Should I Confront her?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,looking for a bit of feed back i guess.

Not getting to into it, I was born with a disability thats not obvious to people, and therefore i dont tell people about it.

I started going out with my boyfriend 8 years ago, and after 6 months I told him about it and he took a while to understand it. In doing so he told his mother, which I wasnt happy about and let him know. He swore to me she wouldnt tell anybody....

Roll on 8 years, my best friend and I were walking one night when she turned around to me and told me a girl she works with,thats a neighbour of bfs mother, had been talking about me and that she was told by my boyfriends mother what I had....

I was speechless and embarrased as I have never told any of my friends about this before. I didnt know what to say. My friend apololgised and said she shouldnt have anything but, Im hurt by my boyfriends mother as I am very close to her. I told my bf and he wasnt happy about it, wanting to call up and say it to her but I was so upset he didnt... Hes upset that she went behind his back like that. And if she has told this neighbour, who else has she told? Am I a laughing stock to the family??


I dont know whether to say something or not, my bf says if i dont confront her soon, he will! I hate confrontations !

seamus

Ah the idle gossip. Mothers are demons for it because they don't think that it can get back to the person. Some other people feel that there's little point in secrets, sure who gives a **** what other people think? My mother can be like that

Ultimately it was your boyfriend who made the promise that his mother wouldn't tell; not his mother (unless of course she said it to him).

It's 8 years, so presumably you get on quite well with her. Yes, bring it up with her - relay the story exactly as you have here - and tell her that you're unhappy and that it's something you need her to not be telling all and sundry.

She will probably be mortified that she was caught out.

Neyite

If your boyfriend is willing to speak to her about it, and you hate confrontation, then this might be a good option, however if you are close to her, it does not have to be a confrontation necessarily. Both of you might feel like its 'ganging up' on her, but do you really care after this?

I would simply bring it up that you know she told a neighbour, and now that neighbour is telling other people-and see what she has to say about it. It really doesnt matter if she gets angry with the neighbour - thats her issue, not yours. You trusted her with something private, and she has abused that trust.

OP, I know how you feel - I learned long ago that my mother is a bit of a blab - she does not mean any badness, she just cant shut up, once or twice she has said something in front of people that embarassed me, so I dont tell her anything that is really private anymore.

cafecolour

P!ssedallthewayoff wrote: »

Am I a laughing stock to the family??

Wait, what? Why would you be a 'laughing stock' because of a disability? Does his family normally laugh at disabled people (ha, ha, look at that girl in the wheelchair!).

While his mother is definitely out of order, it def seems like you are 'ashamed' of your disability if you think it would make you a laughing stock. Perhaps you should consider therapy or a support group to deal with this, since it might be having a significant effect on your self-esteem.

Kidchameleon

cafecolour wrote: »

Wait, what? Why would you be a 'laughing stock' because of a disability? Does his family normally laugh at disabled people (ha, ha, look at that girl in the wheelchair!).

While his mother is definitely out of order, it def seems like you are 'ashamed' of your disability if you think it would make you a laughing stock. Perhaps you should consider therapy or a support group to deal with this, since it might be having a significant effect on your self-esteem.

I was thinking the same thing as soon as I read the OP but didn't know how to word it. I totally agree with cafecolour.

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

Wait, what? Why would you be a 'laughing stock' because of a disability? Does his family normally laugh at disabled people (ha, ha, look at that girl in the wheelchair!).

While his mother is definitely out of order, it def seems like you are 'ashamed' of your disability if you think it would make you a laughing stock. Perhaps you should consider therapy or a support group to deal with this, since it might be having a significant effect on your self-esteem.

Where do you get that from? I don't get the sense that OP is ashamed of her condition in any way shape or form, just mortified that she has been put on the spot, and hurt that her confidence has been betrayed.

I have a sister who has several medical issues, many of them degenerative and recurring. She chose to keep these issues to herself and not let anyone outside the family know-not because she is "ashamed" but because she wants to live life as a normal person. Cafecolour, I don't know what your experience of disability is, but often times for a disabled person, the biggest barrier in their lives is other peoples attitudes towards them. Being ignored completely or spoken to like a child, or even shouted at during the times my sister is using her wheelchair(because obviously she must be deaf or simple if she is in a wheelchair) she has chosen to simply not mention it and get on with things. Life has never been so good since she made that decision. Perhaps OP has had similar experiences and simply wants to get on with their life. People are horribly patronising and condescending when they hear about disability, and i've seen people actually take offence at my sister in the past when she doesn't act like the poor cripple that other people expect her to be. Funnily enough a lot of them think she must be "ashamed" of her condition, just as you mentioned above.

OP, talk to your boyfriends mother, tell her how hurt you are that she spoke to other people about your condition, if you don't tell her it will fester and affect an otherwise good relationship. I'm glad to see that your boyfriend is backing you, too often men refuse to back their wives and partners against their mother and it in turn causes a myriad of problems.

gimme5minutes

P!ssedallthewayoff wrote: »

Hey guys,looking for a bit of feed back i guess.

Not getting to into it, I was born with a disability thats not obvious to people, and therefore i dont tell people about it.

I started going out with my boyfriend 8 years ago, and after 6 months I told him about it and he took a while to understand it. In doing so he told his mother, which I wasnt happy about and let him know. He swore to me she wouldnt tell anybody....

Roll on 8 years, my best friend and I were walking one night when she turned around to me and told me a girl she works with,thats a neighbour of bfs mother, had been talking about me and that she was told by my boyfriends mother what I had....

I was speechless and embarrased as I have never told any of my friends about this before. I didnt know what to say. My friend apololgised and said she shouldnt have anything but, Im hurt by my boyfriends mother as I am very close to her. I told my bf and he wasnt happy about it, wanting to call up and say it to her but I was so upset he didnt... Hes upset that she went behind his back like that. And if she has told this neighbour, who else has she told? Am I a laughing stock to the family??


I dont know whether to say something or not, my bf says if i dont confront her soon, he will! I hate confrontations !

Why are pinning so much of the blame on the mother? Your bf is the one who is most at fault. He is the one that you are supposed to be able to confide in. He should never have mentioned it to his mother in the first place. This kind of thing always works the same, someone tells someone something in confidence and says 'dont tell anyone else'...and then that person goes and passes it on saying 'i shouldnt be telling you this so dont tell anyone else'...and so on. Your bf mentioning it to his mother meant you now had a situation where a person who isn't an extremely close and trusted friend/family member was in possession of your secret. And hence that person is waaaay more likely to blab about it. Blame your big mouthed bf.

Oryx

The fact that the bf told his mum is something from the past that youve already talked about with him, I dont see anything to be gained by arguing with him over it now, whats done is done. I would however, talk to his mum, as already advised here. She may not realise the strength of your feeling towards your disability. If she sees you every day and it doesnt crop up, well maybe she thought it was something you were ok about. Or maybe your bf didnt express to her how important it was not to talk about it to anyone.

The important thing is to make sure she knows now. After that, all you can do is go on as you did before. Dont dwell on who does or does not know about this. As with any kind of news or gossip, it fades, its not as important to other people as it is to you. Instead of worrying, assume that if it isnt mentioned, it isnt known about. Thats really the best defence for any loose talk.

tbh

the thing to avoid is the assumption that the mother *was* engaging in idle gossip. She may not have been, it may - MAY! - have beens something like the neighbour mentioned something about the disability and the mother said "oh yeah my sons girlfriend..." etc. Give her the benefit of the doubt. However, I understand this is your business and it's your decision whether to tell people or not - so say that to her. Try not to be confrontational - just say "listen I understand you were talking to x about my condition, to be honest I'd rather nobody knew about it unless it comes from me, ok?" Even tho she did something wrong, try not to make her feel like she did something wrong and you'll get better results in future.

Elle Collins

gimme5minutes wrote: »

Why are pinning so much of the blame on the mother? Your bf is the one who is most at fault.

Sorry but this is very true. You're just blaming the person it suits you to blame here. She isn't the one who broke your confidence - he did. Having said that, you can expect sons to talk to their mothers! There's very little in the way of secrets between a mother and her son, that's if they have a decent relationship anyway. That doesn't condone him opening his gob by the way, just pointing out that IMO when it comes to their mams young men normally do.

Sorry but I have to ask, why the need for all the secrecy anyway? I fully respect that this is your private business and you have a right to keep it so, but I also have to say I feel disability is not something anyone should have to expect to feel mortified about in this day and age. I guess what I'm asking is, do you not think you are bringing that mortification on yourself somewhat, not because of your disability, but because of your attitude towards it?

AnonoBoy

A lot of people say "now don't tell anyone this but..." and off they go about something. People don't often realise that some people really DON'T want their business discussed with others.

I had a girlfriend like this once. Within a few months of going out with her she had shared with me which of her friends had abortions, which ones used to be drug addicts, which ones had been caught in compromising positions cheating on boyfriends. But if you asked her to describe herself she would have said she was trustworthy.

A lot of people just want to contribute to conversations and if they they know somebody with a similar condition to the one being discussed they'll pipe up first and think later. The mother probably did this without thinking, while it might not have been malicious (and most likely wasn't) it was quite thoughtless.

LegacyUser

Hey guys, thanks for all the replies...

yes maybe I am embarrased of my disability and I am dealing with it, but thats another story that I dont want to get into. I dont want people knowing, never have never will.

At the time of telling my boyfriend about it, he was 18. I am not excusing him, but he was still immature and maybe he felt he needed to talk about it. I had it out with him back then, and he apologised to me admitting he was wrong in doing that and we got over it. He is also hurt that his mother betrayed his trust as they are also very close

By saying I am the laughing stock of his family, maybe I was harsh. But these people think they are "better then everyone else". All smiles and chat to people and as soon as their gone the bitchiness starts and they are cruel ( i will add his mam is NOT like this).

I Know she may not have meant to tell this person, but she did. She has told me a few things before that I would bring to my grave with me. Im just really hurt that shes done this.

I have decided to confront her this weekend on my own. As someone previously said if my boyfriend was there she might think we were ganging up on her.


Wish me luck and thanks again x

tbh

P!ssedallthewayoff wrote: »

I have decided to confront her this weekend on my own.

think about what you want to achieve from this. Is it to punish her, or to stop her from doing it again?
If you want to stop her from doing it again, I wouldn't go "confronting" her.
If you play it wrong, she won't remember the message, just the way it was delivered.

Totally up to you - you know her best, but I would remind you of the saying "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar".

LegacyUser

When i say "confront" I mean, talk to her about and let her know Im not happy about what she did.

Im not going up to shout the odds and looking for an argument, thats not me.

Im not sleeping properly thinking about it, its affecting my college work and have started getting panic attacks so I feel once i say it to her, itl be like a load lifted off me.

I dont want to stir crap between us, thats not my style, i just realised why should i bury this problem in the sand?

tbh

P!ssedallthewayoff wrote: »

When i say "confront" I mean, talk to her about and let her know Im not happy about what she did.

Im not going up to shout the odds and looking for an argument, thats not me.

Im not sleeping properly thinking about it, its affecting my college work and have started getting panic attacks so I feel once i say it to her, itl be like a load lifted off me.

I dont want to stir crap between us, thats not my style, i just realised why should i bury this problem in the sand?

I wouldn't say bury it either You're right to be annoyed about it, but again, think of what you want to achieve. She's whatever age she is now, are you going to be able to change her at this stage? is the lesson here to ensure she knows *for sure* this time not to pass on secrets, or is it not to tell her anything you want kept secret?

IF you think "I realise she's never going to change, I'm just pissed off with her and I want to vent" - ok cool, I understand that, but all that's going to do is create bad feeling with no positive outcome.

If you think "she probably wouldn't talk like that again if she knew how hurt I was" then ok cool, talk to her calmly, make her realise you're not angry with her, you just want to impress on her how important this is to you.

Monkey Allen

I'd sit her down and explain your 'disability' to her and explain why you need it to be kept (more of) a secret. However, understand her situation as a mother. She's bragging about her son and praises him for being so kind as to have a girlfriend with a disability. Ok, that sounds incredibly harsh as i dont know what you disability is.

I used to go out with a girl who has MS. She didnt keep it a secret and neither did I. But I think my mother might have used it to tell the neighbours how good I was (all bull****, I knew very little about MS and was helping with her taking the injections but clueless after that, I was fairly young).

No point falling out over this. She was wrong to do what she did but your bigger issue is not being open about your disability. If you feel the attention will be difficult to cope with, then learn how to deal with it. Letting people know should actually be more of a good thing than a bad thing as you may need assistance from them in the future.