Breaking up around valentines day...

steve9859

I was going to start a new thread on this, but not sure whether men starting threads in the Ladies Forum is welcomed!!

I have a question for you ladies, as I am in a bit of quandry about this whole Valentines day thing!

I have been seeing my girlfriend for getting on for 8 months now, and it is great. I have a good time. But of late I know she is a lot more into it than I am. It has become clear in the last week or two that I am probably going to have to move to London in the next couple of months (blame Bertie and Brian for that one!), and though I will be in Dublin at the weekends, I dont feel strongly enough to carry on this relationship on that basis, and just lead her on. That would be more painful in the long run.

So I am looking for an opportune moment to finish it in the next 3 or 4 weeks. My question is this?

Should I finish it before Valentines day, or afterwards.

1: Before: If she has been looking forward and preparing for valentines day and I finish it a couple of days before I am going to get "what is the matter with you, you heartless b***ard, doing this at Valentines!".

2: Afterwards: If I leave it till a couple of weeks afterwards, I will get "what the hell was that Valentines day cr*p all about, you b***ard!"

Break ups are always hard on one partner, I know, but I am trying to do the least painful thing for her. I will deal with either, but I dont want to leave her in pieces

If it were you in her position, which would you rather?

krudler

steve9859 wrote: »

I was going to start a new thread on this, but not sure whether men starting threads in the Ladies Forum is welcomed!!

I have a question for you ladies, as I am in a bit of quandry about this whole Valentines day thing!

I have been seeing my girlfriend for getting on for 8 months now, and it is great. I have a good time. But of late I know she is a lot more into it than I am. It has become clear in the last week or two that I am probably going to have to move to London in the next couple of months (blame Bertie and Brian for that one!), and though I will be in Dublin at the weekends, I dont feel strongly enough to carry on this relationship on that basis, and just lead her on. That would be more painful in the long run.

So I am looking for an opportune moment to finish it in the next 3 or 4 weeks. My question is this?

Should I finish it before Valentines day, or afterwards.

1: Before: If she has been looking forward and preparing for valentines day and I finish it a couple of days before I am going to get "what is the matter with you, you heartless b***ard, doing this at Valentines!".

2: Afterwards: If I leave it till a couple of weeks afterwards, I will get "what the hell was that Valentines day cr*p all about, you b***ard!"

Break ups are always hard on one partner, I know, but I am trying to do the least painful thing for her. I will deal with either, but I dont want to leave her in pieces

If it were you in her position, which would you rather?

Ooooh, tough one, its the one position no guy wants to find themselves in , to be frank you're gonna seem like a bastard to her no matter what, do it before and Fake Love Day is ruined, do it after and you're a lying prick for buying whatever it was you'll get it for V day.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

If you read the charter you'll see The Ladies Lounge isn't an advice forum to canvass for female opinion so I've moved your post to the advice forum.

All the best. :cool:

Malari

steve9859 wrote: »

I was going to start a new thread on this, but not sure whether men starting threads in the Ladies Forum is welcomed!!

I have a question for you ladies, as I am in a bit of quandry about this whole Valentines day thing!

I have been seeing my girlfriend for getting on for 8 months now, and it is great. I have a good time. But of late I know she is a lot more into it than I am. It has become clear in the last week or two that I am probably going to have to move to London in the next couple of months (blame Bertie and Brian for that one!), and though I will be in Dublin at the weekends, I dont feel strongly enough to carry on this relationship on that basis, and just lead her on. That would be more painful in the long run.

So I am looking for an opportune moment to finish it in the next 3 or 4 weeks. My question is this?

Should I finish it before Valentines day, or afterwards.

1: Before: If she has been looking forward and preparing for valentines day and I finish it a couple of days before I am going to get "what is the matter with you, you heartless b***ard, doing this at Valentines!".

2: Afterwards: If I leave it till a couple of weeks afterwards, I will get "what the hell was that Valentines day cr*p all about, you b***ard!"

Break ups are always hard on one partner, I know, but I am trying to do the least painful thing for her. I will deal with either, but I dont want to leave her in pieces

If it were you in her position, which would you rather?

First of all, I'm not a celebrater of Val's day, so my take on it might be different to your girlfriend's. We've taken to cooking a nice steak and chips at home in the last few years - no pressies or cards.

If you know this is what you want, do it NOW. I know I would feel pretty awful wondering whether any valentine's stuff was genuine or not. It would be confusing if you gave her card, gift, meal or whatever then broke up with her. It would make me question if the previous declaration of affection was genuine. When did it stop being so? It would be very strange logic for her to think you are doing this before Valentine's day just to avoid giving gifts, so I think before is much better.

LegacyUser

hmmm ur kind of in a quandry with this one.....I'd tend to go with as soon as possible....it would be pretty heartless to spend a lovely valentines day, all romantic, and then to find out after that he was faking it....or even worse, she'll probably guess something is up and start wondering what she's done wrong/why are u acting strangely and blame herself and have that weighing on her for the next few days.

either way you're not gonna come out a winner in this one I'd say.

steve9859

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

OP,

If you read the charter you'll see The Ladies Lounge isn't an advice forum to canvass for female opinion so I've moved your post to the advice forum.

All the best. :cool:

Thanks!

Kiera

Do you know for sure that she’s into the whole Valentines day crap? I don’t know many girls who go for all that tbh but then again I’m over 30 so did all that in my teens.

There’s never an easy time to break up with someone but you should do it sooner rather than later. After Valentines there will be something else like a birthday or family event…… Don’t lead her on any longer and do it ASAP.

albeit

If you dont want to break her heart just before valentines can you not just prepare her a little, like starting talking about how you do not believe in long distance relationships and saying you will probably have to break up before you go- but that you want to enjoy the rest of the time until then and meanwhile feel more into what decision you will have to take. She might decide she doesnt want to spend valentines with you after that, but then at least you can avoid both the options you suggested that you have in this situation.

AnonoBoy

If you know you want to break up then do it now.

There's no good time. Definitely don't hold in on the basis that she would be shattered if she had to go through Feb 14th as a single woman - I'm sure she won't be unless she's extremely shallow.

She definitely won't thank you for holding on just so she can have a dozen roses that don't mean anything.

steve9859

albeit wrote: »

If you dont want to break her heart just before valentines can you not just prepare her a little, like starting talking about how you do not believe in long distance relationships and saying you will probably have to break up before you go- but that you want to enjoy the rest of the time until then and meanwhile feel more into what decision you will have to take. She might decide she doesnt want to spend valentines with you after that, but then at least you can avoid both the options you suggested that you have in this situation.

Good plan. It feels wrong somehow in that I'm taking the easy way out in leaving it up to her. But at the same time I think it seems sensible

Chinafoot

steve9859 wrote: »

So I am looking for an opportune moment to finish it in the next 3 or 4 weeks. My question is this?

Should I finish it before Valentines day, or afterwards.

....

If it were you in her position, which would you rather?

Personally I would prefer if it was done straight away. You don't want to be with her anymore and dragging it out over the next 3 or 4 weeks is not being kind to her. Finish it now, today.

If Valentine's Day is your only worry here then you should of course do it before. Why would you insincerely go through the motions of a day for couples (*gag*) with someone you no longer want to be with?

Dragging this is out will hurt her more. End it as soon as you can.

Edit:

Good plan. It feels wrong somehow in that I'm taking the easy way out in leaving it up to her. But at the same time I think it seems sensible

If you are going to go down this road, be completely honest with her about your intentions. Dropping hints is not the same as telling her out straight "When I move I don't want to continue this relationship." Do not give her false hope and do not use her to get your end away for the few weeks before you leave. You said yourself she is more into the relationship than you are. In trying to spare her feelings you're actually being quite selfish.

albeit

steve9859 wrote: »

Good plan. It feels wrong somehow in that I'm taking the easy way out in leaving it up to her. But at the same time I think it seems sensible

If it feels wrong don't do it. Try to do whatever you feel is right. There is really no wrong or right here. It seems like you are afraid of her reaction. She will react whatever you do. You have to listen to your feelings more, and not think about the consequences to much. Whatever seems sensible in this situation may not be whats best. You shouldnt have to pretend because you are afraid of her reaction. That is for her to deal with as she is a grownup. Just be honest, that is all she can ask of you. However, you may be unsure as you say "it's great". Your problem seems to be more that she is too into you, and you'd like her to be more 'hard to get'. Sometimes it is easy to forget how much you like someone if you feel that they are too much all over you, and there is no space left for yourself. Just tell her then how you feel about that, that you have a need for more spece for yourself, but that you still like her very much. Don't use the moving to London as an excuse, as it seems far-fetched since you are going to be back every weekend. It just seems like an excuse, really.

dub_3

albeit wrote: »

If you dont want to break her heart just before valentines can you not just prepare her a little, like starting talking about how you do not believe in long distance relationships and saying you will probably have to break up before you go- but that you want to enjoy the rest of the time until then and meanwhile feel more into what decision you will have to take. She might decide she doesnt want to spend valentines with you after that, but then at least you can avoid both the options you suggested that you have in this situation.

Tell her that you've realised that you will have to move and that it will be sooner rather than later. And tell her that you don't think a long distance relationship would work. "it would be fair to either of us" etc...

Now you've made it clear that the writing is on the wall,
then maybe valentines can be a last hurrah,
a celebration of what you had together.

She'll either celebrate valentines knowing it'll be the only one for the pair of you (and you break up when you leave), or she won't and the break up will be effectively done (unless you roll back on plans to move away, or compromise on a long distance relationship)

dub_3

steve9859 wrote: »

It has become clear in the last week or two that I am probably going to have to move to London in the next couple of months (blame Bertie and Brian for that one!)

The other option is to erase that clarity from your mind, and for it to only become clear to you in March. That way you can carry on as normal till then.

However I still think albeit's suggestion is the way to go, particularly as you admit to being a lot less into it than she is. Sooner rather than later is best, but it's a sh1t thing to have do do around Valentines (especially if she happens to be planning something for the day)

Chinafoot

dub_3 wrote: »

The other option is to erase that clarity from your mind, and for it to only become clear to you in March. That way you can carry on as normal till then.

Please don't do this. Thats completely unfair to the poor girl.

IrishEyes19

I completely disagree with some people here...a number of years ago my ex ended it a week before valentines, at the time I was terribly upset and took a while to get over. But looking back on it, if he had gone through valentines like nothing was wrong and ended it afterards, Id have spent much longer wondering why his feelings changed so suddenly and if something had happened during it to cause that. You are best ending it now and not causing to wonder where it went all wrong. As she will most likely ask you how long you've been feeling this for, you cant go and say, for a good while, as she'll be annoyed wondering why you bothered to celebrate Valentines with her.

Miss Fluff

If you do not want to be with her anymore/don't see a future with her then rip the bandage off. If you hold off until after Valentines what does that make you? It makes you a liar and it makes you deceitful? If you give her flowers/celebrate the day with grand romantic gestures and then dump her ass a week or two later she is going to spend a long time scratching her head and wondering how you could possibly have done such a sudden U-turn.

Tell her the truth. Tell her you'll be moving away and that while it was great, you don't want any ties here and that you don't see a future in it. That's far kinder and sympathetic to the girl than waiting until after poxy Valentines.....

dearg lady

albeit wrote: »

If you dont want to break her heart just before valentines can you not just prepare her a little, like starting talking about how you do not believe in long distance relationships and saying you will probably have to break up before you go- but that you want to enjoy the rest of the time until then and meanwhile feel more into what decision you will have to take. She might decide she doesnt want to spend valentines with you after that, but then at least you can avoid both the options you suggested that you have in this situation.

I wouldn't go for this at all, it doesn't seem fair. If you're not committed to it, just finish it, don't string her along, and don't force her into making the decision.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If you do not want to be with her anymore/don't see a future with her then rip the bandage off. If you hold off until after Valentines what does that make you? It makes you a liar and it makes you deceitful? If you give her flowers/celebrate the day with grand romantic gestures and then dump her ass a week or two later she is going to spend a long time scratching her head and wondering how you could possibly have done such a sudden U-turn.

Tell her the truth. Tell her you'll be moving away and that while it was great, you don't want any ties here and that you don't see a future in it. That's far kinder and sympathetic to the girl than waiting until after poxy Valentines.....

+1
as always, Miss Fluff, good advice

Wompa1

Dump her now. If she does feel really badly about the timing at least it will give her fuel to get over you faster.

zxcvbnm1

If you've any bit of manliness at all in you you will just break it off asap. Seriously - this whole idea of maybe getting her used to the idea first of you finishing it is pathetic.

Do you have any balls at all?

Teenage girls have more balls than that !

She actually will get over it - her life will go on!

Jeez...