Need help with my brother

LegacyUser

Hi guys! I need some help and i dont know who to ask ?

The problem is not me but my younger brother, He's 18 now and in Leaving cert which is a tough enough time alone. The problem is he is gay!Well thats not the problem asuch. He has'nt said it to us or anything like but we have out suspicions ! Dont get me wrong him being gay is the last thing in the world we would care about , if thats who he is then there is no more to it like that wud be sound like.
The problem is his anger, he has a searious temper and flips out over the smallest thing and it seems to be getting worse. As i said before myself and his sister have kinda known for a while he is gay , well we are 99% sure! thing is im starting to think it is the cause of his temper, do you think that being in the closet can build up frustration ?
Today he came home from school giving off about somthing that didnt even involve him in the slightest and took a fit of rage , Im bigger and stronger than he is but have never seen anger like it from him n its shocked me ! Mun as said his anger is getting worse and is worried about it.
Should we ask him is he gay and is this where the frustration is building from or should we let him come out by himself ? I know there are possibly other issues like but when he is asked whats wrong all he says is the no one listens to him! I sort of think he really means he has no one to talk to and bottles his anger. Should i talk to him ? what should i say ? Is thin common befor comming out ?

Thx

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Tomas348 wrote: »

Hi guys! I need some help and i dont know who to ask ?

The problem is not me but my younger brother, He's 18 now and in Leaving cert which is a tough enough time alone. The problem is he is gay!Well thats not the problem asuch. He has'nt said it to us or anything like but we have out suspicions ! Dont get me wrong him being gay is the last thing in the world we would care about , if thats who he is then there is no more to it like that wud be sound like.
The problem is his anger, he has a searious temper and flips out over the smallest thing and it seems to be getting worse. As i said before myself and his sister have kinda known for a while he is gay , well we are 99% sure! thing is im starting to think it is the cause of his temper, do you think that being in the closet can build up frustration ?
Today he came home from school giving off about somthing that didnt even involve him in the slightest and took a fit of rage , Im bigger and stronger than he is but have never seen anger like it from him n its shocked me ! Mun as said his anger is getting worse and is worried about it.
Should we ask him is he gay and is this where the frustration is building from or should we let him come out by himself ? I know there are possibly other issues like but when he is asked whats wrong all he says is the no one listens to him! I sort of think he really means he has no one to talk to and bottles his anger. Should i talk to him ? what should i say ? Is thin common befor comming out ?

Thx

What makes you think this has to do with him being gay?

He could be stressed about exams.

If I were you, I would make random and regular comments about gay people and that how much you like them/have no issue with them being gay/that a friend of yours is gay and you're sound about it etc. It's patronising but he'll probably feel better hearing this type of thing.

I do emphsise that this could have nothing to do with sexuality (I'm assuming you're certain he's gay).

Aard

Sounds like he's got depression, which may or may not have anything to do with being gay. If he is gay though, then chances are it does. I'd talk to him about his anger first, then more than likely you'll get to the core of the issue. Then might be an appropriate time to broach the subject. Asking him straight out is likely to make him keep his mouth shut about it.

Coeurdepirate

I don't think you should ask him directly if he's gay, as he will probably deny it no matter how supportive you are, or if he actually isn't gay he could get even more angry. However, maybe you could all drop little 'hints' into your everyday conversations, like "Oh I was out with X the last night for a few drinks, some lad came up giving him **** about him being gay and I lost it" or something. I know that that sounds stupid, but I couldn't think of anything else because "I was out the last night with my gay friend" sounds sorta like that's all you're defining him by. Anyway, it's good that you're all okay with him being gay (if he is), good luck!

Timmy_the_dog

Hey OP,

It really sounds like you should get your brother to go and talk to someone.. a professional I mean.
His "rage" issues could be completely unrelated to the fact that you and your sister think he is gay.

Also I think it's great that you're looking for help for your brother. If there were more brothers like you in the world maybe it wouldn't be half as shít.

Good Luck!!

Dr. Baltar

Once again: what makes you suspect he is gay?

All teenagers have a furious rage inside them.


Although, believe me, if he isn't straight then it really does add to the fury you feel as an adolescent!
I would mirror the comments above and throw in random comments about how your gay friend ;peter' is just a normal guy who happens to be gay and he's the coolest guy ever just in case!

Endymion

Timmy_the_dog wrote: »

Hey OP,

It really sounds like you should get your brother to go and talk to someone.. a professional I mean.
His "rage" issues could be completely unrelated to the fact that you and your sister think he is gay.

Also I think it's great that you're looking for help for your brother. If there were more brothers like you in the world maybe it wouldn't be half as shít.

Good Luck!!

Or it could be completely related. Telling someone you feel they need professional help is often perceived very negatively and likely to cause him to withdraw further. A lot of this stuff is exactly what family is for. You need to get him talking about everything and anything and then make him aware that counselling is available if he thinks he needs it. Otherwise you run the risk of making him feel forced into it, or that you don't want to talk to him.

There's little benefit to directly bring up homosexuality, as again this is risky. Try to talk to him about his friends, how they are treating him. About if there's someone he fancies, about how he feels towards the family. These are all topics which will be impacted by his sexuality, but which give you an opportunity to edge in on a discussion of his sexuality, with "ambushing" him by talking directly to the point.

One last point, you may find you're completely wrong about his sexuality. No offence to women but it's been my experience that they are shockingly bad at judging male sexuality, so your sister could be way off. It might be the issue is that all his friends and family are ascribing a sexuality to him which doesn't fit.

Beruthiel

Hi Tomas,

Does your mother also think he's gay? I mean, has she discussed it with you or is this thinking just between you and your sister?
Has your mother sat him down and calmly talked to him about his anger? Speaking as a mother myself, if she has not done that, it's time she did. Suggest it to her. She needs to tell him she's worried for him and no matter what he tells her, it will not change the love she has for him.

stephen_n

Hey OP I think the answer is in your question. He says he is angry because no one listens to him. That is as direct a request as it gets, he just wants to be seen heard and he needs to feel that. It sounds like you and your sister are close to him so maybe you should try and sit down with him and give him the space to just talk, don't judge what he says, don't try fix it or change it, just listen to him and if you find what he is saying confusing ask him to clarify it for you, don't try fill in the blanks. That way he will feel heard. You could suggest that he goes to see a counselor to give him the space to be heard as well, there is no stigma attached to that, it's just somewhere to talk out his issues and be listened to with compassion!

Anger, depression, gay, straight are all just categories when all he really needs is what we all need. To communicate and be heard, to be allowed to be ourselves and not be judged.

CdeC

Hey OP,
Yes many young gay guys have quick tempers as they are angry. They are hiding a part of themselves and feel completely unable to express themselves sexually as all their peers are able too.

You might though take a different route. If a discussion arises at the table about gay issues or maybe a gay person is on the television just say "I have no problem with gay people." and other such messages. I think if young gay kids were just aware that they will be accepted and that when they are ready to come out the people close to them will still be there then I think that would be a huge relief just to know that.

Best of luck.

reeta

CdeC wrote: »

Hey OP,
Yes many young gay guys have quick tempers as they are angry. They are hiding a part of themselves and feel completely unable to express themselves sexually as all their peers are able too.

You might though take a different route. If a discussion arises at the table about gay issues or maybe a gay person is on the television just say "I have no problem with gay people." and other such messages. I think if young gay kids were just aware that they will be accepted and that when they are ready to come out the people close to them will still be there then I think that would be a huge relief just to know that.

Best of luck.

Totally agree with above. My friend is gay and before he came out he had a really bad temper claiming nobody listened to him. He can now admit it was because he felt he could not admit to what he was and was so annoyed with the world, he took it out on those closest to him. He really needs someone to sit down and talk to him, he behaviour cannot be accepted no matter what he is going through. Best of luck.

An Cuinneach

Leaving Cert + Teenager + (Possibly) Being Gay + Any Number of Other Stuff can make for some pretty angry people. From my experience, just make sure you spend time talking to him - I'm not even talking about a sit-down discussion - just even XBOX/Playstation. I'd also agree with dropping subtle comments like the ones posted above - when I was coming out, it made it heaps easier talking to people who I knew were 100% cool with. Something as simple as 'I was out with Ciarán and his boyfriend the other night, blah, blah, blah' can actually go along way.

Your bro may not actually be gay and so the comments won't have any positive or negative effect. But if you've also shown him that he can talk to you about stuff, you might find out what's really wrong with him.

From my experience, I'd hold off on suggesting he goes to talk to someone.

mranthrope

Often the situation makes it hard for people to talk. It is important that space as well as time are made available for him to talk. It might be going out walking with him in the countryside. Take your time and just share the experience together and let him talk when he wants. Sometimes, it is helpful if you offer some private insight into yourself as a way to show him you trust him, and hence he can trust you. Don't push him to talk, but let him know that you are more than happy to listen and that you appreciate being able to talk to him. When he talks - listen! If you do talk, show him that you understood what he said. For example, if he says he is affraid of the leaving cert, don't simply say "you'll be fine" or "everyone feels that". Reply in a way that shows him :

1. You heard what he said and are taking it on board.
2. What it means to Him [not people in general].

You might reply in this case -"So, you've been dreading these exams". Your not saying "you'll be fine" which would be telling him that the way he is feeling is wrong/I told you to think differently and let's move on, nor are you ignoring him as an individual by saying "everyone feels that".

If you don't understand, gently ask questions to make sure you do - that way he knows you are really listening. If you ask questions pause and wait for an answer.

If, however, you and he have always had problems between you, it may be better for someone else to try it.

If no progress happens in this fashion, it is time to get external help.

This can start by your mother talking to him.

Remember, that it never harms to ask "how are you feeling in yourself". Often, people ask what are you thinking, when feeling is the issue. Not feelings about things, but just feelings in yourself.

DS333

OP, you should read "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs, Ph.D. It might explain where his anger stems from and help you understand him better - that is, if he is really gay. It certainly was the last piece in the jigsaw puzzle for me, and makes sense of so much in my past.

Then, whenever he comes out, your brother should read it too. I wish I had read it at his age rather than now. It would have made my life a whole lot easier. I would recommend it to anyone and everyone.

Best of luck to you all...

An Cuinneach

The Velvet Rage is a great book! I'd recommend giving that a read, will give you a lot of insight.