I love you, but im not in love with you?

fabio aurellio

Finished with my girlfriend after she came out with this line. Thought it was her way of letting me down easy. This happened a few weeks ago and we agreed to remain friends for the sake of our two year old child. Because of the baby im finding it really tough, everytime i think about it I nearly cry, not for my sake but for the baby.

The relationship was a tempestuous one from the start. We used to go out while we were younger, then time moved on, I moved to do a degree, then came home 5 years later. So went home, had a really good job, a cool apartment and doing really well for myself, then after one of our increasingly frequent one night stands she tells me shes pregnant.

It all went downhill from there in. Obviously i love my child but after she was born her mum suffered from extreme post natal depression, and to be honest it dragged me down with her and eventually i became depressed, lost my job and then the recession hit badly and couldnt find another one which made things worse, i was unhappy in myself and my life, and my personality changed.
So heard that line from her a few weeks ago and thought right enoughs, enough.

So im now back in the parents house, im 27, and feeling alot better about where im going and what i want in life. Have a good (poorly paid) job.

Im at a crossroads in my life and wondering how to handle the situation. She has become bitchy this last few days in regard to any suggestions i make regarding the baby and feel she is shutting me out. Im not sure how to handle it, im not one to bite my lip if something needs to be said.

So the friends thing isnt working out and im looking forward to moving on.

I would love to hear from anyone who's been in the same situation or someone that has decent advice about how move forward with things.

Thanks

The Lovely Muffin

Do you still want to be a part of your child's life OP?

If you do and your ex is being bitchy (as you say) about shutting you out of your child's life, then maybe get yourself some legal advice to see where you stand with regards to visits, maintenance payments etc.

There is also a Parenting forum, which has some advice with regards to fathers right etc, might be an idea to have a look.

fabio aurellio

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

Do you still want to be a part of your child's life OP?

If you do and your ex is being bitchy (as you say) about shutting you out of your child's life, then maybe get yourself some legal advice to see where you stand with regards to visits, maintenance payments etc.

There is also a Parenting forum, which has some advice with regards to fathers right etc, might be an idea to have a look.

Hey, thanks for the reply, yeah i want to be there for her and in her life as much as i can.

I cant identify what it is but once i began acting like I didnt care about the childs mum, she began acting differently from the whole friends idea. She has been staying at her dads house with the baby for two days and i suggested today that its a bad idea because the baby needs stability and living in her own house. Then she went off on one about " im the childs mother and ill decide what to do" .

I dunno, im totally confused

The Lovely Muffin

fabio aurellio wrote: »

Hey, thanks for the reply, yeah i want to be there for her and in her life as much as i can.

I cant identify what it is but once i began acting like I didnt care about the childs mum, she began acting differently from the whole friends idea. She has been staying at her dads house with the baby for two days and i suggested today that its a bad idea because the baby needs stability and living in her own house. Then she went off on one about " im the childs mother and ill decide what to do" .

I dunno, im totally confused

Is it possible that when you were working at the friends thing, maybe the mum had the idea that at some point yourself and herself would get back together? but now that the friend thing hasn't worked out, she realizes that you won't get back together so is now acting differently because she is coming to realization that you and her won't be a couple again? I could be totally wrong here, it's just an idea, that's all.

I still advise you to seek legal advice. Maybe not straight away, maybe wait a few days and see how mum is before going in all guns blazing. If she continues to shut you out of your daughters life, then definitely get legal advice.

As I said before, check out the parenting forum, there is some great advice given.

Is it possible your ex is still depressed?

metrovelvet

LIke in any relationship its pretty hard to remain friends immediately after a break up, whatever the cause. Both parties need time and space to lick their wounds and time to grieve and move on. I can appreciate how hard or next to impossible this is when you share a child with someone and they are always in your face or always in contact. You don't get to heal the way childless people do.

There are a number of illusions that people cling onto imo coming from the perspective of a single parent and as a child of divorce and that is, that once the split comes, the fighting stops, it doesnt, it changes and sometimes gets worse. Things will be topsy turvy for a while - could even be a year or two before the dust settles while you both find your feet. The other illusion is that you are seperate entities from each other. It's still a family and works as a network. She has to realise this too. And whatever she is feeling, the child will pick up on and feel too so its in everyone's best interest that provocation is kept to a minimum.

I would be careful about how you make suggestions to her about what to do with the child because it could be taken as controlling devices from you. So what if the baby is at her dads house? Maybe she needs a little extra support? So what if she is staying at her dads house for two days? Seriously, you will have to choose your battles a bit better than that.

Could you perhaps write a letter saying how you suggest you remain an integrl part of the child's like. Leaving out any language of demand but a kind of statement of purpose and how you would like to move forward on this.

Have you considered family mediation or therapy?

Wompa1

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

Is it possible that when you were working at the friends thing, maybe the mum had the idea that at some point yourself and herself would get back together? but now that the friend thing hasn't worked out, she realizes that you won't get back together so is now acting differently because she is coming to realization that you and her won't be a couple again? I could be totally wrong here, it's just an idea, that's all.

I'd say this rings true. She probably had some grand ideas about being single again but had expected to have you on the long finger incase she regretted it and wanted to take you back. The fact you are moving on is upsetting her and causing her to lash out. But forget her, if you are in a good place with yourself that is all that matters. I'd say go to a solicitor and get your visitation rights.

fabio aurellio

hey guys, thanks for the advice, some good replies there that i'll be taking it on board.