Annoying, clingy friend

LegacyUser

Small problem but it's doing my head in.

I'm working abroad for 6 months and I have a friend (more of an acquaintance, really) who works in the same company. We eat lunch together most days and often go out for a drink after work. Well, recently (there is a backstory I will post if necessary, but basically she hangs out with me because she's burned bridges with others) she has just become unbearably, ridiculously clingy. As in, if she invites me somewhere and I say no, she'll beg and beg and ask why not. I'm constantly having to justify my every move to her. She makes this face and makes me feel like an awful person if I say I don't want to do something.

I was so happy to be going away to another city this weekend to have some space and meet up with some old friends. Well, it turns out she's gonna be there as well. She's staying with friends but she's insisting on meeting up while we're there! I really don't want to! I'm only there for just over 24 hours, I have loads of friends I want to catch up with, I don't want to spend my time there hanging out with this girl I see every single day and don't even particularly like! She has sent me several texts already and just came on Skype to ring me and tell me where she's staying, insisting that we meet up for drinks. How can anyone be so goddamn annoying and persistent? Can she not understand the concept of space and wanting to hang out with other people? I'm absolutely dreading the trip now. Initially it was supposed to be a treat, a break from my daily life here, and it's now turned into a total burden. I'm afraid that if I lie and say I'm not around, I'll bump into her at one of the bars or something. I'm thinking of ways to not meet her - pretending to lose my phone, have no credit etc but she is just so persistent! I know if I don't meet her she won't stop going on about it next week. I don't even understand WHY she is so desperate to hang out with me when she has friends there! I just feel really resentful that this is yet another stress in my life when all I wanted was a peaceful weekend away with my friends. Why can't she just leave me alone? What do I do?

It's easy with people like that to get caught in the trap of saying "yeah sure", just to get them off your back. Then they come back in a while acting like it was a promise. When she brings up stuff like that, any future plans or arrangements, just don't give in. Take an "I don't think I'll have time to be honest" stance and don't move from it. When she's on skype talking about meeting up, cut her short. Tell her that you don't think you'll have time. Don't say you definitely don't, because then she'll just start looking for your complete itinerary. Say you can't see there being enough time to do all the stuff you need to, and so drinks will have to wait for another (totally unspecified) time. Be flaky. Be distant. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where confronting her will just make it worse.

LegacyUser

true-or-false wrote: »

It's easy with people like that to get caught in the trap of saying "yeah sure", just to get them off your back. Then they come back in a while acting like it was a promise. When she brings up stuff like that, any future plans or arrangements, just don't give in. Take an "I don't think I'll have time to be honest" stance and don't move from it. When she's on skype talking about meeting up, cut her short. Tell her that you don't think you'll have time. Don't say you definitely don't, because then she'll just start looking for your complete itinerary. Say you can't see there being enough time to do all the stuff you need to, and so drinks will have to wait for another (totally unspecified) time. Be flaky. Be distant. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where confronting her will just make it worse.

I DO do all that already!!! Honest to God, anyone witnessing our conversations would think she was pathetic. I told her I'd be busy with friends on this trip and I've had three texts and three Skype conversations with her about meeting up, even though every single time I say 'Well, I'm waiting to see what my friends are doing, so I don't know yet.' She just says 'OK, well let me know' and then asks again an hour later! Asking me what time I'm arriving, where I'm staying, what I'm doing for dinner. I just don't get how anyone could have so little self respect? If someone was like that with me, I wouldn't want to hang out with them! She says stuff like 'oh we haven't made dinner together yet, you said we would' without getting that I just don't want to! Ever! I can't really be anymore non-commital and distant without being a straight out b*tch.

Before she signed off Skype today, she said 'oh we have to meet up, even just for 5 minutes?' WHY??? We see each other every single day! This other city is 2 hours away! It's not as if we're both going to New York or something and haven't seen each other for years. I'm dreading this whole thing now. I'm going to spend the whole weekend avoiding her and thinking of excuses.

LegacyUser

why dont you jsut say no? :S instead of saying waiting to see what friends are doing, etc. you have good reasons, see her everyday, and not much time to catch up with friends. if she goes on about it the next week, so what? i fail to see the problem...

OS119

hi OP,i was going to give the same answer as true-or-false - to be noncommital and unreliable and hope she gets bored and finds another special friend victim - but if that doesn't work you need to look at a mix of confrontation and denial.

perhaps a good 'oh for crying out loud, will you not just leave me alone' might work - if she's burnt bridges with others, perhaps she may do it with you if you offend her enough, you could also change your mobile number, landline and email - if a good part of this problem is her ability to contact you at any time, denying her the ability to do this easily may reduce the problem to worktime only.

infact, i would suggest that the very fact that you do respond to her texts, calls and Skype - however 'flakily' - is the reason she doesn't get the message that you think you're giving out. you think you're saying 'don't eat me', but actually you're walking into the lion enclosure covered in blood and with a zebra steak hanging out of each pocket.

you must stop responding to her - ideally through denying her the ability to contact you easily so you don't get harresssed with unanswered calls and 50 text messages.

LegacyUser

user666 wrote: »

why dont you jsut say no? :S instead of saying waiting to see what friends are doing, etc. you have good reasons, see her everyday, and not much time to catch up with friends. if she goes on about it the next week, so what? i fail to see the problem...

I do say no. I did say no. That's not good enough for her. She wants to know why. She just keeps on and on and on until she hears an explanation that's good enough. It will do my head in to hear about it next week! I'm thinking it would be easier to just meet her towards the end of Sunday for a drink instead of listening to a week of 'why didn't you want to meet me?' and 'let's meet up this weekend'.

As for changing my email/phone number, well she'd only harrass me all day long at work to find out why. She obviously has my work email and sees me every day there so cutting her off just wouldn't work. I've started bringing in lunch some days and not going to the canteen so I don't have to see her. And she still doesn't get it!

Little Acorn

Well she probably thinks you are good friends, because you seem to find her ok enough to eat lunch with most days, and go for drinks with after work. Does that occur as a group thing, or just the two of you? If it's just the two of you then she could easily be under the false impression that ye are quite close friends because you haven't told her otherwise.
Her behavior regarding this trip away situation does sound very annoying. She doesn't seem to be reading your signals, so I'm afraid you are just going to have to be very blunt and upfront. Tell her you haven't seen your old friends in ages and have made plans to spend your time with them. There's no point in keeping fobbing her off, because it probably wont work.
To be honest, I think she sounds abit lonely. Why has she lost alot of her old friends?
There's also the possibility that she does sense you don't want to meet her on the trip, but is so desperate for your friendship that she can't help but keep contacting you about it.
Maybe she is not particularly close to/comfortable around the friends of her own that she is meeting, and would like you there to put her more at ease?

Anyhow, bottom line is if you don't want to meet up with her you will have to tell her straight. You don't have to make up any excuses or lies, just tell her. If she is a friend she should understand that you just want to spend some time friends you haven't seen in a long time.
I would suggest though that if you don't want to be friends with this girl, then maybe try to stop spending so much time with her at lunch and after work.
It'll just make her think that ye are good friends which is a little unfair to her.

Good Luck in getting it sorted.

cafecolour

Bizarre - are you sure she doesn't have some sort of crush on you?

I'd just say "I'll see you when I get back - I have a bunch of friends there who I haven't seen in ages that I want to catch up with, I can just see you when I get back."

shinikins

Unregistered wrote: »

I DO do all that already!!! Honest to God, anyone witnessing our conversations would think she was pathetic. I told her I'd be busy with friends on this trip and I've had three texts and three Skype conversations with her about meeting up, even though every single time I say 'Well, I'm waiting to see what my friends are doing, so I don't know yet.' She just says 'OK, well let me know' and then asks again an hour later! Asking me what time I'm arriving, where I'm staying, what I'm doing for dinner. I just don't get how anyone could have so little self respect? If someone was like that with me, I wouldn't want to hang out with them! She says stuff like 'oh we haven't made dinner together yet, you said we would' without getting that I just don't want to! Ever! I can't really be anymore non-commital and distant without being a straight out b*tch.

There's your answer OP, she is being like that with you, so just stop hanging out with her. You don't have to be a bitch about it, just tell her you have a lot on your plate right now, and don't have the time to devote to her. Or simply tell her that she's suffocating you-there is no need to suffer on in silence to protect her feelings-you'll only end up miserable because of it. She probably doesn't even realise how her actions are affecting you.

As for the weekend, tell her your spending all your time with your friends and won't be able to meet her. If she starts whining or ressurising you, tell her!! Being blunt and honest doesn't always equal being a bitch!

IrishEyes19

OP, are you male or female? Just wondering as another poster suggested, is it possible she fancies you?

beks101

Just be honest but firm with her and bring the subject to a definitive close - 'listen, I'm there for 24 hours and have so many commitments that I'm definitely not going to have time to meet up. Not a chance. Have a good time though, talk to you next week.'

If she keeps on nagging after this, ignore her - ignore her texts and calls, log off skype when she's on, you've been straight with her and if she doesn't respect your decision, that's her problem to deal with. By continuously answering her you're just enabling her clingy, annoying behaviour.

It sounds to me like she's highly insecure, probably partly resulting from the friendships that she's lost, as you mentioned in your post, and she's afraid she's going to lose you too so in her own skewed way, is trying to hang onto the friendship for dear life.

However you're not her mother, and you're going to have to decide whether or not it's worth confronting her about her behaviour to try to salvage what you can of the friendship without continuously compromising yourself for her. If not, you're going to have to start distancing yourself from her - which means NOT meeting her for lunch every day and not being there at her beck and call. It's just leading her on and reinforcing her idea that you're a good friend, when the fact is that you can't stand her.