friend or not??

LegacyUser

Well first of all this is a bit of a rant so I apologise in advance!
I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years, he's a good guy, we have a great relationship, we both like each others friends and usually we all go out together in one big group.

I noticed a few months ago that one of my friends was behaving differently towards my boyfriend...making inappropriate comments about her sexlife, getting way too touchy feely with him and telling us both what he'd probably like to do to her..blah blah blah . That might be ok if she was like that all the time but she isn't at all she's usually quite reserved.

She also physically comes between us whether we are walking down the street holding hands or just talking in the pub she comes over and literally pushes us apart and then kind of turns her back on me while talking to my boyfriend.I let it go for too long, i thought I was being paranoid, but it was getting worse so I asked my boyfriend if he'd noticed anything, he had but wasn't sure how to say it to me.
It makes us both feel really uncomfortable and he does try to discourage her but she doesn't get the hint.
She is not like this to the other guys in our group and I just don't know why she's started doing it, it was all normal until about 6 or 7 months ago.
When she does it I usually get annoyed and don't have a good night so I decided the best way to deal with it was not to let the situation arise, so she doesn't come out with us as much, I meet her for coffee and have a drink with her the odd time but I don't really go out anymore with her, but of course there's the odd time it has to happen for big nights out, its been ages since we've all been out together but we all went out tonight and she was as bad as ever. I don't think she would do anything but I think she would like to think she could if she wanted. I'm really hurt by the way she's carrying on, I've been friends with her since school and i never thought she would behave like this
I'm not a jealous person, I trust my boyfriend 100% he's friends with all my other friends and we all have a laugh together.
I Don't know why she started doing this but enough is enough I want it to stop, I want things to be how they were before and i don't want this happening anymore but I'm not sure what to do...

Chinafoot

Tell her you find her behaviour inappropriate and you want it to stop.

If she's been at it for this long she's hardly going to get a sudden flash of inspiration that she's out of order. You need to open your mouth and say it to her. Maybe she doesn't realise she's doing it, maybe she's madly in love with him, either way, if you want it to stop you need to speak to her.

I had a friend who did this with my boyfriend all the time. In her case it was her need to think he fancied her that drove her behaviour rather than her actually wanting him. Like you I trusted my boyfriend 100% and he just ignored her. I said it to her one night in a non-confrontational way (because tbh I found her behaviour hilarious) and she denied it but I did notice afterwards that she was more toned down with him than she had been previously.

Speak to her when you next meet her for coffee and take it from there.

Azureus

Eugh, such an annoying situation!

You meet up for coffee and a drink etc with her, so during one of these times have achat with her and let her know how it looks from your point of view and how its making you uncomfortable. Any good friend at this point will be mortified and promise to back off straight away, because friends do not put friends in these situations, even if it WAS just your paranoia! But it doesnt sound at all like paranoia. Im fairly laid back when it comes to this stuff and wouldnt consider myself jealous at all, but if a friend was acting like that towards my fella she'd be pulled up on it pronto!

LegacyUser

I'd be dumping her as a friend.

Friends don't do this.

She doesn't care about you. Her behaviour is highly inappropriate to anyone's boyfriend, nevermind HER FRIEND'S boyfriend.

Forget her. There are a lot of nice decent people out there to be friends with that won't do this.

+1 on the "Eugh".

Friend or not? Not. Regardless of her inappropriate behaviour towards your boyfriend, the next time she pushes inbetween/by you, push her back. Anytime ANYONE pushes you, push back. Her actions towards your boyfriend show she has no respect for you, and take tact to deal with, but to physically push you is disrespect of a completely different kind, very overt and can be tackled right there and then by not allowing it. Physically stop her. Only use force proportional to what she has used, and it should go like this:
-she smoothly tries to wiggle her way in.
-you block, not using much force.
-she becomes more forceful, tries to push you
-at this point you use force proportional to hers, pointedly not allowing her in
-she pushes harder
-you push back.
-she realises she would need to use a lot of force to get in, knows it would be too overt even for her, and either embarrasses herself by trying, or goes off in a sulk.
-you kiss your boyfriend, ignoring her.
-she explodes with envy, and little pieces of her get in your hair.
-buy extra strong shampoo.
Job done.

P.S. I'm not encouraging, violence, only standing your ground with enough strength that she can't separate you from your boyfriend.

Lyra Fangs

Next time you meet up with her say it to her straight that you find her behaviour inappropriate.

Best case scenario: she agrees to back off your boyfriend and things more or less return to normal.

Worst case scenario: she denies everything and wants nothing more to do with you. You lose a friend you're better off without and she no longer throws herself at your boyfriend.

Either way she'll leave your boyfriend alone, so in that respect you can't lose. If however her friendship is important to you then it's a risk you're going to have to take.

LegacyUser

you're all right, I have to say it to her, i hate the thoughts of it! But i suppose if I want it to stop its the only thing to do, should have nipped it in the bud as soon as it started.
True or false....good idea!! I must try that next time and see what happens!!
Thanks for all the advice