Do I give counselling another chance?

davy12

It's been about one month since I visited a counsellor for help in addressing my social problems - I have no friends and ergo no social life. Every weekend is spent in the living room with my parents watching TV.

I can't break the cycle. I just can't help myself to overcome this. I'm 33yo and never had a relationship with a girl. I've got no friends, and most things I do, I do alone.

For instance, tonight I was meant to be going to watch a movie, but I was late leaving the house, so I drove down to the cinema, and joined the queue. I got really anxious about being alone that I left. I didn't want a cinema full of people to see me all alone watching the movie. The queue was all uni age people out in groups laughing and joking. And there was me in the middle of it. So I left and drove home again. I nearly broke down crying on the drive home. I felt so alone.

I've joined a night class to get myself out. It is the only plus point I've got. I stay longer than I need to at work because I am around people. The house I'm in is lonely as my housemates are rarely in - which TBH sometimes is good as I can just sit and relax.

I don't know what to do. I am meant to go back and revisit my counsellor soon. But I am unsure as to whether I should or not. I've tried counselling so many times before in the past to no avail.

Is this my life? I've read articles where it states that it can be hard for anyone to make friends as they get older, so what chance is there for a loner like me? Maybe that is it - I am a loner. It is what I am. And even though I was to change it I can't, because you cannot change your true self.

I've often thought about going away to live somewhere else, like the USA. But deep down I know the main reason I'd be going is because of what I've seen on TV and movies. I realise that reality is not like that, and that it is best not to run away from your problems. How will living in USA make things better? I can't see how. I'll not suddenly morph from the loner into party boy. I think I've been sucked in by the MTV shows etc which show fun people having fun times.

So, what do I do? I long for friends. But, I find Belfast to be a place where it is difficult to break into social groups. People seem to stick in tight groupings here. That is just my perception.

I like my job here and at the gym I know a few people to speak to, but there is nothing more than a hi or quick chat about exercises. I am not a team game person, so football etc does not appeal to me. I did look into tennis, but the cost of joining a club was a non starter.

I'm very frustrated now. I see my social life slipping away from me. I see my chances to have fun dating slipping away. I see my chances to get married and have a family virtually extinguished now. What have I got to look forward to?

Social contact is very important in peoples lives - it is the one thing that retired people are constantly told to keep up. What is going to happen to me?

Am I a weirdo? I think I am. I'm a nice guy, but i think part of the problem is people do not realise my position, and there is no way I am going to relate this tale to people in real life.

I did say to myself that this year was my last roll of the dice to get my life sorted. It is not going well so far.

I just don't know what to do. Counselling does not work for me. I find it embarassing and frustrating. I know I've only had one session with this woman, but after 10 minutes I was looking at my watch hoping it would end.

dan_d

Why do you find counselling embarassing and frustrating?

That's the whole point of counselling.You're supposed to face your demons.You're supposed to talk about things that you don't really want to talk about because they frighten you. You're supposed to be a bit outside your comfort zone. It's supposed to make you think about yourself. And it's not supposed to work in one session.

There's no way you can get any benefit out of counselling unless you try it for a few sessions. I will say that you mightn't get the right counsellor for you straight away, but you do need a few sessions in order to establish that maybe they aren't right for you. One session just won't do it Davy, sorry.

I've read a few of your posts and threads here. You are your own worst enemy Davy, I'm afraid. And the only way to change that is to change your way of thinking.At the moment you're obsessing over friends/marriage etc. Obsessively obsessing. Often people pick up on that and it can scare them off a bit.I know (and believe me I do, I suffer from quite high anxiety) that it's easy to say, but you need to relax. I think I've pointed out to you before - your posts are very negative, full of negative statements. You've a lot of "I can'ts" and "I'm not able" and "nothing works out" in them.You really,really have to change those statements, just to begin changing other aspects of your life.Your post looks for help, yet in the first 4 lines you say "you can't break the cycle".Already, you're telling yourself it can't be done, even though you want help.How can anyone help you, if you think you can't be helped??

Well done on the night class, by the way though. Is there anything else you could do other than tennis???

davy12

How can anyone help me - I don't know.

What I do know is that councelling is one of the biggest frauds on the go at the minute - and that is saying something. It is easy to sit and talk about issues - Jesus i could do it until the cows come home.

Councellors (and i've been to many) are not all like those you get on the Telly). It is a job for them - a way of making money, it's not about job satisfaction in regards to improving peoples life.

They take the credit willingly and readily when the client improves their life. Yet when no improvement is made, the fault is with the client for not being motivated to make the change and accept no responsibility for the outcome. And worryingly, it seems to be accepted with little question. Now that's a cushy number. I wish in my job that I could just shrug my shoulders and point the finger elsewhere. I've seen about 8 different councellors - and all but one of them was a waste of time. They are all a bunch of charlatans.

encore1

would you consider heading off and seeing the world for a year? get away from the obvious rut you're stuck in here and put yourself into a position where you're forced to meet - or at least interact with other people?

davy12

dan_d wrote: »

Why do you find counselling embarassing and frustrating?

It is just talking - raking over my failings for no real reason. No forward planning. No advice on what to do. No real understanding of my predicament. Then they wheel out the patronising "There is always someone worse than you" line.

That's the whole point of counselling.You're supposed to face your demons.You're supposed to talk about things that you don't really want to talk about because they frighten you. You're supposed to be a bit outside your comfort zone. It's supposed to make you think about yourself. And it's not supposed to work in one session.

Talk, talk, talk. There is only so much benefit you can get from talking about your past and the reasons why you are f**ked up. It is the action plan where it all falls down.

There's no way you can get any benefit out of counselling unless you try it for a few sessions. I will say that you mightn't get the right counsellor for you straight away, but you do need a few sessions in order to establish that maybe they aren't right for you. One session just won't do it Davy, sorry.

I've tried more than my fair share of these idiots.

I've read a few of your posts and threads here. You are your own worst enemy Davy, I'm afraid. And the only way to change that is to change your way of thinking.At the moment you're obsessing over friends/marriage etc. Obsessively obsessing. Often people pick up on that and it can scare them off a bit.I know (and believe me I do, I suffer from quite high anxiety) that it's easy to say, but you need to relax. I think I've pointed out to you before - your posts are very negative, full of negative statements.

Of course, they are negative - I'm depressed, lonely, single and a virgin FFS!

You've a lot of "I can'ts" and "I'm not able" and "nothing works out" in them.You really,really have to change those statements, just to begin changing other aspects of your life.Your post looks for help, yet in the first 4 lines you say "you can't break the cycle".Already, you're telling yourself it can't be done, even though you want help.How can anyone help you, if you think you can't be helped??

And that is what the charlatans (councellors) should be paid for. Or do you all think they should get easy money? It is their job to help me overcome these issues. In no other field of medicine that I am aware of does the patient have to cure him/herself. If they cannot help me then they are not proficient at their job.

I don't baulk when I'm asked by my boss to do something difficult. Why can they - and more importantly, why is it acceptable that a difficult case for these people can be just thrown out because it wasn't an easy fix for them?

Well done on the night class, by the way though. Is there anything else you could do other than tennis???

Dunno, too annoyed to think at the minute.

dellas1979

How many threads are you going to start about this?

You just wont acknowledge that you/your behaviour is the problem.

Not ALL the councellors youve seen. Not everyone on here trying, exasperatingly, giving time to give you advice.

In the few weeks that you havent posted, I actually thought about you, and thought "jees maybe he thought about everything and took some advice on board".

How many times have you been told that councellors cannot and never will fix you - they give you the tools to fix yourself. They wont fix you davy -they wont - you are placing all your eggs in one basket and where the councellor will never meet your unrealistic expectation. You are only making this worse for yourself, yet you steam away there, cussing at people, getting angry.

In a short sentence, you need to get real.

Smashhits

davy12 wrote: »

How can anyone help me - I don't know.

What I do know is that councelling is one of the biggest frauds on the go at the minute - and that is saying something. It is easy to sit and talk about issues - Jesus i could do it until the cows come home.

Councellors (and i've been to many) are not all like those you get on the Telly). It is a job for them - a way of making money, it's not about job satisfaction in regards to improving peoples life.

They take the credit willingly and readily when the client improves their life. Yet when no improvement is made, the fault is with the client for not being motivated to make the change and accept no responsibility for the outcome. And worryingly, it seems to be accepted with little question. Now that's a cushy number. I wish in my job that I could just shrug my shoulders and point the finger elsewhere. I've seen about 8 different councellors - and all but one of them was a waste of time. They are all a bunch of charlatans.

Not that I'm an expert or anything but what was the reason you didn't go back to this one? If you felt he/she was any good why did you stop with your sessions? I can't know how you are feeling but I do see a lot of negativity in your post. I've been in a particular difficult place this past year and i've been to a few counsellor's and am hopefully going to get through this.
Please focus on the positives things in your life. Good Luck, Really hope things improve for you.

davy12

Smashhits wrote: »

Not that I'm an expert or anything but what was the reason you didn't go back to this one? If you felt he/she was any good why did you stop with your sessions?

It was a fixed block of sessions through the NHS. it could not go on much longer. I asked to go back, but it did not materialise.

davy12

dellas1979 wrote: »

How many threads are you going to start about this?

You just wont acknowledge that you/your behaviour is the problem.

Not ALL the councellors youve seen. Not everyone on here trying, exasperatingly, giving time to give you advice.

In the few weeks that you havent posted, I actually thought about you, and thought "jees maybe he thought about everything and took some advice on board".

How many times have you been told that councellors cannot and never will fix you - they give you the tools to fix yourself. They wont fix you davy -they wont - you are placing all your eggs in one basket and where the councellor will never meet your unrealistic expectation. You are only making this worse for yourself, yet you steam away there, cussing at people, getting angry.

In a short sentence, you need to get real.

Fair enough.

Ickle Magoo

Locked @ OP's request.