Who to ask to be legal guardian?

LegacyUser

I don't really feel this is a parenting issue, but mods feel free to move it there if you think it is - however, I think I'd get more replies here as there seems to be more traffic in PI>

I am the mother of a 4yr old girl who's dad left when I was pregnant and who doesn't see her. My parents are both dead and I only have one brother. I have raised this little one practically alone and while it was very, very difficult in those first years, now she's a treasure.

I need to appoint a legal guardian for her should anything happen to me, and I don't know who to approach about this. This issue has kept me awake some nights, terrified that somethig might happen to me during the night and she would be taken into care or somthing, so I need to sort it. Even writing this has me in tears - I am finding it very hard to deal with the fact that something awful could happen to her if I'm not around.

I have some wonderful friends (,my brother is not an option), but none of them would be what I'd want for her ( i hope that doesn't make me sound horrible). My very best friend is 40 and single and never wanted kids - she's not a bit maternal and has no interst in children at all (she's very honest about this). Another good friend has the most horrible 7yr old girl who I swear I will shout very loudly at very soon she's so bold. I really don't want my daughter growing up around her. Also, her husband is a bit of an a&s so I don't want to ask her. Another good friend has grown teenagers and is early 50's - she would take my daughter in the blink of an eye but I coudln't possibly burden her with this at her age - her own children are reared and it would be a big ask.

I'm just wondering what others do in my situation?
I know that I'm a bit different in that I don't have aunts or uncles etc who could take her - but I really, really have to sort this soon. I've recently gotten alopecia and I know it's as a direct result of this issue, as I am literally (well, not literally!) pulling my hair out when I think of this. Thank you for reading.

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

I
My very best friend is 40 and single and never wanted kids - she's not a bit maternal and has no interst in children at all

I'm not at all maternal either and would probably never have had a child if it hadn't been an accident. So ask her anyway.
I mean, in the unlikely event that anything happens to you in the next 16 years or so, she maybe more than willing to do this for you.
How is her relationship with your daughter right now? Do they get on well enough?

Another good friend has grown teenagers and is early 50's - she would take my daughter in the blink of an eye but I coudln't possibly burden her with this at her age - her own children are reared and it would be a big ask.

Are you very sure of that fact or are you just imagining?
She maybe happy for the comfort and responsibility of it.

You won't know unless you ask. They both have the option of refusing and you should make that very clear to them on the off set.

At one point, my sister was in the exact same situation as yourself. A single mother with a child. She had a good friend who was more than happy to do it for her.
My sister is now married and it's no longer an issue for her.
You cannot predict the future, your life could turn another corner at any moment. So just ask them and relax.
Stressing yourself out to the point of damaging your health isn't helping!

seamus

My gut feeling is that you should pick someone who you feel would raise the child in a similar manner to you. Or outside of that someone who you know loves and respects you enough to cherish your child almost as much as you do, if they had the task of taking on this massive responsibility.

As Ber says, what's your best friend's relationship like now with your child? If you had to spend a month in hospital, would you hand your child to this woman without blinking, and would she happily accept? Or do you think she would dread the prospect of minding a child for a month?

Early 50's isn't that old to be raising children and realistically unless something happens to you in the next few years, then once the child is a teenager all they really need is a solid home and sound guidance rather than 24/7 care. Someone in their late 50's/early 60's can provide both adequately.

LegacyUser

thank you for the replies.

My friend is a great friend to me - we speak every day, see each other regularly. However, she never seems that interested in my daughter - not in a bad way, she just doesn't 'do' children. She has nephews and nieces she rarely sees for that same reason. She is quite generous and will always give the best of xmas and birthday presents etc - but aside from that, she takes very little interest in my little girl.

The lady in her 50s would be the person who would love my daughter most I imagine - she's 54 now and lets say something happended to me in 6yrs, she's be 60 and be expected to look after a ten year old? I don't know...she often speaks of how great her life is now her own kids are reared and the freedom herself and her husband have...I'm kind of reluctant to ask her.

But maybe I'll broach the subject with her and gauge her reaction.

does anyone know what would happen to my child if something were to happen to me in the morning? would she go into care?

seamus

unregistered wrote: »

does anyone know what would happen to my child if something were to happen to me in the morning? would she go into care?

Afaik, the child goes to your closest living relative - spouse, then parent, then sibling.

It's a matter of agreement more than anything else - if nobody agrees to look after the child, then social services will take her into care.

"Care" isn't the horrific thing it's made out to be. Most likely social services would allow a close friend to take care of the child until official arrangements are made, whether that means the friend legally adopts the child or someone else takes the child. They generally try to keep children within the family, and/or with someone the child knows.

You are being very prudent though in thinking about having a friend become a guardian in your case as it avoids any legal battles or heartbreak in the event that the worst happens. It also puts your mind at ease that the child will always been loved and cared for.
Ensure that you go through with the legal declarations and not just a verbal agreement. In order to affirm your decision, you must make a will appointing your chosen person as legal guardian in the event of your death.

LegacyUser

Actually, that's why I'm asking the questions now - I'm trying to make my will which im finding incredibly difficult. A close friend of mine died recently, she was younger than me, and it really made me think. I have my own home and some savings and life insurance and I going to make the will and obviously leave them all to her. But in the event that something happens to me before she's an adult, I have to make provision.

I know that if I just do this, my mind will be at ease and Id almost bet my patch of alopecia will grow back. I have woken many nights at 3am in a sweat, having had a nightmare that something happened to me and there was no one to look after her - I can't go on living like this.

ted1

do you mind me asking why not your brother? Being a blood relation he will have more of a natural bond than Any of the others.

kerryman12

Hi OP

Reading your post has made me sit back and think about this sort of stuff also, we should really think about doint this also.

I have woken many nights at 3am in a sweat, having had a nightmare that something happened to me and there was no one to look after her - I can't go on living like this

You are right, you cant go on living like this - if you are feeling that much stress you are just as likely to make yourself ill from it, as opposed to anything else.
It is most likely that you are worry about something that will never happen, but of course you are 100% right to make sure you daughter is always protected. As per the posts above you will need to sit down with these people and talk to them in depth about this one before you complete the will.

My friend is a great friend to me - we speak every day, see each other regularly. However, she never seems that interested in my daughter - not in a bad way, she just doesn't 'do' children. She has nephews and nieces she rarely sees for that same reason. She is quite generous and will always give the best of xmas and birthday presents etc - but aside from that, she takes very little interest in my little girl.

If you do decide to talk to this person about guardianship, its quite possible that her initial reaction would be to say no. This would be probably a massive thing for her. She might well need a a few days to get her head around it. If she is still reluctant at that stage you of course have to respect that, but dont take it personnaly. You clearly think very highly of this person, so you can take it from that she would be a good guardian if interested.

The lady in her 50s would be the person who would love my daughter most I imagine - she's 54 now and lets say something happended to me in 6yrs, she's be 60 and be expected to look after a ten year old? I don't know...she often speaks of how great her life is now her own kids are reared and the freedom herself and her husband have...I'm kind of reluctant to ask her.

One of my mothers favourate phrase about kids is that you can never give a kid enough love. This, I would think has to be a strong indicator for you. I know this lady is a bit older but, its not like she will be going back to 5 o'clock feeds, bottles & nappies. At four most of that is behing you. Yes there are plenty of challenges and hardwork to come but alot of the hardwork is done.

In the end you wont know until you ask, either person could react in unexpected ways so be prepared for that. Whatever you decide they sound like two good solid options to me.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

My brother is a 47yr old alcoholic who smokes has and lives in a bedsit...he hardly knows my daughter, we were never close.

Even writing this down here has definitely helped me shift this whole idea in the right direction - I'm going to talk to my friend - the older lady - on monday. I'll bring it up in the context that I have to look for a guardian for her without asking her directly. I should be able to figure out her reaction in a more general conversation, without putting her on the spot to start with anyway.

LegacyUser

Going unreged for this ,

Just to say to you , i am a father / lone parent of 51 years old to my wonderful 7year old son.
There is nobody in the world id say who could treasure and love him more than i do ... i do not mean that
in a hurtful way , forgive me to those of you who feel that as an insult , its not meant in that way !!
Its just he is MY WORLD , such a wonderful little boy . His mother drinks and i too worry deeply what if
anything should happen to me , he would end up with her , i would gladly give my life
in a heartbeat for my son he is all any parent could ever want from such a great great kid , hes an inspiration to me .

So to answer some of your question ..... i wouldnt say no to asking your friend of 50 years old , as stated earlie
" its not like she will be going back to 5 o'clock feeds, bottles & nappies "

Its a terrible worry to have ..... very hard to put feelings like that into words but i wanted to wish you all the very best in
what you decide to do and my heart and thoughts go out to you !!

Very very best of luck !!!

Follow your heart .

LegacyUser

Thank you.

My post above should have read 'smokes hash' of course (typo, sorry).

I'm meeting my friend for lunch tomorrow and definitely bringing the subject up, and will take it from there.

ted1

glad this forum has helped clarify things for you.

miec

Hi Op

I can very much relate to what you are saying, when I left my ex-husband (12 years ago, almost 13 years now that I think of it) I knew his lifestyle, behaviour was dangerous for our son, besides he does not see him / support him. I made a will that my sister would have my son, and if the event of her death, then my parents, well *** me, I didn't not expect events to turn out how they did, my sister did die (suicide) and my parents are not suitable to raise my son (I was in denial when I made that will) if anything happened to me. I was in a relationship where we had planned to marry but that didn't work out so I am back to the drawing board, who do I ask to care for my son if something happens to me, like you I have cried about it too. My only comfort is that he is older (13) so maybe if I can manage the next 5 years he will be okay, but it is a worry. I have to make a new will but have no idea whom I could ask for guardianship and as I said no member of my family is suitable as I am pressing charges against a half brother for sexual abuse and they are standing behind him, deeming me to be a liar and nut job so that is a no go. I can only empathise but I would suggest you talk to your older friend, if you think she is trustworthy, she is at least worth talking to. Also do bear in mind what Beruthial says, life changes very much, also find a balance between taking care of the future and living life as it is, we do need to prepare but keep in mind nothing might ever happen to you.

CDfm

OP - I think you are thinking a bit deep here, probably too deeply.

You are projecting that something might happen you and while something could happen you or any of us - it is the same likelyhood that it could happen anyone else.

Nobody loves kids like their own kids or takes care if them like their own parents do.

I am a divorced guy and my ex would probably think like you do.

Kids grow up in all kinds of circumstances and sort out -if they are fed and watered. Kids are resiliant and adaptable. Most people are good too.

Even if the worst happened there is great help out there.The likeliehood of getting knocked down by a bus is tiny or developing a terminal illness causing this type of decision to be urgent is very very small.

My advice is simple -you need to build up your resourses and talk to someone, your GP is the obvious port of call as you are suffering from a stress related illness or on specifics Bernardo's or One Parent Family - two support groups for people like you.

http://www.barnardos.ie/information-centre.html/#277

http://onefamily.ie/our-services-for-families

I think you are worrying needlessly and catastrophising & you need support and that things are not nearly as bleak or urgent as you are painting them.

At the very least you should go to your GP or social worker and discuss your alopecia and look after your own general health and deal with the here and now.

LegacyUser

i have been to my gp about my alopecia - it's stress related.

I think you are being very naive here - yes i understand that the chance of getting run over by a bus are slim, but what about that woman who was killed last week by the falling tree = how random was that? That could have been any one of us.

None of us knows whats around the corner and I know if I make provision for her now, It will relax me no end. I'm doing really well - i bought my own home three yrs ago, work f/t etc. I had been in contact with the lone parent support groups when she was tiny, and if I'm being very honest, I find they are great if you are a certain type of lone parent. Please don't slate me for this, but they were great with the girls who were on social welfare, living with their parents, looking for rent allowance etc. I have always been self sufficient and have never looked to the state to support me, what I needed back then was emotional support and I didn't find them great for that. I'm sure they're great at what they do, but I didn't find them great for my own situation.

I have also rang Treoir when she was younger - once I mentioned I was working f/t, I found there was very little support to be offered.
Anyway, I'm doing fine now - things are going really really well...I just need to sort this out so I can sleep well at nights.

CDfm

Probably OP, but, it is easy to put yourself last (bad choice of words I know) in all of this.

Your first priority right now is to look after your own health & happiness..

The months of January & February are bleak for lots of people and the long nights etc can make you isolated.

But, you need to talk this out with someone. You can't really will a child to someone and they may not be able to take them either.

I am not saying your fears are groundless ,just that they have become big & magnified because you are on your own.

Take care of yourself and try to sleep better and enjoy life.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Probably OP, but, it is easy to put yourself last (bad choice of words I know) in all of this.

Your first priority right now is to look after your own health & happiness..

The months of January & February are bleak for lots of people and the long nights etc can make you isolated.

But, you need to talk this out with someone. You can't really will a child to someone and they may not be able to take them either.

I am not saying your fears are groundless ,just that they have become big & magnified because you are on your own.

Take care of yourself and try to sleep better and enjoy life.

I'm not just 'willing' my child to someone.

I already said that this lady is a dear friend who would love and cherish my daughter the way I would like her to be loved and cherished - I've said I'm going to bring up the subject with her today and if she is open to it, we will talk for a very long time about what could happen.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here? Do you suggest I do nothing and just hope that someone somewhere just takes-on my child should something happen to me??

CDfm

I just think OP that it is a very negative outlook that you have on life - its not like you are physically ill or anything just now.

I would hate to think that your daughter would be aware of your fears and that they would in any way make her feel nervous or insecure.

From what you have posted -these fears seem to be without foundation. Good job, nice house, generally healthy are all great things and then there is your fears.

I am not doubting that they are real , but, they seem to be a bit out of proportion and thats the bit that would worry me.

Have you considered what you would say if your friend voiced that opinion ?

LegacyUser

I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic.

When you are the sole carer for a child, you have to think of the 'what ifs'.

There is literally no one that would automatically take my child in the morning, even if I was to go into hospital. I would have to make arrangments for her to be dropped somewhere, for school etc. i don't have the sister/mother or granny who cares for my child also. I have no one. It's just me. Even if I had an accident in the morning, there is no one with a spare key to get in...

so I'm not being negative, im being practical.

Can u imagine if something were to happen to me in the morning and the reaction from all & sundry when they realised I had not made any plans for my child???? How irresponsible that would be of me....when you have (in your case, your wife) a second adult who cares equally for your child, you don't have to think about things like this. But I don't have that second adult. There is nobody who cares equally about my child - nobody knows about her 'ways', how she sings when she's in the bath, how she insists the lights go out at bedtime if I'm upstairs with her, but insists there are 20 lights left on if Im downstairs. There is no one else who knows any of this. Not a granny, not an aunt, not a dad...no one!
Calling me negative because im trying to prepare for something is not right.

metrovelvet

I hear you OP.

In fairess cdfm, it is the responsible thing to do and I havent done this yet either. Its something I have to face and get done. You also have to think about life insurance for the person who would raise your child and funds for the childs education. It is a big and important deal and lot of us, myself, stick our heads in the sand about it.

My son has his address memorised and now we are working on how to use the phone in case of an emergency.

CDfm

unregistered wrote: »

I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic.

When you are the sole carer for a child, you have to think of the 'what ifs'.

I have no one. It's just me. Even if I had an accident in the morning, there is no one with a spare key to get in...

so I'm not being negative, im being practical.

Practical issues yes , for , an emergency but it is a bit fatalistic to say you will die anytime soon . Just my opinion.

Can u imagine if something were to happen to me in the morning and the reaction from all & sundry when they realised I had not made any plans for my child???? How irresponsible that would be of me....when you have (in your case, your wife)

I am a divorced dad btw.

Calling me negative because im trying to prepare for something is not right.

Children do grow up,she will not always be the age she is now, and I am suggesting that if you have fears on those scores , that before you do anything that perhaps you talk to a social worker or someone like that.

For example, do you know how much the fostering service pay a foster carer per week, etc.

You need to put some preperation in before you ask.

Of course, you may also consider the fathers rights, if he were to arrive on the scene.

So you need to consider all available resourses.

solerina

Hi, I also think you should ask your friend in her 50s, I know of a 15 year old girl whose mother was killed in a car accident 6 years ago, her father qucikly found a new partner and basically had no great interest in his daughter, a next door neighbour has stepped into the breach, she is in her early 60s and her own family are reared (youngest is mid 20s). The teenager is happy, well adjusted and very well cared for...her new mother is everything she needs....Dont worry about your friends age, just ask her !!!

thefeatheredcat

I can see where you're coming from OP and CDFM

OP - you're right to make the preparations now, as this is both responsible and practical steps to deal with now, but also to review in the future. You need to think of all options and Cdfm has added a few things that in a discussion with my sister about this very same topic last year, neither of us had thought of. Cdfm is right too in that this shouldn't be such a stress that it's causing you ill health, even though it's a practicality in responsibility to your child.

CDfm - to give you a bit of perspective - being a lone parent tends to actually be parenting alone in that you are the sole carer and only person in charge with a responsibility and certain decisions. Having discussed this issue at length with my sister, who is a lone parent in that there is no other adult that would automatically have any rights to the kids it has flagged concerns for her too, not because she's a lone parent but because it's her sole duty to ensure that the well-being of her children is taken into consideration should the occasion arise. She's the only one that has to take on this decision and it's difficult because there's no comfort in knowing that should something happen to her, there is automatically someone there to look after the children other than well-meaning although ageing parents and younger siblings who may have good intentions but not necessary the abilities/capabilities to look after the children.

What is clear to me OP is that you do need to share the stress and talk it out with your friends and certainly start asking those you are seriously considering, and that you can look into other options that you haven't previously considered, especially a bit further down the road through the years.

CDfm

I appreciate what you are saying OP & the Feathered Cat.

My concern is that the OP is a bit overwhelmed and is not enjoying what she has actually achieved.

By all means make continguency plans but do not let the fear of a catastrophy take over your life.

LegacyUser

OP here.

First thing I will say is do not bring the fathers rights into this issue. I've seen how those threads go, and if you want to discuss father's rights, I'd appreciate if you did it somewhere else. he left when I was pregnant, I get court ordered maintenance and has made it perfectly clear that he has not now, nor never will have, any interest in her.

I'm still really unclear what you're getting at cdfm. If this becomes one of those threads, I'll kindly ask a mod to lock it.

Why on earth would I talk to a social worker about foster care? You don't seriously think my first option would be to allow complete strangers to raise her, when I have some very close and dear friends, who actually know her?

I don't know why you continue to say that I'm not doing the right thing here. And the fact that you're divorced is irrelevant - if something were to happen to you tomorow, the mother of your child would step in. Not the situation in my case at all.

To update, I spoke to my friend yesterday and her immediate reaction when I even broached the subject was of course she'd raise my daughter...it was her instinct which is great as opposed to me having to actually ask the question.

So we're meeting up at the weekend to go into the finer details. I have to say I slept well last night :-)

ladygirl

Im really delighted for you OP.. I know its something that may never arise into an issue - however it is much better to be safe than sorry.
Best of luck to you xxx

kerryman12

Thats great news OP, you must be so relieved.

CDfm

unregistered wrote: »

I'm still really unclear what you're getting at cdfm. If this becomes one of those threads, I'll kindly ask a mod to lock it.

I wasn't getting at anything other than what I said. I don't get fathers not wanting anything to do with their kids and admire what you have achieved. I know fathers "abandon" kids , I don't understand their mentality. I have more in common with you than them. We are both caring parents.

I think you are great -just a bit stressed out thats all.

Why on earth would I talk to a social worker about foster care? You don't seriously think my first option would be to allow complete strangers to raise her, when I have some very close and dear friends, who actually know her

?

The reason I mentioned it was that I feel that there are legal and benefit (financial) issues to take into account.

You are discussing appointing a Guardian ad litem should anything happen to you.

And, of course, you need to know how to do that properly & legally.

So in doing so you need to get legal or professional advice on it & you can get this from the likes of the citizens advice centres and some have lawyers available on some evenings.

When you do appoint someone, you also need to know that your wishes will be respected.

Of course, carers are entitled to an allowance , currently 312 per week for children under 12. Kids are expensive.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/adoption_and_fostering/fostering.html

You sound like an intelligent person to me and I am sure you wouldnt want your friend financially burdened either.

I do think you are very capable and was sad for you that you were afraid for the future.

I didn't mean that you needed a social worker in any perjorative way, just to see what financial and other resourses are available should anything happen.to you.

I hope you live a long and happy life and you deserve too.

LegacyUser

Ok, well I misunderstood you. Are you saying that I should arrange for my child to be fostered by my friend??? I didn't realise you could nominate a foster parent in this instance.

LegacyUser

OP again.

I just wanted to say that I had a very very long evening yesterday with my friend (the older lady - who acts about 20!) and she has 100% committed to doing this for me...

I honestly feel like I've lost about 4 stone.

It feels like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I can't explain it. It is such an amazing feeling. We spoke for hours about my wishes for my daughter (yes, there were tears!) , which are really that she is loved and gets a good education.

I'm now meeting with a solicitor next week to discuss the legal side of things - write my will and also write a wish-list for my daughter.

I would encourage any of you who are in a similar situation to me to just take the bull by the horns and do this...It's not something I feel very happy about discussing of course, and of course I will live until I'm 90, but the peace of mind I've gotten overnight is just incredible.

Thanks to you all who replied to my thread.

metrovelvet

Im just wondering. Did you discuss money? Are you setting up life insurance? Id be interested to hear what policies etc you have looked into.

LegacyUser

I already have a life insurance policy for 200,000 which I took out a good few years ago. I also have my own home, which is covered my mortgage insurance so there will be no mortgage on it if Im not around (god I feel dreadful even saying all this!!).

So technically, there will be a house (that obviously won't be sold in this economy) plus life insurance.

My very rough thoughts at this time are that I set aside a figure that she inherits when she becomes an adult and the rest becomes a monthly income for my friend to support her while she's still a child. I want to her to experience holidays every summer and to be happy every year when Santa arrives etc :-). I also have someone to act as an executor for the will and think I would arrange that the house is rented (this would also provide an income) for the forseeable future - perhaps she'd even inherit the house in time, who knows.

I have to speak to my solicitor next week so am hoping he can guide me in the more specific details and what would be the 'norm' with regards to inheritance taxes (and how to avoid) etc etc.

We had a long, long chat...I'm very happy that my friend will do the very best for her...

CDfm

unregistered wrote: »

Ok, well I misunderstood you. Are you saying that I should arrange for my child to be fostered by my friend??? I didn't realise you could nominate a foster parent in this instance.

Thats alright, I dont post to make unhelpful points , but you were obviously worried and I was trying to help you scope the issues or questions to be asked not just tell you things you wanted to hear.

My understanding is that it can be done depending on circumstances and particularily if the closest relatives are not suitable.

That is why I am saying look the stuff up.

I have friends who fostered a teenage relative and who still lives with them and they recieved payments.

http://www.fosteringfirstireland.ie/fostering-information/what-is-fostering

In your situation you need some sort of plan, not just for you and your child but for your friend. You are looking for peace of mind here and if ,for example, you need to take out extra life insurance , you do need to know how much you need to budget for.

You sound an awful lot happier

kerryman12

Thats great news OP