Advice needed

LegacyUser

Hi,
I really need some advice. I'm married for 10 years and love my DH very much and we have a very good marriage. But I have just discovered something about him that I am not sure about.
Ok here it is. I have known for a while that my DH looks at adult material on the internet - while I didnt love it I felt it was harmless as our sexual relationship has been fairly good. Just recently I have noticed that he has been looking sites showing more mature women like "my wifes mother" type of thing - ok really not liking that. This morning he went out to our garage as he does most mornings to check our dog (about to have pups) but when I looked out our bedroom window I saw him hiding in the bushes looking over the fence at my parents house. It was then that I realised my mum was in her room getting dressed. My mum would be in very good shape for her age and really doesnt look her age.
I was taken aback at this and really dont know how to feel about it.
This isnt the first time that this has happened and when I asked him about it before he got very annoyed with me for suggesting that he would do such a thing
Am I making something out of nothing or do I have reason to be concerned? Concerned about what I don't know but all I do know is that today I feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Magsybagsy

Hi there,
That sounds awful and very confusing. I think it could possibly be confusing for you and your husband. I suggest you tackle this again with himself and take the gentle approach, tell him you have perhaps read about it somewhere and it is common to be curious (as long as that is all it is) if on the other hand its more I think he needs to speak to a professional

Best of luck with this and I hope this is only a phase.....

Canluum

Up until the point where he was peeping on your mother I'd have said "score! you found a man who will find you hotter as you get older, how many women can say that?"

It's a tough one. Try not to villianise his fetish or be expressly judgemental about it. Try to be understanding and supportive but let him know that this isn't acceptable behaviour, and if there's anything he'd like to explore with you (his wife) that you'd be willing and open to consider. Use I statements when confronting him.
"I've noticed that you find certain other women attractive, that's fine, normal even, but there is some behaviour I can't abide by, and I need you to stop, for the health of our relationship."

Treat it as if he was looking at your sister / best friend. That's still bad! Just don't bring the mother/age shaming thing into it or he'll close up like a clam.

Wurly

sunflower27 wrote: »

He was perving on your mother getting dressed!!!!

Oh My God, I would have walked out there and said what the hell are you doing? I wouldnt be taking the gentle approach, he was perving on your mother.

I'm sorry OP, but he needs to know what you saw. If for nothing else to protect your mother's dignity.

That is wrong on so many levels.

I agree with Sunflower on this. It's not just about your relationship, but your poor mother as well... Her dignity is at stake here. You need to tell him you know. Why should you walk around on eggshells regarding this? What he is doing is despicable.

Neyite

lulubennhy wrote: »

Hi,
This isnt the first time that this has happened and when I asked him about it before he got very annoyed with me for suggesting that he would do such a thing
Am I making something out of nothing or do I have reason to be concerned? Concerned about what I don't know but all I do know is that today I feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Am I right in taking from this that you caught him at this before, he got annoyed at you, and does not know you saw him this time?

If so then, yes, you should be annoyed. I would have read the riot act. It's creepy behaviour, especially if its not the first time. Its violating your mothers privacy in a horrible way. It would be bordering on a dealbreaker for me.

Is there any way that you can subtly let your mum know that she may be seen getting dressed and get her to put up window blinds or something? I'm sure she would be horrified and disgusted at his behaviour.

ppink

Are you sure he was peeping on your mother, absolutely no other explanation? or what was his explanation?

If I had caught my OH doing that the next thing he would have felt would be the black bigbag full of his stuff landing beside him in the bush;)

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your replies.

It seems I saw something that was nothing and took it out of context. My DH was actually looking at something totally different that was on the roof of my parents house. And it turned out that my DH had called my dad today to tell him about this problem that he spotted and they then make arrangements to sort out the problem at the weekend. I only found this out this evening when I came home from work. So huge sigh of relief from me that it was my mistake.

Thanks again.

Permabear

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Permabear

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dub_3

OP can you clarify if you've just caught him looking at porn before, or peeping on your mother before?

In the recent incident, could you see that your mother was dressing, or did you just see him looking at the house?