What is your opinion of vanity?

santana75

I was waiting to be served in a shoe shop the other day and there was this woman there accompanied by her 13 year old daughter(I overheard her tell another woman the age of her daughter). I was in that shop for over an hour, so too were mother and daughter. There were several a full length mirrors in the shop and during the hour that I was there I saw this womans daughter preen and admire herself repeatedly in front of those mirrors. Literally she would sit down and then get up two minutes later and do the same preening, admiring herself routine again and again. Her mother saw what she was doing but never called her on it. I found the whole display fairly depressing. Here was this girl, basically still a kid and she was consumed by her own vanity. If she were my daughter and I had seen her repeatedly pose the way she had I would definitely have pulled her up on it, sat her down and talked to her about her behaviour.
I realise its important to look after yourself and your own appearance, for the sake of your self esteem. But what I saw in that shop wasnt just looking after your appearance it was something else entirely.

If you caught your child constantly posing in the mirror and admiring themselves like this girl was, would you talk to them about it? What is your opinion on vanity, have you no problem with it or does it turn you off completely?

looksee

It does seem a bit strange, but she's 13, there are only so many things you can nag a 13 year old for and maybe the mother felt this was not one of them.

Maybe she waited till they were out of the shop before commenting.

Maybe she did not want to create a 'situation' out of nothing, it would have have been worse for her authority if she had asked/told the child to stop and been ignored.

Maybe the child had some sort of behavioural problem that would not be helped by starting a row in a shop. If she had been affecting other customers in some way (other than being mildly irritating), or meddling with stock etc, then yes, she should be corrected, but not for what she was doing.

iguana

The kid has confidence in and a love of her changing body. Imo that's utterly fantastic.

Too many kids her age, and grown adults, especially females, are unhappy with their looks to the point where it causes moderate to severe distress. Tbh, I have a much bigger problem with the fact that you think her behaviour was objectionable, how are women supposed to feel happy about their looks when others (especially women) think that's something she should be admonished for? I've always been extremely happy with how I look but it's just not ok for me to say that. As a woman it's expected that I should either be insecure and want to change bits of me or be too old/boring/sporty/smart to ever think about how I look.

She's 13, she's either seeing her breasts come in and is happy about it but too young to think she should be discreet, or she's aping what she thinks of as adult behaviour and was purposefully making a big deal of fixing her appearance so that everyone in the shop could see how "grown-up" she is.

seenitall

Well said, iguana. IMO, to be enthralled with one's own image at 13 is a reflection of a healthy psychological development. It's those people who are not over it by the time they are done with adolescence, who I'd worry about.

Giselle

Also, the child is only 13 and still at an age where her imagination is playing a large part in her ability to entertain herself. What may have appeared to be obsessive preening might just have been an outward expression of some internal game being played.

After all, she was in a shoe shop for over an hour. Bored kids come up with ways of entertaining themselves when they're held captive like that.:)

I agree with Iguana, its great she thinks she's worth admiring if thats even what she was doing.

PhysiologyRocks

Agree with Iguana in general.

It is also possible that she was admiring a new outfit/haircut.

Or her perceived vanity could come from insecurity, as is the case with quite a few teenage girls I know.

santana75

This was not healthy teenage personal growth, you had to be there to understand what Im talking about. It was a bit over the top. This was not being comfortable in your skin, which is healthy. Modesty is healthy, this was not modest. And Im not saying people should regress to the bad old opressive catholic church days, no way. But theres a middle ground and that 13 year old definitely was on the far side of the middle ground.

Eve_Dublin

Oh man. This is one thing I despise about Ireland and don't miss one bit. I live in Madrid and I'm surrounded by gorgeous young men and women everyday who take pride in their looks, who know they look great and are brimming with confidence because of it. I see young girls preening themselves in mirrors on the Metro and I'm slightly envious that I wasted so many of my own teenage years thinking I was fat or ugly when I look at photos of myself in my younger years and I was beautiful. I distinctly remember avoiding mirrors at that age because I didn´t like what I saw. What we call vanity in Ireland is self-confidence and self-assuredness in other countries and I´m so glad to be away from all that. My Irish unbringing raises it´s ugly head sometimes, much to the bemusement of foreign friends here. My Greek friend here one time commented on my looks (positively) and I almost melted into a puddle of embarrassment and disbelief. I can´t take a compliment about my looks but that´s improving. People would probably call the Spanish a vain nation and yes, looks are definitely much more important here than home but I see average looking people walk around with their heads held high, making the most of what they got and I can only dream. Look at virtually ANY other nation outside Ireland and you see women who generally like how they look, carry themselves well and are super confident because of it. I come from a country of, "Ah you look grand, sure who´ll be looking at you anyway!" and where considering yourself to be an attractive woman is seen as conceited and must be hidden. There´s women in Ireland who know they´re good looking and have been told it by everyone but have to pretend it´s not true...for what reason? I don´t understand it. Your OP is more of that malarky. I hate it.

iguana

Giselle wrote: »

Also, the child is only 13 and still at an age where her imagination is playing a large part in her ability to entertain herself. What may have appeared to be obsessive preening might just have been an outward expression of some internal game being played.

You just reminded me that I was always doing that at that age. On my summer holidays between 1st and 2nd year, when I was alone I was often looking in the mirror facing down Diana from V. I thought I was the only one who did things like that.:)

Giselle

iguana wrote: »

You just reminded me that I was always doing that at that age. On my summer holidays between 1st and 2nd year, when I was alone I was often looking in the mirror facing down Diana from V. I thought I was the only one who did things like that.:)

Its funny, isn't it? If you think you're the only person feeling or doing something you think is just for you, chances are half the kids your age are doing something pretty similar.:)

I used to look in the mirror and deliver the put-downs I only wished I'd thought of when the school Mean Girls targeted me.

donfers

just a quick point

constantly checking yourself in the mirror and preening is not necessarily a sign of self-confidence and being comfortable in your own skin, quite the contrary it can quite often be the case that it's the sign of the opposite and an innate dissatisfaction with one's self-image

in my opinion, a sign that man or woman is attractive or content about how they look is how they carry themselves, their body language, how they make eye contact, even their tone of voice....dolling yourself up and staring at yourself in the mirror every 5 minutes are not necessarily evidence of a positive self-image

vanity or self-regard is not something that is just frowned upon when women exhibit these characteristics in Ireland so I'm disappointed but not surprised that some are making this into a gender issue, if anything men get an even harder time if they display any signs of vanity in ireland, for example stop for a few seconds to fix your hair in the men's toilets and the inevitable "you're gorgeous" comments will follow.....i agree it can be a tad backward and repressive at times but having lived in both Italy and Spain I'd prefer to tread on our line of the spectrum, where humility and modesty are the order of the day rather than us being so fixated on our looks to the point that it becomes an obsession (and is even more harmful to self-image as there is such competition to look good and such a societal emphasis on it) which is what happens in Spain and particularly Italy

prinz

donfers wrote: »

just a quick point
constantly checking yourself in the mirror and preening is not necessarily a sign of self-confidence and being comfortable in your own skin, quite the contrary it can quite often be the case that it's the sign of the opposite and an innate dissatisfaction with one's self-image. in my opinion, a sign that man or woman is attractive or content about how they look is how they carry themselves, their body language, how they make eye contact, even their tone of voice....dolling yourself up and staring at yourself in the mirror every 5 minutes are not necessarily evidence of a positive self-image

+1 many times. Self confidence, esteem and a positive self image are not only about checking yourself out and dolling yourself up on a regular basis. Hopefully this girl is happy in herself, but for many people, checking themselves out in the mirror is less about appreciating themselves and more about focusing on the perceived negatives and developing issues over weight, height, teeth, moles, scars, whatever. This also happens.

KnocKnocKnock

donfers wrote: »

just a quick point

constantly checking yourself in the mirror and preening is not necessarily a sign of self-confidence and being comfortable in your own skin, quite the contrary it can quite often be the case that it's the sign of the opposite and an innate dissatisfaction with one's self-image

in my opinion, a sign that man or woman is attractive or content about how they look is how they carry themselves, their body language, how they make eye contact, even their tone of voice....dolling yourself up and staring at yourself in the mirror every 5 minutes are not necessarily evidence of a positive self-image

But this wasn't a woman, this was a 13 year old girl. I think it's a normal part of growing up to become more "aware" of yourself at this age, looking at yourself more, being more aware of your movements, your thoughts etc which to others might seem narcissistic or "self obsessed" at times.

Also, you change so much at that age, maybe she suddenly noticed she now had high cheekbones instead of the round baby face she was used to, maybe she noticed her breasts had grown, maybe she couldn't believe how clear her skin was when it had been so bad last week. I think it's a normal psychological phase at that age, as well as the fact that the frequent changes in appearance catch their attention.