Used and I allowed it

LegacyUser

Long story - Was with a guy, 3 years in after spending 5 out of 7 nights in mine and say twice a month in his place, found out he was married (swears it was for a visa) to his ex and best friend. Found out through her cousin who called me. Told me that they had a strange relationship but they are trying for a baby. (he told me that he had an accident and couldnt have any but the cousin didnt know nor did she know about the visa thing). My first real love I thought. I was devastated to say the least. He begged to be listened too. I did and he convinced me. We said we would take things as they come and slowly. Said he couldnt live without me. Things got distant and I got suspicious. We never spent time in his anymore n very little with me. I was extreamly busy at work and so was he so I gave my self that excuse. He left himself logged in on FB and I checked his mails (never did it before ) and found out he had a kid that is one this month. Sick.. Called him. Said its not what it looks like. I feel like such a thick. My heart is broken and its all my fault. 4 years wasted and I was stupid enough to allow it. How will I ever get over this. Anyone been through this? He wants to meet up, not to persuade me to take him back but explain. I just dont know where to turn now. I have a lot of personal problems at the moment also that im trying to work through and i just cant seem to cope with it all.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Honey, that guy couldn't lie straight in bed. :rolleyes:

Thank your lucky stars you found out what you did before you invested any more of your time. You could have ended up pregnant and thrown on the dump heap.

I know you are hurting but you really are best off out of it. You could have never trusted him. He'd have made you miserable.

xx

Girl well if anything 'he couldnt like straight in bed'' made me laugh... Awh thanks... I just feel like such a dope like are there certain people who are just asking for men like that. I seem to get liers..

IrishEyes19

Run OP, run now!!! Just as Sunflower has said, its a horrible situation, and you are hurt, but my god havent you got out lucky!!! As sunflower said, at least you're not pregnant. Its a horrible thing to happen to you, but get out now before he just worms his way back in. The guy sounds a gifted liar!!!

I am a friend

I've been in a close enough position and the consolation is because he was such a liar, it was easier to get over him. I realised I never actually knew him and the relationship was not all I had believed as it was all based on a sham...

You will get over this. Blank him, move out and move on. He is a low life and you seem like a decent girl. Move on and dont look back and make sure, when you are feeling weak, that you remember the bad stuff... There is enough to make you very angry for a very long time.

whatsamsn

Hi op.
I've been in your situation twice. With two different women. You think you know them, you think you have something something with them. All fake. Just total cheating using liars. But I feel for you that you were with him nearly 4 years

Im sorry to say but this is going to take a while for you to get over. Something like this will change you because this cuts you deep. Just try to move on.

Elle Collins

Look OP, don't beat yourself up here. You were practically living with the man so how were you supposed to know he was married??? There was nothing in the situation to suggest that. I've seen women come on here who, two and three years down the line, still hadn't set foot inside their bf's home and claimed never to have suspected he might be involved with someone else (utter horsesh!t in my opinon - they were either seriously delusional or hopeless fools) but your situation is entirely different. You didn't know and you'd no bloody reason to know. Have to say that man is conducting one strange marriage!!!

You know the advice of other posters is the only way to go here - run, be thankful for the opportunity to do so, and just thank God you're not up the pole on the way out the door! Best of luck to you - but a word of caution: If you go back into that situation you'll be going back with your eyes open and you'll get all the heartache such a stupid decision would produce.

Wompa1

No offence intended but I find that girls can be very naive when it comes to their partners. It's as thought no matter what they think they can do no wrong..more fooling themselves than anything. I would say take it as a learning experience and in fairness he should be very easy to get over since you know he's a piece of crap. You dodged a bullet, now he's someone elses mistake

Distorted

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. Theres no accounting for a conman or woman. He's probably very practised and expert in lieing and acting the part; its not the sort of thing you normally ask yourself when going out with a guy in the circumstances above. You have to trust that people are telling the truth in matters of the heart, unless there are obvious red flags, otherwise you end up becoming overly suspicious and mistrusting. At least he didn't tap you for your money like some of these con artists do.

LegacyUser

Im feeling much better now that ppl dont think im the dope that i feel i am. YES I was a bit Niave BUT I did love him .. I have had him in my life for 4 years so its difficult to ignore the good times (and there were the 90% of the time we were together ) but i am glad im away and as you guys say without a baby on the way.. My GOD!!! How lucky am I to get away with that one.. Still it will be raw but i do really appreciate ur honest comments.. I can hold my head up high and say I loved with a full open heart.. He will never feel that.. Sad! Poor wife STUCK! Id love to tell her but.. Its not my place.. Apparently she knew about me a long time ago and never said anything to him... Now.. if i cant be thankfull for NOT being her stuck.. What can I. Thanks again

Katgurl

Op, you've really been through the ringer with this guy. I'm confused by your title though, I can't see any evidence for your behaving like a fool or allowing him to use you. It sounds like all you allowed was to do your best in your relationship. It is in no way uour fault the guy is a piece of trash.

metrovelvet

fool101'' wrote: »

Im feeling much better now that ppl dont think im the dope that i feel i am. YES I was a bit Niave BUT I did love him .. I have had him in my life for 4 years so its difficult to ignore the good times (and there were the 90% of the time we were together ) but i am glad im away and as you guys say without a baby on the way.. My GOD!!! How lucky am I to get away with that one.. Still it will be raw but i do really appreciate ur honest comments.. I can hold my head up high and say I loved with a full open heart.. He will never feel that.. Sad! Poor wife STUCK! Id love to tell her but.. Its not my place.. Apparently she knew about me a long time ago and never said anything to him... Now.. if i cant be thankfull for NOT being her stuck.. What can I. Thanks again

I think one of the worst things about this when this happens is the dawning that you didnt love this person, you loved an entire lie they concocted and whatever you consented to within the relationship was a lie. Its like being sold cubic zirconia when the salesman told you they were diamonds and you werent even jewellry shopping in the first place. In a roundabout way, these lost con artists are to be pitied because they pay for it. They pay for it by never knowing what it is to fully loved for who they are.

They really need to make an easilty accessible public on line marriage registry.

The wife may or may not know about you. He is probably adept at lying to her, and if she does know he most likely as convinced her it is not what it is. Its crazy making behavior.

LegacyUser

Guys thank u so much. Im amazed how much you guys made a difference to how I feel and I havnt even met you. I was really feeling low and this really picked me up so thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Really appreciate it x ur time and thoughts are invaluable

Little Acorn

metrovelvet wrote: »

I think one of the worst things about this when this happens is the dawning that you didnt love this person, you loved an entire lie they concocted and whatever you consented to within the relationship was a lie. Its like being sold cubic zirconia when the salesman told you they were diamonds and you werent even jewellry shopping in the first place. In a roundabout way, these lost con artists are to be pitied because they pay for it. They pay for it by never knowing what it is to fully loved for who they are.

They really need to make an easilty accessible public on line marriage registry.

The wife may or may not know about you. He is probably adept at lying to her, and if she does know he most likely as convinced her it is not what it is. Its crazy making behavior.

That is an excellent point that I've never thought of before. I've never to my knowledge been cheated on myself, but if I ever am [hopefully never!], I will remember this line.
OP, I think you should repeat to yourself what Metrovelvet has said there, because it's very true, and a good way of looking at the situation.
At least you are free from his web of lies now, and can move on with your life.
I wish you the best.