He's blowing hot and cold

Mrs Garth Brooks

Right now im in tears. I have fallen for a guy who is a bit of an asshole.

I have a of always fancied him. On a night out a few months ago, he kissed me. He wasn't drinking. This really threw me off. Who would kiss someone if they didn't like them?

So 5 months on, things are still going slow. I moved away, so there is the distance and dont get to see him enough. He is older than me also.

Just sometimes I think he just wanted an ego boost. He texted me yesterday and when i replied, it was ignored. Thought he might have ran out of credit so I rang him and he swited his phone off. 3 days after sleeping with him. A quick message to say he couldn't talk would have done. This is what gets me, he initiated contact and only to ignore me.
What's he playing at?

I dont know what im asking but im in tears and feel like ****. I sent him a message telling him I had enough.

LegacyUser

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

Right now im in tears. I have fallen for a guy who is a bit of an asshole.

I have a of always fancied him. On a night out a few months ago, he kissed me. He wasn't drinking. This really threw me off. Who would kiss someone if they didn't like them?

So 5 months on, things are still going slow. I moved away, so there is the distance and dont get to see him enough. He is older than me also.

Just sometimes I think he just wanted an ego boost. He texted me yesterday and when i replied, it was ignored. Thought he might have ran out of credit so I rang him and he swited his phone off. 3 days after sleeping with him. A quick message to say he couldn't talk would have done. This is what gets me, he initiated contact and only to ignore me.
What's he playing at?

I dont know what im asking but im in tears and feel like ****. I sent him a message telling him I had enough.

You need to relax. He may have been driving, in church, with his parents, watching the rugby in a loud pub, etc,etc. Somewhere he couldn't talk. He texted you in the first instance so obviously he is not a hit and split guy. However, nothing kills it faster than the message you have just sent. You now come across as needy and demanding.

Firetrap

He was just using you. It's quite likely he only wanted you for one thing really. Some people make excuses for ignored texts - he's out of credit/busy/lost his phone - but in the majority of cases it's because they're not that interested in you. They will however make contact again when it suits them. That he turned off his phone is a clear unambiguous message as to where you stand. Delete his number and move on. If he comes crawling back, presumably when he's hoping to have sex with you again, ignore his calls/texts.

IrishEyes19

It's probably not something you believe right now, OP, but its not you, its all him. And I truly believe that. Mainly because these type of people guys and girls go out for one thing, where they can score and flirt around and not have to deal with having a relationship. Unfortunately for you in this guys case, he does appear to be a total user, I can identify with some of his actions, the texting you and then not texting back or stopping texting. I think other posters are right, its an ego thing. Kind of "I can text you on my terms," sort of boost.

I dont think anything is going to change with this guy and although you're very upset now, dont settle for less either or take second best. Deep down you want a guy who treats you like royalty, someone who brings out the absolute best in you. Not a guy who makes you cry.

You really have to be strong in this case and not go back to him, if he sends you some sweet message some night. Ive been there, it doesnt change. I dealt with a guy like this for almost a year, he never changed and only now am I really getting back on track. So you have a chance here now to avoid anymore pain. No more sleeping with him, or texting. Its very hard when you have fallen for this guy or fancy him. But do you really fancy the horrid person he is.

try your hardest to ignore him. Its the best revenge yet. No contact is the best, but dont use it as a tool to win him, back, rather as a tool to take care of yourself and recover. All the best

Mrs Garth Brooks

Wish it was so easy to forget him. I want to, fck him, why should he get the best of me? But i said that since september and cant find myself concentrating on college. Its a course i have always wanted to do and i never wanted anything or anyone to get in the way of it but i cant concentrate. I have a project for next week but i cant even start on it. How do i do it?

IrishEyes19

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

Wish it was so easy to forget him. I want to, fck him, why should he get the best of me? But i said that since september and cant find myself concentrating on college. Its a course i have always wanted to do and i never wanted anything or anyone to get in the way of it but i cant concentrate. I have a project for next week but i cant even start on it. How do i do it?

OP, everything you're saying I've been there as have many posters here. I know I could barely lift my head up after my own encounter with this type of guy, I felt so down, and alone even though I had a wonderful friend who assured me it was right to let him go, as he was no good. Even then I couldnt see it. Im only getting over it now. Ive spent nearly the last year trying to turn a non committal guy into a bf, it just doesnt happen.

Like yourself I faltered in September when it ended around that time, he came back and I fell for it again. Dont make my mistake.

How you do this, is tonight wrap up in your best pj's. Call over friends, college friends if they are free. Get ice-cream, movies, gossip mags and have a night where you can b***ch away about what a dumbass he's been. Have a few laughs, Im sure your friends will be full of praise for you.

Then tomorrow morning, the detox begins, get up at a good time. Pamper yourself pretty and go into colllege looking great. This is the start of where you dont text him, look at your phone, his fb or whatever. Nothing of the sort. Its going to be really hard. I would also remove his number or chnage the name to a different "unsavory" title if you cant delete it, just in case your in danger of ever drunk texting him.

You force yourself to do the college work, its as simple as that. Nothing is worth screwing your degree over, and especially not some guy/girl. You'll find in time, it will get easier, you wont hurt as much, Im not saying it will go away instanstly, but its not as raw.

John400

Calm Down wrote: »

You need to relax. He may have been driving, in church, with his parents, watching the rugby in a loud pub, etc,etc. Somewhere he couldn't talk. He texted you in the first instance so obviously he is not a hit and split guy. However, nothing kills it faster than the message you have just sent. You now come across as needy and demanding.

So he couldn't pull over the car to talk/text her? He couldn't walk outside the church to talk/text her? He couldn't walk away from his parents to talk/text her? He couldn't step outside the pub to talk/text her?

This girl does not come across as needy and demanding one bit! If this guy had a genuine interest in her, then he'd make a genuine effort with her.

The guy is an arsehole, she's better off without him.

Mrs Garth Brooks

I thought i'd give him a chance today. Rang him and he switched his phone off while i was ringing him. I never felt so used in my whole life. He got what he wanted and feckked off. I dont know what i did wrong. It was him who texted me first yesterday. Not even one quick message in the past 48 hours. Feel like crap.
Had to get the morning after pill also. Was told it was only 94% effective. What happens if i get pregnant? There's a 6% chance. I dont want his rotten babies.

I am a friend

Will you settle yourself woman and quit chasing him.... He is not treating you well so stop. Have some self respect.

Chances are you are not PG so chin up and move on. Dont contact him again. Why give him the ego boost?

midlandsmissus

Ouch.

I feel for you.

But DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT ring him!

It's human nature when some-one who you really like treats you bad to make excuses for them.
A guy treated me like **** and I would still think" oh but he was so nice that other time".
You're focusing on the nice time he kissed you. Don't - focus on the horrible thing he did hanging up on you.

Also, it could be something else - he might not know what to say to you right now.

Either way DON'T call him. Cutting of all contact is the best thing you can do.

Chin up!

IrishEyes19

Op, he's either really bad with phones which I doubt :rolleyes: , or else he's a cowardly person which Im more in favour off. But seriously, you need to protect yourself now from any further hurt and let this fool go. Don't hurt yourself anymore than he has already and pestering him will only make him think your crazy which you're not or else he'll just block your number.
Let him go and treat yourself to a nice evening with the girls. Spend it with people you care about and not worrying about idiots like him.

greengiant09

get a grip OP!...this guy is treating you like sh*t and you're lapping it up. he's making a fool of you. all he has to do is click his fingers and you come running.

this is a clear cut, black and white situation. cut him off or prepare to be treated like dirt....

Firetrap

Try to calm down and put it into perspective. You're not the first person to have ever found yourself in this situation and you'll not be the last. There is nothing you can do about what has happened so it's time to draw a line under this and move on.

Firstly, do not even attempt to contact this guy again. Everyone has been telling you that and I think your getting burnt by this for the second time might have hammered this home to you. Delete his number, zap his Facebook. Whatever it takes.

Secondly, don't let him ruin your chances with your college course. You're feeling like a piece of crap at the moment but imagine how much worse it will be if you get poor marks or fail - and all because of him. Put your head down, concentrate on your studies and do your best from now til the end of the course.

And Thirdly, chalk this up to experience. When you're less wound up about this, you'll look back and spot all sorts of warning signs which didn't seem so obvious at the time.

Mrs Garth Brooks

I think its over. I dont know what i did wrong. No, i didn't do anything wrong. Its him who has the problem. I know that if he does ring, he will use this an excuse and blame me, i shouldn't be getting angry. What, I should take it, should I? I have been used before and when he wanted out, everything was my fault. Why is he being an asshole? I dont even want to listen to him blaming me.

IrishEyes19

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

I think its over. I dont know what i did wrong. No, i didn't do anything wrong. Its him who has the problem. I know that if he does ring him, he will use this an excuse and blame me, i shouldn't be getting angry. What, I should take it, should I? I have been used before and when he wanted out, everything was my fault. Why is he being an asshole? I dont even want to listen to him blaming me.

OP, these sort of people dont need reasons for being assholes, I think we give them too much credit when we say it leads back to their ex's, backgrounds, ect. Ive seen plenty of complicated people lead great relationships. The point is, he's someone who doesnt want a relationship, just the random flings. Im sorry that it hurt you though.

Also, he wont ring to blame you that Im certain off. Most people hate confrontation, he's not going to ring you up to listen to you give out to him for his bad treatment of you.

It is over!!! But I dont think you believe that yet, you're still questioning why he has acted how he did and so on. Delete his number now, so that you wont be tempted to contact him again. Theres nothing to lose here. It wont make him not contact you and it wont make him contact you. But it will prevent you from contacting him and thats the main goal here.

Mrs Garth Brooks

Last week I was heading out and he asked me over the phone, "what if i meet a guy while out", like as if he was jealous someone else might get me. Then he tells me i shouldn't be waiting for him. What did he want? Did he want me for himself and jealous someone else might get me? Or is it just an ego boost for him if i told him he was the only one? I didn't tell him that.

Sorry for the ranting.

LegacyUser

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

Last week I was heading out and he asked me over the phone, "what if i meet a guy while out", like as if he was jealous someone else might get me.

If I was seeing a guy and he said that to me, I wouldn't take it as a compliment. I'd think he was possessive, and would take it as a massive sign that he's not great boyfriend material. So stop looking back on things like these and thinking 'he used to really like me'. It seems to me he barely knows how to conduct an adult relationship.

An asshole partner will always be vague about his comings and goings. He will break promises/change plans on a regular basis. He will ring you at two in the morning to apologise for not texting you during the week, hoping that he'll end up in your bed. He will make very little effort to take you out, and will not plan things in advance, in other words you're his last option.

In stark contrast.......

*A decent man will always ring/text when he says he will. If he can't ring/text, he'll give an explanation as to why he couldn't (if he likes you a lot, he really doesn't want to run the risk of losing you over something silly like a missed text/phonecall).

*A decent man will take interest in what you're saying, and ask you about yourself.

*A decent man will take you out (doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant, could be a walk in the hills)

*A decent man will make plans with you. He will want to see you as often as he can, so he'll organise dates well in advance.

*A decent man makes you his top priority.


What way do you want to be treated OP? If you make contact with this guy again, no doubt about it but you will end up with an asshole partner who'll treat you as I described in the 'asshole partner' paragraph. It really is up to you how you want to be treated

greengiant09

i'll try not to be too harsh on you OP but you are acting like an absolute fool! you really need to cop on....you're being completely taken advantage of and you're allowing it to happen.

all your posts are about what you've done wrong....when in fact you haven't done anything wrong. this is something you really can't seem to grasp!

this guy is a manipulative d*ck-head....most women would have told him to fock off a long time ago but you're still hanging on his coat tails. i'd hazard a guess that you have self-esteem issues because not many people would put up with this crap.

albeit

Once upon a time I was in a similar situation. He might be what some would call a commitment-phobe, he may also have several different "affairs" going on at the same time. I know it is really hard to handle, and the worst thing is he will probably make you feel bad for trying to understand what's going on.

Mrs Garth Brooks

greengiant09 wrote: »

i'll try not to be too harsh on you OP but you are acting like an absolute fool! you really need to cop on....you're being completely taken advantage of and you're allowing it to happen.

all your posts are about what you've done wrong....when in fact you haven't done anything wrong. this is something you really can't seem to grasp!

this guy is a manipulative d*ck-head....most women would have told him to fock off a long time ago but you're still hanging on his coat tails. i'd hazard a guess that you have self-esteem issues because not many people would put up with this crap.

I dont know if i do have self-esteem issues. I probably do, i have been burnt once by a different guy and its the same thing over again with this yoke. I give up cause i cant put up with it.

IrishEyes19

OP, Im along the same lines here as greengiant, I dont want to be harsh, but I don't think you're on here asking for advice how to get over him, rather that you want us to explain why he has acted the way he has, and if there was anything you did wrong.

The answer is NO! However, right now you are doing everything wrong, you are punishing yourself, over analysing the situation, torturing yourself and basically justifying what he did. Everyone here is right, he's not going to be sitting around moaning and acting down because of this, so why do it to yourself. The best revenge is self improvement. Why bring back all the pain and hurt when you could meet someone decent.

greengiant09

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

I dont know if i do have self-esteem issues. I probably do, i have been burnt once by a different guy and its the same thing over again with this yoke. I give up cause i cant put up with it.

you know what's best for you to do and it's up to you to do it. i have to wonder though about people like you who end up in these situations. not being offensive but maybe there's something deeper going on with you which draws you to these kind of characters. most people would have spotted the dangers and at worst, got burnt and walked away....but you keep going back which makes no sense at all. maybe you should have a talk with a counsellor. good luck

IrishEyes19

A little harsh. Relationships be they casual or serious are unique to all, its very easy to fall under a spell for someone, and a lot easier for people to judge others, totally different when you're experiencing it yourself. I dont think theres anything wrong with someone because they got used by someone they fell for and didnt bow out early. People dont always see the warning signs when they fall for someone. eg, the whole notion of rose tinted glasses.

@OP, for your own sake, delete his number OP and facebook if you have it. Just do that first, it'll be the first best step to take. Seriously.