does a glambler ever really change?

wonderingwhy?

This is my 1st time writing on boards.ie and im just looking for some advice,
im married to a recovering glambler but i still find it very hard to trust him at times but i know that if he stay's on the straight and narrow that we can build that trust back again.
The past 2 years have been the worst ever because of his addiction but iv stuck by him becauce i love him dearly, i mean i would'nt leave him if he became a drug addict so im not gona run a mile now, through thick and thin i'l be their for him as long as he wants to be helped, but i just want to hear from other people that have been in my situation. DOES THIS GET ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it would be great to hear from ANYBODY

x PyRo

Moved from Gambling.

I think this is better suited here?

Best of luck OP, couldn't give you any advice myself as I've never been in the situation.

Wisco

Personally, I couldn't stay with a gambler. In fact, it's one of the reasons my marriage broke up. However, my ex would not admit a problem, nor seek treatment. If your husband is in some kind of program and has good support from you and your family, I think there can be a positive outcome here. But yes, I imagine you will always have some trust issues- I know I did. In fact, it wasn't the loss of money gambling that made me leave, it was the constant lying.
So for your sake, I really hope he's in a treatment programme and that since you love him so much, you're fully able to give him support and encourage him to stay on the straight and narrow. Gambling aside, there were other issues that caused my breakup, so don't lose hope! If you're both committed, you can get through this.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Don't ever have a joint bank or savings account

Check your credit rating information to ensure he's not de-frauding you.

Ensure you get rent deducted from his salary as soon as you get paid.

wonderingwhy?

thank you wisco for ur reply, i really hope we can get trough this, we've been together over ten years and this is our 1st ever MAJOR bump in our relationship, i want to help him an he wants to be helped so hopefully we can get past this, now dont get me wrong is been very hard with all the liein and everything an plus he's still in alot of depth because of all the borrowing he was doing behind my back,which is why i think were still not getting along like we used to, but slowly we're BOTH trying to pay it back but its so hard not to resent him for what he's done to our family, i feel like were after missing out on our son's 1st 2 years of his life coz its all been such a blur with everything thats after happening. he's in GA meeting now an im looking into booking couples counciling so we can both come to tearms with everything as when we start to talk about it we start argueing. ps.. we'v no joint accounts any more and i watch his money which i hate coz i feel like his mother, i just want to trust him AGAIN.:(

little lady

Hi OP,

You said that he is in GA which is great, but I was wondering if you had ever attended any of the Gamanon meeting, basically support meetings for the family and frineds of gamblers.

I attended when I was with my ex (we broke up for different reasons) and found them a great support. It was such a help to see people at different stages and gives such hope that you can get through it together.

Most places that hold GA meetings have Gamanon meetings attached but you can find meetings close to you on the website -

www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamanon/gamanon.html

eddison

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear of your difficulties. Gambling or any addiction is not a thing that happens to a well balanced human being. Look deeper, much deeper under the surface, to see if and possibly, are their any causes to this?

Addiction is not cured by cutting the leaves off, but by digging the roots up, and killing them. It could happen that he stops gambling, but swaps this for another addiction.
That is because the roots are still there, and the weed is not dead. The weed being- what is really causing this. What you may consider is getting your husband to face the true problem, and not its symptom. Then you will not only cure gambling, or other addictions, but also your relationship will deepen. Then you will be able to trust him, as the roots of the addiction are dead, as you KNOW he has no need to gamble as there is no cause to.

Otherwise this cause will only fester, grow stronger, and come out in other ways sooner or later. Is he peaceful? Has he significant inner confidence? Does he have good attitudes to people, life? Any past trauma issues you might not be aware of, or he has buried? What is his self worth like? He must be a good person to have such loyalty, and he is very lucky to have such an understanding woman.

without question he should meditate. People underestimate the power of meditation. And you know part of gambling is a type of meditation, and excitement. when one meditates for a while, a type of inner excitement grows, and a feeling of Joy. It would not make sense to have other false 'hits' like gambling if one is regularly meditating.

wonderingwhy?

Thank u eddison for writing what u did, I totaly agree wit u as my husband went trough an awful lot in his childhood and teens an iv always told him that he should speak to a councilor to get things off his chest as we all no that sometimes its easier to talk to a stranger about our issues but he always said he was fine and tat he was over it an getting on wit his life. So I couldn't agree with u more on tat one. Hopefully when we go to couples counseling tat he wil address his past an maybe then I can leave him to talk with out me by his said coz id say he'd hold back quite a bit if I was their. Thanks again for ur advice it means alot .

northern lights

Hi wonderingwhy,
Sent you a pm

eddison

Hi OP,

Yes, I felt Husband would not get counselling too easy, and thats why I thought he could run with meditation. He needs to replace the 'hit' he gets with gambling, with something less destructive. A hobby for instance. Hobbies are a form of meditation too. Find out what he would really like, for instance slot car racing! you would be surprised how many guys are into this. There are dozens of hobbies, find out which he would REALLY like.
To be able to thank someone is a rare and special heart. I'm delighted anythng i said made some sense to you.
Don't forget to pray!