Clingy Girlfriend

LegacyUser

As the title suggests, I do indeed feel I have a clingy girlfriend and am not sure what exactly to do about it. I don't want to end things with her, because honestly I do love her. But lately this clingyness is just making me unhappy.

Basically she can't go a day without us seeing each other. This is suffocating me a little, as I have always had hobbies, and enjoy having an evening or two after work to myself. I also think it would be healthy for her to also do these things.

She gets upset if I am going on a night out without her. She gets upset and says I just want to go and have fun without her. Thats not the case. I've ended up missing nights out cause of a drama that errupts before I go. She also gets paranoid that other girls will be interested in me if she isn't there.

I feel like since we have been together I have neglected my friends and drifted apart from them because I never really get to see them.

I do love her and enjoy and spending time with her. But lately it doesn't feel like quality time, its more just quantity. We have been together nine months. I want to talk to her about how I feel, but she just gets really upset at anything that she interprets as me rejecting her.

I need to fix this...but just don't know how to approach it. Can anyone advise me? Has anyone dealt with this in a relationship successfullly?

Oh and also to just add in...I've never done anything to make her think im going to do something like cheat or anything. I know she has had some bad relationships before me and feel maybe she is carrying that into this one.

John400

OP, i don't think she's clingy, i in fact think she's possessive of you. (genuinely).

That's how i'm interpreting your post, i'd be interested in other views.

collegegal

Op I think, because of her past relationships that may have ended badly, shes using the same experience now in your relationship. I think the girl may be slightly paranoid because of her own insecurities and needs to battle this herself. You have done nothing wrong to give her the impression of infidelity and to be honest, you need to get back out there with your friends and let her get used to you going out without her. I am in a relationship, and I would never dream of stopping my bf going out without me, everyone needs their own space and their own time out. And sometimes that means going out with the lads or whoever, it doesnt mean your going off having orgies with everyone! You need to sit her down and reassure her of your commitment and see how it goes. Best of luck

Taltos

Here are your choices

1. Give in and spend all your time with her. In a short-time you will have grown so apart from your friends they will stop calling. Will you be happy here?
2. Continue as you are. If it is not working now it will actually get worse.
3. Sit her down and be clear, you love being with her but your need time apart too. In fact this time with your friends is adding to your feelings for her. You cannot force her to do the same. But you deserve to be able to have your life too.
4. She is not going to change. End it now. But tell her why so she can work on her insecurities before she repeats the pattern.

Honestly - I am torn between 3 & 4 - seeing that you have the talk but if there is no improvement then you follow through and let this go before you do lose yourself...

A lot of girls are clingy because they don't realise it. Your girlfriend is obviously being unreasonable, but how does she know if you don't confront her?

No one likes the thought of their other half going out, getting up to all sorts without them. Everyone gets jealous/insecure. How do people deal with this?
A) the well-adjusted, mature way: the one of you going out lets the other person know that they're not able to spend time together that day and they'll see the other person later, xxx. The other person says ok have a great time. Fun and hilarity ensues as you both have the ability to live you lives as individuals.
the insecure, unreasonable way: one person is going out, the other person feels insecure, acts childishly, expects the first person to humour their insecurity to the point of sabotaging both their own independence.

You can not keep accommodating this behaviour. She needs to know that the way she's acting is not reasonable. She's not just suffocating you, she's also allowing herself to become overdependent on you. This will damage both of you. If she's had a tough time in the past, maybe throw her a text while you're out, saying "thinking of you" or whatever, but don't use her past as an excuse for what she's doing. Relationships require trust.

As for the constant need to see you, again this is about explaining to her that she can't be expecting this of you. Does she not have any friends/hobbies that she's missing out on? I don't mean to insult your girlfriend or anything, I understand that this is just one problem and the rest of your relationship is probably fine, but this behaviour is very immature.

Canluum

^Tips to the above post... you absolutely have to confront her.

How to do it so she doesn't take it personally:

Don't say:
"You're clingy. Please be less clingy"

She'll take it very personally. You've attached it to her identity. She'll argue that she isn't.

Do say:
"When you act clingy <insert multiple very specific examples, as many as you can think of, mentally document actual instances> it makes me feel <insert how you are feeling> suffocated, like I want to distance myself from you, unhappy... I need you to act like <specific examples of how you would prefer her to act in a variety of situations> for this relationship to continue and us both to be happy."

You've attached it to behaviour, and it's effect upon you. She can't argue with a feeling you have.

thefeatheredcat

Whatever you do, don't bury your head in the sand and ignore it, hoping for it to change by itself, as that could end up in a major outburst on your part with this resentment forcing you to push her away. It will confuse her.

Set aside some time to talk about it, be gentle and fair, don't let negative emotions/frustration get into the equation. It's possible she may not know it's wrecking your head or how you're feeling and nobody is a mind reader. There could be more beneath this than you realise, so maybe by just simply talking about it might get to the bottom of whatever it is that's causing it.

Give reassurances where needed and make sure that she's all ok about things and has it all straight in her head before you end the conversation on a positive note.