Attractive but don't get approached by guys

LegacyUser

I am fed up. I look after myself. I am slim, tall, my friends tell me I have a models figure. I dress to accentuate my figure but never show too much. If guys talk to me, I'm friendly and will talk to them even if I'm not attracted to them.

Lately I've been out and my friends get all the attention. I am somewhat ignored. The only times guys talk to me is if they end up sitting near me. Guys will actually walk up to my other friends.
I am disheartened. After years of hating the way I look, I like my body and my face now. BTW I have an average to pretty face.

I've tried to think why guys don't come near me. Because I'm fairly tall (5'10" in heels) I hold myself quite straight and this might look like I'm a bit snobbish maybe?
Also I'm 34 so maybe its my age repelling men?

BTW my friends are average to pretty too. The last couple of times I've been out it's just been me and my best friend who's very pretty.

I'm not trying to come off as shallow but we all know how much looks come into play in pubs/clubs.
I come home from a night out feeling so unattractive and maybe I am just not the type of girl men are attracted to.

beks101

Stop going out with the intention to score. As long as you're doing that, you're going to exude an air of self-consciousness and seriousness that will make you unapproachable to most guys.

And the longer you judge how good your nights are on whether or not you got approached, whether or not you met someone or got a number, the more bitter and unapproachable you will become and the worse your nights out will get.

I have so many single friends like this, and one in particular who b1tches and moans about never getting approached, being permanently single and yet she refuses to open her eyes to the fact that she sits there on nights out with a sullen 'come get me' defiant look on her face that would scare any decent man off, and blank ignores the guys she's not interested in that do give it a shot.

When is the last time you saw a guy you liked the look of on a night out and actually made the first move towards him? It's bloody terrifying the first few times, I'll tell you that, but far more effective than passively sitting on your ass watching your friends chatting to men and willing the guy at the bar to come over and say hello. The way I look at it, you have no right to complain that men don't approach you unless you're willing to and have tried approaching them, this isn't the 1950s. The more approaching you do, the better you get at banter, flirting and general openness and this is reflected in your demeanour over time - so it will come back around to you.

And also bearing in mind that if the pub/club scene is the only avenue you're using to meet men, you're going to have to realise that it's a fickle game, based on looks for the most part, and there's always going to be someone prettier, hotter, younger, more scantily clad etc than you, whether it's your friend or a complete stranger. Maybe it's time to branch out and try new things, where your personality comes into play a bit more and you meet men who are interested in good conversation and making new friends as opposed to a quick shag as is often the case in pubs/clubs.

Elle Collins

Fedupfreddie wrote: »

Also I'm 34 so maybe its my age repelling men?

Good God I'm sorry OP but if I have to read this sort of nonsense one more time!!! A 34 yo woman is in the prime of her life and I would know being as I'm 34 myself!

Truthfullly I haven't a clue why men aren't approaching you but I can tell you for sure than this I'm-over-the-hill-at-34 attitude won't help.

Anyway, even if some men do agree with that perspective, they're the ones not worth worrying about. Seriously, you want a man who hasn't got a problem getting it on with a grown woman - if he's got a problem with that then he's got deeper problems you don't want to be involving yourself with.

LegacyUser

Don't worry about being chatted up in pubs or clubs.

my sis is the same age as you. Attractive, tall and never gets chatted up in clubs. I'll give you the same advice I give her: join a club, do a course, make friends with the guys and see how it goes.

You're 34 so the guys you'd go out with are let's say 32 - 40. Now, I'm 38 and I never try to chat up girls in clubs - can't hear a thing, too messy and ultimately unsatisfying conversationally.

My last few gf's / flings have been through various clubs I've been in. If it's an active club (diving, bootcamp, sailing , kayaking etc) there'll be plenty of weekends away, driving west,having sharing houses, eating together, chatting and natural repartee. A great way for getting to know people.

Also, why not try dressing a bit more casually and just go for a couple of pints with ONE other friend mid-week to a decent pub where you're more likely to be approached.

I never walk up to a group of girls but if I was in a pub with a friend, I'd be more inclined to spark up conversation with two girls who were sitting beside us. In fact, that' s what we used to always do.

LegacyUser

I had this problem too for years. However two years ago, my best friend moved abroad and I moved down the country, and for the first time ever, I had to socialise and make my own way without the safety net of girlfriends being around.

I realise now that I was subconsciously taking a 'wing girl' approach. Any time men approached I assumed it was to talk to my other friends, never thought they were interested in me. And I was taking a back seat. Since I've had to make my own way, Ive had to be quite forward and brave about going to things on my own and making my own entertainment with people.

And I've had a stream of male interest over the last few years. I'm going out with someone again now.

I agree with the person who said dont go out to score, go out to have a good time. Clubs really are a miserable way to rely on meeting people. Great craic with your friends though

Bottle_of_Smoke

A lot of the time guys only go for girls they think they have a reasonable chance with. It is possible most of them think you're out of their league.

Also although I do find tall girls attractive I wouldn't approach a girl taller than me because 99 times out of 100 they'll have no interest in a guy shorter than them.

So you will have to put some effort in yourself. Even making flirty eye contact with a guy you like will probably be enough to make him come up to you.

wylo

Id agree with the above, you might be too good looking, intimidating! I know that sounds stupid but it happens, maybe start being more forward, try to smile more and laugh more, maybe your coming across as a bit standoffish without even realising it. Eye contact and smiling is the key here.

coddlesangers

Guys are a little dense, and you are probably over thinking this. Agreed with previous poster, if there is a guy that you like the look of, tell the poor sap. Tall girls can be a little intimidating for some, but if you let a guy know that you find him interesting / attractive, job done. We are simple creatures. Feed us beer and flattery, you are in like flynn.

That_Guy

Why don't you make the first move OP?

Distorted

OP, just speak to the guys, but casually and conversationally, not as in straight into deep chatting up. You might be coming across as unapproachable for various reasons (too attractive/smart/aloof/unfriendly expression/whatever). Maybe as suggested you might be more comfortable outwith the pubs and clubs situation. But I think you should just try chatting to them.

QUOTE=wellmaybeypu;70513029]You're 34 so the guys you'd go out with are let's say 32 - 40. Now, I'm 38 and I never try to chat up girls in clubs - can't hear a thing, too messy and ultimately unsatisfying conversationally.[/QUOTE]

LOL, is this the rule of the Boards? Some of us do happily go out with men quite a few years younger than us, it is a growing trend you know (and saves them from being mistaken for being your father, as happened to me!). The likely age group should surely be 28-40. Although never say never!

albeit

I dont know, you sound a bit silly: "The last couple of times I've been out it's just been me and my best friend who's very pretty." You sound a bit like if you are still a teenager in your head, and that aint very attractive in a 34 year old woman. Are you always going around comparing yourself to other women, and think that the only thing that makes men attracted to a woman is being "pretty", "tall" and "slim" as mentioned in your post?
Beauty is about a lot more than that.

Soul Stretcher

OP - 31 yr old year male Singleton here.

Pubs/Clubs are a specialized environment. It is arguable one of their main purposes is facilitating drunken sex between drunken Irish people. Most Men looking to pull in a Nite Club are only interested in getting laid that nite (they may be open to a relationship/seconds afterwards if the One-Night lady is dynamite in bed or has a great personality).

There's lots of bull**** Pick-Up Artist stuff on the Net, that has a basis of truth in it, about Nite Club dynamics.

Men first of all with go for the safest bet. The gregarious average-looking girl, a girl known to them who they think is "easy" for whatever reason or the hot-looking girl who if off her face on drink on drugs.

You appear to be good-looking confident woman - this is not an easy bet for "Get leg over tonight" mentality man. Anyway - is that what you want ?

I havn't been to a Nite Club since before last December and I don't miss them one iota. I will go now and then for the music or whatever but they've long since stopped being my main social outlet.

Wouldn't you prefer chatting with a man during the day-time ? So you can build rapport in a non-loaded environment. Next time you're at the ATM or in Tesco or wherever and see a hunk of a man you fancy just ask him a harmless question like "Where is so-and-so" or is there a good restaurant around here or anything like that. Ask it with a smile on your face and, believe me, if he is interested HE WILL draw out the conversation and might even end up asking for your number !!!

This kind of thing is where you should be focussing OP (along with Clubs, hobbies advice). I'm not knocking Nite Clubs, I'm just saying they're not for everyone. You and I being two they're not for.

Have fun and enjoy the fun times to come !!

Oh - and p.s. Why has Dating in General (and I'm guilty of this too) become such a dull lifeless challenge to be carried around your neck ? And not a spontaneous joyful bit of fun that surely it should be ? It's almost become like a Work Task and not the fun it's supposed to be. One of the great pleasures in life.

santana75

Fedupfreddie wrote: »

I am fed up. I look after myself. I am slim, tall, my friends tell me I have a models figure. I dress to accentuate my figure but never show too much. If guys talk to me, I'm friendly and will talk to them even if I'm not attracted to them.

Lately I've been out and my friends get all the attention. I am somewhat ignored. The only times guys talk to me is if they end up sitting near me. Guys will actually walk up to my other friends.
I am disheartened. After years of hating the way I look, I like my body and my face now. BTW I have an average to pretty face.

I've tried to think why guys don't come near me. Because I'm fairly tall (5'10" in heels) I hold myself quite straight and this might look like I'm a bit snobbish maybe?
Also I'm 34 so maybe its my age repelling men?

BTW my friends are average to pretty too. The last couple of times I've been out it's just been me and my best friend who's very pretty.

I'm not trying to come off as shallow but we all know how much looks come into play in pubs/clubs.
I come home from a night out feeling so unattractive and maybe I am just not the type of girl men are attracted to.

Why are you waiting to be approached? Why not take control and approach a guy yourself?

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you for the replies.
I'd just like to clear up a few things. I do enjoy going out, dancing and having a laugh. I don't go out with the sole intention to score but lately the old clock is ticking and I suppose I feel under pressure to meet someone. I don't think I am sending out desperation vibes though.

About the 34 and repelling men comment - What I meant is that there is a general consensus that the older you get, the less you get hit on. A 20 something will get hit on more than a 30something. Generally there would be more 20something singetons than 30something singletons. I do feel I am in my prime though. Apart from the odd wrinkle I am much more confident and sure of myself than I was ever in my 20s.

I dont think referring to my best friend as being better looking than me is silly. I am just stating my opinion. Also I did state that clubs are superficial environments and looks come into play more than other situations. A guy from across a room won't be able to see how intelligent, caring, funny you are unfortunately.
I also don't think i'm that attractive that men would be intimidated by me. I thought the height might be putting them off.

I try to meet guys in other ways. I was just curious as to why I was being ignored in clubs when I make an effort.
I think I will try to work on the eye contact thing. I can't go up to a guy. I tried it before and it wasnt successful. I am in the belief that if a guy likes you he will make the effort.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Fedupfreddie wrote: »

I am in the belief that if a guy likes you he will make the effort.

You're definitely wrong about that. Guys aren't fearless and don't like rejection

MrMojoRising

Fedupfreddie wrote: »

I tried it before and it wasnt successful.

Imagine guys had that attitude. The human race would die off.

You need to put some effort in OP, stop waiting for something to happen, and make it happen. Otherwise you'll be back on boards.ie in four years time, still complaining that you're single.

Stu

OP, guys have to deal with rejection all the time otherwise we would all be single and believe me, its horrible getting that "you must be joking" look off a women you try to talk to but we have to suck it up and move on. It's 2011 but most women still expect guys to do all the running.

What's to stop you from talking to a guy at the bar and just being gregarious. You don't have to flirt heavily with the guy, just have the craic. Once your open and friendly, guys will be drawn to you. If i see a tall attractive girl sitting with her mates not really looking like shes out to meet a guy i wouldn't just walk over to her and start talking away, not a hope. Guys need some encouragement so put yourself out of your comfort zone and take the initiative sometimes especially if you see a guy you really fancy.

LegacyUser

Fedupfreddie wrote: »

I try to meet guys in other ways. I was just curious as to why I was being ignored in clubs when I make an effort.
I think I will try to work on the eye contact thing. I can't go up to a guy. I tried it before and it wasnt successful. I am in the belief that if a guy likes you he will make the effort.

lord jesus no. You need to make it blatantly obvious to us, Ive had a girl basically ride me with her eyes.......or so she said afterward anyway and I thought there was something up. Never did It occur in my head that she was anyway attracted to me, she was too good looking for that. She had to actually call me over, another lad will read that and think its sad but meh its the truth.

Your not being ignored in clubs because you dont look well, there are mingers meeting people left and right of you. Not encouraging taking up smoking but a girl on her own in the smoking area is a lot easier to approach than somebody with a group of her mates. Were not all as confident as people make out, and if so its probably over confident asshole behaviour at that

good luck

santana75

Fedupfreddie wrote: »

I am in the belief that if a guy likes you he will make the effort.

Dont make that mistake! A guy may like you, sure enough, but that doesnt mean he'll approach you. In fact a lot of lads wont approach, unless you give them the ok. And you do that via eye contact. But dont hold rigidly to the belief that the guy should approach the girl, be open minded and willing.