over" - in fact sounds like post-break up stuff.

Whats going to happen is that you're eventually going to contact her and to be told the usual cliche crap that she has been thinking and its best to end it. While in reality its been over for here since she said "break"
Its tough op. But hey, she could of shown deceny and be honest. she didnt. so to hell with her.

LegacyUser

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

I really hope you get closure,breaks suck ass.

I think she will meet me tonight but don't know if we'll talk properly until tomorrow. My heart has been racing for the last 3 days. I'm freaking out, I've never felt like this before.

Debthree

On a Break? wrote: »

it would have been better for me if she didn't. Now I want my closure and have been calling her but she won't answer. It feels really unfair. I should easily be able to hate her but I can't right now.

You are so much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. You're so right that you need closure. And, for goodness sake, no you can't just suddenly hate her overnight even though it would make it easier - it's going to take time.

I too agree that the break up is possibly her cowardly way of breaking up. Either that or she went to London to have a fling, maybe spend the weekend with someone she met online or something. Her initiating a break beforehand means she can do it guilt-free and then resume with you later. This is only conjecture of course but it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

It's so difficult - breaking up is like a bereavement, it's the death of a future we thought we'd have. But this too shall pass. Try your very best to stay busy. Easy to say I know. Try to do physical things and wear yourself out. That sucks about your family not being supportive. Some people are just useless at empathising and supporting. I was just talking about this with my brother today - he was recently very ill and, amazingly, some of his friends disappeared completely. They claim they didn't know what to say which is pathetic. I'm sure your family care, they just can't express it.

I hope you get closure on this. Best of luck to you. You sound like a nice, intelligent person. You deserve a fantastic relationship with someone who treats you right.

LegacyUser

Guys...she's a lesbian. She went away this weekend to meet up with a girl. It's ok but I had confronted her about this girl and her sexuality a few times and denied it the whole way. The final huge deception in a relationship full of them. Heartbreak has turned to anger. I know she can't help her sexuality but I could read the signals with this girl and when I got worked up I was told I was being unfair. I gave up a big job opportunity in London to stay with her..I went to counselling for my insecurity issues!! I brought her on weekends away, holidays, bought her loads of gifts..tried to be toughtful. I had planned out how I would propose...

This girl she got off with has a girlfriend.. Should I try to find her girlfriend and tell her she cheated on her?

Tiger123

On a break? wrote: »

Guys...she's a lesbian. She went away this weekend to meet up with a girl. It's ok but I had confronted her about this girl and her sexuality a few times and denied it the whole way. The final huge deception in a relationship full of them. Heartbreak has turned to anger. I know she can't help her sexuality but I could read the signals with this girl and when I got worked up I was told I was being unfair. I gave up a big job opportunity in London to stay with her..I went to counselling for my insecurity issues!! I brought her on weekends away, holidays, bought her loads of gifts..tried to be toughtful. I had planned out how I would propose...

This girl she got off with has a girlfriend.. Should I try to find her girlfriend and tell her she cheated on her?

wow i didn't see that coming!!! seems like she knew herself with a while and should definitely have told you. as angry as you must feel i don't know if you would get anything from telling the other woman. it wouldn't be worth the hassle of tracking her down.

fungun

thats tough....but at least this time it is actually not you, its her!

No point in trying to get in touch and being vengeful.....sounds to me like she does actually really like you, but needed to try this out. If you had a great sex life with her its possible she is bisexual and not a lesbian....but for the first time fancied a girl and felt like she needed to try it out.

Sounds like its ended up being tough on both of you tbh....in situations like this dont do anything until you settle down in your feelings a bit. Its natural to be angry with her in terms of lost opportunities but she was probably lying to herself about herself, not really lying to you. Just one of those things thats ****ty when you are on the receiving end....

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

thats tough....but at least this time it is actually not you, its her!

No point in trying to get in touch and being vengeful.....sounds to me like she does actually really like you, but needed to try this out. If you had a great sex life with her its possible she is bisexual and not a lesbian....but for the first time fancied a girl and felt like she needed to try it out.

Sounds like its ended up being tough on both of you tbh....in situations like this dont do anything until you settle down in your feelings a bit. Its natural to be angry with her in terms of lost opportunities but she was probably lying to herself about herself, not really lying to you. Just one of those things thats ****ty when you are on the receiving end....

Turns out she had kissed two women before we started going out. I had suggested to her before that maybe she was, she said she wasn't attracted to women. She was lying to herself but I was on the receiving end...I brought this to her before, I could sense it...which resulted in me going to counselling due to my insecurity!...I did everything in my power to make her happy. I am really down, I don't want to live...I can't believe I've lost 2 years of my life to a woman who was fooling herself. Our sex life was terrible, I tried to be as understanding as possible about that but in the last few months I guess I could sense it was because of deeper things. I am furious with her and i know people will say she can't help things but she felt this and didn't deal with it, now things got a little tough in our relationship and she's gone. I planned my life around her. I can't go get that job again.

Tiger123

On a Break? wrote: »

Turns out she had kissed two women before we started going out. I had suggested to her before that maybe she was, she said she wasn't attracted to women. She was lying to herself but I was on the receiving end...I brought this to her before, I could sense it...which resulted in me going to counselling due to my insecurity!...I did everything in my power to make her happy. I am really down, I don't want to live...I can't believe I've lost 2 years of my life to a woman who was fooling herself. Our sex life was terrible, I tried to be as understanding as possible about that but in the last few months I guess I could sense it was because of deeper things. I am furious with her and i know people will say she can't help things but she felt this and didn't deal with it, now things got a little tough in our relationship and she's gone. I planned my life around her. I can't go get that job again.

you sound like a really lovely guy and any girl would be lucky to have you. in the larger schemes of things two years is nothing. i was going out with a fella for two years but we broke up 3 and a half years ago and i found out recently he'd been cheating on me the whole time and i wasn't that upset about it but i imagine that if i'd found out at the time i'd probably be devastated. soon you won't feel this bad

IrishEyes19

Sorry to hear that, OP, but it is closure at least. I wouldnt go about telling the other woman, whats the point getting involved in something like that. Id get a clean break now and focus on yourself and meet someone else. It must be shock I know, but you will feel better in the long run.

1939

This is a very similar situation to what happened to me at xmas. The break, seeing her having a great time without me while on the break, and eventually finding out she was involved with someone else. It was a 5 year relationship for me.

Man, its tough I know. Right now its very raw for you. You'll feel like "WTF, how has she done this??, HOW can she act like this to me".... "I would NEVER treat her like this"... "I have done SO much for her and I cant believe she can treat me this badly". Its really hard I know exactly what you are feeling like. Its only been 7 weeks for me and I still find myself crying like a little baby sometimes. All I can suggest is to get on with things. Keep busy, take up new hobbies. I go the gym 3 times a week and am buying new clothes, reinventing myself. You'd be surprised how good it makes you feel. Socializing with new ppl also helps, albeit scary when so out of your comfort zone.

I was all set for life, had the house, the kid (step son), the mortgage, the two cars, the girlfriend and even the crappy saturday night x-factor tv with popcorn. It was there laid out in front of me and then BANG.... its over. I’m back in my parent’s box room, back at square one. That was the hardest part. But it gets better, things get better. Your body and your mind have a remarkable ability to adapt. I know right now you just can’t believe its happening, all your dreams are shattered, your heart lost.. but mate you'll soon be on the road to recovery and you will see light at the end of the tunnel. Your life's targets have changed a tad bit, you just need time to adapt to the changes.

PS, my ex had an online affair on facebook. I knew who it was. I was strongly tempted to contact the Cee U Next Tuesday and call him every name under the sun, to threaten him etc but I knew it would just lower me to his and her level and I decided to stay above it and just be mature about it.

I know you feel angry at her now. You feel you've been taken for a fool. The sh1t you have had to do to keep her happy, the times you thought you were going insane but in reality you were not, she was deceiving you and it was your body telling you something was wrong here, your gut talking to you, trying to make you see clear, but its the truth when they say love is blind

I’ve been talking for ages, I think its cause I sympathize with you a lot. I really know what its like. Stick with it man, you'll come through it a stronger man

Debthree

Aw crap I'm so sorry. She cheated on you, doesn't matter if it was with a woman or a man, she cheated and was just as dishonest and lacking in integrity as anyone who cheats in a relationship. It's one thing to be confused about one's own sexuality and to wait a few years before deciding but it's a whole other situation to drag someone else (i.e. you) into it and compromise their future and their happiness while you decide if you're gay or straight. Shame on her.

You sound like a very intelligent guy, very focussed and insightful. I have a feeling you'll be just fine.

LegacyUser

Thanks again guys. I have to go to England for work the next few days. Alone..travelling alone all day and all night Thursday alone. My phone won't work over there. It couldn't be worse timing. I really wanted to cut off contact with her but then she text me a while after she left and was apologizing and trying to be nice which made me feel worse...like she was trying to make herself feel less guilty. I now feel like shoving it down her throat and texting her hateful messages constantly so she doesn't forget what kind of person she is.

I don't know how I can trust a partner again. But I'm feeling so lonely..I want somebody to hold

LegacyUser

If you can at all cut contact with her you should.

She's feeling guilty now and at the root of it thats the only reason she's trying to keep in touch. She misses you caring about her and delusiuonally thinks she can somehow salvage that while going off to do her own thing as well. She basically wants your blessing to go off with this girl now. She probably only saw you as a friend during the relationship and in her head even though this is not what you want at all she thinks you can still be friends.

1939

Man common, I know it’s really hard but you're showing classic symptoms of feeling sorry for yourself. I know it’s REALLY hard but try to avoid moping about. Keep busy, do not give yourself a chance to think. Ok you're going to England, do you know where you're going? Can you try plan out things to do, places to go when you are not busy over there? PLAN IT OUT and KEEP yourself busy! Don’t have 3 or 4 hours alone in your hotel room before you goto bed, GET OUT, explore the area. Does the hotel have a gym, WORK out, get yourself physically tired. If you are physically wreaked, you will find it much easier to avoid the anxiety, worry, your thoughts and feel better about yourself as your body will release endorphins naturally. Talk to people, about the weather, about the traffic, anything! Distraction is your friend!!

Try to forgive her for treating you so badly, not for her, but for you, so you can move on and the past doesn’t have such control over you. Avoid contact with her, she only contacts you to make herself feel better and ease her conscious. Maybe for your own closure, make it clear to her how you feel and how disappointed you are in her, how hurt you are and try to leave it at that. The earlier she is out of your life, the easier it will be for you to get over her. I myself still need to contact my ex due to finances and my emotional attachment to her son who I still see every week, I wish I could completely cut her off so this could be easier but that’s life I suppose.

Man its hard as I said earlier, I’m still right in the middle of it. You'll have good and bad days, but I can assure you time does heal and little by little you will start to feel better. Enjoy your single life, you don’t have to report to anyone! You sound like a sound chap, your single days are limited so enjoy them while you can!!!

PS I know about the trust thing, if you cant trust your partner in life, who can you trust right? Well I think you will learn from this, you will know what to look out for in the future. what to avoid, you wont be so naive in the future, so I believe you will trust again. You just need time and the right person in your life

PPS, Sunflowers advice is on the ball, making yourself tired is a great idea! But her thoughts on the X-factor... well lets talk about that another day

LegacyUser

Just thought I'd update this because I can't sleep. I have never felt such powerful emotions as I have the last 8 days or so. I became very very angry with her and was very nasty calling her all things. Whore, cheater' liar. User etc. I also felt suicidal to the point I'd decided how to end my life but struggled with the place luckily I didn't have time to figure that out before that subsided. I went 6 day without eating anything. I've lost nearly a stone. I'm barely sleeping. Maybe 3 or 4 hours a night. I was in Away for work and couldn't talk properly, the people I was presenting to asked if I was unwell.

I'd go right back to my hotel and cry. I even made a desperate attempt to get her back and said I'd let her go off with a girl for the experience if she stayed with me.

I didn't have much support in the way of calls or face to face the last while but my best friend is now spending a few days with me and has talked some sense into me. I deserve better, it's not my fault and I will be able to lean on him for support.

Not sure how I will feel in a couple of days because I'm so run down I feel numb. Thanks for everyones words of support on here