Grieving for Dad,where does boyfriend fit in?

miss red

My Dad died nearly two months ago now unexpectedly. It came as a huge shock and im trying my best to deal with this and continue with my life.

I am with my boyfriend since last november.He has been incredibly supportive thus far and has really helped me over this horrible time. He asked me if I still wanted to be in the relationship and completely understood if it was too much for me right now. I decided to stay with him.

I spent ten days with him recently and I found towards the end of the ten days we fought a lot. I would get so impatient during a fight about us because it all seems so futile and start getting upset about my dad and start talking about that. He says he understands that my dad is the most important thing on his mind but feels his feelings are sidelined and feels weird about this. I dont know what to do. On one hand he has been very supportive to me,on the other it is a lot of pressure having a new relationhsip while my emotions are so all over the place. Hes a very opposite person to me and takes a lot of time to respond.I am more instant. I find myself getting so angry at him when I tell him how im feeling and hes says nothing back.
I dont know whether I should decide to be on my own or have the courage to keep going with this. Because up to now i can say that its been an amazing story with him. I feel like im loosing faith in life and in he and I. It takes so much courage to keep going without my dad,i dont know if i have any left to relax when im around him,let things flow naturally and trust in what we have.

Fittle

Hi ms red, firstly I am really sorry for your loss. My own dad died some time ago, when I was 18, also very suddenly (he went to bed and didn't wake up - heart attack) so I can completely empathise with you.

I think you're wrong to use the word 'courage' when you say you don't know if you have the courage to stick with this relationship, because this has nothing to do with you being courageous.

Your are in the early stages of grieving for your dad - you boyfriend sounds like a good guy and sounds like he was great to you over those past few months.

But this relationship really isn't fair on both of you. You needed emotional support and he gave it - it's not an ideal way to start a relationship. If you are honest with yourself, he has probably done most of the supporting over the past few months, which is great and it's what you've needed. But what about him? I can't imagine you have been in any state to give him much emotionally - how could you?

I do admire him for staying around and for giving you the option of breaking up, I really do. But I think to be fair to both of you, you need to end this relationship for now. You really need time to grieve without having to 'work' on a very new relationship. Perhaps stay in touch with him and see how things work out in a while (if that's what he'd like to do also of course) - you just never know what's around the corner.

But you do need to process your grief in a way that you can deal with...if you don't, and this becomes a year where you tried desperately to stay in a relationship that was not good for you (at this moment in time), then you could find yourself still trying to deal with the grief in years to come...

It is a real shame that you didn't meet this guy about a year ago - things might have been so different if the relationship was a bit more established before your dads death. But for your own sake, and for his, I think you should take a break and deal with your grief. Best of luck OP, whatever you decide to do:(

Taltos

I can see where Fittle is coming from and while I agree to a point I am not always so keen to give up on a relationship straight away.

As above this relationship is still in it's infancy, 3 mts in really - you should be in the honeymoon phase still, unable to keep your hands off each other. Silly little chats and butterflies every time the phone rings.

Unfortunately fate has thrown a spanner into this right now and to be fair it is one hell of a big spanner. Your description of the fights and anger reminded me of how I was when my dad died too. We were lucky though and were together for a few years. As a result my OH had a fairly good idea when to give me space, when to just hold me and when to listen. It didn't stop the arguments but it did help. Eventually though we did have to have a serious sit down about my anger and the impact it was having on the relationship. To be honest she was my rock during this period but like above I eventually realised I could not just keep taking.

For you though, these nuances of each other are still a mystery for the most part. To be honest from what you have written about your partner he sounds like a star - I hope you realise how lucky you are and you let him know that you know that quite a bit.
So - as per Fittle - you could end it - maybe even for 6mts to try to get your head together. However, you need to be prepared that either of you could and may meet someone else so don't bank on getting back together.
The other option is to go for some grief counselling asap. Get your rage and anger out with a 3rd party and focus on having fun with your partner. You may have a bad day - but ideally this should allow you to spend time with him more as the girlfriend you were. (I still have the odd anger moment at random things - we call it "throwing a pineapple"/"pineapple moment" due to my rant to a chinese over having pineapples in my lemon chicken - who does that???)

I am not going to tell you it gets easier, you don't remember less or miss your father less, but you change and learn to accept the new you with those feelings. There is no time limit in this - but with the proper support and care you can make the change faster.

Right now though - when you feel yourself getting angry just turn around and do some breathing exercises, counting to 10 or 20 if you need to. Also visualise a really happy/peaceful image. You know now that death really should put all the little silly pissant things into perspective. What is really important are the people who love you and are there for you no matter what. Make a resolution today - you will not dwell so much on the loss of your father, when you feel yourself getting low or morose - squeeze your partners hand with all the love you feel for him and imagine instead the happy life your father always wanted for his daughter...

Best of luck OP. Don't despair.
At the same time though - if this relationship is not right for you don't stay there either, only you can tell - but do seriously think about seeking support if the rest of your life is suffering too much.