No compromise at all, He's goin home I'm not

LegacyUser

I went unreg'd for this.

Ok, with my OH for 4 years now. We're both 22, been living together for 6 months now, in a different country. He's goin home I'm not.

He wants to go home, I know this and I know its not always as easy for him as it is for me. But it doesnt really try to like it here. I have been making an effort to make friends, organise social events, go places. He didnt have a job for a few months even though we were flat broke with my wage barely covering cost because he didnt like any of the jobs he was being offered, not good enough for him. In my opinion he's 22 not 72 he should have taken any job he could get while still looking for something better. I was under huge pressure to pay for everything!! And it oblitorated all my savings. He has a job now in his field but he still complains. I basically think he never wanted to make living over here work.

So he decided WE were going home. No discussion, no compromising, nothing (this was around Oct). I tried so hard to bring up the subject but he wasnt budging. So after a lot and i mean a LOT of thinking I have decided that yes I do love him, yes I do see a potential future with him, but that I have to do what I have to do right now. It was a really tough decision to make because long distance wont work for me. I want to travel Asia and then maybe a year or two in oz or new zealand, if we're still together I will be pure depressed.

Anyway to the point! After all the heart ache he put me through he is now willing to compromise, a week after I have made plans which I cannot cancel, and he knows I cannot cancel now. I think he is just saying he wil compromise now because he knows I cant stay and it passes any blame of this break up all onto me.

I am being selfish? Deranged? I just dont understand what has happended here

Thanks for reading this and I could really use some advice

MsHolloway

hi op,
I personally don't think you're being selfish. Presumably you both made the decision to go abroad to look for work. Its just unfortunate ( and fortunate) that it worked out better for you.

I know you've been with him 4 years but you're only 22. I personally wouldn't like someone else trying to make a choice for me ( " WE " are going home, not "I'm unhappy and think I would like to go home, how would you feel about this etc"

What kind of compromise is he willing to make exactly? Do you think you could make this compromise work in any way?

I personally think you're making the better choice to do more travelling, you're at a really good age to do so. And it is definitely one of those things you would regret if you didn't get a chance to experience it. But its very easy for me to say that I'm not in your situation, I don't know about your relationship. Only you know how strongly you feel about him, and if you'd regret not trying to make this compromise work and if you'd regret the relationship breaking up over this.

I just want to add I think its quite unfair of him to put you in this situation. He had months to think of what he wanted to do. Now that you have made plans, he suddenly wants to compromise?? I think this is very unfair.

I think you need to have a good chat with him and like I said before find out exactly what compromise hes willing to make? If he stays can he be included in the plans you've made etc

Don't worry about the blame being put on you, you both decided to go abroad, you got on better than he did. he wanted to go home, wasn't willing to compromise on this for MONTHS, then suddenly when you have plans made and you've made your mind up to stay, he starts telling you he's willing to compromise? Like I said, thats very unfair on you.

Firetrap

I don't think you're being selfish at all. If you wanted to attach the selfish label to anyone, it could be attached to your OH. You're the one who's had to put in a lot of effort and it doesn't look like he supported you too well at times. What's setting alarm bells off is his unwillingness to compromise - that things have to be on his terms or not at all.

Moomoo1

who knows! wrote: »

Anyway to the point! After all the heart ache he put me through he is now willing to compromise, a week after I have made plans which I cannot cancel, and he knows I cannot cancel now. I think he is just saying he wil compromise now because he knows I cant stay and it passes any blame of this break up all onto me.

I think more detail is needed here. What are the plans, what's the compromise? I thought he was unhappy to live and work in another country, but I'd be surprised if he's unwiling to go travelling with you?

I don't think it's about passing the blame - more that the realisation of the fact that you will soon no longer be together hit him when you made those plans.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

He is half heartedly saying he might stay if things dont work out with going home. Aka his second options. But this is all only coming up once I have made my plans. Time and time again I told him I didnt want to go back to Ireland and he was totally unwilling to compromise. I think he thought I would eventually just do go along with what he wanted. I cant go back on my plans because I have made a promise to my best friends. I am not willing to bail on her!!

No he couldnt really be fitted into the plan because he does not want to go travelling at all, we did a little bit before and he hated it and ruined the whole experience for me. We ended up doing hardly anything bar going drinking and watching dvd's in our room. Truely cultural experience!!

I know it is unlikely but maybe we'd get back together in 2 years or something when i get home?

Moomoo1

still confused wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

He is half heartedly saying he might stay if things dont work out with going home. Aka his second options. But this is all only coming up once I have made my plans. Time and time again I told him I didnt want to go back to Ireland and he was totally unwilling to compromise. I think he thought I would eventually just do go along with what he wanted. I cant go back on my plans because I have made a promise to my best friends. I am not willing to bail on her!!

No he couldnt really be fitted into the plan because he does not want to go travelling at all, we did a little bit before and he hated it and ruined the whole experience for me. We ended up doing hardly anything bar going drinking and watching dvd's in our room. Truely cultural experience!!

I know it is unlikely but maybe we'd get back together in 2 years or something when i get home?

problem is... this isn't really the sort of situation that a compromise exists in

you either live in Ireland... or you don't. There isn't really a middle ground if things are like you describe, if you have one person who is homesick and another who wants to go travelling _and_ insists on not doing LDR then what can you actually do? The only solution is if one person caves in entirely to the other.

I agree that he shouldn't have pretended the issue doesn't exist and swept it under the carpet until the last minute, but there are a lot of people who tend to do that: it's almost a defense mechanism. But if he hadn't done that, would that have really changed anything?

pow wow

still confused wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

He is half heartedly saying he might stay if things dont work out with going home. Aka his second options. But this is all only coming up once I have made my plans. Time and time again I told him I didnt want to go back to Ireland and he was totally unwilling to compromise. I think he thought I would eventually just do go along with what he wanted. I cant go back on my plans because I have made a promise to my best friends. I am not willing to bail on her!!
...

I know it is unlikely but maybe we'd get back together in 2 years or something when i get home?

He's probably just realised the real implications of his decision (i.e. a break up!) and he's considering backtracking because he doesn't want to lose you. It is really tough when you know you're both going in different directions with life or whatever but still have feelings for each other - and maybe you will end up in the same place in your lives eventually and live happily ever after, who knows. Right now if he'd be miserable staying and you'd be miserable coming home then you have a problem which may not have a happy ending in the short-term.

Only you can really decide what you want to do here. Having been in the same situation myself many moons ago all I'd say (so as not to sway you too much!) is that whatever decision you make it will work out in the long run.