Feeling lost in my 30s

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I feel slightly ridiculous posting here, but I'm hoping that some of you kind folks can help me get some perspective. Anyways, here goes..

I'm a single guy, turning 34 in the next few months. On the surface, I have a lot going for me. Despite the current economic crisis, I'm fortunate to be in relatively secure, well paid employment. I also own my own apartment in Dublin and am not over-stressed in meeting the mortgage repayments. On a personal level, I'm not a bad looking fella, albeit a little shy around new people. So everything should be fine, right?

Wrong. For the last number of years I have just feeling engulfed by an overwhelming sense of lonliness. I was never somebody who had a surfeit of friends; primarily, because I am a reasonably quiet guy and always perceived myself as being the independent type. Nevertheless, I always managed to make small groups of friends throughout school, university, and the early years of my career. My social life was reasonably healthy, although mostly pub- / alcohol-based.

However, in recent years virtually all of these friendships have evaporated. Many of my friends have partnered up, had children and generally disappeared into married life. Others have left Dublin to move to other parts of the country or abroad. The net result is that I'm pretty much on my own at this stage and my social life has dwindled to the occasional few beers. I've also been living alone since I took on my mortgage; this came as quite a shock after many years of house sharing. Having said that, I do love owning my own place and the independence that affords me.

My question to you all is where do I go from here? Making friends in my workplace is a non-runner. It's a competitive environment, populated by career-focused people. Unfortunately, the work is demanding and the hours are long, which makes socialising Monday - Friday difficult. Nor is being single the root cause of my problem. In fact, I think I need to sort myself out and try to "get happy" before I could even think about starting a relationship.

How does somebody of my age go about making friends and building a new social life? I'm so sick of being stuck in at the weekends with nobody to call and nowhere to go. It's been like this for the last 2/3 years and almost feels like this is my destiny. I just want something more from life. I'd really love the company of good friends and the joy that brings. I just have no idea what I can do or where I can go to start building these relationships. I feel somewhat snookered by the demands of my job and my mortgage repayments, as I can't just up sticks and move somewhere else. I also have no desire to move back to the country town in which I grew up. I always assumed that I would have life figured out at this age, but I'm far more confused, alienated, and deeply lonely at 33 than I ever was ten years ago.

So that's it. I'm well aware that my situation is trivial compared to that of others who post here. However, it is genuinely causing me a lot of pain and anguish. I'd be really grateful if some of you could take the time to read this post and offer some constructive advice.

Thanks,

B.

Monkey Allen

As you're not in and out of pubs at the weekend as it is, how about dedicating that time to volunteering for the red cross or something. You'll make friends from it.

LegacyUser

Hi poster, I was in a similar position not that long ago, good career but absolutely no life and found that it was up to me to change it for the better. I joined an evening class in a subject that really interested me and it provided a network of new friends and I also stick to a regular exercise routine - the benefits of a healthy body can never be underestimated! You're living in Dublin so there are a huge range of things to do - find what interests you and your social world will expand.
All the best.

King John V

Hi there

Have you considered joining a local GAA or rugby club? There can be a great social aspect to it, you keep fit and meet a few friendly faces.

I hope it works out for you. All the best.

LegacyUser

Making friends is hard work as it's harder as you get older.

I could see the same thing happening with my group of friends as they entered their 30s and partnered up, settled down, etc. and like you, I have my own house, and that kind of consumed me for a while. But then I had to make an active effort to go out and make friends.

I was lucky in that I kept in touch with former workmates and made a real effort that way, sometimes practically throwing myself or forcing myself on people in order to get a night out. The number of emails I have sent to people to try to arrange nights out is embarrassing, but at the end of the day, I'm a happier person for it!! I also started volunteering, and that has really helped, not only expand my social circle, but also my outlook on life and overall happiness. I, like you, work in a very demanding job, so I know how hard it can be to find time during the week.

What about taking up a sport? Joining a club? I know they are age old words of advice and don't always work, but worth a try.

Would you try confide in one of your old friends? They are probably totally oblivious to your situation, as I imagine you are the type of guy who looks like he has it all sorted?! They might be shocked but relieved. And while they may not be in a position to go out on the beer with you every Friday night, they may have other friends in similar situations who they can introduce you to....worth a try? Most single people I know, a lot of their best friends started out as friends of friends, and cos both were single, they naturally paired off as friends.

You say you are not feeling happy enough to start a relationship...and I agree with your rationale to an extent....but starting dating will not only open you up to a whole new social circle, it will also increase your confidence (or at least your courage) socially. So even if you don't meet your life partner through it, you will be out and about meeting interesting people. And it is that easy to start dating when you put your mind to it....especially for a guy!

Also, a lot of the online dating sites have sections to meet friends. A lot of the events organised through meetup sites are not just set up with the aim of meeting a partner, but also other single people looking for friends in the city. I think getout.ie is supposed to be quite good.

What about holidays? Have you tried any group holidays? They can be a great way to meet friends, especially those with similar interests, and they have lots of single people our age - try explore or let's go.

Hope my advice isn't "too" practical...as I think you need some confidence boosting as much as advice on how to meet people. I'm just giving you practical advice on what's worked for me and my friends!

solerina

I think a lot of people will understand where you are coming from. All of my original friends are married and totally settled into happy married life so I rarely see them. I have managed to get a new group of friends purely by chance. One of my friends husbands works locally (i dont) and he introduced me to some girls who work with him, they were single and into doing things in evenings/weekends, I suggested meeting up some night and we have been hanging out together ever since (this original meeting was purely by chance but we chatted and realised we were in a similar place, with friends coupled up). Anyway, my point is keep getting out there, join a gym, hill walking club, book group whatever you are into and you willl meet new people, just dont be afraid to suggest meeting up !!! Good Luck

kerryman12

Hi Op

REading through your post a few things struck me;

For the last number of years I have just feeling engulfed by an overwhelming sense of lonliness. I was never somebody who had a surfeit of friends; primarily, because I am a reasonably quiet guy and always perceived myself as being the independent type. Nevertheless, I always managed to make small groups of friends throughout school, university, and the early years of my career. My social life was reasonably healthy, although mostly pub- / alcohol-based

In my experiance at least, as you move through life you make friends and loose touch with friends, its almost like a cycle of sorts with gaps in the middle where you fall between groups. My guess is that maybe this is where you are now, in the middle bit!

I've also been living alone since I took on my mortgage; this came as quite a shock after many years of house sharing.

I would be willing to bet that this is a lot of the issue for you. You leave work in the evening where there are a lot of people around and for the rest of the evening/night you are alone with you thoughs - in a way you have to much time to think about stuff.

My question to you all is where do I go from here? Making friends in my workplace is a non-runner. It's a competitive environment, populated by career-focused people. Unfortunately, the work is demanding and the hours are long, which makes socialising Monday - Friday difficult. Nor is being single the root cause of my problem.

Do you have interests or hobbies? and if you dont maybe think about getting some. If you do, then getting involved with a group of like minded people will lead more quickly to friendship than anything else. Maybe the GAA as suggest above, maybe volunteer whatever. Keeping your work and social life seperate is probably a good idea in any event.

In fact, I think I need to sort myself out and try to "get happy" before I could even think about starting a relationship.

That makes sense to me, and TBH you are more like to find someone when you do 'get happy' I would suggest.

I'm so sick of being stuck in at the weekends with nobody to call and nowhere to go. It's been like this for the last 2/3 years and almost feels like this is my destiny

You do need to break that cycle, that routine would get anyone down eventually. This is not your destiny, you are young and have a long happy life ahead of you I am sure.

I feel somewhat snookered by the demands of my job and my mortgage repayments, as I can't just up sticks and move somewhere else.

There are a lot of people in the boat with you lad. I would put it to you that if you wee married with a couple of kids and still felt this way then you would be in a very differnet position with more limited options. But you are not and still have plenty of options there if you want them. It can just be a bit difficult to decide to make that move, its almost like you would feel irresponsible or whatever to break away from what you have.

Dont let that stuff trap you if you are not happy about it!


Best of luck

KYman12

messymess

Jesus, OP, you sound like you're about to hang up your clogs!

How does somebody of my age go about making friends and building a new social life?

Firstly, relax, you're only 34. Many a windowed/widower person will be asking themselves the same question age 80+ and it just an emotional way of looking at the situation as opposed to being realistic/objective. Other posters have mentioned joining clubs etc ... a good idea ... but I'd recommend finding something you've a real passion for. If you don't have something you're really crazy about I think you should find something. Tried surfing? It's great!! And there's a real social element to it too. Just find something that floats your boat and take it from there.

I feel somewhat snookered by the demands of my job and my mortgage repayments, as I can't just up sticks and move somewhere else.

Why not? I'm 35 and in the same boat. 2011 was the busiest I've ever been. I'm about to rent my place, sell my car and head to Melbourne for a job. I don't know anyone there either!

It can be all too easy to see the negatives sometimes and you sound like you're in a bit of a rut over there. But, what I will say is that life is yours to enjoy and there's a lot of possibilities out there, don't succumb to it ... grab it by the scruff of the neck