Mother-in-law versus ME

LegacyUser · 09-02-2011 8:00pm #1

I'm a 32-year-old woman, marrying the love of my life, "Mike", in six months, he's 36 and we've been together for many years.

We first met in our final year of college, we both went travelling together, we settled in Australia where we got engaged and returned to Ireland more recently.

He is the love of my life but that's not to say he is completely perfect. He has always been a little weak when it comes to dealing with others, he's inclined to get walked on a little. He fully admits this, he has a habit of being overly nice, polite and respectful and though some would find this very unattractive, it's what attracted me to him in the first place. He's always helping older people with their shopping, he'll stop and help if he sees a kid fall of their bike or a mother needing help with a pushchair on a stairs.

I'm the opposite of Mike in a lot of ways. I'm very well able to go and can stick up for myself - probably because of my upbringing which was very poor. Both of my parents are full-time alcoholics and I disowned them in my late teens. I have no contact with them now and don't plan to ever again.

I had met Mike's family several times before moving back to Ireland permanently, but I don't suppose I ever got to properly *KNOW* them before now.

The problem is Mike's mother. I don't want to refer to her as the mother-in-law from hell but she is certainly extremely interfering and over-involved in her son's life.

Of course this was never evident until now, where she has the ability to be in his life from day-to-day.

Mike's parents gave him a site and we have built a house on this site. The house is now at the stage of interior decoration. As it happens, this is the area I work in for a living. Mike's mother, however, has elected herself as chief designer.

The house is 5 miles from his parents house and now, I'm beginning to wonder what I'm getting myself into.

The house is officially Mike's as it's on the land donated to him by his parents - this is something they've done for all of their children. Mike was paying builders to erect this house while we were living in Australia, but he wants me to live in it with him as a married couple and I'm happy to do this. We are only partially living there now as the house is still being decorated.

I will be contributing equally towards all household expenses, and this all works out fine for us as we have lived together for many, many years now. When we are married, the house will truly feel like *OURS* but meanwhile, things are a little awkward.

His mother seems to think she has a stake in the house as she is very frequently there and stuck in the middle of every minor decision. Meanwhile Mike seems to always agree with her, and take the back seat on any decision she wants to make because he sees it as being respectful to his elders.

I could provide thousands of examples but I'd bore everyone to death. But this week, we were painting a bedroom. I had picked out the colour on the card and told Mike which paint to get. Mike has asked me to make all decorative decisions as he knows little about this area, we discuss and he approves of everything I suggest. Mike asked his mother to get the paint and I had concerns when I heard this but chose not to intervene.

Mike and I work full-time. Mike's mother has a key to the house as she has been letting electricians etc in while we are away.

We arrived home from work late to discover Mike's mother midway through painting the upstairs bedroom a completely different colour to the one Mike and I had agreed to.

This has now happened again and again in various forms.

She thought this colour suited the room better, she loves it (I couldn't hate it more) and convinced Mike that it suits the room more. Mike understood that I would be a little annoyed about this but feels that his mother is just trying to be good and helpful, and she continually boasted to us about how she had done most of the painting herself saving us from having to do it.

I love this work. I'm happy to do it. I've told her this. But it happens again and again.

She's chosen most of the downstairs designs. From curtains to countertops. She overrules me every time, and there's really not a lot I can say because from her eyes, it's her son's house and I'm simply his lodger, the soon-to-be wife who will move into the house but did not buy the land or pay for the erection of the house. I am however going 50-50 with him on the interiors though.

Mike's father seems to fully understand my plight, though it hasn't been discussed up front. He always agrees with me, jokes about his wife taking over every situation and always sides with me when it comes to one of these little chats about how she thinks her choice of carpet suits the sitting room better than what we've chosen. Mike is inclined to stand there and shrug, not wanting to get involved.

I know this sounds minor but it is really upsetting when it happens again and again.

And it's not just the house she's interfering with. Last night while sanding some wood, Mike got some dirt/dust in his eye. He asked me to look into his eye and see if I could see anything. Meanwhile his mother ran into the room having overheard him and started trying to push me out of the way, getting stuck in the middle of us, telling me it would be better if she checked. She seems to have an extremely over-elevated sense of herself and her abilities.

I ignored her initially, but she kept ordering me where exactly I should look, then told me to move aside so she could check, and got so much in my way that I had no choice but to step back and let her in.

Probably due to my lack of relationship with my parents, I found this quite disturbing. The man is 36, he and I have been together for YEARS and I'm perfectly capable of checking his eye. I understand this woman gave birth to him, etc, but I feel that once a boy hits his teens, it's time for the mammy to back off a bit and let him grow.

She proceeded to spend the next couple of minutes holding his head and his eye open checking for dust. This didn't seem to bother him at all, it seemed like a perfectly normal thing for her to do.

One other small example of what's annoyed me recently was a week after we moved back to Ireland. For the last several years, Mike has had a beard. I absolutely loved this beard and I told him that regularly. I found it very sexy and he looked just adorable to me. He got a kick out of it too as he hadn't had a beard before that and he was very proud of it in a silly way.

The moment we arrived at Dublin Airport, his mother greeted us and declared that she wasn't at all fond of his beard. Over the next few days I heard her complain about it to him several times, telling him to get rid of it, that it didn't suit him. I told him to keep it, that it's lovely. He said he liked it himself.

On the Saturday I was away visiting friends, and I came home to a beardless Mike. His mother quickly explained that she had finally convinced him to get rid of 'that rotten beard'. She didn't ask me how I felt about this.

Okay. So she didn't like the beard. She didn't have to. It's none of her business, IMO. She gave birth to him a long time ago, she raised him, but his facial hair is no longer her business as far as I'm concerned.

I discussed this issue with him later, I was very disappointed he got rid of the beard as I found it very attractive, and he told me to just leave it out, that hair grows, and that he wanted to get rid of it anyway.. contrary to everything he said up to then.

And while hair does grow, she's telling him he needs a shave every time he has some 5 O'Clock shadow.

He genuinely seems to be torn between two women; me and his mother!

I've talked to him about all of this openly. I feel he is being too weak and should stand up to her a bit more, that he should take my side a little more in situations or stick up for himself rather than always having to do exactly as she suggests while painting it as 'respect for the parents'.

He thinks I'm being very disrespectful to his mother who raised him and gave him everything she could to give her son the best possible life, and that I can't appreciate the work she is putting in now to lessen the load on us in the evening after working all day. He thinks my attitude is due to my own lack of a relationship with my parents, he thinks this is a normal mother-son relationship, and that I just don't understand it.

And perhaps he's right? I'm willing to back down here and take the back seat. I just don't know what's *normal* I guess.

I just really want to sort this out now because the longer this goes on, the harder it will be. We are planning to start a family in the next two years, I don't want to be stepped upon daily by the MIL in front of my children. I don't want to tell the children they're not allowed ice-cream only to have their grandmother convincing them that ice-cream is good for them. (I know that's a bit over-dramatic but it's exactly what I foresee down the road)

I know this is just a modern situation. In the past, the house came after the marriage, and that probably made things a lot easier and clearer. But now, I'm already in the house and not yet the wife, and his mother sees that she has more of a stake in the house than me, given her husband owned this land all of his life and they have now signed it to their son.

She is extremely Catholic and old-fashioned, and I know she has a huge issue with us living together for years without being married (she's told me she does not agree with this) so I think that is a factor here too. Overall, I know she wouldn't pick me for her son, I'm not at all religious and am missing other qualities she'd like in a DIL, but I don't care about that. I know he loves me and I love him, and we have gone through a LOT together before, but I never could've known how he'd handle his mother's bullying ways.

Before people suggest I leave him, I won't be. A relationship isn't always straight-forward and easy. He and I have been through hell and back together. We have worked through tough times. Economically, we have no option but to live in this house now. It's not a case where we can up and leave again even if we wanted to. I really need to find a way to live alongside his mother in harmony, while convincing him to "man-up" a bit when it comes to her. But I don't want to cause him to fall out with his mother either, perhaps this is just my problem and her relationship is the perfect mother-son relationship.

I have no idea.

Are there any girls out there who have moved into their boyfriend's house on his parents' land and had it all work itself out in time?

Thanks.

LegacyUser · 10-02-2011 12:03am

well for one thing, you could say when she is painting the place: " I know you like it but I've always hated that colour". Leave it at that and see what she says.

He needs to differentiate between being respectful and respecting himself and respecting you.

My mother hated my beard and long hair for a year. I used to respond with "that's the way the women like it". I laughed off her comments and made light of it. In the same way if she commented on what I wore, I'd respond with "I love the way you criticise me when you see me"..... she has learned not to be so critical.

Your fella has to learn to say no. It's not disrespectful, it's quite normal. If she gets upset, well so be it. There's being nice and then there's being a wuss. Mike is being a wuss - he doesn't seem to ever want to go against her wishes.

Take charge of the rest of the house now. Give your painters & decorators a deadline, get it done, don't consult the MIL and don't give Mike tasks as it looks like he may just get the mother to do it.

What's going to happen when you do move in? Will she have a key? Will she be around to tidy up? Will she let herself in for tea? You kind of need to set boundaries here.

If his dad understands, maybe it would be wise talking to him to see if there's anything that he could do to ease the situation. Ultimately though, Mike has to be more of a man.

whatdoicare · 10-02-2011 1:15am

The only thing you can do is have a frank discussion with your fiancee and tell him in no uncertain terms that it's you or the mammy.
Lay out exactly what you think is okay and what you think is unacceptable (such as, mammy not allowed in house without an appointment, colours that you and mike decide are what goes on walls, mammy no longer allowed to change decisions already made etc etc) and then let him know what you fear for the future (Kids etc). Set up the boundaries, so to speak.
Give him a time frame to start implementing these boundaries and if he fails to do so, then I'm afraid you'll both have to reassess your relationship and it's future.
Might give him the wake up call he needs to man up and tell his mammy to back off. He might be under the impression that you merely have to get used to it and that you'll grow to accept the situation in return for a house, let him know that that is not the way it's gonna be.
YOU are the no1 woman in his life and mammy won't be there to give him cuddles at night or give him kiddies and a future. He probably hasn't thought of that (or that the girl mammy wants for him no longer exists in todays world, should you leave him).

Goldenegg · 10-02-2011 2:31am

Reading your post, I couldnt believe how similar it sounded. We bought a house last year and we couldnt live in it for the first while as it needed major renovation, most of which we were lucky enough that friends or my OH could do. Anyway, like your future MIL, my MIL barged into our house on the one day that we had everyone down to do some work, bringing her whole extended family in tow.... Im talking brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, cousins, and their kids etc. I was not a happy bunny as we had no prior warning and were stuck to a pretty tight schedule. I said it to my OH who said well what can i do, they are family! So annoyed as I was, I left them at it, but I made sure to voice my opinion at my OH every day until he listened to me and admitted that he was wrong not to agree with me and that he would have a word.

He told them that it wasnt acceptable to do what they did and to please give us prior notice in the future as the only time we were in the house at that moment was when we needed to get work done. It worked a treat. The whole family backed off. We are living there now a few months and its heaven on earth with no interverence!

shinikins · 10-02-2011 3:11am

OP, have you tried saying it to her? Sounds as thought she's unwilling to cut the apron strings and has convinced herself that she's helping, or maybe she's trying to assert herself as the main woman in his life. Either way, something has to be said.

Tell her that you and he have chosen colour schemes, designs etc for a reason and while you appreciate her input, she must not change them without consulting both of you. If she does so again you'll change the locks and not allow her access. Be nice about it, but stand your ground. Tell your partner that you will not accept her interfering in your life either, for that matter, and if he doesn't back you up, you'll be gone. Stand firm with him, and don't accept excuses that he can't go against her, make it clear to him that you are being disrespected.

It sounds like you have decent relationship with his father, have you tried asking him to intervene with her in getting her to back off a little?

Taltos · 10-02-2011 6:53am

If you have tried talking to Mike with no lasting effect then there is one thing more for you to try, but if it fails then from my perspective this is over. I would only try the following if you really have exhausted all efforts at resolving this through discussion - and I mean all. This is high risk and can easily go the wrong way (or right depending on your perspective).

Go home early today and pack your bags.
Leave them in the hall.
Mike will find them when he comes home.
Sit him down and tell him while you love the real him, you can no longer waste your life waiting for him to be the man he was while you were away. Use some of your examples above, but basically at heart - since he has chosen to be his mummy's little boy he has chosen not to be the man you love and want to marry.
Call a taxi and walk away for a few weeks.

Now - either he will see how serious you are and will try to change things or at least you will have saved yourself from a marriage from hell. Wonder what colour she will paint the creche...

10-02-2011 8:49am

Look I'll be honest, I would say fine if she wants to paint the house she can do it whatever colour she wants but if so you're not living in it. Either it's your house or it isn't and while you appreciate the intention to help, it's not help it's interfering and you're not standing for it anymore.
Sit down and tell him this for the last time then go stay in a B&B for a few nights.

I know it seems extreme but it seems like he needs a sharp shock to realise how serious this is. It is not your "lack of relationship with parents", she is being overbearing and interfering in YOUR home. And he is standing by and not sticking up for you. He HAS to stick up for you otherwise how can you trust him in any conflicts anywhere in future? Politeness is one thing but you are going to be his wife, not someone who can be thrown aside or let down anytime a disagreement comes up.

I would also suggest that the key be taken off her.
This needs to be nipped in the bud now or you will find yourself in the same situation all down the line in every matter, especially as you only live down the road from her.

Beruthiel · 10-02-2011 9:51am

Taltos wrote: »

Go home early today and pack your bags.
Leave them in the hall.
Mike will find them when he comes home.
Sit him down and tell him while you love the real him, you can no longer waste your life waiting for him to be the man he was while you were away. Use some of your examples above, but basically at heart - since he has chosen to be his mummy's little boy he has chosen not to be the man you love and want to marry.
Call a taxi and walk away for a few weeks.

Seems a bit extreme, but I think, were I in the OP's shoes, I'd have done that long ago.
OP - rule no. 1, never live beside family. At least, I know enough about myself to know it would never work.
However, you are already stuck in this position so it's time now to lay down the law.

You say you know how to stick up for yourself, but, you have allowed her to paint the house you are going to live in, in the colours she likes.
I would never have allowed that to happen in the first place and would have just painted over it myself.

But I don't want to cause him to fall out with his mother either, perhaps this is just my problem and her relationship is the perfect mother-son relationship.

He need not fall out with his mother, he just needs to set boundaries and you need to get across to him that this constant, daily interference is driving you crazy and more importantly ruining your great relationship.

As for her not picking you as his future wife, let me tell you, an Irish mother would find fault with the Virgin Mary were she to marry her son.
Who gives a flying fuk what she thinks of you, let her suck it up.
As for her being religious, that's her prerogative. What isn't, is the god given right she thinks she has to push that on others.
Once this old generation dies out, I hope that this country will at least start to become more secular and not pay such attention to the RC Church or anything they have to say. Stick to your guns on that one.

My daughters b/f isn't perfect. Is it my business to continually point that out to her? No. And if I did, I know what I would be told. As far as I'm concerned, if he makes her happy, that is what is important here.

He thinks my attitude is due to my own lack of a relationship with my parents, he thinks this is a normal mother-son relationship

Total bulls!it OP.
It has nothing to do with your relationship with your parents and everything to do with wanting to live your own life without the constant interference of the old biddy down the road sticking her nose in whither it's needed or not.
As for it being a normal mother-son relationship, it is, if you haven't cut the apron strings and still feel the need to act like a 5 year old around her.
A parent will only start treating you like an adult once you have asserted your self as one in their eyes.

This needs to get sorted now, because, if it doesn't, the next 20/30 years of your life will be hell.
OP I think you have the patience of a saint, I'd already have her body buried in a bog somewhere out back.

kerryman12 · 10-02-2011 10:08am

Hi Op

To be honest I would be advocating a more suttle approach to this one. I would suggest a two pronged offensive;

1. This has to be the main offensive by the way.
You need to talk to mike.
Yes he has paid for the construction of the house, yes it is on his parents land but it is your home and will be your family home for the future. You will be livining in this house together for many years to come any of the stuff you dont like that she has changed will drive you mad every day from now until the day you change it. You need to make him see that this is making you very uncomfortable in your own home - which is very unfair on you, and will lead to conflict in your relationship into the future. Make sure that mike understand that his family and mother will always be welcome in your home. But he also need to know that it is the two of ye that live there and not the rest of them. You need Mike onboard with you OP otherwise your future together will be quite frustrating.

2. The secondary offensive
The MIL
The way I see this is that family is very important, and it seems to me reading you post Mikes family are kind of close with the MIL trying to rule the roost for everyone. You dont want to get into a situation where you present a choice to him of its her or me, not that he wont pick you, but why go there. You dont want to have a falling out with these people but you do need them to respect you in your own house. So on the way home from work get a bucket of paint and paint that room back the way you want it. Stand your ground more in these decisions, if you are paying half well then you are entitled to get what you want. In discussion with the MIL make sure you are firm but polite. Yow shouldnt tiptoe around this woman but you dont really need to end up fighting with her either. AS for going and having a one to one with her, thats a hard call to make. That would immediately lead to a lasting resentment with some people and with others after initial shock a realisation that you are right. You know these people so you are to only one to know the best approach.

Best of luck

LegacyUser · 10-02-2011 10:42am

Repaint the bedroom, the correct colour

mailforkev · 10-02-2011 12:28pm

whatdoidonow wrote: »

Mike's mother has a key to the house as she has been letting electricians etc in while we are away.

Get the key back asap. If you need to take a few hours or days off work then so be it.

whatdoidonow wrote: »

We arrived home from work late to discover Mike's mother midway through painting the upstairs bedroom a completely different colour to the one Mike and I had agreed to.

Repaint it immediately, do not say anything more about it.

whatdoidonow wrote: »

On the Saturday I was away visiting friends, and I came home to a beardless Mike. His mother quickly explained that she had finally convinced him to get rid of 'that rotten beard'. She didn't ask me how I felt about this.

Mike needs to grow a pair.

whatdoidonow wrote: »

He thinks my attitude is due to my own lack of a relationship with my parents, he thinks this is a normal mother-son relationship, and that I just don't understand it.

Thinking about everyone that I know I can assure you that this is far from a normal mother-son relationship.

Unfortunately you are never going to win here but for your own sanity you need to get a few boundaries drawn up now before it gets too late. Stop involving the mother, it may be convenient for to to let her have a key but you are only enabling her.

What happens when kids come along? Get it sorted now, even if it puts the old bag out a bit, or your life will be never be your own.

Best of luck whatever you do.

seenitall · 10-02-2011 2:23pm

OP,

the problem is that you have no leverage. Since you and Mike both know that there is no way you are ever going to leave him (if I read your words and the general tone of your post correctly), he naturally knows that means you will put up with any crap that is laid on you by your MIL. Which it does.

The only way to get results in your situation is to acquire some leverage ASAP. Which means risking losing the mammy's boy but gaining cca 30 years of freedom (you didn't say how old the MIL is, but for argument's sake let's say she could live for 30 more years). In short, refer back to Taltos's post for the practicalities of what you need to do, and be prepared to follow through.

Unless you do this, I'm afraid the perspective seems very grim: your married life is shaping up to be a very long, lonely, and frustrating road ahead. Did I mention looooooong?

HOWEVER, every cloud has a silver lining: once the MIL pops her clogs, you, at the respectable age of 60, will finally get to be the woman of the house! Serious party time OP!

So there is something to look forward to anyway...

Best wishes.

Squiggler · 10-02-2011 2:50pm

OP, my heart bleeds for you.

IF OH doesn't start putting you first and his Mommy second
AND MiL doesn't start treating you with respect (it's a two-way street)
AND you live in this house after your married it will all end in tears.

There are just so many red flags in your post. I know you love this guy, but he is not showing you love when he allows you to be treated like this by his Mother, or values her opinions above yours or his own.

Move back to Australia, or at least 100 miles away from MiL, and you could have a wonderful marriage.

Cgoodie · 10-02-2011 3:14pm

OP you really have to start looking at the house & site that it's on as belonging to both you and Mike. If you think of it as being his then it will never feel like your home. The MIL probably senses that's how you see it and is doing her best to make sure you know it! Possibly look into getting the site put into both your names.

And as previous posters have said - repaint the bedroom the colour you want. & do that with everything the MIL does that you don't like (obviously you can't regrow the beard:D). It may seem a bit petty or childish but that's how Mike and his mother are behaving.

LegacyUser · 10-02-2011 3:30pm

I think a lot of people here are being a bit over-dramatic with their responses.

This is fairly normal MIL rivalry, Irish-mammy syndrome. Particularly a country mother. I'm guessing a lot of those responding are Dublin or city dwellers and haven't seen how often this occurs down the country.

OP, you definitely need to stomp it out now at its early stages but the suggestions of you packing your bags and leaving or threatening to dump him if he doesn't sort it out are ridiculous, IMO.

No-one here has cheated or killed anybody. A room got painted an unwanted colour. Paint it back. When the MIL asks about it, tell her this is the colour you wanted, but frankly she has no right to ask because she shouldn't be in the rooms anyway. It's not her house or her business.

Trust me, it is NOT worth falling out with your future MIL over something like this. I think you definitely need to get Mike on side here, but it's up to him to get his mother to butt out, not you. Don't go confronting her or making an awkward situation worse.

If you are going to be living nearby her possibly for the rest of your life, then you don't want to get off on the wrong footing here as there are chances she'll hold it against you for life.

If you really need to speak up to her, be polite and explain that you will be painting it the colour you and Mike have already chosen - or whatever - and make sure Mike has been clued up and ready to back you up on it.

Some men get really over-managed by their mothers and fail to see what's going on. A lot of Irish mothers REALLY overstep the mark but fail to understand how it may interfere with the daughter-in-law's life too.

I really think this is Mike's issue to sort, make it clear to him how you feel about it and let him tackle his mother.

dub_3 · 10-02-2011 3:49pm

Cgoodie wrote: »

repaint the bedroom the colour you want. & do that with everything the MIL does that you don't like (obviously you can't regrow the beard:D).

Yes repaint the bedroom, or better still have him repaint it,
Ideally when Mum is about, she needs to be shown who's the boss in your house.

An alternate strategy would be to threaten to go to her house and paint her bedroom a colour of your choosing.

Also re: the beard, throw out any razor blades, shaving foam etc...
If he uses an electric razer, then destroy it with a lump hammer (mind your fingers, wear safety glasses etc...)

Up to now he always deferred to his mother as it was always the easy option.
make sure from now on that giving in to her will never be the easy option.

Once you've shocked him a bit, remind him that there are two people in the marriage, not three. He needs to come to that realization sooner rather than later, or your life will be hell.

Any arguments from him and ask if he would prefer to live with his mother.

liah · 10-02-2011 4:05pm

Remind him to remind her that mothers are supposed to accept their children for who they are and support them through whatever it takes to make them happy, not to try to change their children to suit them and make them unhappy.

LegacyUser · 10-02-2011 4:38pm

His name wouldn't be Norman Bates, would it?

Seriously, as my better half said, when I told her about this, "Run, girl, Run!"

Now's the time to lay down the marker.

bubbaloo · 10-02-2011 4:49pm

OP, I really feel for you. It's a very difficult situation.
My thoughts would be that Mike is allowing this to happen because his mother has been so overpowering throughout his life and he has never stood up to her.
I would never suggest leaving him - I think that is extreme and ridiculous - and in the end would not repair anything. It would only make you and Mike miserable. A couple who are due to get married have to work through problems together - which sounds exactly like what you hope to do.

I would sit with Mike and have a very serious and frank discussion about how his mother's actions affect you. Make him realise that it is not trivial or funny but something that is affecting your thoughts on a daily basis and you need his support.
Once he realises that I would suggest you approach his mother together and have a similar discussion with her. Mike needs to grow some balls at this stage and understand that his mother can no longer control his life. Ask her how she would feel if you went changing the decor in her house or pushed her out of the way to look in her husband's eye (or add in a few more examples - the more the better!). It's quite possible she has no idea how overpowering she is as it's probable that nobody has ever confronted her before. Ask her to really put herself in your situation and how it would make her feel?
You are quite right in thinking that things will only get worse if kids come into the equation. She will be absolutely unbearable and you need to have this discussion now rather than later.

Best of luck to you. (And congrats on your impending wedding)!:)

LegacyUser · 10-02-2011 7:31pm

You must box clever on this one, OP. Forget the big confrontation/ultimatum with Mike/his mum. There's much easier ways.
What is the one bit of leverage you have over mummy dearest? Think bedroom.
eg: suggest to Mike that, seeing as you always found the beard so attractive, that he grow it back. And if he does, then you might just return a few favorite favors, if you get my drift

Now there's motivation for Mike!
Or, is the MIL is anxious for ye to start a family? Get together for some "women talk", and tell her, it's a very sensitive topic, but you'd appreciate a good bit of "couple alone time" to maximise your chances. So you'd like the key back so there won't be any embarrassment were anyone to drop in unannounced. (Meanwhile, obv feel free to follow your own schedule as to when ye really want to start a family)
Or you and Mike could invite MIL& DIL over for a meal, once a fortnight. This sends out a clear message- "welcome to our house". ie: you are guests.

Neyite · 10-02-2011 7:35pm

whatdoidonow wrote: »

The house is officially Mike's as it's on the land donated to him by his parents - this is something they've done for all of their children.

Whatdoidonow, This jumped out at me here, presumably Mike's siblings have gone down this road before with her - how did they handle it? What about their partners? They have all probably encountered the same treatment and have fought this war before, they could be a great advisor to you- could you ask any of them for advice?

Why not give Mike an idea of the seriousness of how this affects you is to tell him you want him to sell up when the house is finished and then go halves on a home for both of you somewhere else as he and his mother have made it clear by their decorating decisions during the build that your wishes count for nothing in the place you are supposed to call home. And dont let this idea drop until you see real changes.

seenitall · 10-02-2011 7:59pm

Neyite wrote: »

Whatdoidonow, This jumped out at me here, presumably Mike's siblings have gone down this road before with her - how did they handle it? What about their partners? They have all probably encountered the same treatment and have fought this war before, they could be a great advisor to you- could you ask any of them for advice?

Why not give Mike an idea of the seriousness of how this affects you is to tell him you want him to sell up when the house is finished and then go halves on a home for both of you somewhere else as he and his mother have made it clear by their decorating decisions during the build that your wishes count for nothing in the place you are supposed to call home. And dont let this idea drop until you see real changes.

Excellent idea.

Wish I'd thought of it. It's a good half-way compromise between being the pushover and having to actually leave the guy before wasting any more time on losing ground!

Moomoo1 · 10-02-2011 10:34pm

Taltos wrote: »

If you have tried talking to Mike with no lasting effect then there is one thing more for you to try, but if it fails then from my perspective this is over. I would only try the following if you really have exhausted all efforts at resolving this through discussion - and I mean all. This is high risk and can easily go the wrong way (or right depending on your perspective).

Go home early today and pack your bags.
Leave them in the hall.
Mike will find them when he comes home.
Sit him down and tell him while you love the real him, you can no longer waste your life waiting for him to be the man he was while you were away. Use some of your examples above, but basically at heart - since he has chosen to be his mummy's little boy he has chosen not to be the man you love and want to marry.
Call a taxi and walk away for a few weeks.

Now - either he will see how serious you are and will try to change things or at least you will have saved yourself from a marriage from hell. Wonder what colour she will paint the creche...

I think this is called 'cutting off your nose to spite the face'.

if someone pulled that trick on me, I'd say 'well, screw you, you clearly don't love me enough'. And what will the OP do then, 32 years old and back on the singles market?

EDIT: surely there are less drastic ways to resolve this?

okiss · 10-02-2011 11:49pm

Wait until your mother in law is out of her house - go into her kitchen and paint it the most vile shade of paint you can find.
Leave a note saying you found this paint and your just returning the kindness since she painted your room. Tell her also that you would like to give her advice about decorating this house at any time.

After this tell you soon to be husband what you have done and that the home your building is your and his house not his mammy house.
Tell him that his mother is not responsible for the contains or paint/paper in your home and get him to get the key back from Mil.

If Mil keep up with her s***, get the whole family around to Mil house and say in front of them all that you and her son might not get married just yet as you want to finish the house that you and her son are building because you have seen the house of your dreams elsewhere.
Wait for the fireworks and then tell this old bag exactly what you think of her.

LegacyUser · 10-02-2011 11:56pm

I'm nit sure if i've ever seen such dumb advice in any thread before.

The OP is marrying this guy. She's hardly going to ban the MIL from the house or paint the MIL's house a nasty colour. Come on people, get real here. OP already said she's not going to leave him, and I can't see any reason why she should, this ie surely fixable without having to walk out of an otherwise happy relationship??

Op, I think talk to your man and let him have a quiet polite chat with his mother about this. Forget confrontations and paint jobs unless you want to set yourself up for a life of misery ahead.

Tread carefully, clearly no one here has been in a serious enough relationship to care about the in laws but IMO a happy marriage requires the inlaws to be on your side. It makes things a lot easier, particularly if you're all living close to each other. Chances are this woman will one day babysit your kids, and why make things more awkward than they need to be?

Whatever you do, packing your bags over a shaved beard and a miscoloured room seems ridiculous to me.

R.D. aka MR.D · 11-02-2011 12:50am

Hi op!

I write as the sibling of a man quite similar to your OH. He is a farmer with a Mammy. :rolleyes:

My future SIL has similar problems!!!
So I have some points:

1. Does he have any siblings your can talk to?

I feel quite good that I can help my future SIL with her struggles. Any time my Mother over-steps her mark with her. I start the most god awful slagging of my brother and my mother about whats going on. A lot of these Mammys just don't see anything wrong with idolising their son.
Maybe talk to them and see if they can help in any way.

2. Make it clear that his actions show that he obviously doesn't love you in the way you deserve to be loved.

it might sound drastic but really he is an adult and you are his future wife. Part of growing up is making your own family and therefore you should be the most important woman/ person in his life until the kids come along. If your MIL is upseting you it is his responsiblity to sort it out.

3. Whatever you do, don't think this is normal.

Although this is as common as muck in rural ireland, it does not make it acceptable behaviour.

4. Set the boundaries with her.

As others have said, take away the key and repaint the room. Stand your ground.

wolfpawnat · 11-02-2011 1:00am

I used to be polite and try not to snap at the MIL. But once my child came along it became hell on earth. I finally started to stick up for myself and am more than able to give as good as I get. Just because she is older does not mean she gets to dictate the lives of other adults!

OP, your husband is not torn between ye, he is an all and out mammy's boy would is taking the easy road rather than annoy her! I would not put up with that. It is your home too and you have 50 per cent say in it! Since mammy donated the land it is no longer hers and she no longer can dictate what happens there.

You love your husband so tell him to man up and look after his home and stop getting mammy to do it for him. MIL's are called Monster in laws for a reason, and there is no point in a competition, most everyone here has the same problem.

Sit your husband down and tell him you are unhappy, and not the I wish we had a different meat for dinner happy, actually unhappy and that you feel suffocated and feel like you are a second class citizen in your home, only if ye stand together will mammy back off, as long as he says nothing you will not win!

Hope it gets sorted!
*hugs*

Taltos · 11-02-2011 8:07am

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think this is called 'cutting off your nose to spite the face'.

if someone pulled that trick on me, I'd say 'well, screw you, you clearly don't love me enough'. And what will the OP do then, 32 years old and back on the singles market?

EDIT: surely there are less drastic ways to resolve this?

Not a trick
As I said - if she has already tried and failed to talk to her OH about this then really what choice does she have?
Stay there and be miserable or leave.
Maybe by realising what his inaction is about to cost him her OH may grow some gonads and set the groundrules with his mum.

If you are lucky enough that a civilised chat sorts all your problems wonderful - however sometimes actions do speak louder than words - I mean look at what this woman has done - she has decorated the bedroom her son would share with this woman so that he would always be reminded of her. Now - that was one hell of a trick - and shows either the woman is just plain stupid or is devious to a level beyond your understanding.

OP - your call. My suggestion is the last ditch - hence my warning that it may backfire on you. But for me the alternative of a life with a person you grow to despise is not worth it.

prinz · 11-02-2011 10:34am

whatdoidonow wrote: »

He thinks my attitude is due to my own lack of a relationship with my parents, he thinks this is a normal mother-son relationship, and that I just don't understand it..

It is and it isn't. Mothers are allowed to have and to share opinions on things such as facial hair. It's up to the son to act on this or disregard it. Just because she gave birth to him a long time ago doesn't mean she should never offer an opinion to him on anything. THAT would be unhealthy IMO. The problem with the beard thing is not what the mother said, it's what the son did.

Painting your room is a total no-no. She over-stepped the mark and it really is down to Mike to put her straight. On the other hand she really shouldn't be doing the work for ye either tbh of letting workmen come and go etc.

It's not a normal mother-son relationship IMO in that the onus is on the son to tell the mother when her advice will be heeded and when not. That's where it become unbalanced. The problem here seems to be more Mike's than his mother's tbh (apart from the room painting thing). If he always acts on her word then it's not a good situation. On the other hand sometimes mothers and fathers give the best advice so completely disregarding something is not the best either. What your son needs to do is grow a pair and say 'I appreciate your advice but we have decided to do x, y or z instead', but the boundaries should have been set down 20 years ago tbh, I'd be worried about a major shift in their relationship now.

Short version - it's really up to him to sort it out.

As for all MIL's being horrible interfering biddies - my mother has more of a relationship with my wife than she does with me these days

It's a stuggle for me to get a look in.

Moomoo1 · 11-02-2011 5:53pm

Taltos wrote: »

Not a trick
As I said - if she has already tried and failed to talk to her OH about this then really what choice does she have?
Stay there and be miserable or leave.

stay there and be miserable or leave and be even more miserable. Great solution. You are talking like the OP has nothing to lose by leaving, when in reality she has a lot more to lose by leaving than by staying.

Taltos wrote: »

Maybe by realising what his inaction is about to cost him her OH may grow some gonads and set the groundrules with his mum.

or it would cause her OH to grow some gonads and stand firm against the OP. Because threatening to leave isn't something that a partner in a loving relationship should be resorting to. That's blackmail. Much worse than what his mother did.

Taltos · 11-02-2011 8:05pm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

stay there and be miserable or leave and be even more miserable. Great solution. You are talking like the OP has nothing to lose by leaving, when in reality she has a lot more to lose by leaving than by staying.

or it would cause her OH to grow some gonads and stand firm against the OP. Because threatening to leave isn't something that a partner in a loving relationship should be resorting to. That's blackmail. Much worse than what his mother did.

This isn't a competition of which of us is right. We clearly have different life experiences which lead us to approach issues in different ways. While I don't personally like confrontation or ultimatums I can accept that sometimes they are necessary. In fact many relationship have them - eg "cheat and me and we are done" - personally I do not see much of a difference here. The OP is screaming for the support she deserves from a mummy's boy and clearly he is too scared to support the OH or really engage in full discussion as she deserves.
Helping the OH see what he is about to lose is not blackmail. What is the alternative (again if all else has failed) stay there quietly and slowly grow to hate the OH as much as his mother.

Anyway, as I said this is not a competition of which of us is more right. The OH is an adult and can choose their own path, I am just here to present some alteratives, sometimes the odd ball idea is the one needed to get ideas flowing.

Best of luck OP.

tinkerbell · 12-02-2011 2:27pm

OP, when a couple marry, they have to put their spouse first before everyone else. You should be your fiancé's number one priority, not his mother. You need to start standing up for yourself. When she interferes with the decorating, tell her that while her help is appreciated when it asked of, you do not appreciate her making decisions behind her back and changing things in your home. Why have you not repainted over that horrible colour? What did you say when you saw the rotten colour she painted your bedroom? If that were me, I would have flipped and asked her WTF did she think she was doing? I would not take that behaviour from her.

You need to talk to your fiancé and tell him that he has to start putting you first. You have to. He needs to cop onto himself and choose who is going to put first from now on. If it is you, well he needs to change his behaviour. He needs to tell his mother to back off, that YOU are his wife-to-be and she has to stop interfering. If he says that no, his mother is his priority, well then you know you're in for one miserable life with him if this is how he is acting and you're not even married yet.

What happens when you have kids? She'll be down to you every single day dictating how to raise your kids this way and that way, she'll be undermining all your decisions, she'll make your fiancé change his decisions to suit hers and then she'll go behind your back doing things the way you don't want them done. She sounds like a total headwrecker.

LegacyUser · 12-02-2011 4:33pm

OP - you must tackle this now and assert yourself to both your MIL and partner.

His mother is not respecting you as an adult and is overstepping her boundaries. She will see nothing wrong with this if she is not made aware of her behaviour.

I agree with other posters, go paint the bedroom the colour YOU & your OH initially agreed on, say nothing until she (inevitably) mentions it and then be prepared to be polite & assertive about the issue.

I suggest you don't give your OH charge to do any more remaining jobs in the house - organise / complete them yourself. As has been mentioned, left to him, he likely mentions it to the mother and she takes it upon herself to organise / do the jobs as SHE sees best (not him) - from here on in, YOU take it on yourself.

Do sort the relationship boundaries out before children come along, heck even before you start planning the wedding! (what will she be like then?!) - No doubt she has very set ideas about childrearing too, and you need to rein in her inclination to interfere beforehand so she knows to respect you.

Your OH needs to man up and also be reminded who he is in a grown-up relationship with (you, not his mammy)

Best of luck

weemammy · 14-02-2011 7:40pm

My Goodness! I would not be having all that!
Your story sounds familiar though.
I'm orriginally from Holland, and moved to Ireland a few years ago, fell in love with an Irish man, had his baby, share a mortgage, the lot.
My mother in law is very VERY interfering as well, and talking to some other girls, I've been told that Irish mother in laws are among the worst in the world when it comes to their precious sons.
I have to say, I thought I had it bad, but the stuff you're telling us here is absolutely disgusting! that woman seems to have no regard for you whatsoever and is desperate to be the most important woman in her sons life.

My Brian doesn't stick up for me either to his mam, no matter how wrong she is, so I know how frustrating it must be for you.

YOu have to be careful not to snap at your MIL, as it will make you look like the baddie.
ALso you should try to not talk too bad about her to your hubby, but still make sure you get the message across.

My MIL has now finally taken a step back, but a big row metween me, her and Brian was needed.
I've waited to long to speak my mind, and ended up exploding, and actually hating the woman.

That kind interfering MILs are very good at sticking their nose in and make out to everyone else that they're only trying to help, and you're bering ungratefull.

I don't want to bore anyone with a lot of examples either, but I'll give yous some of how blatently rude she can be:

1 - Tells me at the dinner table that she thinks that Dutch people are a sick and unhealthy looking nation. I mean, Why would you say that to someone who is the ONLY Dutch person you've ever met?

2 - I was watching Jeremy Kyle on my morning off when she popped in. I told her that I like to watch Jezza bullying those chavs and make matters worse. She turns around and goes: I used to watch it, but stopped, because I'm worth more than that. OMG!!! worth more that what? people that choose to watch a certain program? worth more than me?

OWWW I've got tons of examples, but won't put them all down here. Bottom line is, when I try to tell Brian that I feel offended by something she's said, his standard answer is always, 'Ahh sure, she only means well'. You must've taken her up wrong.

But she constantly complains about me to him! That's so mean, it's not respecting the fact that me and him are a couple now and that she is stirring an argument. She full well knows that he will come home to me and blame me for upsetting his mam.

Sorry Gals, Rant over

LegacyUser · 15-02-2011 4:36pm

First thing is to take the key away from her.

Whether that means telling her politely that you won't need her to open the house anymore, and you'd like the key back (for privacy sake, you understand), or changing all the locks...then so be it. But do not allow her to have access on a full-time, unlimited basis to your house.

Secondly, I would leave the paint thing a few weeks, and I would then set about repainting every room that you don't like the colour in, that she has put there. The answer to any questions is that you have been looking at it for a while, and really, you're not that keen on colour X...."did Mike not mention to you that we had discussed using a different colour? Really? Oh well, we were looking at it a few nights and thought something different would be better for the light etc"

Thing is OP, his parents may have decided to give you the land, but that was their decision.Nobody held a gun to their heads. Mind you, nobody made you guys accept it either, but having said that, giving you land does not give them authority over your lives.

As for your fiancee, you certainly need to have a very long, very tough conversation with him.Rules will have to be laid down - chief among them being that his mother cannot just enter the house without one of you opening the door and welcoming her in. And secondly, that major decisions need to be made between the 2 of you, and not between the 2 of you and his mother.

You are not asking a lot of him (or her) OP. All you are asking for is common decency in allowing the 2 of you to live your own lives. You really need to have this conversation now though, because when the kids come along it could get very,very messy. I wouldn't go down the road of threatening to leave, unless it gets to a point where things are awful and she's there 24/7. As said before, everyone has different life experiences, which leads to very different advice!

tinkerbell · 15-02-2011 7:57pm

I would second getting the key back. Although if she is that much of a busy body, it wouldn't surprise me if she got the key cut before she gave it back to you ..... I'd go and change all the locks if you are worried that she made herself a copy of the key.

LegacyUser · 16-02-2011 2:10pm

I am a male and know first hand of the power that an interfering mother has and the very negative things it has done to me and my wife. My case is quite serious and I've sought professional help. Do a google on "emotional incest" or 'enmeshment' or 'surrogate husband' and you will see how awful this issue is. Your husband really needs to understand what's going on inside his head otherwise no amount of persuasion by you will cure the problem. Otherwise, leave him immediately as it will lead to dysfunctional behaviour in your husband in a few years time and your marriage will be at serious risk. This is a big silent problem worldwide yet when I looked for support groups in Ireland I could find none. If fellow sufferors want to communicate, then I would be very happy to register a username and set this up.

fungun · 16-02-2011 4:52pm

Hmm, interfering MILs are bad, but when it comes to home decoration you have to put the foot down....ask him can he imagine your mum and dad hanging round your house as much as his do!

Specifically Id be saying this quite clearly:
1. Its our house, we live in it, we choose decorations, dont care what you Mum thinks. You need to agree with me on this, I am your wife/partner
2. How can we ever have sex out of our bedroom if we think your mum might pop in. Get the key off her or Im changing the locks.

Mother-in-law versus ME

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