Dealing with conflict siutations

LegacyUser

I'm in a position in work where I'm project managing a stressful project that is bringing most senior people from various departments into it. There's quite a mix of personalities here and some of them are tough to work with at the best of times.

Now, I'm a techie, so without meaning to stereotype myself, you get the idea. I'm not the extroverted schmoozer who wants to, or likes managing people, especially not at this level.

I have a bit of a social phobia issue although I'm a sociable person. I've no issue small talking with people and enjoying time with my friends as much as I do by myself. However, I can't stand conflict, it flicks some sort of switch in my head that removes my ability to think on my feet, talk competently and my body language all of a sudden becomes very submissive. I crumble. Ultimately I become cannon fodder for these people when I should be giving better than I get.

The best part of this project, for me, are these management meetings because they are giving me dynamite opportunities to learn and better myself. I hate them but I love them However, I'm NOT learning and no matter how determined I am to get on top of this I just can't.

Does anyone have any advice?

I've been prescribed beta blockers to deal with the 'flight or fight' feelings which I may start using again. But I'm wondering what the best way to deal with this is? Head doctor / CBT ? Assertiveness course ... open to suggestions!

Kevster

It's something that I think you'll have to get used to... but, as that happens, it'll become easier. Spend some time each day thinking about the situations/meetings and plan to be more assertive. Think about your own ideas too - You believe in them, right? So, maybe it's about defending them in the right way. When you become nervous, you probably forget many things about your own work, and therefore you 'crumble'. If you think about what you could say to defend your ideas, then perhaps that would help too.

Kevin

InReality

I'm a bit like this. I find it hard to be assertive with my boss for example.

One I try to remember is that other people can work in very different ways to you .

So they are might not be in the meeting to figure out whats best to do , but to argue with others , make themselves feel big etc.

You see what I mean ?
So you don't need to take all they say as serious points

For example one guy I deal with just emails me the first thing that comes into his head, if he finds a problem with something I was working on.
Then I spend the day looking down the blind alley he pointed me in , only to remember the next day what he's like.
But in my panic to fix a bug , I'd forgotten what his way of working was.

Hope this makes some sense. On the positive side you seem very self aware , and cbt is usually very good for people like that.

thefeatheredcat

tbh I've been trying to think of something to say to this for the last couple of days.... sorry!

I read something somewhere that said, "never trouble trouble until it comes troubling you" - it was personally useful for me in dealing with conflict in my personal life and how to handle it....

When conflict arises you can deal with it by
- not letting it trouble you because it doesn't effect you and is by no means any reflection on you, but on the person causing the conflict
- acknowledge it has effected you and deal with it
- ignore/sidestep it (as effective as is burying your head in the sand, and not necessarily the best option imo)

When trouble comes troubling you, you give it some trouble back! But not negatively, but positively, respond to it by tackling it head on with full confidence in yourself in the best way possible, that you can only end up coming out looking the better person, but for the right reasons of dealing with trouble in a positive manner.

InReality wrote: »

One I try to remember is that other people can work in very different ways to you.

+1 to this - so true and that is something always worth remembering.

you have to remember that when dealing with cross departmental meetings that while they may know what is best in their department and how things are done, things aren't done the same with the same mentality in all departments. Remember that these people that are difficult to work with are not your superior in life, but you are equals regardless of the role you play in work, so your ideas are equally valid.

Be assertive but in a confident way if you have to fight your corner, do so with a solid belief in yourself. If your belief is strong in yourself and what you are doing, and you have a passion and flair for it, then that will give you confidence and will make you assert yourself anyway.

Chances are if you work in a department that involves specific knowledge and expertise, they may not necessarily understand certain jargon so make sure you communicate your ideas on a level that they can all understand, with terms they understand and are easily understood. If you get that part right, you can use powers of persuasion through your confidence and passion and knowledge to get the ideas across.

Ultimately, trust yourself and your ideas and believe in yourself and your abilities, that's half the battle won!

And always remember that often people know a little about something, a lot about something else, but not always everything about something other than vague details.

I learnt that in my last job with some managers who were great at their jobs, who knew how to operate certain programs on a computer, only because they had been trained, often acted as though they were better than me because of their level, but in the end were clueless about the most trivial things about things to do with computers which I surprised them in knowing about although it's not my personal expertise, but stuff I've learned how to do myself.

LegacyUser

I'm in a sort of similar position - I don't have to officially manage projects, but I'm expected to take a very lead role in things. Truth be told, I'm happier not dealing with people. Or at least a certain kind of person. That sounds really bad - but I'm fine with dealing with like-minded people, and dealing with a disagreement over the detail of how something should be done; I just can't hack the he-said-she-said stuff, and power games. I think I possibly offend people as I just bypass all that and jump to what I see as the important details.

I think it's fine for people to disagree though - as long as that's about the work. I've worked in various companies and teams where this worked out well - we were all strong people, and more than a little opinionated, but it was always just about the work. And we disagreed hugely, but always managed to agree on a good solution without anyone being offended. I think it is when it is really about ego/pecking order/perceived power that conflict is horrible to deal with. I have a tendency to bypass or stick my head in the sand about those situations. I'm not sure how to deal with that myself; I find myself underplaying my role and being too conciliatory sometimes - and I just don't know how to deal with that. I just wanted to make the point that conflict isn't always bad, if it is between people who are secure in themselves and looking for the best solutions. Power conflict is, I think, a whole different matter - which I've never been able to deal with.