Girlfriend, different priorities

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'm sorry this might sounds really mean and vain but I'm just gonna ask.

I'm lucky to be in fulltime employment with a decnt job. I'm not rolling in it but I am comfortable enough to pay my bills and have a bit left over for myself, nothing extravegant.

My girlfriend is still in college doing a Masters. Her job is fairly low paying and low hours. I know she enjoys what she does. Its just that, she puts in a lot of hours and isn't apid well for it. For that reason when I ask her places and to do things she often declines. When she does come I feel obliged to pay.

She's not a gold digger or anything, shes a good girl but genuinely doesn't earn a lot. When she does have some cash she'll rarely spend it on anything she likes. She says she'd like stuff but wouldnt dream of buying it.

Its just difficult. She's my girlfriend, I enjoy doing things with her but nights in get on my nerves when its all the time. I wish she'd join me more in doing more things. I wish I could bring her out and all that but she dresses very studenty. She's a beautiful girl. The most beautiful I've ever gone out with or know at all for that matter. She'd be an absolute stunner if she dressed up for a night to come out with me but its always a rush, she hasn't time or the money to come out and do any of that.

I know I should be tolerant if I love her. I just think of the future. I think that yeah, she'll get over that once she graduates and starts earning oney but it's a very low paying profession. I don't live a life of luxury but I enjoy going out or doing things now and again and I wish my girlfriend was someone who did too or could join me.
I just feel like in the future if I'm earning so much more I'll contine to feel obliged to pay more for things, if we moved in together we'd have to get somewhere to fit her budget or start paying a lot more than she can for somewhere nicer. Things like that. I wish she'd get in the habit of coming out more or treating herself more. She often says she'd like new shoes or stuff like that but just flat out refuses to spend any money on herself. Its all about school and bills.

I know, its awefully vain and sounds mean. She has her priorities in check. Its just difficult. I love her very much but it's putting a strain on the relationship for me. I wish as my girlfriend she would treat herself and she would join me more. Being single I hated going out alone with my friends and wished I had a gf to join me. Now I HAVE one but I still go out alone and wish SHE was there.

I know it sounds really mean. I don't want to ruin a relationship with a great girl because of money or something stupid like that but at the same time what I described above about having a GF who can join me in more things is just bothering me a bit lately. What should I do?

muboop1

If you love her, get YOUR priorities right...

She has an end game in sight, a masters is 1-2 years max. She has plenty of time to worry about money later. Don't begrudge her this, support it! She may not be rolling in it later but she will be happy!

You are overly obsessed with money... Seems YOUR main priority.. it should be enjoying your time etc... including your gf.

And come across as scrooge-ish.

Shes a student who paid out likely a small fortune for her masters, and your annoyed she cant afford cinema or dinner and drink etc?

Come on... get it together! If you want these things, you pay for them! She will make it up to you later when she can!

Love isn't always equal or fair... but its worth it most times!

Azureus

Ok so first of all its not mean or vain (imo) if youre finding this an issue, its a valid one. Have you actually sat down and talked to her about this? She sounds like a smart and dedicated girl-much more important qualities than anything money could buy-so focus on that first of all.. which in fairness you kinda have.

Let her know why its bothering you and say how you would like things to be. My bf and I had a similar problem, I was broke and studenty while he was in full time employment and grew up in a very thrifty household so found it difficult to part with cash when I knew it couldbe spent on more 'important' things. Maybe buy her some shoes as a treat? Take her out shopping for Valentines day and pay half towards an outfit she loves? The way my bf got my head around the fact that its OK to not scrimp ALL the time was making a date night once a month that we'd splash out (meal/night out/whatever)/ It doesnt sound like much, but itll make a big difference to both you and her. You might want it more often and she might feel guilty about the spends but everything in moderation and a bit of compromise and you might end up being closer to the same wavelength about money.

fair play to your girlfriend for, as you say, having her priorities in check. Is there no middle ground you could meet and be happy with? sure money is great and you can have a good time on the strength of it, but its no foundation, you point out all these great qualities about her - she seems like a lovely girl, you would be a fool to have negative feelings about your relationship based on monetary terms. Would you prefer a girl thats all about "having things" and " the good life" ? because thats very shallow. You really should, as ive stated, try to find a middle ground. Good luck to you both

Distorted

You seem very interested in superficial material things and how things outwardly appear. Your girlfriend seems to have different priorities. It sounds like you do go out a reasonable amount with your girlfriend but going out really often is very expensive and if she doesn't feel the need for that sort of life all the time, why should she stretch her limited student budget to it? She wants to spend time with you but can't afford to go out all the time, so what is wrong with staying home? Her priorities will no doubt change in time but if you have such different outlooks on life, are you really that well matched?

But if its such a problem to you, why don't you put your money where your mouth is and pay for her?

To be honest, an attractive girlfriend who is doing a Masters is quite a catch. Do you really think you will meet another attractive girlfriend who is a big earner? I remember when I was earning big money as a lawyer in my twenties, and was quite materialistic (to be fair we were not quite ready to settle down and were more interested in having a good time), me and my friends just didn't want to look at guys who earned around the same money as us, we were looking for the big earning guys. Feeling a man is after you for your earning power is not nice and is quite easy to spot. And what will you feel like if your girlfriend starts earning really well after finishing her Masters and starts to outstrip you? Her Masters may pave her way while your lack of it may restrict you going beyond a certain level. Being a student is a great time of life and I don't blame her for enjoying it while she can.

Getting really dressed up all the time for nights out is a bit naff too. As long as you get dressed up for the big occasions, what is the point in getting all tarted up to go to a local bar on a weeknight? The type of girls who do get tarted up for these sort of things are no doubt the type that would also want everything paying for and expensive presents, but I can almost guaranteed they wouldn't be doing a Masters and your girlfriend will earn more money than them in the future. There are also plenty that look good when tarted up, but when the fake eyelashes, hairpieces, false nails, fake tan, wonderbra, caked on make up, etc come off, don't look that great. Looking good without trying too hard is way harder.

Are you of very differing ages, as this may explain why you are financially mismatched?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from, and I dont think you are coming across as selfish, scroogish or money obsessed. I was in a situation like this recently, although slightly different in the sense that my boyfriend didnt have money cos he didnt have a job.
I found it very difficult too as I work long hours but dont have a huge amount of money left over after bills etc, yet I still wanted to be able to go out the odd night, nice meals and maybe a weekend away here and there, but culdnt cos he was always skint.
I have to hand it to your girlfriend, it must be tough to juggle studying, work and the pressure of limited money, but others are too harsh to say that you are selfish. We are all finding it difficult at the moment in this economy, and its nice to blow off a bit of steam and relax. I dont have a solution for you, but others shouldnt be so quick to judge!

wasper

bothered 123 wrote: »

Hi all,
I'm sorry this might sounds really mean and vain but I'm just gonna ask.

I'm lucky to be in fulltime employment with a decnt job. I'm not rolling in it but I am comfortable enough to pay my bills and have a bit left over for myself, nothing extravegant.

My girlfriend is still in college doing a Masters. Her job is fairly low paying and low hours. I know she enjoys what she does. Its just that, she puts in a lot of hours and isn't apid well for it. For that reason when I ask her places and to do things she often declines. When she does come I feel obliged to pay.

She's not a gold digger or anything, shes a good girl but genuinely doesn't earn a lot. When she does have some cash she'll rarely spend it on anything she likes. She says she'd like stuff but wouldnt dream of buying it.

Its just difficult. She's my girlfriend, I enjoy doing things with her but nights in get on my nerves when its all the time. I wish she'd join me more in doing more things. I wish I could bring her out and all that but she dresses very studenty. She's a beautiful girl. The most beautiful I've ever gone out with or know at all for that matter. She'd be an absolute stunner if she dressed up for a night to come out with me but its always a rush, she hasn't time or the money to come out and do any of that.

I know I should be tolerant if I love her. I just think of the future. I think that yeah, she'll get over that once she graduates and starts earning oney but it's a very low paying profession. I don't live a life of luxury but I enjoy going out or doing things now and again and I wish my girlfriend was someone who did too or could join me.
I just feel like in the future if I'm earning so much more I'll contine to feel obliged to pay more for things, if we moved in together we'd have to get somewhere to fit her budget or start paying a lot more than she can for somewhere nicer. Things like that. I wish she'd get in the habit of coming out more or treating herself more. She often says she'd like new shoes or stuff like that but just flat out refuses to spend any money on herself. Its all about school and bills.

I know, its awefully vain and sounds mean. She has her priorities in check. Its just difficult. I love her very much but it's putting a strain on the relationship for me. I wish as my girlfriend she would treat herself and she would join me more. Being single I hated going out alone with my friends and wished I had a gf to join me. Now I HAVE one but I still go out alone and wish SHE was there.

I know it sounds really mean. I don't want to ruin a relationship with a great girl because of money or something stupid like that but at the same time what I described above about having a GF who can join me in more things is just bothering me a bit lately. What should I do?

I bet you that if she was going to all the places that you go to & you payed for her, you would be here complaining that she is taking advantage of you.
She sounds like a nice person that she goes out when she thinks she can afford it. the reason you end up paying sometimes is that you probably had pressured her to go out when she couldn't afford it.

Chinafoot

wasper wrote: »

I bet you that if she was going to all the places that you go to & you payed for her, you would be here complaining that she is taking advantage of you.
She sounds like a nice person that she goes out when she thinks she can afford it. the reason you end up paying sometimes is that you probably had pressured her to go out when she couldn't afford it.

This.

Your girlfriend is in a no-win situation here. Already in your first post you have said that if she can't afford it she won't go and if she does go you "feel obliged to pay". What do you want her to do? Suddenly earn more money so she can go out on the piss with you more often? It's not going to happen right now and you can either accept that and support her or you can leave her and find someone who is more compatible financially.

Your comment

I wish I could bring her out and all that but she dresses very studenty.

is rather insulting. It sounds like you want this girl to become somthing she's not in order to satisfy your social life. Why does she have to get done up for a night out? Why can't you go somewhere where her casual attire is welcomed instead of looked down on. In my experience, pub/clubs/restaurants that expect people to be dressed up are generally the most expensive ones. Why would you put that kind of pressure on someone when you know they can't afford it right now?

Your thread title is quite telling really. "Different priorities" suggests that for you having money and going out a lot is a priority for you. I won't lie, to me thats vaccuous and shallow but to each their own. Your girlfriend is rightly focusing on something far more substantial and important. If you are unwilling to accept that (note, accept not tolerate) then you should find someone on the same wave length and leave this girl to her studies.

I think this is one of the most unreasonable posts I've ever seen on here. You're moaning that she doesn't want to spend money (while doing a Masters and working part time) and yet you're moaning about feeling 'obliged to pay'? Well, you can't have it every which way, OP! The girl has made it clear she can't afford all these luxuries you want, and is happy to do without them. Where on earth is she supposed to get the cash to do these things? It's hard enough to even support yourself through a Masters, without splashing out on luxuries. She sounds like a very down to earth, responsible person, the type of girl many men would feel so lucky to have!

Your comments about her appearance do come across as very superficial as well. She most likely has very little free time and money. You're contradicting yourself all over the place. Moaning that you're 'obliged to pay for everything' while saying she should treat herself to new shoes. Do you really think she should be worrying about buying shoes right now?

Your entire post comes across as very selfish to me, and I would go as far as to say it doesn't sound like you deserve her. She's intelligent, beautiful, responsible, a great girl, and you're nitpicking because she doesn't doll herself up enough and spend money on material things? Perhaps you're not compatible, because chances are, she is the kind of person who would always put other things ahead of dressing up and going out drinking. Perhaps when you end up with the type of girl who wears false eyelashes to the pub, goes out every night, has no ambition, nothing to talk about but celebrities and shoes and expects you to pay for everything because she's 'hot', you'll have a bit more appreciation for people like your girlfriend.

IrishEyes19

you're not mean or vain but when you're in college, working a part time job and trying to make ends meet, going out and treating yourself doesnt even come into mind, especially when expenses be they academic or cost of living appear just as the last batch have been paid off. its very tough and you dont want to be in debt either to your OH or friends.

JajaD

bothered 123 wrote: »

Hi all,
I'm sorry this might sounds really mean and vain but I'm just gonna ask.

I'm lucky to be in fulltime employment with a decnt job. I'm not rolling in it but I am comfortable enough to pay my bills and have a bit left over for myself, nothing extravegant.

My girlfriend is still in college doing a Masters. Her job is fairly low paying and low hours. I know she enjoys what she does. Its just that, she puts in a lot of hours and isn't apid well for it. For that reason when I ask her places and to do things she often declines. When she does come I feel obliged to pay.

She's not a gold digger or anything, shes a good girl but genuinely doesn't earn a lot. When she does have some cash she'll rarely spend it on anything she likes. She says she'd like stuff but wouldnt dream of buying it.

Its just difficult. She's my girlfriend, I enjoy doing things with her but nights in get on my nerves when its all the time. I wish she'd join me more in doing more things. I wish I could bring her out and all that but she dresses very studenty. She's a beautiful girl. The most beautiful I've ever gone out with or know at all for that matter. She'd be an absolute stunner if she dressed up for a night to come out with me but its always a rush, she hasn't time or the money to come out and do any of that.

I know I should be tolerant if I love her. I just think of the future. I think that yeah, she'll get over that once she graduates and starts earning oney but it's a very low paying profession. I don't live a life of luxury but I enjoy going out or doing things now and again and I wish my girlfriend was someone who did too or could join me.
I just feel like in the future if I'm earning so much more I'll contine to feel obliged to pay more for things, if we moved in together we'd have to get somewhere to fit her budget or start paying a lot more than she can for somewhere nicer. Things like that. I wish she'd get in the habit of coming out more or treating herself more. She often says she'd like new shoes or stuff like that but just flat out refuses to spend any money on herself. Its all about school and bills.

I know, its awefully vain and sounds mean. She has her priorities in check. Its just difficult. I love her very much but it's putting a strain on the relationship for me. I wish as my girlfriend she would treat herself and she would join me more. Being single I hated going out alone with my friends and wished I had a gf to join me. Now I HAVE one but I still go out alone and wish SHE was there.

I know it sounds really mean. I don't want to ruin a relationship with a great girl because of money or something stupid like that but at the same time what I described above about having a GF who can join me in more things is just bothering me a bit lately. What should I do?

You seem very materialistic. If you love the girl you should WANT to pay for everything if you can afford it. If she pays for stuff that she can only afford well then she's trying her best. Whats she supposed to do. Maybe she doesnt have the money to buy new dresses. im in college and cant really afford new dresses AND nights out. Maybe you should buy her a dress, take her out once a month. You should be doing that anyway if you love the girl. Seems to me like your a bit tight with the wallet. What happens in the future if she has your children, and you are the sole bread winner (without being stereotypical but u knw what i mean), are you going to say to her, well, your not earning so you cant come out, or buy new clothes, or do anything. A relationship is a union.

Permabear

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